The Acorn
Periodically, I see an article about teen girls “surviving” after terminating their relationships with abusive boyfriends. A good example is one that appeared on 12.12.07 in the San Jose Mercury News. Not one word about why the girl entered the bad relationship, why she found her boyfriend’s abusive behavior attractive, and why she went back to him after breaking it off. No, the only message is: boys are controlling villains; girls are passive victims. And, that’s why teen girls learn nothing from such articles — namely, why they seek abuse in the first place.
Laying the blame for women’s ills at the doorstep of men is a familiar, counterproductive tool of feminism. Quite simply, a girl who is attracted to a controlling boyfriend is looking for something: control. She wants to be controlled. She is weak and insecure. The kind of boy attracted to her passivity and diffidence is also weak; that’s why he wants to control her. They are matching puzzle pieces. The need to control another person, or to be controlled by another person, is born from insecurity — the acorn that produces the oak of abuse.
Three strong factors contribute to a girl’s attitude about the role of men in her life: societal messages about males, her father’s power in the family, and her definition of self-worth. Interestingly, a girl who concludes, based on these three factors, that men are weak servants, will either repeat her mother’s domineering pattern of pairing up with a weak man or hunger for a controlling one — polar-opposite reactions, neither healthy, that we see all the time.
Empowerment
Society blasts girls with messages of misandry. One from a Sony TV commercial shows the father as a horse’s ass. Another from the Washington Post, in a comic strip, depicts the father as a buffoon. How about Littlewood’s, a British retailer, running a TV commercial that promises physical harm to any man who buys a woman the wrong Christmas gift? These messages of hatred affect how girls, in childhood and adolescence, perceive men and boys. If no forces exist at home or in school to counter such misandry, girls will accept it as reality. And, they do. They really do.
In a girl’s family, if her father is weak or noncustodial, or both, she will see her mother in total, albeit dysfunctional, control — giving her a distorted view of female power. It is common for that mother to badmouth the weak father — whether he is custodial or not. But, just because a girl views her father with contempt as a diminshed figure does not negate her need or desire for a strong man. It is natural for a girl to need a strong father. If her father is weak or not present, she will find his substitute somewhere. Alas, she doesn’t understand the real definition of strong. How could she? To her, controlling is strong.
In “If Women Were Happy,” I wrote that many girls are raised to believe that happiness is a goal, derived from externalities like clothing, jewelry, plastic surgery, money, and male attention. Parents who impart such disempowering messages to their daughters are ruining them. Happiness is not a goal; it’s a byproduct of personal achievement. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a woman exclaim: “I need you to buy me dinner, to hold doors for me, to treat me like a lady — because it makes me feel special and feminine.” How pathetic. If she doesn’t already feel special and feminine, there’s nothing I can do for her. A woman who has never treated a man to a night on the town, at her expense, at her insistence, doesn’t understand the meaning of giving, of empowerment. Insecure women, who define their femininity by how much they receive, are the ones most attracted to domineering men.
The NoNonsense Bottom Line
A girl is totally responsible for the boys she attracts and the boys with whom she becomes involved. We have seen that exposing a girl to society’s negative messages about men, a weak father, and the lie of self-actualization through male attention is akin to implanting in her the acorn of insecurity, which easily can grow into the oak of abuse. If a girl pairs up with a controlling boy, it’s because she wants to be controlled. It’s that simple.
On the other hand, teaching a girl to be a strong, independent, empowered, financially reciprocating admirer of boys and men will help her attract, and be attracted to, boys and men who are likewise strong, independent, empowered, financially reciprocating admirers of girls and women. Nobody can be strong and a victim simultaneously.
The typical “victimhood” articles never discuss the root cause of why teen girls seek abuse in the first place. These articles are doing girls a giant disservice by not teaching them to take personal responsibility for their choices. Teen girls seek — and find — abuse because they’re weak and insecure, not because boys are bad. So, to give speeches and write articles about bad male behavior is disingenuous and unhelpful. It’s time for girls, parents, and the media to get it right.
About the Author
Marc H. Rudov is an internationally recognized radio/TV personality and author of 70+ articles and the books Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables™ (ISBN 9780974501727), and The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth™ (ISBN 0974501719). Mr. Rudov is a regular guest on Fox News Channel’s Your World with Neil Cavuto.
Rudov’s books, articles, blog, and podcasts are available at TheNoNonsenseMan.com.
Copyright © 2007 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.
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college activist said,
you’re saying it!!! because it needs to be said.
As our society castrates more and more males…girls are reacting with more and more desperate behavoir..
binge drinking, and drugs at parties
shorter, and shorter skirts with no panties desperatelly seeking someone to look at them.
stripper poles in our workout gyms!!
December 19, 2007 at 4:15 pm
JamesH said,
Soo True.
I would also add that by taking path of looking for a controller means never having to take responsibility for the consequences of one’s own behaviour and actions.
I remember listening to a radio program where girls talked about sex and they said things like
“I gave him what he wanted.”
“I let him have what he wanted.”
So in reality they never took responsibility for their own behaviour.
Behind this is how a person responsed physiologically to certain situations. Apparently fear can trigger some strong physiological responses, which are below the level of the consciousness.
December 19, 2007 at 4:17 pm
jackal1994 said,
“If women stopped rewarding ‘bad boys’ with easy access to sex (often much greater access than respectful hardworking men) then there would be no more bad boys.”
December 19, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Marc H. Rudov said,
This article has nothing to do with sex — it is about abuse. Sexual intercourse is not abuse.
There’s a big difference between a “bad boy” and an abusive boy. Girls like bad boys because they are fun and exciting. There always will be bad boys, and thank G-d for that.
Prudes are consistently uncomfortable with female sexuality. That’s too bad.
December 19, 2007 at 8:01 pm
lieweary said,
December 19, 2007 at 8:11 pm
amfortas said,
Bugger me. After such a clear, concise, plain speaking and well structured arguement (well done, Sir), you have to follow up with a confusing mixed message! As Dr Pill says “What were you THINKING?!”
December 19, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Marc H. Rudov said,
No confusing, mixed message. Only confused, mixed-up readers.
In Under the Clitoral Hood, I devote a section to why girls like bad boys. I consider myself a bad boy.
Some of you guys bristle at the notion that women like to have sex. You think it makes them “dirty.” Sex has nothing to do with abuse, which is the subject of my article.
December 19, 2007 at 8:54 pm
NotNOW said,
Plain truth, clearly spoken.
And the ultimate paradox for feminists. Confronting women with a choice reveals a lot about their character: Victim or empowered? Equal or princess?
December 19, 2007 at 10:11 pm
KateM said,
Note: Religion, (’God has a plan for me and I have no say’, yea right… the best gift God gave us is the FREEDOM TO CHOOSE our lives), is disempowering if used to support a “victim” mentality.
“On the other hand, teaching a girl to be a strong, independent, empowered, financially reciprocating admirer of boys and men will help her attract, and be attracted to, boys and men who are likewise strong, independent, empowered, financially reciprocating admirers of girls and women. Nobody can be strong and a victim simultaneously.” MHR
Thank you, Marc.
December 20, 2007 at 12:46 am
David R. Usher said,
Here is a EXCELLENT self-help tool that men (or men brought up in domineering feminist societies) can use to change the shape of their own emotional gears so they become attracted to healthy women.
Rearing in feminist culture has twisted men badly. Few men know the difference between being strong and being abusive. Few men know the difference between love and infatuation. Few men know that love should be a decision first, after which emotions take place rationally. Few men know when to trust. Many men have erected a wall of defense mechanisms so powerful that they cannot have a loving relationship at all. Others adopt a careless attitude that always ends up in a paternity suit.
When one does not have a foundational framework for choosing a healthy woman and building a healthy relationship with her, men will end up picking the sicko every time and being led around by the male appendage.
Men do mesh with women who match our own emotional gears.
There are women who are not feminist sickos out there. You will not be attracted to them until you change the shape of your own emotional gears. This short 16-page pamphlet is the most powerful self-help tool ever printed. It is out of print now, so get it while you can. It is part of Brenda Schaeffer’s “Healthly Relationships” series of 4 little pamphlets. These pamphlets are the real deal boot camp manuals any guy can use to walk away from the feminist indoctrination burned into his brain so he change his entire outlook and expectations about women. They are right on the money, short and sweet with no psychobabble or feminist insanity in them.
If this series does not help you out, I guarantee that your misery will be gladly refunded. The most powerful one is “Powerplays”:
“Powerplays”, Brenda Schaeffer, 1986; ISBN 0894863738
http://www.bestwebbuys.com/Power_Plays-ISBN_9780894863738.html?isrc=b-search
There are three other pamphlets that are part of Shaeffer’s “Healthy Relationships” series. You can find them via Google: “Signs Of Addictive Love”, “Signs Of Healthy Love”, and “Love Addiction, Help Yourself Out”.
Brenda should get these reprinted: they are the best self-help pamphlets ever published.
December 25, 2007 at 10:47 am
David R. Usher said,
December 25, 2007 at 10:50 am