Nobody Calls God A Man
Nobody’s Opinion: Honestly…I woke up today thinking this very thought…nobody calls God a man.
Hey— I thought it was funny, especially just waking up.
Being as the conversations once again on MND have come to boatloads of vast esoterical questions on whether or not men and women can ever communicate—is Venus on Mars?—are we all missing the picture and the point?— and is taking steroids going to help?
Will Yoko Ono ever talk to Paul McCartney?
I decided when waking up this morning that it was certainly a good thing God doesn’t has to deal with this stuff…or does he?
SCENE: God is up in his pinnacle soft, cushy, god-like “chair” watching universes being born, galaxies colliding, comets crashing, plants spinning, stars bursting…
Mrs. God comes up to him: Hi honey…what ya doing? Are you busy?
GOD: Yeah, I’m watching a really great chaos scene…why? What do you want now? I happen to be relaxing because I just had a Big Bang, and I’m pretty tired and worked hard. I deserve a rest.
MRS GOD: I know honey, but…can’t you clean things up a little around here? I mean, I’m tripping over all this star stuff…can’t you do something?…I mean LOOK at it all. It’s a mess.
GOD: No it’s not. Anyway, I’ll get to it later.
MRS GOD: Well, let me just make a few suggestions…why don’t you put some of that dark matter stuff throughout it all, you know, give it more balance…spread it all out a little…after all, I have to pick up enough star stuff every day, it would help me out a lot.
GOD: Can’t do it. Won’t work.
MRS GOD: What do you mean, it won’t work? Why not?
GOD: It just won’t, you don’t know anything about this stuff.
Mrs. God sighs. She turns around, and trips over the galactic fountain in Carina, which was not in place…which tossed her down a black hole. She comes out in another dimension, far away from her husband.
Quite some time later she gets back to him…tired from picking up some big messes back in the 11th dimension. The worm hole took a long time to clean. Not to mention the pulsar was giving her a headache.
MRS GOD: She looks around. Oh…honey, you did do it! It looks so much better!
GOD: Well, I was tired, but I decided that my idea of putting some more dark matter and balance to the many billions of universes might actually be good glue. What do you think? I think it looks pretty good.
MRS GOD: Oh…it's really beautiful…but tell me…is it me? Or do you just have four dimensions going on here?
GOD: Yeah, why?
MRS GOD: Well, don’t you think you should add some more?…you know, maybe eleven? And maybe you could “string” the dimensions all together like? Wouldn’t that be pretty?
GOD: You’ve got to be kidding me. (God looks very annoyed)
MRS GOD: Well, you know I just got back from the eleventh dimension and it really does look pretty as a picture.
GOD….says nothing.
MRS GOD: Well, maybe later…I know you’re tired.
GOD….says nothing.
MRS GOD: Honey? (Knowing it was time to change the subject) When was the last time you visited that cute little planet Earth? I mean, they sure could use some help down there. You know, they’re pretty isolated. Maybe you could send down your spirit in a “son” you know, put it in a man and he could give them poor people some help.
GOD: Won’t work.
MRS GOD: Why not?
GOD: Well, for one thing, it’s not as easy as it looks. Putting my “seed” into a Virgin is not exactly a good time right now, they are still in the dark ages. She might be killed.
MRS GOD: Well, why don’t you let me help out? I could get some angels to do some talking…you know…
GOD: You and your angels.
MRS GOD: Oh honey, it won’t take you long.
GOD: Okay…I might as well do this stuff, but after that…I’m going to RELAX!
MRS GOD: Yes, honey, you deserve it.
She goes over to move the black hole that she tripped in before out of the way.
While she is doing that, God puts in more dimensions, puts Jesus on the Earth, flicks a star for his benefit from his little finger, then relaxes back down into his nebulous cushion, adjusts the Orion and Horsehead Nebulae one more time, and starts snoring.
This in turn blows two hundred galaxies off course, thereby causing a ripple affect of massive solar flares from the sun next to the little plant Earth.
Mrs. God sighs. She knows when he wakes up she is going to have to get him to do something about that man on earth named Al Gore, who is causing a big problem.
Also, she doesn’t like just having eleven dimensions in this universe…she thinks a few more might actually make things look a bit nicer.
Mrs. God thinks: What would he do without me?
******
Nobody Cares; In the event of a castrostophic revelation of someone actually discovering the meaning of life and death, and all the answers in-between, I will forever be considering just about everything in the universe, with the exception of gardenias…absurd.
At least until I talk to Mrs God.
I am a nobody. If the different classes of America were color-coded, I would be in your yucky brown, one rink up from the bottom. I grew up in Naples, Florida and live near the Mississippi River now with my husband and two dogs. I am part of the slowly disappearing middle-class. I was a musician most of my life;drummer/singer/keyboards---but I retired before the plastic surgery flu hit. I have no degrees, which could be a good thing...depending on how you view our educational system. I do have three patents...but that really doesn't make me a somebody. The one thing that is constant in my life is my OPINIONS...which I have more of than perhaps even Carl Sagan could have imagined, mostly political. Hopefully other nobodys will put their opinions on my site. But if you are a sombody...you're more than welcomed to help out. I will try to prove that sometimes nobody knows the answers, sometimes nobody cares, sometimes nobody wins, and most importantly...NOBODY is perfect. Please bear this in mind when you read my thoughts. I don't mean to offend nobody, it's all in good fun. | More from Joyanna Adams
Stumble It!
July 1st, 2007 at 7:24 am
So that’s where Lucifer came from! Always demanding, cajoling, complaining, manipulating, Godipulating even. The Princess of Lies was ex Mrs. God!
July 1st, 2007 at 8:12 am
Where could one get “Mrs. God” out of the below? Joyanna perhaps you should study a little more scripture and find a better subject to make a satire about.
LORD (Heb. Jehovah)
(1) The primary meaning of the name LORD (Jehovah) is the “self-existent One.” Literally (as in Ex 3:14), “He that is who He is, therefore the eternal I AM:”
But Havah, from which Jehovah, or Yahwe, is formed, signifies also “to become,” that is, to become known, thus pointing to a continuous and increasing self-revelation. Combining these meanings of Havah, we arrive at the meaning of the name Jehovah. He is “the self- existent One who reveals Himself.” The name is, in itself, an advance upon the name “God” (El, Elah, Elohim), which suggests certain attributes of Deity, as strength, etc., rather than His essential being.
(2) It is significant that the first appearance of the name Jehovah in Scripture follows the creation of man. It was God (Elohim) who said, “Let us make man in our image” (Ge 1:26); but when man, as in the second chapter of Genesis, is to fill the scene and become dominant over creation, it is the Lord God (Jehovah Elohim) who acts. This clearly indicates a special relation of Deity, in His Jehovah character, to man, and all Scripture emphasizes this.
(3) Jehovah is distinctly the redemption name of Deity. When sin entered and redemption became necessary, it was Jehovah Elohim who sought the sinning ones Ge 3:9-13 and clothed them with “coats of skins” Ge 3:21 a beautiful type of righteousness provided by the Lord God through sacrifice Ro 3:21-22. The first distinct revelation of Himself by His name Jehovah was in connection with the redemption of the covenant people out of Egypt Ex 3:13-17. As Redeemer, emphasis is laid upon those attributes of Jehovah which the sin and salvation of man bring into exercise. These are:
(a) His holiness Le 11:44; 19:1; 20:26; Hab 1:12-13
(b) His hatred and judgment of sin De 32:35-42; Ge 6:5-7; Ps 11:4-6; 66:18; Ex 34:6-7
(c) His love for and redemption of sinners, but always righteously Ge 3:21; 8:20-21; Ex 12:12-13; Le 16:2-3; Isa 53:5-6,10 Salvation by Jehovah apart from sacrifice is unknown to Scripture.
(4) In his redemptive relation to man, Jehovah has seven compound names which reveal Him as meeting every need of man from his lost state to the end. These compound names are:
(a) Jehovah-jireh, “the Lord will provide” Ge 22:13-14 i.e., will provide a sacrifice;
(b) Jehovah-rapha, “the Lord that healeth” Ex 15:26. That this refers to physical healing the context shows, but the deeper healing of soul malady is implied.
(c) Jehovah-nissi, “the Lord our banner” Ex 17:8-15. The name is interpreted by the context. The enemy was Amalek, a type of the flesh, and the conflict that day stands for the conflict of Ga 5:17 the war of the Spirit against the flesh. Victory was wholly due to divine help.
(d) Jehovah-Shalom, “the Lord our peace,” or “the Lord send peace” Jg 6:24. Almost the whole ministry of Jehovah finds expression and illustration in that chapter. Jehovah hates and judges sin Ge 2:1-5. Jehovah loves and saves sinners Ge 2:7-18 but only through sacrifice Ge 2:19-21 see also Ro 5:1; Eph 2:14; Col 1:20.
(e) Jehovah-ra-ah, “the Lord my shepherd” (Psa 23.). In Ps. 22 Jehovah makes peace by the blood of the cross; in Ps 23. Jehovah is shepherding His own who are in the world. Cmt. on Joh 10:7
(f) Jehovah-tsidkenu, “the Lord our righteousness” Jer 23:6. This name of Jehovah occurs in a prophecy concerning the future restoration and conversion of Israel. Then Israel will hail him as Jehovah-tsidkenu–”the Lord our righteousness.”
(g) Jehovah-shammah, “the Lord is present” Eze 48:35. This name signifies Jehovah’s abiding presence with His people Ex 33:14-15; 1Ch 16:27,33; Ps 16:11; 97:5; Mt 28:20; Heb 13:5
(5) Lord (Jehovah) is also the distinctive name of Deity as in covenant with Israel Ex 19:3; 20:1-2; Jer 31:31-34.
(6) Lord God (Heb. Jehovah Elohim) is the first of the compound names of Deity. Lord God is used distinctly:
(1) of the relation of Deity to man
(a) as Creator Ge 2:7-15
(b) as morally in authority over man Ge 2:16-17
(c) as creating and governing the earthly relationships of man Ge 2:18-24; 3:16-19,22-24 and
(d) as redeeming man Ge 3:8-15,21
(2) of the relation of Deity to Israel Ge 24:7; 28:13; Ex 3:15; 4:5; 5:1; 7:6; De 1:11; 4:1; 6:3; 12:1; Jos 7:13,19; 10:40,42; Jg 2:12; 1Sa 2:30; 1Ki 1:48; 2Ki 9:6 See other names of Deity,
Cmt. on Ge 1:1 Cmt. on Ge 14:18 Cmt. on Ge 15:2 Cmt. on Ge 17:1 Cmt. on Ge 21:33 Cmt. on 1Sa 1:3
Margin: Lord God Deity (names of God) Cmt. on Mal 3:18
July 1st, 2007 at 8:16 am
amfortas: Here is where the devil came from.
devil
Satan, Summary: This fearful being, apparently created one of the cherubim Cmt. on Eze 1:5 Cmt. on Eze 28:12 and anointed for a position of great authority, perhaps over the primitive creation, (note 3); Cmt. on Ge 1:2 Eze 28:11-15 fell through pride Isa 14:12-14 His “I will” Isa 14:13 marks the introduction of sin into the universe. Cast out of heaven Lu 10:18 he makes earth and air the scene of his tireless activity Eph 2:2; 1Pe 5:8. After the creation of man he entered into the serpent. Cmt. on Ge 3:1, and, beguiling Eve by his subtilty, secured the downfall of Adam and through him of the race, and the entrance of sin into the world of men Ro 5:12-14.
The Adamic Covenant Cmt. on Ge 3:14 promised the ultimate destruction of Satan through the “Seed of the woman.” Then began his long warfare against the work of God in behalf of humanity, which still continues. The present world-system Re 13:8 organized upon the principle of force, greed, selfishness, ambition, and sinful pleasure, is his work and was the bribe which he offered to Christ Mt 4:8-9. Of that world-system he is prince Joh 14:30; 16:11 and god 2Co 4:4. As “prince of the power of the air” Eph 2:2 he is at the head of vast host of demons. Cmt. on Mt 7:22. To him, under God, was committed upon earth the power of death Heb 2:14. Cast out of heaven as his proper sphere and “first estate,” he still has access to God as the “accuser of the brethren” Re 12:10 and is permitted a certain power of sifting or testing the self-confident and carnal among believers Job 1:6-11; Lu 22:31-32; 1Co 5:5; 1Ti 1:20 but this is strictly permissive and limited power, and believers so sifted are kept in faith through the advocacy of Christ Lu 22:31-32. Cmt. on 1Jo 2:1. At the beginning of the great tribulation Satan’s privilege of access to God as accuser will be withdrawn Re 12:7-12. At the return of Christ in glory Satan will be bound for one thousand years Re 20:2 after which he will be “loosed for a little season” Re 20:3,7-8 and will become the head of final effort to overthrow the kingdom. Defeated in this, he will be finally cast into the lake of fire, his final doom. The notion that he reigns in hell is Miltonic, not biblical. He is prince of this present world-system, but will be tormented in the lake of fire.
July 1st, 2007 at 8:23 am
1 God
Summary of the O.T. revelation of Deity: God is revealed in the O.T. (1) through His names, as follows: ————————————————————————- Class | English Form | Hebrew Equivalent ————————————————————————- Primary |God | El, Elah, or Elohim (Ge. 1.1,note) |LORD | Jehovah (Ge. 2,4, note) |Lord | Adon or Adonai (Ge. 15.2, note) | | Compound (with |Almighty God | El Shaddai (Ge. 17.1, note) El = God) |Most High, or | |most high God | El Elyon (Ge. 14.18, note) |everlasting God | El Olam (Ge. 21.33, note) | | Compound (with |LORD God | Jehovah Elohim (Ge. 2.4, note) Jehovah = Lord)|Lord GOD | Adonai Jehovah (Ge. 15.2, note) |LORD of hosts | Jehovah Sabaoth (1Sa 1.3, note)
Cmt. on Ge 1:1 Cmt. on Ge 2:4 Cmt. on Ge 15:2 Cmt. on Ge 17:1 Cmt. on Ge 14:18 Cmt. on Ge 21:33 Cmt. on Ge 2:4 Cmt. on Ge 15:2 Cmt. on 1Sa 1:3
The trinity is suggested by the three times repeated groups of threes. This is not an arbitrary arrangement, but inheres in the O.T. itself.
This revelation of God by His name is invariably made in connection with some particular need of His people, and there can be no need of man to which these names do not answer as showing that man’s true resource is in God. Even human failure and sin but evoke new and fuller revelations of the divine fulness.
(2) The O.T. Scriptures reveal the existence of a Supreme Being, the Creator of the universe and of man, the Source of all life and of all intelligence, who is to be worshipped and served by men and angels. This Supreme Being is One, but, in some sense not fully revealed in the O.T., is a unity in plurality. This is shown by the plural name, Elohim, by the use of the plural pronoun in the interrelation of deity as evidenced in Ge 1:26; 3:22; Ps 110:1; Isa 6:8. That this plurality is really a Trinity is intimated in the three primary names of Deity, and in the threefold ascription of the Seraphim in Isa 6:3 That the interrelation of Deity is that of Father and Son is directly asserted Ps 2:7; Heb 1:5 and the Spirit is distinctly recognized in His personality, and to Him are ascribed all the divine attributes (e.g. Ge 1:2; Nu 11:25; 24:2; Jg 3:10; 6:34; 11:29; 13:25; 14:6,19; 15:14; 2Sa 23:2; Job 26:13; 33:4; Ps 106:33; 139:7; Isa 40:7; 59:19; 63:10. Cmt. on Mal 2:15.
(3) The future incarnation is intimated in the theophanies, or appearances of God in human form (e.g. Ge 18:1,13,17-22; 32:24-30 and distinctly predicted in the promises connected with redemption (e.g. Ge 3:15 and with the Davidic Covenant (e.g.Isa 7:13-14 .
The revelation of Deity in the N.T. so illuminates that of the O.T. that the latter is seen to be, from Genesis to Malachi, the foreshadowing of the coming incarnation of God in Jesus the Christ. In promise, covenant, type, and prophecy the O.T. points forward to Him.
(4) The revelation of God to man is one of authority and redemption. He requires righteousness from man, but saves the unrighteous through sacrifice; and in His redemptive dealings with man all the divine persons and attributes are brought into manifestation. The O.T. reveals the justice of God equally with His mercy, but never in opposition to His mercy. The flood, e.g., was an unspeakable mercy to unborn generations. From Genesis to Malachi He is revealed as the seeking God who has no pleasure in the death of the wicked, and who heaps up before the sinner every possible motive to persuade to faith and obedience.
(5) In the experience of the O.T. men of faith their God inspires reverence but never slavish fear; and they exhaust the resources of language to express their love and adoration in view of His loving-kindness and tender mercy. This adoring love of His saints is the triumphant answer to those who pretend to find the O.T. revelation of God cruel and repellent. It is in harmony, not contrast, with the N.T. revelation of God in Christ.
(6) Those passages which attribute to God bodily parts and human emotions (e.g. Ex 33:11,20; De 29:20; 2Ch 16:9; Ge 6:6-7; Jer 15:6) are metaphorical and mean that in the infinite being of God exists that which answers to these things–eyes, a hand, feet, etc.; and the jealousy and anger attributed to Him are the emotions of perfect Love in view of the havoc of sin.
(7) In the O.T. revelation there is a true sense in which, wholly apart from sin or infirmity, God is like His creature man Ge 1:27 and the supreme and perfect revelation of God, toward which the O.T. points, is a revelation in and through a perfect Man.
July 1st, 2007 at 9:12 am
Is this the same Joyanna Adams which made the below comment under the article Pictures and Points?
Joi said,
Joyanna Adams said, “Take a look around you…who runs the world? men.”
You actually believe that? I’m a man and believe me we aren’t running anything; anymore…
Men have absolutely no reproductive rights whatsoever, and women are the sole arbiters of reproduction.
Please read Legalizing Misandry and Spreading Misandry…
http://mqup.mcgill.ca/book.php?bookid=1323
http://mqup.mcgill.ca/book.php?bookid=1966
June 28, 2007 at 7:36 pm
July 1st, 2007 at 9:36 am
Joi said, amfortas: Here is where the devil came from.
Is this the same Joi who is made in the image and likeness of God? Is God a humourless old bugger?
July 1st, 2007 at 10:46 am
1. amfortas
You have a way with word that makes me envious. You condense complex ideas into contex that is easy to read, humorous even in serious subejects.
As to your predecessors essay, it was too long to read and frankly a little off our forum.(or off the wall)
I had wondered why Devil (Lucifer) gets such a bad rap in speeches and publications. Why does he (usually assumed to man, but as you clarified may not be)Tor a pleasure of leadin people to eternal damnation. As the latest Pope proclaime “Hell is real and eternal”
The orthodox chosen people don’d even spell the name of C reader, but leave the middle letter out G-d
Muslims don’t allow depiction of their profet in picture.
Could you explain to me something I was wondering this morning before looking MND. How was the world created some 5000 years ago when people were not even aware of Orioent, Americas and other places with longer history?
July 1st, 2007 at 11:58 am
Joyanna,
Apparently your stand-up ‘net comedy is too profound for this neighborhood.
You are supremely intelligent, very funny, and philosophical as well.
When I comment “you GO GIRLLLL…” — I usually mean it as an insult.
Keep going girl.
You have that special spark of ironic weirdness that works.
You wanna do real stand-up on stage, right?
July 1st, 2007 at 12:39 pm
God was a poor selection to make “stand-up ‘net comedy.”
July 1st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Joi -
God is the very best selection for comedy!
S/he embodies everything that is tragically funny about the human race.
What a klutz!
Can you imagine a less competent god than what we’ve settled for?
A greeter at Wal-Mart is where I found God.
Very polite little obsequious man.
Fetched my cart.
Very good ….. god.
He controlled his entiore domain.
Unlike the ummm…. fake god.
July 1st, 2007 at 1:59 pm
There once was a Jesuit from Nantucket…
July 1st, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Mike,
Yes, the Jesuits put their tawdry imprint on me.
In the form of a Ph.D. from one of their elite universities.
I’m still trying to sus’ out their bait-and-switch gambit ….
Kinda like MND!
July 1st, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Great stuff Joyanna!
Hey Joi, next time somebody starts telling a “knock knock” joke try to supress any urge you might have to actually get up to go see who’s at the door.
Loosen the ecclesiastical skivvies, relish in the God-given freedom to laugh, and roll with it. It’s funny.
Really though, I suppose if God had a wife, the Bible would read, “… and on the seventh day, God rested — until being told to mow the lawn and fix the leaky pipe under the kitchen sink.
July 1st, 2007 at 9:40 pm
God isn’t a topic to make jest about, no matter how “funny” the material is. Unfortunately, the majority fail to see this.
July 1st, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Actually, the real facts of the matter was that God DID have some help in the creation bizzo.
He made the heavens and the Earth in the six days his architect had allotted and had a further week for the rest of the Universe.
On the sixth day (some arguement still exists) he made Adam. He had finished of the Planet in England (which entitled Him to be called English) and had smoothed down the left over mud just to the north and scooping a bit up He formed Adam, the first man and first Scot.
Actually, McAdam.
“There you go, McAdam” He said. “All yours, sunshine”
“Is that it?”, said Adam, incredulously. “This flat brown place is all mine”
“Flat! Brown? No, that’s Australia. This is Scotland”
“But its flat and brown, God. Can ye not break up the horizon a bit with some hills and moontins?”
“What, like this”, said God. And, whoosh!, there were hills and glens and mountains and valleys.
“Aye, that’s better. And how about some greenery. Its all very dull”
“Greenery, Adam?”
“Aye, some green stuff, soft and fluffy to sit on”
Whoosh! “Like that?” And there were grasses everywhere. Green and yellow (He had flair).
“And its a bit hot, God. How about some trees?”
“It’s summer Adam, Wait till winer, it’ll freeze your balls off. I haven’t fixed the thermostat yet. In fact, its on my schedule for next year. But what are trees?
“Ye ken. They’re like grass but big. Big fluffy tops too. Give us a bit of shade”.
Whoosh. “That OK?”. There were trees everywhere; forests, copses, some huge buggers going up a hundred feet and small bushy wossnames everywhere. The place looked quite nice.
“Anything else in mind?”, asked God, who was on a roll.
“Weeel, there could be some rivers”
“Rivers, Adam?”
“Aye, rivers. Water flowing down the hills so we can dangle our feet in them and cool a bit”
“Oh, like this”. Whoosh! Rivers, streams, babbling brooks, lakes and seas for them to flow into. And blue! And shiney. Relective even. Adam had a good look at himself for the first time ever. (ten minutes had passed). God was enjoying Himself.
Over the next hour, at Adam’s suggestions, God made fjords and ski-slopes, deserts (eleswhere, for balance) all sorts of animals and flowers (for colour), fish and fowl, masses of add-on goodies. What a generous God.
Eventually God created a watch and looking at it said, “Bless Me, how time flies. I must be off Adam, there’s a Universe waiting to be made”.
“Aye, I supppose. But before ye goo, how about a cup of tea”
They sat together by the brook, toes a’cooling and chatting about what God could do out there in the Firmament, Adam making all sorts of schemes, and drinking tea from the new tea-pot.
“Well, Adam, old son. I must be off. Is there anything else before I go?”
Aye”, said Adam, “There’s the wee matter of a shilling for the cup of tea!”
July 1st, 2007 at 11:08 pm
Joi…you are certainly right…I’ve read the whole Bible, cover to cover, and I do not blieve there is a MRS God anywhere mentioned.
I just made her up…and here’s my reason.
In the Bible it says, we are made in God’s image right? (Well man–which gives me a loophole here, maybe)having said that—
If we are the spit image of God, and God made man in his image… then God MUST have a sense of humor, because people do! He must like to laugh a lot, and to prove it, he put nipples on men, and gave us all babies and puppies to tickle.
There is an awful lot of laughter everywhere…thank goodness.
He also gave us DOUG POWERS, his finest example of wit and mirth, and amfortas, another man of vast imagination..(having tea with God…that’s great!) and if you want to understand the theories on God, read any of Mike’s great essays on the subject.
But Joi, seriously, I did not mean in any way to offend you. Your vast knowledge of the Bible is MOST impressive, and I hope that you belong to a church, or minister a people where you live..so that all that knowledge is used to help others.
And thanks for taking the time to put it all on my little “Piece” ..God bless you.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Wait…I forgot DAD WITH GIRLS….thanks so much sir…you made my night.
Oh…I can’t tell a joke to die for. Whenever I tried on stage, everyone would pretty much give me a JOI….
So I just shut up and sang.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:46 pm
It was a week later that trouble came to this strange new world.
Adam had been busy honing his skills. All the usual masculine stuff. Huntin’ & fishin’, making huts, spanning rivers with tree bridges, eating with his fingers….
And he was getting a bit lonely. He wanted a pal, a mate, a good buddy to knock ideas about with. Knock about with. Knock about.
It had occurred to God too, Him being all knowing and all.
He came back to see how Adam was settling in. He spotted Adam as he came in to land and just as Adam spotted Him.
“God, am I glad to see yooo”, greeted Adam.
“Hellooo there Adam. Just dropping by to see how things are”.
“Well, its all just Great!.”
“Well, I said it was good. Several times in fact.”
“Aye, but there is a wee problem”
‘What’s that, Adam?”
“There’s just me. Ahm on ma tod. I like all these animals and things and that sheep over there is quite friendly, but there’s no-one to talk to”.
“Fear not Adam. I was thinking about that on Wednesday. I was out the other side of the Andromeda Galaxy, finishing off a few things and it occurred to me that you could be getting loney and guess what, I had this brill idea.”
“Oh aye”
“Aye, yes. A mate for you. See… Look…. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but… ahh… well, you were my first go at making a human and I have a Mk 2 human being in mind.”
“A Mk 2?”
“Yes. You see Adam, as a prototype you are pretty special. You will always be my number one. But I have in mind a swept-up version with a host of new features.”
“Aye?”
“Yep. I am going to call her ‘Woman’. The W for ‘Wowee’ and the O for Oarsome, coz she is sure going to row your boat, my friend.”
“What’s a boat, God?”
“Never mind. I’ll get around to it, or you will. Stick to the point here”. (bloody Adam, always getting distracted and digressing). Anyway, you’ll just love women. Hahaha. Just you wait.”
“Give us a clue, God”, said Adam, beginning to be intrigued.
” Well, old son, she is going to be fantastic. Where you are a bit lumpy and hairy and hard, she will be smooth and curvy and soft, with nice handfulls of bits up front, and down below an interesting little device for mutual pleasure and joy. Hair Adam, much nicer, shinier and longer hair, on the head. Interesting decorative tufts elsewhere too. And that’s just the start”
“There’s more?”, a now excited Adam, warming to it.
“Oh yes. There’s lots I could tell you Adam, but I will be very busy for a long while, so I am making woman the font of all knowledge and wisdom, just like me, so anything you want to know, she will tell you.
“That’ll be handy”
‘Oh yes. And there’s more. She will be loving and kind, always helpful. Agree with pretty well everything you want to do. She will adore you – and with a bit of cross training maybe it will rub off and you will adore me!”
“Oh, shucks God, you’re pulling my leg. I think you are the best God going”
“Well, that’s as maybe. Your thinking that is. Anyway, back to the point. She will keep you warm at night, well fed during the day, fill your senses with delight, talk to you as much as you want, carry water, chop wood, the lot. Woman will be well nigh perfect”.
“She sounds GREAT!, God. When is she coming?”
“Cumming? You are getting a bit ahead of yourself Adam. Slow it down. Stretch the anticipation out a bit. She’ll cum easily enough if you read the book Marc will write , when I get around to him”
“But I waant her now”, demanded Adam.
“Ok. Right now. I need to make her as compatible as possible so I am going to make her out of you”
“OK, God, What do you need?”
I need an arm and a leg, Adam”
“AN ARM AND A LEG!!!” I canna give you an arm and a leg. I’ll not be able to hunt and fish with just one arm and one leg. I’ll be knackerd hopping everywhere.”
God looked at him. One of ‘those’ whithering looks that Adam would soon get so used to. Adam suggested – “What can you make from a spare rib?”
It was then that Adam came to realise limitations when God intook a sharp, long breath between pursed lips.
“It’ll mean cutting corners, Adam”
July 2nd, 2007 at 4:24 am
And now w ehave the rest of the story to look forward to, but it was a long time before there were cars. Marc came along, but without cars he had no analogy, and without the analogy he couldn’t get under the hood, therefore women lived centuries unsatisfied with men.
Let the Rudolvian era begin!
July 2nd, 2007 at 7:13 am
Joyanna Adams said, “But Joi, seriously, I did not mean in any way to offend you. Your vast knowledge of the Bible is MOST impressive, and I hope that you belong to a church, or minister a people where you live..so that all that knowledge is used to help others.”
Thank you for the complement Joyanna. I hold a Bachelors of Arts and Science in Christian Ministries with a minor in Criminal Justice.
Although I know a bit of the bible I can say if I spent my entire life dedicated to nothing but studying the bible I could never finish learning everything in it as it is as endless as the stars above. “The bible is no mere book but a living creature with the power to conquer all whom appose it.”- Napoleon.
My apolgies for being so defensive-protective regarding the subject of God; its a habit…
July 2nd, 2007 at 1:50 pm
One observation:
When I was in college and in a creative writing class, I wrote a story which almost got me into a lot of trouble with the feminist “professorette” who taught the class, and who had on her wall a poster that said “God created man, then corrected her mistake.”
My crime? I wrote a story about the end of days…
…And made the Anti-Christ, the opposite of Jesus Christ in every way – a woman.
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:49 pm
Hey, why don’t you put it up here Gonzman…I bet everyone would love it1