Ed: TNOYF has obtained an advance copy of a memo that will be circulated January 2 at the offices of The New York Times announcing the hiring of conservative Bill Kristol as an opinion columnist.
To: All Employees
From: Art Sulzberger, Publisher
Date: January 2, 2008
Re: New Staff MemberBill Kristol
Welcome back. I hope everyone had a wonderfully secular winter solstice.
Many of you no doubt have heard the news that, in the grand tradition of diversity that is a hallmark of this great newspaper, conservative Bill Kristol will soon join us as an opinion columnist. Im personally quite pleased to finally add the elusive neo-conservative species to the New York Times employee mosaic. Further, I am confident that Mr. Kristol will look absolutely fabulous sitting in between the transgendered Mongolian-American proofreader, Genghis John, and Darnae, our formaldehyde-entombed, late-term abortion mascot.
However, judging from some of the emails I received over the break, as well as Frank Richs unfortunate decision to set himself on fire, its clear this move has had an unsettling effect on many. So, in an effort to alleviate any anxiety, and to maintain the type of working environment necessary to publish Americas newspaper, we will be introducing a Neo-Con Sensitivity Training Program (NCSTP). This program will help us all understand the true nature of Mr. Kristols condition and give us some pointers on what we can expect when interacting with a real conservative.
However, since many of you wont be able to take the seminar for a few weeks, Ill use this opportunity to lay out a few key points that may help you get comfortable with Mr. Kristol (Im sure many of you are aware of what happened at CNN when they got their first neo-con, so Id like to avoid a repeat here).
- Like you and I, Bill Kristol puts his pants on one leg at a timehes just thinking about dead Iraqi babies, single malt Scotch, and his Haliburton dividends checks while hes doing it. My point is that we should try to view him as just another staff member, and try to find common ground and mutual respect. Also, as a general rule, try to avoid startling him and limit direct eye contact to less than two seconds.
- Mr. Kristol is a neo-con, as in neo-conservative. Your NCSTP training will offer a more in-depth explanation of the difference between a standard-grade conservative and neo-con, but for now, imagine the difference between a really bad case of the flu and full-blown AIDS. Also, it will be important to not confuse neo-con with neo-com, or neo-communist, the employee group that meets every Tuesday and Thursday at 4:30 in the Stalin room.
- Due to the unenlightened nature prevalent in those with his ideological underpinnings, Mr. Kristol may often actually say what he means (this style of speaking was common years ago, before countless victims had the courage to come forward and seek redress for blatantly direct talk). Until we are able to better train Mr. Kristol, staffers should be prepared for this unorthodox style of communication. For example, where we might say, Im pleased weve both shared our feelings and I look forward to trying to come up with a better solution, Mr. Kristol might say, The fact that I wont get back the ten minutes I just spent listening to you makes me want to drive a pencil into your eye.
- Ive confirmed with some colleagues that Mr. Kristol urinates standing up. While this will take some getting used to, make every effort not to stare.
- Its quite possible that Mr. Kristol will have an American flag in his office. Do not be alarmed if it is not on fire; he apparently prefers it this way. (Note: This will in no way impact the standard NYT practice of hanging white flags in your office.)
Look for further communication from your Human Resources representative, and please join me in welcoming Mr. Kristol to the New York Times family!
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