This is an interesting letter to the editor on the dicey subject of disciplining children who are caught between conflicting divorced or separated parents. First the story, then a few comments.
Mom feels courts need to support parental discipline
(Palladium-Item, 12/28/07)
I’m the mother of a 15-year-old boy, a great kid who’s active in school.
I’ve been a single mother trying to raise him the best I can. I’ve struggled at times but never found help from his father. I’ve had to lean on my mother and stepfather to help with after-school care and running him places while I worked.
It’s a constant battle any time I try to discipline him. Recently he was grounded for the weekend. His grandparents felt he shouldn’t have been grounded. This caused a fight. The next thing I know, I’m in a custody battle over a simple grounding punishment. I agreed to give his father temporary custody because I feel he needs to experience what it would be like to live there. But if the court allows him to be there permanently, there will no longer be any discipline in his life. How will anyone be able to discipline him when the courts have shown him that any time he doesn’t get his way, he can just run away from his problems?
I know the court considers a child’s preference of where they want to live when they reach a certain age, but why can’t they see the whole picture and realize this isn’t in the best interest of my son? What will happen to him without rules, discipline and responsibilities? Is our legal system failing our children by giving them their way? Why take a child from a parent who has provided for them, loved them and given them a good life just because they don’t want to be grounded?
I’m afraid my son will be ruined and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t have money to hire an attorney. I just have to put my faith in our court system.
A.S. Moody,
Richmond
A few thoughts:
1) I’m a little suspicious of mom’s claims that she “never found help from his father”–for better or worse, the father does seem to be a part of the kid’s life.
2) I think the problem the mother points to is very real. Often parents are afraid to properly discipline or set limits for their teenagers because they’re afraid that if they do so, the child will want to go live with the other parent, who may be enticing them with a sweeter deal. My intuitive sense is that this is a greater problem for fathers than for mothers, since fathers generally are more focused on and effective at providing limits and discipline for their kids. However, I can certainly see it happening both ways.
3) In general I’m dubious about family courts allowing children age 12 or older to decide which parent they want to live with. Some children that age have the maturity to make a good decision, some don’t. Also, kids can be easily manipulated and bribed, not to mention alienated or poisoned by one parent or another.
4) In this case it seems as if the only choices are to live with mom or live with dad. The boy would probably be better off spending significant time with both parents, not one or the other. And perhaps if each parent felt assured that their role in their child’s life was protected, they’d be less likely to be competing for the child’s short term loyalty and more likely to coordinate discipline and back each other up. Perhaps.
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