Caribou Sour On Dem Agenda
Guest Editorial-
by John Q. Caribou
I have been watching the unfolding of political events in the lower forty-eight with a great deal of concern. As many of you no doubt are aware, one of the main planks of the Democratic platform has been and continues to be the prevention of drilling for oil in the ANWAR region of Alaska.
Ostensibly this is being done, according to new speaker Nancy Pelosi and others, to “protect the environment” and “save the caribou”. Interesting. I am in fact a caribou. All of my friends are caribou. None of us has ever been approached by anyone asking our thoughts about the notion of drilling in ANWAR. Which, according to our internal polls, is supported by over 97% of caribou.  Â
I can already hear the rebuttals from the left:
“But John, how can you support drilling in Alaska? It will destroy the pristine beauty of the wilderness!” If by “pristine” you mean “Godforsaken death tundra” then I agree. And by the way, last time I checked, none of you f***-biscuits were actually living in this “pristine” land.
“But John the oil might spill!” Good!! That might add a little taste to the damn snow we eat 24/7! Do you know what else caribou in this part of Alaska eat Ms. Pelosi? We eat our own turds. Do you know what we nosh on when we get sick of our own turds and want a little variety? We eat our friend’s turds. Think on that when you are sitting in your uppity Bay Area cafe pretentiously preaching about what my people want. Â
“But John, some of my best friends are caribou!” Right. And I often slather my kids in honey and have the local brown bears babysit them.
Maybe, Ms. Pelosi, you can lend us some of that heavy machinery that you obviously employ to keep your face off of your neck, so that the American people and their caribou friends to the north will both benefit.
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Buckley F. Williams is the Senior Editor of The Nose On Your Face which offers “News so fake, you’ll swear it came from the mainstream media.â€
Buckley F. Williams is the Senior Editor of "The Nose On Your Face" (www.TheNoseOnYourFace.com) which offers conservative, political satire. And fake news. And sometimes fake satire. At other times they provide satirical news. And fake political satire. Not to mention actual, real satire that is political in nature. And conservative. However, at no time do they offer Nutella. | More from Buckley F. Williams
Stumble It!
November 21st, 2006 at 3:00 pm
As a fellow Caribou – I say ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ – and I think those pipelines add a little bit of variety to the scenery out here, and so do my friends! We wouldn’t mind a few small communities, snowmobile trails and the like either. It gets lonely! Besides, we have a saying up here, “Waste not want not,” that we think God endorses, and yet last time we checked, there’s an awful lot of the planet up here not being put to any productive use.”
November 21st, 2006 at 9:09 pm
Donner says:
As one of Santa’s reindeer, I have to say that it has been a lot easier navigating back home with that Trans-Alaska Pipeline! Even when there are clouds blocking our view of the North Star, and Rudolph’s nose is on the fritz, we can just follow that metallic glint and know we will not miss Fairbanks on the way back!
Besides, everyone knows that mosquitos the size of Israeli Bionic Hornets are the most common form of wildlife up here! We mosquito food would like have the mosquitos feed on oil drilling roughnecks!
By the way, during the summer Santa has me hired out with Caribou Freight Forwarding, we can land your package anywhere! I am in charge of my little group, we call ourselves the Donner Party!