Alicia Crowe: ‘I experienced how vicious and manipulative an angry custodial parent can be.’

2007-06-30
By

“We got a call from a father who was recently divorced…he had gotten served with a restraining order to keep him away from his ex and their sons.  His ex-wife alleged that during the marriage, he bit her and she and the children were afraid of him…I was initially against representing him. My attitude was that clearly, he must have done something wrong to deserve the reaction he was getting from his ex. Being a black woman, and being new to the practice of family law, I immediately identified with her.

“It was during this case, that I began to make a paradigm shift. Thanks to the ex-wife and her attorney, it was an easy transformation. At the first court appearance , I experienced first-hand just how vicious and manipulative an angry custodial parent can be…”–Alicia Crowe, author of Real Dads Stand Up!”

Alicia Crowe is the author of Real Dads Stand Up!. Below is part I of an interview I’m conducting with her. Her transformation–from someone who figured divorced or separated fathers had always caused their own problems into an advocate for dads–is a great story.

GS: What led you to take up the cause for fathers?

AC: In 1994, I was learning the practice of law through my mentor the late Conrad Lynn, a noted civil rights attorney who had been practicing about 61 years. He was in his eighties. We got a call from a father who was recently divorced and  lived in Georgia, while his ex-wife lived in New York with their two sons. Apparently, he had gotten served with a restraining order to keep him away from his ex and their sons. His ex-wife alleged that during the marriage, he bit her and she and the children were afraid of him and they were especially afraid of his new fiancée, whom incidentally she referred to as “pumpkin head.”

 I was initially against representing him. My attitude was that clearly, he must have done something wrong to deserve the reaction he was getting from his ex. Being a black woman, and being new to the practice of family law, I immediately identified with her.

 It was during this case, that I began to make a paradigm shift. Thanks to the ex-wife and her attorney, it was an easy transformation. At the first court appearance , I experienced first- hand just how vicious and manipulative an angry custodial parent can be when he/she wants to keep the children away from the other parent.  While, in court, the ex-wife and her lawyer mistook me for “pumpkinhead” and asked the judge to remove me from the courtroom on the grounds that I was the women who broke up the marriage and would be called as a possible witness in the case, and that I was otherwise ”inflammatory” and should be removed from the courtroom.  I was astounded.

“As the case progressed, it was clear that she was motivated by hostility and revenge. That day I learned how quickly and easily a father can be stripped of his fatherhood. But more importantly, Attorney Lynn made a compelling argument to the judge about how this father was so courageous to step up to the plate and take his responsibility when so many fathers just leave and forget about their children when conflict arises. He also  challenged me to stand up for these dads. Standing up for real dads helps children.”

 GS: As you’ve stated, the child support system can be adifficult hurdle for single fathers. What do single fathers need to know about the child support system?

AC: Fathers involved in any family court proceeding must know how the system works in order to navigate it. Just like in sports, dads must know the rules of the game before they step out on the court. Too often fathers go into court and think that all they have to do is tell the judge their side of the story and “shazam”-the judge will rule in their favor. That is not so, fathers must have access to information beforehand–when it counts. (more…)

The American Coalition for Fathers and Children
The American Coalition for Fathers and Children is dedicated to creating a family law system which promotes equal rights for all parties affected by divorce. Contact the ACFC at 1-800-978-3237 or visit them on the web at www.acfc.org.
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  • DadWith2Girls

    As a divorced father of (what a revelation!) 2Girls, this Glenn piece really resonates with me.

    The divorce courts are a battleground in which children far too often become both weapons (legal foils) and collateral damage (innocent victims).

    But it goes deeper than that.

    In any failing marriage where children are involved, the alienating parent (typically the woman) will start to use her/his kids as ammunition well before the legal proceedings ensue.

    What I am sggesting is that “parental alienation” starts DURING marriage.

    Any experts on this topic… in Mike’s extensive neighborhood?

  • amfortas

    It is good to see a lawyer who learns from more than simply the books. Her heart shows but I am still concerned about her attitude toward the law and life.

    She says that men should learn the rules of the game, as they do for football. But this isn’t a game. I know of no game where playing fair and well results in losing your home, family, integrity and sometimes your life as a matter of the Rules. There are offside rules in games, which the Courts have thrown away. Cheats are identified and punished in games, not rewarded like in the Courts.

    It is the rules of the law that need changing. There used to be a level playing field where the claims and rebuttals of the parties were subject to a rule of evidence and standards of Truth; where perjury was deterred and punished; where there was little judicial bias and all were equal before the Law.

    The Lawyers have to shoulder a substantial part of the blame for the disgrace they have brought into the Court’s processes. It is Lawyers who will have to do a lot more than simply be sympathetic and tell men that it is men who have to conform to unfair, unjust and patently ridiculous laws and procedures.

    If they and others do not change the system, it will be changed for them. By force.

  • tonysprout

    The media pay attention to where the money goes: “follow the money.” Want to make a statement? Buy her book. Don’t want to read it? Donate it to a library or a local fathers’ group.

  • http://blog.myspace.com/dabir_dalton Dabir Dalton

    The best way to avoid having problems with an ex wife or an ex girlfriend over a child and child support in this day and age is:

    1) avoid marriage at all costs and 2) shun intimate relationships with women…These days Men who don’t bring these problems on themselves which is why I took the time and effort to make my own son aware of what he would be facing if he were to become intimate with a female…The result he isn’t in any hurry to get involved with one…

  • http://mensnewsdaily.com/author/the-gonzman/ The Gonzman

    I’ve read thios lady’s book. It is invaluablke, with the caveat that she is a lawyer, and is part of that system, and doesn’t heap upon it the condemnation it deserves.

    But yes, it is important to know how to play within the rules of the system, but more important, I think, is to recognize the nature of the game: We work in an adversarial system. If you get to the point of litigating, you are not looking to work something out: The courtroom is a battlefield.

    Working out is fine before going to court – but once in court? The minute “Oyez, oyez..” rings out, you are engaged in battle with your enemy.

    To many men go into this battle unprepared to fight to win. Too many men hire a lawyer – FOR $200 OR MORE AN HOUR – to be their General, and then ignore what they have to say, and fail to follow their instructions.

    Women win in family court because they intend to go in, win custody, milk you for as much money as they can, and then do so mercilessly, not caring if they destroy and ruin you in the process. Combined with men who roll over – or mail in their appearance – this accounts for the outrageous terms of many judgements..

    An attorney once told me “Pete, I can sue you for $5000 for not putting enough mustard on the baloney sandwich you gave me. And if you slough it off, say that this is a joke, and don’t show up, or don’t prepare for when you do, you will owe me $5000 dollars.”






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