My Conversation With Jesus Christ
IÂ was downing my 6th or 7th beer, and clicking the remote, when Jesus appeared on channel 777. At first I thought it was a movie, but then He looked straight at me, and said: “Roberto, let’s have a chat son.”
I said, “sure Lord, do you mind if I open another can of Lowenbrau?” Jesus replied, “Go ahead Robbie, tonight is kind of special, the beer we pour must say something more somehow.”
“Robbie? Roberto? You aren’t one of my MND fans are you?” Jesus smiled, “No son, I only read all the news that’s fit to print.”
“OK”, I said, “Do you really speak to Pat Robertson?” Jesus responded, “Of course son, I speak to him every day.” “Wow” I exclaimed, “We’re in deep crap, Pat’s prophecy that terrorists will kill millions of Americans this year must be true.” Jesus sneered, “I told that idiot no such thing. Sure I speak to that Bozo every day, I keep telling him to stop making an ass of himself.”
“Jesus”, I inquired, “I never go to church, I even leer at cute nuns, I don’t help little old ladies cross the street, am I going to hell?” Jesus laughed, “No my son, you are far from perfect, but you aren’t in the same league with the likes of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.”
“Jesus”, I meekly inquired, “Is there sex in paradise?” “Oh, yes my son, in heaven the sex is well, heavenly.” “Oh boy”, I said, “I can’t wait!” “My son, who said you were going to heaven? You are spending eternity in Purgatory.”Â
“Jesus, why did you choose me to have a chat with? Do you want me to become a missionary or dedicate my life to minister to those in need?” “Heavens no”, Jesus replied. “I just wanted to let you know that one day you will write for the most popular periodical in the world.” “Thank you Lord”, I almost shouted, “It’s always been my dream to write for the New York Times. “The Times”, Jesus snorted. “Ha, it’s the National Enquirer that’s going to hire you one day.”
Jesus Christ, what a nightmare! I clicked the remote to ESPN, and guzzled another beer to attempt to forget my unearthly vision.
I write a weekly column for a small town newspaper in Virginia, and I also write for several Web sites. Please leave a comment or send me an email at: rreyes4966@aol.com | More from Robert Paul Reyes
Stumble It!
January 16th, 2007 at 1:00 am
You sure it was just beer you were indulging in?
January 16th, 2007 at 2:33 am
Well let me give you the “411″ or should that be the “4:20″?
I’m not a Chronic liar and i’m not a Dope, so let me be Blunt, and say that maybe I was smoking something, but I didn’t inhale.
January 16th, 2007 at 3:51 am
That is the strangest thing I’ve read yet, lol! Where on Earth did that come from?!Whatever you had last night, can I have some, too? LOL.
If you ended up writing for the National Enquirer, I would definitely wonder!
January 16th, 2007 at 6:12 am
Now THAT Robert, was humor. And good at that.
TMOTS
January 16th, 2007 at 6:20 am
TheManOnTheStreet said,
“Now THAT Robert, was humor. And good at that.”
I should print and frame this comment. It may very well be the first praise from an MND reader or writer, delivered without any reservations or qualifications.
January 16th, 2007 at 6:53 am
Robert, I call ‘em like I see ‘em. If you say something that I agree with, I will agree. If you say something that I do not agree with, I will disagree.
Our beliefs may clash, but I hold no ill regard towards you. A little verbal reparte is good for the soul as they say…
Peace Robert.
TMOTS
January 16th, 2007 at 7:33 am
Christ. He didn’t sound a bit like George Burns. Whoops, no. Wrong guy. Its his Dad that I was thinking of. Are you sure he wasn’t pulling your leg, RPR? Sex in heaven?? Whatever next. Did he say anything about headaches?
January 16th, 2007 at 7:50 am
Been forgetting the Meds lately, have we, Bertie?
January 16th, 2007 at 7:53 am
Now I understand why JC has not been around to talk to me for such a long time. Yall keep getting him stoned and partying with him.
January 16th, 2007 at 10:26 am
As the good writer implies, only politicians and entertainers should have access to TV and radio airways. All other voices should be silent and listen.
January 16th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Are you SURE He said it would be the National Inquirer Or did he said He would be INQUIRING with a VIEW towards you working with Barbara and Rosie?! This makes much more sense since He’s jewish and so is Barbara….they’re bud’s too…
January 29th, 2007 at 12:21 am
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