How many damn times have I received a letter like this?
Dear Glenn:
I share joint custody of my daughter with my ex-wife. She was granted physical custody. A few weeks after the custody hearing, my ex-wife brought my daughter back to me and I’ve had physical custody ever since (almost 4 years).
Our divorce decree came a short time later and it stated that I should pay $700/month to her in support of my daughter. Since I had already gotten my daughter back I never paid her.
Recently I received a letter from the Department of Social Services stating that I am being sued for child support on behalf of my ex-wife. It seems she has been collecting welfare and my daughter is on her budget as a dependent.
The magistrate at the hearing refused to listen to the fact that my daughter lives with and has been living with me for the past 4 years. He entered an order for me to pay her $700 starting 1/1/08. Help!
He raises the kids, she commits de facto welfare fraud, and the government wants him to repay the money she filched. No mention of getting the money back from her or going after her for her welfare fraud. And of course, the judge won’t hear a word of it–he just wants dad to shut up and pay.
Granted, dad was foolish to fail to resolve the situation several years ago, but many of those inexperienced with the child support system are under the illusion that the system is rational. They don’t understand the nefarious financial incentives that underly it.
Some fathers even think that the system isn’t biased and stacked against men. They’re in for a rude awakening.
Now this guy has to pay stiff child support arrearages for a kid he’s raised largely by himself. When he’s unable to, he’ll be a “deadbeat dad” and will be lucky to stay out of jail. Refresh my memory–how exactly does this help his daughter?
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metalman said,
This poses a big problem for less educated men, who are apt to believe that the system is fair and who do not have access to expensive lawyers and advisers that are paid to look after their interests. This is exactly what the system relies on. Any man who has been through the system via lawsuits, contracts, etc, would know that the second this woman brought her daughter to his doorstep, lawyers should have been contacted and paperwork set in order.
I think that many of today’s men are suffering from what I call, “Regular Guy Syndrome.” The tell-tale signs of this syndrome are the following: 1) A belief that they system is fair and honest prior to experiencing the workings of the system. 2) Shock in discovering that the system is self-serving, irrational, and unfair. 3) Ignorance of the various laws and poilicies that subjugate them. 4) A belief that a basic morality and worldview is shared by both genders.
It is the Regular Guy who gets screwed because he thinks that his ex-wife will ‘Do the right thing” post-marriage. It is the smart guy who knows that his ex-wife will do the wrong thing post-marriage and does what he can to protect himself before this happens. It is the regular guy who relies solely on his lawyer to handle his divorce. It is the smart guy who knows that his lawyer’s primary concern is himself and his BMW, and treats the situation accordingly. It is the regular guy who thinks the police will take him seriously when he files a well-founded complaint of domestic violence against his abusive wife. It is the smart guy who brings his lawyer or a qualified witness to the poilce station with him so that the police do not pull any funny business.
The point is that the Regular Guy is screwed in today’s world. We need to become the Smart Guy. The only way this can be done en masse is for men who have been through the system to teach Regular Guys the real deal.
And yet, people never really listen, do they?
December 13, 2007 at 5:52 pm
roger said,
forums like this are the only beacons of light around. the truth is mostly available here. who are you going to believe? the government website that states that 95% of DV is man on woman? or the figures you find with the help of men here?
here is where the help begins.
December 13, 2007 at 7:03 pm
shatteredmen said,
December 13, 2007 at 11:45 pm
tonysprout said,
December 14, 2007 at 9:07 am
metalman said,
You make a good point. However, there are some very helpfull books, such as Warren Farell’s “The Myth of Male Power,” and Stephens Baskerville’s “Taken Into Custody.” Unfortunately, and I think this speaks to your issue, these books are not well known outside of our movement. (Gee, I wonder why?).
A literal handbook would be a good thing, though. For example, young, college-bound men must now be warned against having sex with a female student that has consummed ANY amount of alcohol, as the law now considers a woman who has consumed any amount of alcohol unable to make an informed decision about sex.
December 14, 2007 at 9:35 am
Ouderkirk said,
As it stands, and as a matter of law, the divorce decree states that the ex-wife has physical custody of the minor child. Until that wording has been modified to reflect the reality that HE is, in physical custody of the minor child then the support oder still stands and it looks like he’s on the hook for whatever….
Sorry pal, you have my sympathy, but it ends where your tardiness begins.
December 14, 2007 at 10:44 am
mruffolo said,
Because the government issues marriage licenses, a law ought to pass that creates awareness of the likelihood for divorce (about 60%) and what the consequences - mom most likely gets kids, money, property; dad pays and loses civil rights, among other things.
Further, the future husband and wife ought to be required to spend 2 to 4 hours in their county’s family court. A short quiz could also be important.
If the government spent as much money and advertising on drug and DUI and seat belt awareness as it does on divorce awareness, then America may have stronger families for our country’s future.
December 14, 2007 at 11:11 am
mcd106 said,
December 14, 2007 at 11:38 am
rastus said,
The risk, of course, is that the court will not recognize him as custodian, despite the fact that he has, and has had, physical custody of the child for years. That’s where witnesses and a good lawyer are important. And if the ex gets even a hint that she will be pursued for support, she will likely immediately seek to re-establish custodianship for herself. That’s why it’s important for him to get the custody order first, when the only opposition is likely to be the court’s greed for federal subsidies. There are limits on what a judge can get away with, even in family court, if the plaintiff is persistent enough.
December 14, 2007 at 12:14 pm