A Sad Milestone
We live on a one acre lot, part of which used to be used for horses, so when my nine-year-old daughter is playing outside and I want to check on her, it can be a little time-consuming. For years and years we’ve had a shouted, long-distance dialogue that always goes exactly like this:
Me: Sweetheart?
My daughter: Yes?
Me: Love you.
My daughter: Love you
For the past few weeks, however, the last line of that four line exchange has been missing. Sometimes I spend an extra few moments waiting for it. Now I’ve started to give up and not wait. Instead I walk away telling myself, “Come on, you knew she had to outgrow that, you knew it, you knew it…”
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January 4th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I wouldn’t consider that a milestone or the end of a stage. I would consider that a problem that needs some work. It may be some inner resentment by the daughter and it may be the media onslaught of man-hate, but I wouldn’t consider the problem one that can’t be fixed.
My son is grown and we still have a long, healthy hug when we meet and before we part again. And he’s always the first to tell me he loves me. Ditto for the end of every email and phone call between us.
My message to this father is, “It’s fixable!”. And it SHOULD be fixed. Your close (as possible) connection to your daughter is very, very important to the both of you.
Best of luck!
January 4th, 2008 at 11:10 am
P.S. I strongly suggest that you sit down with your daughter and if there isn’t a resentment problem that’s festering, to lovingly teach your daughter the importance of both a father and daughter showing their love and affection for each other and the ways that’s done.
Best of luck!
January 4th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I think all daughters go through that phase, Glenn. I can’t speak for boys, since I haven’t had any, but both of my daughters were suddenly that way, from age 3 to age 5, and then they grew out of it. I have no idea why they did that. The oldest child’s mom was a heavy alienator, but my younger child’s mom (my “couldn’t have picked a better ex-wife”) has always been supportive.
So maybe it’s a phase that all kids go through?
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January 4th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Hello Glenn,
The first question I’d ask you is: What reason did she give when you asked her? She’s 9 and I presume able to communicate in complete sentences.
As other comments indicate, she may be going through a normal phase (just because someone is “normal” though doesn’t mean it’s good. Divorce is now “normal”) and wants to be “cool”. “Coolness” is a paradoxical concept where someone wants to come across as powerful and indifferent to the crowd by putting on slavish displays of conformity.
Also, it’s possible that she is now developing a stronger bond to the phrase “love” and doesn’t want to use it so often.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
My 17 year old girl, 14 year old boy, 11 yr old boy, all say I LOVE YOU DAD. I make a point every night to visit every bedroom. I am on my knees beside the 11 yr olds bed praying with him….did the others too but at a certain time I felt they had their own prayer concerns and me being there would hinder.
But, we say we love each other every chance we get.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Hi Conservativation,
My hat’s off to you. Learned late in life that a close, loving relationship between a dad and his kids is so important. I wish I had known this when I was younger and my son was growing. I spent a lot of time away from home that I wish I hadn’t. It’s not often, but every once in a long while he’ll mention something I taught him many, many years ago and refer back to it. Sometimes it’s so far back I hardly remember it. But he does. I am amazed by it.
What we teach them that they don’t know or wouldn’t normally get from others really sticks with them. He even once gave advice to a friend with kids based on the way I disciplined him when he was young.
It’s a shame that so much of parenthood has to be accomplished before we really have a chance to become smarter. My son made some really bad, life-changing decisions when he was younger that I totally blame on myself and feel guilty about now for not being there to monitor him more closely and teach him things that I didn’t before the situations arose that should be taught to a son by his dad.