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Nukalert!

2006-10-11
By

Hey there nostalgia fans and potential survivors! Don’t you miss the good old days when baby boomers were babies? I sure do. Boy, those were fine times, ain’t we lucky we had ‘em!
Think back to all the joys of the era: Elvis Presley in Blue Hawaii, A&W root beer drive-ins, The Ed Sullivan show! Oh that Topo Gigio! And what about Bill Dana as Jose Jimenez! Talk about wrong! Then there was the music, Rock Around The Clock by Bill Haley and his Comets! Roy Orbison singing for the lonely! And who can forget our shocked parents when the Fab Four with those scandalous hairdos sang I Wanna Hold Your Hand on national TV! Oh it does take one back to an era of having an innocence worth losing.
Well, that innocence is not all lost… yet! Yes, you, Mr. John Q. Public may have grown up, but there’s no need to leave the Wonderful World of Disney behind! Yes! You can relive the days of the Cold War when you cowered beneath your desk at school, when your Dad insisted on digging an air raid shelter and your Mom lived in fear of fluoridation. Thanks to the modern techno era, with one simple little device you can take a stroll down memory lane guided by state of the art technology.
Friends, let me tell you about “Nukalert”! What is Nukalert? Where can I get Nukalert you ask? Well let me tell you Nukalert is the hottest little commodity to go to earth since Joseph McCarthy first started searching for commie preeverts!
Nukalert is a small but powerful device that attaches to your key ring quick and easy. You can carry it wherever you go. Forget that iPod! Nukalert is your new best friend. Inside Nukalert’s attractive exterior are high-tech sensors, which send a “chirping” signal to alert you of dangerous nuke levels of radiation.
But wait, there’s more!
Nukalert can be yours for a modest cash outlay of only $160! Why, that’s no more than that big tax refund check Bush promised you! Buy two and save! Save! Save! Buy two and they will only cost you a piddling $145 each! That’s a whoppin’ 30 smackers of savings! You can take the Little Lady out for a night at The Chum Bucket Seafood Buffet!
I can tell by the look in your eyes you’re intrigued. Who wouldn’t be? Let me just say, you cannot afford to be without your Nukalert!
Remember the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis and backyard fallout shelters? How about phrases such as “duck and cover,” “global reach,” and “mutually assured destruction”? That’s right, the threat of nuclear holocaust is in style again! And you want to be ready! That’s where Nukalert comes in!
Laboratory tested! This product looks to be the best one out there. Too bad Bush and Cheney aren’t as smart as Nukalert’s inventors. Watch the video of Nukalert reacting to your dentist’s X-ray machine. Nukalert monitors levels of potentially deadly fallout and radiation. As your best buddy, Nukalert is keeping you safe at all times with it’s pleasant, but distinctive “weee, weee, weee” signals. Once you hear that, you know you have as much as several minutes to grab the wife and kids and head for the nearest deep mineshaft!
Common sense will tell you that a nucleus of specimens of the human species must be preserved. You sure as heck want to be in on that action!
What’s this you say? There’s no danger from nuclear fallout? It’s madness? Arms Control Treaties will prevent such disasters? Under what rock have you been living? Didn’t I read somewhere that Bush let the last treaty lapse? Sure as shootin’, we got ‘em and we’re gonna use ‘em!
Can you swear under oath and be absolutely positive the guy working the graveyard shift at the local convenience store doesn’t have a dirty bomb ticking away in the back of his puke green AMC Gremlin?
You cannot!
And let’s not forget those Iranians and North Koreans! You know what they’re up to. Nukes! And they’re gonna blow! But not if we incinerate them first! God willing, we will prevail through the purity and essence of our “precious bodily fluids”! Things are starting to look good, too. It’s been “a dream month for ballistic missile defense.” Buddy, it sure had better be. According to one expert, “Currently, America has no effective defense against ballistic weapons fired from overseas, despite decades of effort and $95 billion dollars spent on trying to build such a defense.”

So, Pilgrim, when those rockets head this way, there’s nothing between you and them except Nukalert.
Fact is, we all really need Nukalert. Let me lay it on the line for you. See, it’s like this: the United States is special. America has the dubious honor and chutzpah to be the only country that has actually used nuclear weapons on an enemy. As such, the U.S. is accorded a certain uh… respect?
However, suppose Bush launches a preemptive nuclear attack, which would make martyrs of the entire population of Iran or North Korea? The American homeland stands a good chance of losing that “respect.”
The rest of the world will go absolutely bonkers. After all, nobody wants to be next. So each of the estimated 44 nations possessing nukes and ancient grudges will clamor to push the button. India and Pakistan will sterilize each other. North Korea will exterminate any country with US ties. You can kiss South Korea and Japan goodbye. To be safe, Japan has debated whether to adopt a more aggressive outlook. Japan and China are even making nice in preparation! Europe will try to survive if possible but don’t expect them to miss out on all the fun. The whole Northern Hemisphere will be ringed with nuclear fallout. Chernobyl shernobyl! You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
That’s where your Nukalert will come in handy! So pick up one for each member of the whole family today! Be smart! Be the first on your block! Be part of the Surviving Elite with… NUKALERT!

(Disclaimer: Nukalert has NOT been tested around any of the members of the Bush Administration.)

Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this story.

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Didn't make Oprah's Book Club. And Ronnie doesn't care. Man up. Buy the book now on Amazon.com. Or listen to Ronnie tell a story at escaping-from-reality.com.


  • fourthwire

    Add “nuclear policy” to the list of topics where Chartier apparently understands less than he believes that he does.

    Trying to be cute with his “Nukalert” running gag certainly didn’t help one bit, either.

    But hey, at least he knows how to list 50’s nostalgia…

    “Remember the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis and backyard fallout shelters? How about phrases such as “duck and cover,” “global reach,” and “mutually assured destruction”?”

    Yes, Chartier – those were all part and parcel of the Cold War, a nuclear and conventional standoff between America and the USSR, plus their proxies and allies.

    With the end of the Cold War, not surprisingly, we have greater nuclear proliferation, not to mention less stratified alliances on a global level.

    Concepts like MAD worked because both the USSR and America could be counted upon to behave rationally in order to avoid their own destruction.

    Nobody with much of an understanding of hardliner Islamic fanatics and tinpot dictator ought to welcome the thought of their governments controlling nukes, since neither nation can be counted on to behave rationally, driven by their own extremist ideologies.

    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, with his Islamic zealotry and Kim Jong-il, with his callous disregard for his subjects lives – these two leaders will make the old Cold War nuclear standoff look fairly sane in comparison when they both have ballistic missiles with nuclear warheads at their command.

    “What’s this you say? There’s no danger from nuclear fallout? It’s madness?”

    Chartier, are you REALLY stupid enough to believe that there is no danger from nuclear fallout or are you stupid enough to believe that anyone with the vaguest understanding of nuclear weapons believes it?

    “That’s right, the threat of nuclear holocaust is in style again!”

    The threat of nuclear war is based upon several factors, not the least being nuclear proliferation.

    Nobody with more than three gray cells considers nuclear weaponry or potential nuclear war to be “stylish”, either.

    “Arms Control Treaties will prevent such disasters?”

    Chartier, if you believe that the leaders of nations like Iran and North Korea give a rat’s ass about “Arms Control Treaties”, there’s a bridge in Brooklyn with your name on it.

    As the matter of fact, Arms Control Treaties served their purposes when the number of nuclear powers was strictly limited.

    Greater nuclear proliferation breeds even more proliferation by creating incentives for other nations to arm themselves accordingly. Welcome to the real world, sonny boy.

    “Didn’t I read somewhere that Bush let the last treaty lapse?”

    And since the U.S. has had monopolies (albeit short-lived ones) on atomic and nuclear weapons……. why would “letting the last treaty lapse” matter?

    Do you believe that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong-il give a rat’s ass about “arms control treaties” in reality?

    Do you even have a clue about what the last Arms Control Treaty concerned? See for yourself at:

    http://www.fas.org/sgp/crs/nuke/RL31448.pdf#search=%22nuclear%20arms%20control%20treaty%20lapsed%22

    In May, 2004, Bush and Putin signed the Strategic Offensive Reductions Treaty, reducing the number of nuclear warheads by both nations by 3012.

    “Sure as shootin’, we got ‘em and we’re gonna use ‘em!”

    Thank goodness that the Joint Chiefs of Staff have a veritable military genius like you to predict the future for them.

    You had better hope that your buddies in Pyongyang and Tehran don’t start a nuclear war by using theirs first (after both nations have nukes available).

    “You know what they’re up to. Nukes! And they’re gonna blow!”

    Yeah, right….. Figured out that one all by yourself, have you?

    “But not if we incinerate them first!”

    And you have credible evidence that America’s government is basing its political and military doctrine with a first-strike nuclear policy from WHERE?

    Focus, pinhead: if either Tehran or Pyongyang launch nukes at other nations, I wouldn’t give those nations a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving our retaliatory strike. But nowhere does the U.S. nuclear doctrine advocate first-use strikes.

    “It’s been “a dream month for ballistic missile defense.” Buddy, it sure had better be.”

    Given that we cannot control the scumbags in Tehran or Pyongyang, and the leaders of Iran and North Korea cannot be counted upon to behave rationally, you had better hope that we have some sort of ballistic missile defenses IF THEY LAUNCH.

    “Currently, America has no effective defense against ballistic weapons fired from overseas, despite decades of effort and $95 billion dollars spent on trying to build such a defense.””

    100% effective? You are technically correct. But our R&D efforts toward effective ABM defenses (which Japan has now signaled cooperation with) were apparently advanced enough to piss off Russia.

    Do you have any concept of the basic scientific and engineering problems posed in tracking and destroying multiple warhead and false target reentry vehicles with 100% success rate?

    Would you prefer to whine, grovel, and kiss your sorry ass goodbye in the case of a nuclear attack, instead?

    “However, suppose Bush launches a preemptive nuclear attack, which would make martyrs of the entire population of Iran or North Korea? The American homeland stands a good chance of losing that “respect.””

    Don’t you worry your fuzzy little skull about losing “respect” in case of nuclear war.

    And quit pretending as if the concept of Bush launching a preemptive nuclear attack has any basis in credibility whatsoever.

    If you had two gray cells together, you ought to be more worried about Kim Jong-il or Ahmadinejad launching a preemptive nuclear strike.

    “The rest of the world will go absolutely bonkers. After all, nobody wants to be next.”

    In the event of a nuclear first strike by ANY nation, the very same would hold true. And nobody wants to be first, next, or even next-to-last, military genius.

    “So each of the estimated 44 nations possessing nukes and ancient grudges will clamor to push the button.”

    Told you themselves, have they? For starters, there are a number of nuclear-armed nations (such as France for example) that would be unlikely to launch unless those nations themselves were attacked.

    So your rum-induced dreams of a nuclear free-for-all are just that….. your own dreams.

    “North Korea will exterminate any country with US ties.”

    North Korea will cease to exist shortly after its scumbag of a dictator launches nukes at anyone, so it can only “exterminate” those countries that it can reach in a first strike.

    And the North Koreans will face steadily improving ABM defenses from the U.S and Japan (care to guess who the two most technologically-advanced nations in the world are, military genius?).

    Just why do you believe that we parked a few Aegis-class off the Korean coastline, do you believe?

    “You can kiss South Korea and Japan goodbye.”

    It’s a dangerous world, Chartier. Both South Korea and Japan have done NOTHING to warrant nuclear attack by North Korea, yet they STILL fear that end. What does THAT tell you about North Korea?

    And while it’s VERY difficult to protect South Korea from the North, the Japanese have a much better chance of surviving any North Korean first strike, through the intervening ocean and their future ABM system.

    And finally, from Malakas:

    “If you get too many comments from cementheads in Shitkicker, West Virginia, who are currently having problems with their mother-in-law, it’s really not your fault. You did your best and that’s admirable!”

    Your buddy Chartier would likely benefit by taking a few political and military science lessons from those cementheads in Shitkicker, West Virginia as a good first step in his aspirations for commentary on nuclear doctrine…..

    “You did your best and that’s admirable!”

    Chartier was only marginally more coherent, lucid, and rational on this blog than his last sorry attempt on mensnewsdaily.

    Are you THAT easy to impress?

  • fourthwire

    Add “nuclear policy” to the list of topics where Chartier apparently understands less than he believes that he does.

    Trying to be cute with his “Nukalert” running gag certainly didn’t help one bit, either.

    But hey, at least he knows how to list 50’s nostalgia…

    “Remember the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis and backyard fallout shelters? How about phrases such as “duck and cover,” “global reach,” and “mutually assured destruction”?”

    Yes, Chartier – those were all part and parcel of the Cold War, a nuclear and conventional standoff between America and the USSR, plus their proxies and allies.

    With the end of the Cold War, not surprisingly, we have greater nuclear proliferation, not to mention less stratified alliances on a global level.

    Concepts like MAD worked because both the USSR and America could be counted upon to behave rationally in order to avoid their own destruction.

    Nobody with much of an understanding of hardliner Islamic fanatics and tinpot dictator ought to welcome the thought of their governments controlling nukes, since neither nation can be counted on to behave rationally, driven by their own extremist ideologies.

    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, with his Islamic zealotry and Kim Jong-il, with his callous disregard for his subjects lives – these two leaders will make the old Cold War nuclear standoff look fairly sane in comparison when they both have ballistic missiles with nuclear warheads at their command.

    “What’s this you say? There’s no danger from nuclear fallout? It’s madness?”

    Chartier, are you REALLY stupid enough to believe that there is no danger from nuclear fallout or are you stupid enough to believe that anyone with the vaguest understanding of nuclear weapons believes it?

    “That’s right, the threat of nuclear holocaust is in style again!”

    The threat of nuclear war is based upon several factors, not the least being nuclear proliferation.

    Nobody with more than three gray cells considers nuclear weaponry or potential nuclear war to be “stylish”, either.

    “Arms Control Treaties will prevent such disasters?”

    Chartier, if you believe that the leaders of nations like Iran and North Korea give a rat’s ass about “Arms Control Treaties”, there’s a bridge in Brooklyn with your name on it.

    As the matter of fact, Arms Control Treaties served their purposes when the number of nuclear powers was strictly limited.

    Greater nuclear proliferation breeds even more proliferation by creating incentives for other nations to arm themselves accordingly. Welcome to the real world, sonny boy.

    “Didn’t I read somewhere that Bush let the last treaty lapse?”

    And since the U.S. has had monopolies (albeit short-lived ones) on atomic and nuclear weapons……. why would “letting the last treaty lapse” matter?

    Do you believe that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong-il give a rat’s ass about “arms control treaties” in reality?

    Do you even have a clue about what the last Arms Control Treaty concerned? See for yourself at:

    http://www.fas.org/sgp/crs/nuke/RL31448.pdf#search=%22nuclear%20arms%20control%20treaty%20lapsed%22

    In May, 2004, Bush and Putin signed the Strategic Offensive Reductions Treaty, reducing the number of nuclear warheads by both nations by 3012.

    “Sure as shootin’, we got ‘em and we’re gonna use ‘em!”

    Thank goodness that the Joint Chiefs of Staff have a veritable military genius like you to predict the future for them.

    You had better hope that your buddies in Pyongyang and Tehran don’t start a nuclear war by using theirs first (after both nations have nukes available).

    “You know what they’re up to. Nukes! And they’re gonna blow!”

    Yeah, right….. Figured out that one all by yourself, have you?

    “But not if we incinerate them first!”

    And you have credible evidence that America’s government is basing its political and military doctrine with a first-strike nuclear policy from WHERE?

    Focus, pinhead: if either Tehran or Pyongyang launch nukes at other nations, I wouldn’t give those nations a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving our retaliatory strike. But nowhere does the U.S. nuclear doctrine advocate first-use strikes.

    “It’s been “a dream month for ballistic missile defense.” Buddy, it sure had better be.”

    Given that we cannot control the scumbags in Tehran or Pyongyang, and the leaders of Iran and North Korea cannot be counted upon to behave rationally, you had better hope that we have some sort of ballistic missile defenses IF THEY LAUNCH.

    “Currently, America has no effective defense against ballistic weapons fired from overseas, despite decades of effort and $95 billion dollars spent on trying to build such a defense.””

    100% effective? You are technically correct. But our R&D efforts toward effective ABM defenses (which Japan has now signaled cooperation with) were apparently advanced enough to piss off Russia.

    Do you have any concept of the basic scientific and engineering problems posed in tracking and destroying multiple warhead and false target reentry vehicles with 100% success rate?

    Would you prefer to whine, grovel, and kiss your sorry ass goodbye in the case of a nuclear attack, instead?

    “However, suppose Bush launches a preemptive nuclear attack, which would make martyrs of the entire population of Iran or North Korea? The American homeland stands a good chance of losing that “respect.””

    Don’t you worry your fuzzy little skull about losing “respect” in case of nuclear war.

    And quit pretending as if the concept of Bush launching a preemptive nuclear attack has any basis in credibility whatsoever.

    If you had two gray cells together, you ought to be more worried about Kim Jong-il or Ahmadinejad launching a preemptive nuclear strike.

    “The rest of the world will go absolutely bonkers. After all, nobody wants to be next.”

    In the event of a nuclear first strike by ANY nation, the very same would hold true. And nobody wants to be first, next, or even next-to-last, military genius.

    “So each of the estimated 44 nations possessing nukes and ancient grudges will clamor to push the button.”

    Told you themselves, have they? For starters, there are a number of nuclear-armed nations (such as France for example) that would be unlikely to launch unless those nations themselves were attacked.

    So your rum-induced dreams of a nuclear free-for-all are just that….. your own dreams.

    “North Korea will exterminate any country with US ties.”

    North Korea will cease to exist shortly after its scumbag of a dictator launches nukes at anyone, so it can only “exterminate” those countries that it can reach in a first strike.

    And the North Koreans will face steadily improving ABM defenses from the U.S and Japan (care to guess who the two most technologically-advanced nations in the world are, military genius?).

    Just why do you believe that we parked a few Aegis-class off the Korean coastline, do you believe?

    “You can kiss South Korea and Japan goodbye.”

    It’s a dangerous world, Chartier. Both South Korea and Japan have done NOTHING to warrant nuclear attack by North Korea, yet they STILL fear that end. What does THAT tell you about North Korea?

    And while it’s VERY difficult to protect South Korea from the North, the Japanese have a much better chance of surviving any North Korean first strike, through the intervening ocean and their future ABM system.

    And finally, from Malakas:

    “If you get too many comments from cementheads in Shitkicker, West Virginia, who are currently having problems with their mother-in-law, it’s really not your fault. You did your best and that’s admirable!”

    Your buddy Chartier would likely benefit by taking a few political and military science lessons from those cementheads in Shitkicker, West Virginia as a good first step in his aspirations for commentary on nuclear doctrine…..

    “You did your best and that’s admirable!”

    Chartier was only marginally more coherent, lucid, and rational on this blog than his last sorry attempt on mensnewsdaily.

    Are you THAT easy to impress?

  • Malakas

    Absolutely effin’ beautiful! Respect brother!
    I sincerely hope you’ll get some sane responses.

    If you get too many comments from cementheads in Shitkicker, West Virginia, who are currently having problems with their mother-in-law, it’s really not your fault. You did your best and that’s admirable!

    (If I may humbly ask – could you perhaps let up on Roy Orbison? Four decades ago I was in his fan-club. But it’s really not that important.)

  • Malakas

    Absolutely effin’ beautiful! Respect brother!
    I sincerely hope you’ll get some sane responses.

    If you get too many comments from cementheads in Shitkicker, West Virginia, who are currently having problems with their mother-in-law, it’s really not your fault. You did your best and that’s admirable!

    (If I may humbly ask – could you perhaps let up on Roy Orbison? Four decades ago I was in his fan-club. But it’s really not that important.)







Right.

Man up.

Buy the book now on Amazon.com. Or listen to Ronnie tell a story at escaping-from-reality.com.

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