Marriage as Heterosexual Compensation

Opponents of gay marriage have a case but it is one that they rarely make honestly although many hint at it when they talk of the reproductive functions unique to heterosexuality as well as the more general differences between men and women.

There is a case for reserving marriage for a man and a woman based on the need to compensate for the problems inherent to heterosexuality. As Warren Farrell rightly noted in The Myth of Male Power, gay people have historically been persecuted because same sex relations are such a good deal from the individual’s point of view that society has feared that, in the absence of such persecution, so many people would choose same-sex relations that it would threaten the continuation of the species. After all, as Farrell says, the end result of an hour of sexual pleasure between two men or two women is . . . an hour of pleasure. The same pleasure between a man and a woman can lead to a lifetime of heavy responsibility.

In our present well-populated world, we do not need to worry about too few people reproducing. Indeed, many of those reproducing include gay men and lesbians as witnessed by the recent “gayby” boom among lesbian couples, a boom facilitated by the modern development of artificial insemination. However, the fact remains that lesbian and gay couples do not risk an unwanted pregnancy that could result in a traumatic, morally troubling abortion or the birth of a child who must be relinquished for adoption or whose parents are simply unprepared to adequately care for him or her. This uniquely heterosexual risk could argue for special compensations.

On a more subtle level, there may be a widespread perception that lesbian and gay couples have an easier time of things because they need not compromise on the most intimate possible level with a member of the other sex. This might well be a false assumption with gay and lesbian couples having just as many squabbles as opposite sex couples but, since many of those opposing gay marriage also tend to emphasize gender differences and follow the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus analysis, the idea that same-sex relationships would be easier is a natural one given their premises.

Of course, one also gets back to the issue of choice in sexual preferences. Gay advocates almost always insist that it is not a choice. However, there is a gender bias to this insistence as gay men tend to be strongly convinced that their sexual orientation is inborn while the lesbian community is far more heavily divided on this issue. There are many lesbians who believe they have no control over their sexual orientation. But there are also lesbians who say they made a conscious choice to direct their sexual energies to other women. The reasons for this choice may be based on a feminist belief that men are enemies or the desire to live free of the sexual role-playing that tends to accompany heterosexuality. Female sexuality appears to be more plastic, less scripted, than male sexuality in allowing for a certain amount of choice in this area.

From the viewpoint of those wanting to reserve marriage for men and women, it boils down to a desire to compensate heterosexuals of both sexes for the disadvantages that can be seen as inherent in their unions. Homosexuals do not need the advantages of marriage, in their view, because they have the advantages of homosexuality itself.