‘My mother told me my dad is bad person…I am part of him–doesn’t that make me sort of like that too?’

Amy J.L. Baker, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind, says that the adult children of parental alienation interviewed for her book reported problems with low self-esteem and self-hatred.

I’ve always suspected that was the case–all of us are a combination of our mothers and fathers, so if one parent hates the other, to a child it must feel like a part of himself or herself is also to be despised. I speculate that this is a particularly bad problem for boys. Since most (though by no means all) parental alienators are mothers, many, many boys are being told that the person they resemble and mirror the most in the world–their fathers–are bad. The effect can be devastating.

Baker writes:

“Consistent with the speculations of other researchers, including Waldron and Joanis (1996), self-esteem problems were prevalent. As Veronica explained, ‘My brother always thought he was ugly and I always thought I was and I don’t know if it was because thinking they didn’t want us as babies you know. I did think I was bad, really nasty. I always had no confidence, nothing. Nobody likes me.’ Edward, too, reported low self-esteem. ‘I think it hurt my self-esteem. I have trouble taking any praise. Now matter how much I accomplish it doesn’t seem to be that much.’

“This sentiment was echoed by many of the other adult children of PAS, including Bonnie, ‘I think part of me is missing as a person because you need to…as a child you need to have a safety feeling in your life and when you have somebody like my mother who is constantly sitting there telling you this person who is your dad and is part of you telling you he is such a bad person and he’s going to do all these terrible things and it is like if he is so bad and I am part of him then doesn’t that make me sort of like that too? I think part of me didn’t develop the way it could have and that probably contributes to the self-esteem problems.’

“Josh reported similar experiences, ‘I had low self-esteem, low self-concept, no self-identity. Everything was based on what other people told me to do or how I should act. I had no thoughts or feelings of my own.’”

To learn more about Parental Alienation, click here.

Are You the Target of Parental Alienation? Parental alienation expert J. Michael Bone, Ph.D. can help you get back into your children’s lives. His services are available throughout the U.S.–call (407) 645-0662 or write to jmbone@jmbconsulting.org. jmbconsulting.org