Jones, Lewinsky, Willey, and Hairstyle Justice

Author’s Note: Since the country may be ready for another Billary go-round, I thought I’d put up an essay I wrote during Slick’s scandal filled days.

Newsweek’s bureau chief, Evan Thomas, once dismissed Paula Jones as “some sleazy woman with big hair coming out of the trailer parks.” While Thomas has since had a change of heart, it is this writer’s opinion that the hairstyle theory of justice is a fine buttress for the President’s virtue–not that he needs one.

After all, everyone knows that President Clinton has, for the most part, been feminist in his public policies. This renders the tales of Flowers, Jones, Lewinsky, Willey, et.al. inherently implausible. It is a truism that dissonance between public behavior and private is virtually unknown and that ideological belief almost always accords perfectly with everyday action. Has any feminist, of either sex, ever stumbled over “girl” when referring to an adult woman or slipped into a generic “he”? Of course not!

At any rate, Jones’s lawsuit should have been thrown out of court as soon as the judge spotted that mass of tell-tale curls which denotes a liar as surely as Pinocchio’s nose. The duplicitous Jones has recently sought to mislead the public by having her hair redone along the straight and lean lines favored by honest women. However, most of the public should be able to see through this ploy.

Monica Lewinsky’s hair, though not curly, is of a bulk which unmistakably denotes the woman of untrustworthy fantasies. Ditto the hair of Kathleen Willey.

Some of the President’s accusers may follow the route of the sly Paula Jones by getting a new hairstyle to support their scurrilous claims. Luckily for the Republic, photographs exist recording their hairstyles at the time the charges–and vindicating our President.

Quite apart from the Clinton/Jones imbroglio, our courts are notoriously bogged down; many complain about the difficulty of discerning the truth from disputed versions of event. Judges and jurors should be grateful that they can now be guided by the hairstyle theory of justice.