2005 Predictions.
More of the same; the vitriol that has been heaped upon Bush in western Europe, Canada, Berkeley, etc. will continue to shift to the American people until we can’t travel to these alien worlds without a disguise and a poorly faked French accent.
Michael Moore’s new film on the evils of the drug industry will be a huge success and further line the pockets-and therefore increase the mass-of the corpulent fear monger. What I can’t predict is whether Moore will explode in a fit of donut consumption, or whether his enormous mass will collapse upon itself thereby creating a black hole from which even light cannot escape, sucking our world and a few dozen galaxies into it… that would really suck (heh). On the other hand, all the gullible sycophants who swallow Moore’s tripe will turn to homeopathic remedies and voodoo magic in lieu of modern medicine and, well, die.
Blogs and news websites will continue to displace… er, what are those things called? Oh yeah, ‘News Papers’ is what they call them. Newspaper deliverers will have to seek new employment for which they are qualified. 90% will start their own blogs.
Dan Rather will start his own blog.
San Francisco will ban all gun ownership in an attempt to reduce gun related crimes. This will work as well as it did in D.C. and all will hail it as a great achievement in crime prevention. Those that don’t will probably be dead from gunshot wounds.
Same sex marriage laws will be crammed down our throats by the courts in a rapid fashion of shock and awe. Unfortunately they won’t be prepared for the unexpected issues of divorce, child support, and alimony once those arise. In other words they will have won the war, but have no plans for winning the peace and no exit strategy.
Saddam will have his trial and will be found guilty of crimes against humanity. He will then die from a sudden attack of massive lead poisoning.
Fidel Castro will step down as dictator of Cuba and will be replaced by Danny Glover. Glover will grow a bushy beard and continue the legacy of Fidel’s utopian, communist paradise. Barbara Walters will refer to Glover as a “charming man†even as she is thrown into a Cuban jail for admitting she once voted republican.
Castro will start his own blog.
The color code for ‘red’ vs. ‘blue’ states will be replaced by a much easier, accurate system of ‘red, white and blue states’ vs. ‘socialist states’ respectively. Aw sh*t, that means I’d be in a socialist state. Well, I guess that may be accurate after all.
I predict I’ll be moving.
Universities across the nation will replace all traditional forms of education and open debate forums with systematic indoctrination of Marxist theory and the persecution of conservative thought. Oooh wait, that one already happened.
The Netherlands will experience a massive earthquake killing and injuring thousands. The US will pour tens of millions of dollars in aid into the country and they’ll still call us stingy. We’ll then laugh and tell them it was all Monopoly® money… stupid Netherlanders.
In an effort to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger for president in ’08 Congress will pass an amendment to allow aliens to run for the office. This will backfire horribly since it will be so poorly written that Zoog from Planet K will defeat Arnold by a slim margin. The entire population of earth will then be transported to Planet K and forced to work in their underground zlutonium mines. Earth will then be converted into a quaint bed and breakfast for well-to-do intergalactic vacationers.
And my last prediction: I’ll get two dogs from the pound. At least I’m sure of one of these. Take care y’all and have a great New Year.
