I’m going to give you the highlights of a very unfunny joke.
A man is married for 8 years, and comes home one night to “the talk.” The one about the relationship, about the need for space, (I have a boyfriend, and it’s getting to hard to cover it up) – a lot of us know the drill. So, he agrees to move out “for a while” to “work on the relationship.”
Fast forward a couple months. Honeybunch is getting irritated at him “just dropping by” to spend time with his kids or pick them up (Again, read “How can I have my new thang over here when you might catch us and make me look bad?”) and after one marriage counseling session he’s hit with the double whammy. A divorce suit and – you guessed it – an ex-parte restraining order.
Let’s review real quick – go to my “Divorce Self-Defense 101” article from a few years back, and catalogue the errors that have been made.
Okay. One error you missed – because I didn’t tell you – is that Schmuckly here has yet – after almost 3 months! – to secure the services of an attorney. Let alone listen to said lawyer.
It’s at this point that Dingleberry gets himself drunk, tries to call her – Thank God she changed the phone number – and so he calls me to drive him over there. I manage to talk him out of it. I get him insensible, and in the morning when hung over and his resistance is low, I convince him to call an attorney. I convince him to part with the $2500 dollars he’s been saving for Sweetie-dumpling-who-has-just-backstabbed-me’s “real engagement ring.” She’s not going to need it or wear it.
This lawyer – from a prestigious law firm specializing in Men and Divorce – advises him that he has a hearing on the restraining order in three weeks, and to tough it out. After a couple days of interviewing people who knew them and the marriage, he informs him that he can get the TRO nullified, and get him mandated visitation – maybe even split custody in the interim. Just be patient.
This lasts 3 more days. So what does Dumbass do?
He buys two dozen roses, and goes to where she works. He asks to see her. He makes the receptionist deliver the flowers. He goes back into the private offices. He gets her to “agree” to “Not now – I’m at work. *I’LL CALL YOU* about lunch and we can talk…”
Dippysquat goes out to his car, starts it, and puts it in reverse about the time two police cars and a sheriff zoom in, and draw down on him. Of course, Cuddlebuns is standing behind the door of the office, looking stricken and fearful, being comforted, while the fat lesbian secretary is out waiving the restraining order at the officers. El Stupido is quickly slammed on the ground with a shotgun trained on him, cuffed and put in a paddy wagon.
I don’t think I need to break out the crayolas here, do I? No bail. No hearing till the next week. Of course he’s calling me and whining about “I need to get out!” – what the hell can I do? He CALLS HER WORK (Dammit!) collect from jail – THREE TIMES!!! And by the time he goes in front of a judge he’s given 30 days in jail. Which he does two weeks of for good behavior, including his time served. Needless to say, when he goes before the judge on the TRO, the once slam dunk nullification of it turns into a 1 year extension, and his visitation is now supervised.
But, hey – fugginay – he’s RIGHT. She’s WRONG. He didn’t do ANYTHING. He doesn’t deserve this. She lied. All true. Just as true as the pedestrian who walks out in front of the speeding truck because they have the “walk” light.
Absolutely right. Dead right.
So where is Senor Idiote today, four months later? He’s fired his attorney, because he didn’t like the advice. He’s become Mr. Chivalry, acceding to every demand “for his children.” (Though it seems that fighting to stay in their lives and BE A DAMN FATHER TO THEM doesn’t occur to him.) He’s lost his job – being in jail for two weeks does that. Given up his house. Had his car repossessed. Is paying $600 a month for supervised visitation he doesn’t go to - but Mr. Probono thinks he’ll get custody of the kids in the end “because he’s right, she’s a bitch, I didn’t do nuthin…” even though he doesn’t – oh, what is the term – BOTHER TO EVEN SEE THEM? It’s “just too humiliating.”
Oh – and he’s mad at me. I talked him into spending the money for the ring he still wants to get this bitch, so I’m a SOB who gave him bad advice. He didn’t follow it, got screwed doing it his way instead of mine, but it was bad advice. He’s a new MRA convert, though. All gung-ho about how unfair it all is. I expect I’ll see him on the net anytime – if he gets a job, a place to live, and his computer hooked up – talking about how “Gonzo gave me advice I ignored so he screwed up my life” which is the tune he’s been singing these past five or six months.
Yeah. I understand he’s a brother. He’s hurting. Been there.
He’s still as dumb as a bag of hair. Stupid. Just butt-stupid. Ever hear the joke about the preacher in the flood who turns away a guy in a truck, a boat, and a helicopter because “God Will Provide?” When he drowns and stands before the Lord, he asks, “What happened?” and God replies “Look, I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter – what do you want?”
Yeah, I know. Blaming the victim. Yeah, I know. Co-operating with a corrupt system. I’ve heard it all. I’ve heard it from him – know what I told him?
“So how’s that whole not seeing your kids at all working for ya?”
Yes, Virginia, the system sucks. Until you replace it, it is what you have to work with. Drop out of it and not support it? Fine and dandy – but first you have to get to a place where it can’t touch you. Fight against it? Do it from within the system or outside of it. Hint: If you plan on working outside, buy lots of ammunition – it is the only way that will have any effect.
Hey – if you can snatch your kids away to some country which won’t extradite you, more power to you. Until you can do that, though, you’re kind of stuck. Not seeing your kids, and not being there for them – out of some sense of martyrdom – not real bright, if you ask me – but if your pride is more important than flesh of your flesh… Well, whatever.
But you are walking out on your kids then, and when the Femherroids make that charge on you, the shoe fits. You’re not helping. Joe Moron who added to the “Stalkers who violate TRO’s” stat? He doesn’t help either. Find a way to cut off your nose to spite your face that doesn’t ruin it for your brothers, what say?
I’m not on the side of shitheel men. Cheat on your wife, you’re just as wrong as an adulterous woman. Beat her? Beat your kids? Molest your kids? To hell with you. I may give a lot of men the benefit of the doubt because groundless charges are so frequently made, and I will preach to the ends of the earth that feminists way, way, way overstate the frequency of such things. This doesn’t mean such men don’t exist, and I am not going to “be like a feminist” and defend men who are like that. We laughed and sneered at the Feminazis in Dallas who stood up for Andrea Yates, the child-murderer so we need to be as accountable.
I’ve had a few guys who did crap like this and then come to me or write me. Well, what do you want? St. Gonz to intercede? I got real falsely accused men, real guys who have got the shaft for no reason, real guys willing to take guidance and get better than what they fear – I have time for you why? You did it? Suck it up and take your lumps. Ignored good advice? I tell you the same thing I’d tell a Britney Spears walking around in downtown Detroit in her pantiless miniskirtness: What do you expect, DUMBASS?
I am frankly appalled and flabbergasted at times by the blinkered and self-defeating attitude many men have. We have one guy running around who is constantly harping on the “Antipeonage Act.” Okay. I agree. It should apply. You know and I know that jailing men for child support is nothing less than debtor’s prison. Trouble is, the courts have rationalized and used legal and semantic masturbation to dismiss it. It is not going to work. They are not going to listen to you. They are going to say, “Doesn’t apply, you’re being jailed for contempt, not owing money” wham, bam. It has been argued. It has failed. Time to move on.
There is bias in the courts, and I am not going to say there isn’t. As men, we walk into family court at a disadvantage, and have an obstacle to overcome – in some places a small hop, in others a steep hill, and in some we are uckedfay. (Pig Latin).
But better than half our problems are attitude. Your biggest bias is in how the laws are set up, and in how you think.
As men, our nature is to protect – protect females, protect our young. Forget all the crap about “the female is deadlier than the male” or “lionesses and their cubs.” It’s crap, feel good, make the girl feel better bullshit. We see it over and over; feces hits the fan, women grab kids and run like scared rabbits, and Joe Dweeb the accountant grabs a stick and turns into Conan. It is built into you, hardwired, and reinforced by society.
No? Ask ya something, then. If a man broke a contract with you, and started proceedings to take your stuff, what would you do? Roll over? Or would you hire an attorney and rip his lungs out legally?
What I thought.
Somehow, get puddin-pop the contract breaker trying to steal your kids and your life’s work and savings, and you get all tender, and chivalrous, and say “Okay.” You’ll look like the bad guy. You don’t want to put your kids through it. You don’t want to drag the mother of your kids through it.
Well, why the hell not? She’s doing it to you. Lifetime TV is going to make a movie on how brave she is.
You’ve been schnooked. You’ve been painted into a corner where the only way you won’t “look bad” is to be a doormat and “Yes ma’am” her for the next 20 years. (And you may still look bad.) Any other move, and you’re a rat bastard.
So … be a bitch. It’s why she wins so often. She treats you like the enemy and goes into court to KICK YOUR ASS. Most men go in with some other purpose in mind.
Know what kind of men win? The ones who scream and leap for the throat. Who destroy not only her ability to wage war, but her will to do so.
No, you haven’t been taught to do this. No, you don’t have the “You GO, Grrrrrrrl!” chorus to support you. But guess what?
First time she loses a motion – well – that isn’t in the script.
Hardest thing for men – you need to beat you, first. You need to swallow your pride and get a lawyer – AND DO WHAT THEY SAY. You may have to hunt for a lawyer. The same one who will hint around that she should allege something false and horrible against you will suddenly find ethics if you are the client. You may have to interview a dozen before you find one who will go for the soft underbelly of her. I did in my second marriage.
You need to say no. No, I am not leaving the house – YOU leave. No, you are not taking the kids. No, you are not taking our furniture.
You have to be aware you are now under a microscope and behave accordingly, no matter how unfair it is that you have to behave twice as good as her to get half the regard. No drinking – the police, when she calls them, are going to ask “Have you been drinking?” They are not going to ask “Have you only had two beers over the last three hours?” If you answer yes – they will treat you like someone who is drunk. If you answer no, you are a liar. They will use that as their excuse to haul you off.
She will try to push your buttons. Swallow your pride and let her run her mouth. If you’re not drunk, disorderly, or threatening, they cannot make you leave. They will ask you to. Say “no.” Insist that the kids have their room, clothes, and all that here, school tomorrow, and she’s not getting them out of bed and taking them to Mommy’s. Stick to your guns. You will be badgered.
Have your attorney on speed dial on your cell. Nothing make a cop behave like “I’m an attorney and this is my client…” It strikes fear in their hearts.
This does not acknowledge the system as being “right.” It is wrong. It is messed up badly.
It is also the way it is, and the only game in town. Unless you’re one for a rifle and a Bell Tower, you have to play. Fail to play, and you lose. Again – that is the way it is.
The courts determine only winners and losers. Decide what you want to be. Deal with it. Grow up.
Until the laws get reformed, it is what you have to play with – these are the cards you have been dealt. Changing the system will take time. Probably more than you have if you are reading this in 2007.
It may be done in increments. Don’t be a dumbass like the Libertarians (I am one, so I can say that) and expect total reform instantly or it’s useless.
Adjust your attitude. Chivalry is one thing, but an entitlement of one-sided chivalry is useless. Its day has passed. Let it be buried. This is the age of equality. That means you too, in not having to put up with crap.
Be pragmatic and prioritize, for pity’s sake. Number one: Your kids need their Dad – you are not replaceable. Number two: You need your kids – they are not replaceable. Everything else takes a back seat. Her relationship with them is her problem – doesn’t even hit your list. Your property? Lower. “Getting the bitch?” Dead last. If you’re of a mind to that, it’s not a goal, it’s gravy. Let her do it to herself, and stand back while she ties the rope. Be more worried about being in the position to be magnanimous – then be magnanimous (Not a doormat!). It’ll make you look good, and piss her off.
Let her worry about being stupid then. Like I said, losing isn’t in her script. She will rarely disappoint you.
Our best weapon is taking these things, these unfair laws and attitudes, and turning them around and making them cut the other way. When the teeth of the law start biting women, they will howl for change, and scream “Uncle.” We are going through this in Indiana right now, and I plan to highlight and publicize how the new law – allowing them to seize assets, tax checks, and garnishee wages of live ins for child support – is hurting women. This will inflame public outrage. I will happily use women against feminists. I will happily create more women who see feminism and their man-hatred as dangerous to women. Feminism is already a five-letter word to a lot of the younger generation – I hear five, and I want four.
Men have got to take their power back, and there is no way to do it but to do it. Gents, we are a minority. One the dating scene – for every 10 attached women, there is one floating around free. Know what that does? It gives you power – please me, or there is another who will.
Push for male birth control – and use it. We can stomp out paternity fraud, and trap pregnancies, in one generation. If not for you, for your sons and brothers.
Start filing Title IX suits. Start using “Anti-Discrimination” laws to shut down women-only spaces.
Use the courts. Clog them up. Petition for review of custody, of child support, even if you know things won’t change. Show up. Shut down the machinery of misandry.
You men who have custody – go after deadbeat moms. Make the state – make feminist inspired laws – hurt women. No matter how much it sucks, that is the only way they will pay attention to how draconian the laws are. That is the only way they will review them. I didn’t, and I regret it. No more Mister Nice Guy.
We can break them. We just have to be smart, and stop being stupid.
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scottkirk said,
June 7, 2007 at 7:52 pm
roadkill1965 said,
June 7, 2007 at 8:46 pm
SM777 said,
Are you guys crazy?
Do you really think it won’t happen to you? After seeing a few of my friends get screwed over (and over, and over, and over….), I’m glad I never bothered getting married or having children.
I keep my money. If I spend it, it’s on a good hooker.
In this day and age, what man needs marriage and kids anyway?
Life is simply too damn easy without wives and the headaches they bring.
Sportsex is fun though.
June 7, 2007 at 9:01 pm
DadWith2Girls said,
Will the columns be extended and more legally descriptive after “my third marriage?” Can’t wait!
As my moniker suggests, I have two children of the female gender. They are always asking me why I am not actively pursuing another relationship with an adult female.
Indeed, they have interrogated me as to whether I am being misogynistic in my habits and shunning of personal involvement with women.
I have tried to express to them that, no, I do not hate women — individually or collectively.
But — as the Gonz’s essay so eloquently describes — the system is now so toxically rigged against men and especially fathers, that for reasons of self-preservation alone, I choose not to play Russian roulette with my liberty.
By the way, despite all the great advice Gonz gave about a man’s need to keep his cool in times of marital duress, i.e. “pre-divorce” (my definition of “marriage”) — any woman can subvert his composure with just one phone call.
The script goes like this: Dial 911. Say these words: “I’m afraid of him!”
The rest is predictable. Dad arrested, restraining order, facing the feminist legal shitstem to prove his innocence without due process, lucky to see his kids, child support, vaginamony, reputation slammed, church women gossiping, his stable bubble of reality popped like a thin delicate mirror.
“My second marriage?”
Thanks to Gonzman and many other fine commentators hereabouts, those are words I will never utter.
June 7, 2007 at 10:35 pm
mruffolo said,
If a man must get married in America, then marry a traditional woman - Latin, Asian or such, right off the boat.
“I wouldn’t even consider dating an American women, the majority are bitchy prudes that only put out when they think they can cash in. I for one will never spend a huge amount of money of some stupid bitch just to get laid. Mexican and Asian women are a much better choice and they look better than American chics too.”
“American women..
- highest maintenance (I’ve never heard of a foreign bride demanding her husband buy expensive house & cars)
- fattest in the world
- most likely to cheat
- highest rate of divorce (60% - US-US marriages; 20% - US-foreign marriages)
- largest payout in divorce court (you’ll be ass-raped for everything you earned, plus most of what you will earn for years to come)
- bitchiest
- most likely to nag constantly
- most likely to believe in feminism and “equality”
- most likely to hate men
- spend least amount of time with her children
- worst at cooking and cleaning
- fucked & chucked by tons of guys before tricking you into marriage”
“Every foreign girl I’ve met was superior in every conceivable way to any other girl I’ve known, from attractiveness to personality.”
http://www.nomarriage.com/why_foreign_women_are_better.html
When a man marries foreign woman he can easily become a citizen of her country of orgin (read: another passport, social security check, and possible freedom from feminized America). For example, citizenship is easy in most South American countries - you marry her, fill out forms, then wait a few years, boom — dual citizenship.
I took my Peruvian girlfriend to dinner in Lincoln Park (a neighborhood full of feminized college graduates). A blond woman looked at us and disagreeably - she knew what was up. She was about an 8 in looks, but I ignored her like she was a 4.
June 7, 2007 at 10:48 pm
mruffolo said,
http://www.nomarriage.com/why_foreign_women_are_better.html
June 7, 2007 at 10:54 pm
KushinLos said,
June 8, 2007 at 12:55 am
Squiggy said,
I was blessed to have a few ‘near-fatal’ relationships crash and burn before it was too late (i.e. no marriage), so I don’t have the baggage you obviously do. But there are still good women out there. It may be ten to one against finding her, but I can’t imagine not trying. I found her, finally. If you quit trying, you end up alone and bitter, posting crying jags in the comments section.
June 8, 2007 at 4:36 am
The Gonzman said,
*THWACK!*
No! Bad Kush!
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE VOLUNTARILY! In the eyes of the law this will be considered “Abandonment.”
This is one of the traps men fall into.
June 8, 2007 at 7:00 am
The Gonzman said,
“Hey Gonz, how do you get such knowledge of how to make good judgements?”
Experience.
“How’d you get that experience, Gonzman?”
Making bad judgements.
It’s how life works, man.
June 8, 2007 at 7:03 am
conservativation said,
During my (ultimately not completed) divorce there was a weekend that I didn’t have my kids at my place and I went with a friend to a Texas beach…a male friend. There was no issue with money, timing, negligence…nothing….but at my next meeting I was asked, with a straight face….”are you gay?” WOW with that kind of creativity on the opposing side, that by traveling with a buddy you must be gay, you indeed need to follow the above advice and stay on your toes.
June 8, 2007 at 7:03 am
thurston861 said,
Let that be a lesson to us all. If you cannot handle combat, do not get married.
June 8, 2007 at 7:15 am
amfortas said,
June 8, 2007 at 8:57 am
mruffolo said,
Also I learned much by sitting and listening in the hallway outside of the courtroom. Sit near woman and men. Listen to them. If you can, ask them a few questions.
The more you visit the County’s Family Court, the more you ought to learn.
Also it is a great place to find a lawyer as you can observe the good ones in action. Do not hesitate to get their names and numbers (In an America marriage, it’s best that the husband have a good divorce lawyer lined up before you need one)(Do not assume that because the lawyer is also a divorced man that he helps divorcing men).
Recall that woman initiate about 80% of divorces and about 50% of them their husbands were surprised. Mine was a surprise, out of the blue - she was unhappy. (Personal note: by the time I recovered from the emotional shock it was late - Yeah I thought as tough guy, that I could handle it. I was wrong.)
PS During a divorce the man is called many things. Gay. Abusive. Lazy. Unfit. Dead Beat. Uncaring. Drunk. Druggie. Violent. Threat to children. Threat to self. Threat to wife. A recall a father/soldier was called a “trained killing machine” (though the government trained him to fight abroad for the government’s interests, the judge, a government employee, used it against the father to separate him from his kids.)
June 8, 2007 at 9:09 am
MartianBachelor said,
I don’t mean to be doing a tag-team thing on you, KushinLos, but do you have a secret plan up your sleeves for accomplishing this which you could share?
My very casual observations lead me to think the average joe would have to fight like hell (and be impecable at same) to get away with maybe a 50/50 split and no child support payments on your part.
_______
Gonz - great piece, but could you elaborate on the following paragraph?
Gents, we are a minority. One the dating scene – for every 10 attached women, there is one floating around free. Know what that does? It gives you power – please me, or there is another who will.
I really could make out what you were saying. If there’s only one unattached for every attached woman, it makes it sound like they (the former) are the minority and the ones with the power.
June 8, 2007 at 9:31 am
Lycurgus said,
June 8, 2007 at 9:51 am
conservativation said,
June 8, 2007 at 9:52 am
The Gonzman said,
Make sense?
June 8, 2007 at 10:10 am
John Dias said,
I thought Gonz was exhorting men NOT to be stupid.
Gonz, I think a lot of the commenters here still are not internalizing your point. Their complaints about American woman and so on, sure they’re valid, but this sentiment smacks more of sour grapes than steely-eyed determination in the face of an entrenched foe. Like you said, “You have to fight you first.” It’s the attitude of moral righteousness, overcoming the cold-and-calm mentality of a victor. Maybe taking the responsibility to become a victor is more than some men can bear, and instead they take to the blogosphere and Internet forums to vent.
June 8, 2007 at 10:31 am
MartianBachelor said,
June 8, 2007 at 10:34 am
PolishKnight said,
One quibble: I don’t think anyone should unquestioningly follow a lawyer’s advice (or the advice of any professional for that matter) especially if they are setting low expectations that someone can achieve on their own in the first place. (I have a friend who was told by his lawyer that the system was going to screw him and be happy with it. That costs $100 an hour?) Let’s not forget that lawyers are one of the players in the system…
If you want to read tips from the enemy, check out NYMOM’s site: She laments that many women took it for granted that the system was stacked against men and assumed that meant they could get away with ANYTHING. (That doesn’t make her admit that the system is biased in favor of women though).
Anyone who has siblings knows that it’s just as, if not more, easy to get into women’s heads than it is to get into ours (ours are more simple and therefore easy to clean up. I can list my insecurities on one hand.) Theirs can fill a hard drive.
I was laughing when I read one vicious hollywood lawyer use tactics against his crazy and very intelligent ex-wife against her. She tried to argue that he was threatening her even as she wanted to get goodies from him. So he suddenly cut her off of the goodies AND stopped answering his phone and the predictable happened (she left a nasty, threatening voice mail on his machine.) Oops!
So, hypothetically, Gonzman’s stupid naive brother could have been the ideal sap and gone for his limited visitation and even given the kids presents in the past and then, without explanation, just suddenly didn’t show up OR provide an explanation. Let HER blast HIS phone with calls asking him where he is or when he’s going to get around to bringing the presents when the kids start crying in her ears and she has a boyfriend waiting to go out on the town while he looks after the kids.
Play a Basinger and record and enjoy.
June 8, 2007 at 11:10 am
S Baker said,
June 8, 2007 at 12:19 pm
conservativation said,
June 8, 2007 at 12:35 pm
KushinLos said,
June 8, 2007 at 1:30 pm
mruffolo said,
The government now has a record that you (the man) were concerned for the safety of your children and yourself to call the police. You’re now the responsible, concerned spouse/parent.
You now increase your chance to get an order of protection against her during the divorce.
Call 911 when you feel afraid (I know. It goes against what you know, however, you will be saving yourself much grief and expense).
Orders of Protections are used by divorce lawyers and judges to get the other spouse out of the house. Getting her out of the house means separating her from the kids and your property. The order will say it’s only temporary arrangement (like all things government and feminist, this is a lie, as it is a permanent arrangement).
Further because you have custody of the kids, she may be obligated to pay support (in reality judges do not order this, however, you will not be ordered to pay 18 years of part of your income).
Remember when you feel afraid, call 911.
June 8, 2007 at 2:05 pm
S Baker said,
June 8, 2007 at 2:38 pm
mruffolo said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:52 pm
DadWith2Girls said,
Gonz, you mean “stuck WITH her?” (The alternative interpretation is a felony assault charge ….)
I have to believe the spellchecker I never use also persecuted you, because you always come across as a gentleman and a scholar.
Though I am interested to know if you had to “stick with” a bad second marriage period of turbulence?
I’ve observed that men who have been in prison use a lot of the same verbs that married men use to describe their situation.
and how come ??? –
(S. Baker) —
“there are some good American women out there” and I agree. They can be found if you will search for a true Christian woman. Conservative Baptist and Mormon women would be my top picks.
I lived in Idaho for many years. Mormon girls were well regarded as the raunchiest sluts between Coeur d’ Alene and Salt Lake City.
Those gals redeemed the whole Freudian concept of repression overcome!
June 8, 2007 at 8:22 pm
The Gonzman said,
How?
I acted like women do. I treated her as my enemy, and went after her before she could go after me.
June 8, 2007 at 8:48 pm
mrlazarus said,
June 9, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Chaos said,
she is very confused woman won’t admit it has to open up an talk to me . And yes they are both on this site i just stay behind not saying anything . Now its about time i start talking an showing my views on things. Funny how people are on here but are not the same off the site .
June 9, 2007 at 9:55 pm
rastus said,
June 10, 2007 at 12:21 am