Where Are All Of The Moderate Farm Combines?
Editorial by Buckley F. Williams
I read with great dismay, although no surprise, a story this morning about another innocent farmer whose arm was viciously mauled by a bloodthirsty farm combine: a phenomenon known in combine circles as a “homicide mangling.” By my count, that makes seventeen such attacks in calendar year 2007 (and that’s not including one so-called “accident” in Iowa where a farmer, clearly fearing combine reprisal, told police his cat bit his arm off). As this pattern of violence by these machinated extremists continues, those in the mainstream media do their level best to ignore the facts and present this trend as a common occurrence in all gas-powered machines.
Indeed, if such organizations as The New York Times and CNN are to be believed, you would be under the impression that you are just as likely to have your arm ripped from the shoulder in a snow plow, leaf blower, or street sweeper as in the farm combine’s whirling blades of death. This is patently false. Moreover, such equivocation merely detracts from the problem at hand and gives a de facto pass to the true aggressors.
The question then remains: Why do combines get a free pass? Well, for starters, the PC mentality that riddles our national discourse has greatly contributed to the special treatment–some would say coddling–that combines have enjoyed from most in the political and media establishments. On top of that, there are those in the combine community who protest loudly and vigorously at any perceived slight or instance of combine-profiling, claiming that the fundamentalist combine organizations are fringe groups and not reflective of the combine population at large.
Take the words of Ibrahim Cropper, spokesman for the Council of Combine Anti-defamation, Independence, and Reparations (CCAIR). When presented with irrefutable facts regarding the extent of farm combine violence, Mr. Cropper immediately dismissed the information as suspect.
“Rhetoric such as this smacks of intolerance and combinophobia at their basest levels,” said Cropper. “Since their creation by the Most High John Deere–Wheat Be Upon He–combines have been known as the Farm Implements of Peace. That anyone would question this speaks volumes about the depth of hatred in their hearts, and the low moral fiber within their souls.”
To say that Mr. Cropper misses the point would be an understatement of the first order. Any serious-minded person would see his arguments for what they are: transparent attempts to skirt the issue and convince the American farmer that the combine is his friend when all evidence suggests otherwise. But the angry, fundamentalist combine invective is the dominant voice in the combine community. A recent poll of combines showed that most felt mangling was justified under certain conditions. What are we to think?
To date, most of the attacks have taken place in the traditional combine enclaves of the Midwest. However, this most recent mangling occurred on the east coast–South Carolina to be exact. As the wave of violence spreads out across the land, we must ask ourselves: Where are all of the so-called moderate combines that we keep hearing so much about?
Chillingly, the combine that attacked in South Carolina this weekend was described by other farm machines as an upstanding piece of the harvest apparatus, well-liked by all and even good-humored. It wasn’t until after the attack, as the rogue combine was being disassembled, that police discovered the fundamentalist combine literature under the hay.
We’ve grown weary of the platitudes: Most combines don’t agree with these attacks; combines are under a great deal of stress at harvest time; they are only reacting to George Bush’s failed agricultural policies. As long as Mr. Cropper and his ilk continue to present weak excuses, it will be left to the rest of us to keep the pressure on our government to address this growing wave of combino-fascism.
Buckley F. Williams is the Senior Editor of "The Nose On Your Face" (www.TheNoseOnYourFace.com) which offers conservative, political satire. And fake news. And sometimes fake satire. At other times they provide satirical news. And fake political satire. Not to mention actual, real satire that is political in nature. And conservative. However, at no time do they offer Nutella. | More from Buckley F. Williams
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