Announcer: “Fox News now returns to ‘Lost In Middle Earth: The Heart-Rending Utah Mining Calamity,’ with Greta Van Susteren in Utah.”
Greta Van Susteren: “Well, folks, the mood here in Huntington Utah is somber as the valiant efforts to drill down to find these miners continues. The feeling of sheer helplessness overtook me several hours ago, and I began to dig my own tunnel down to find these poor, trapped souls, using only my hands. I’m proud to report that I’ve excavated a good 8 inches, despite the interference of the mining officials who seem to think that my efforts might be distracting. Shep, if they want a race, I’ll give them a race. I’ve got 8 more fingernails to give.”
Shepard Smith: “Well, Greta, you continue to amaze me. I find your valor inspiring, and dare I say, hot. In fact, if you were here, right now, I might need to take you right here on this desk. With mining helmets on, of course. But…lest we lose focus, let’s bring in some mining experts who can help us make sense of this epic tragedy. First, some musicians who fully understand the horror and sorrow of a mine shaft collapse, the remaining members of the Bee Gees, who penned the song “New York Mining Disaster 1941? back in 1967. Barry and Robin Gibb, welcome.”
Barry Gibb: “Thank you, Shepard. Although I must admit, Robin and I aren’t quite sure why you want to talk with us.”
Shepard Smith: “Surely, you jest, Barry. Did you not write the song that seems oddly prescient given the current circumstances in Utah?”
Robin Gibb: “Uh, we did write it, but how does it have anything to do with what’s going on in Utah? And must we wear these god-forsaken miners helmets?”
Shepard Smith: “The helmets symbolically connect us with the lost souls in Utah, Mr. Gibb. Let me ask you about your lyrics…
‘I keep straining my ears to hear a sound.
Maybe someone is digging underground,
or have they given up and all gone home to bed,
thinking those who once existed must be dead.’
So you think these miners are dead, no?”
Barry Gibb: “Uh, no. We wrote those words 40 years ago.”
Shepard Smith: “Oddly foreboding, no?”
Robin Gibb: “No. We were ridiculously high. I wrote those lyrics after eating a gram of mushrooms.”
Shepard Smith: “Let’s go to the next mine expert, a young man from Tulsa, Oklahoma, who understands the meaning of the word “mine,” Timmy Newsome!”
Shepard Smith: “Hi Timmy!”
Timmy Newsome: “MINE!”
Shepard Smith: “Yes, we know, Timmy, it’s a horrible calamity. Do you have any suggestions as to how we can cope with this looming disaster?”
Timmy Newsome “MINE!”
Shepard Smith: “I know. God love you. You are so focused on the problem, that you are unable to detach.”
Timmy Newsome: “MINE!!!!”
Greta Van Susteren: “Let him go, Shep. He’s in shock.”
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Doug Powers said,
August 15, 2007 at 7:42 am
tv2112 said,
August 15, 2007 at 8:07 am
Buckley F. Williams said,
August 15, 2007 at 12:31 pm