Ask Dr. Helen: The 47-Year-Old Virgin
Middle-aged virgins are not necessarily the stuff of comedy. Choosing to wait is just fine, writes Dr. Helen Smith — unless past sexual abuse or a debilitating lack of confidence is making the choice for you.
by Helen Smith
A reader is concerned about being a middle-aged virgin:
Dr. Helen,
I am a middle-aged virgin. I’m a 47-year-old heterosexual male and I’ve never had sex with a woman.
I saw that movie, The 40-Year-Old Virgin and it hit way too close to home. (Also Steve Carell looks a lot like me in that movie, which bothers me.)
I think that there must be a lot of middle-aged virgins out there, but most people are too ashamed to admit that.
Back when I was fifteen years old I was violently, sexually assaulted by an older teenager at high school. I never told anyone about it, but that experience has made me afraid of intimate contact with anyone.
My co-worker listens to Tom Leykis on the radio and he would describe me as a man who has “got no game” but I don’t want to be the kind of man who would trick women into having sex with him. I can’t believe that I’m alone in not being able to “hook up” with the opposite sex. What do you think? Are there a great number of people in the United States that have not been able to have sexual relationships yet, or am I just a statistical irregularity?
Thank you for your time. I have always respected your opinions.
Dear Reader:
I think that rather than focus on whether or not you are a statistical anomaly, it would make more sense to focus on why you have not yet had a sexual relationship. There are a number of reasons men are virgins after the age of 40; they feel comfortable this way and have no desire for sex (asexuality); their faith prohibits premarital sex; they want sex but don’t know how to approach a woman and feel unable to “compete,” (in other words, “got no game”); and finally, prior sexual abuse that may have interfered developmentally with their desire and/or their confidence in attracting women.
Some men are asexual, I have met some that don’t care about sex and deny being interested. There are even studies that put asexuality at about 1% of the general population. Some men are religious and feel that it is wrong for them to have premarital sex. They have never been married and stay true to their religious faith. These two reasons are perfectly legitimate and if they apply to you, you may want to learn how to accept both as reasonable alternatives.
However, I have a feeling that the latter two reasons I mentioned, a lack of confidence in approaching women and the history of violent abuse that you mentioned may be at the core of why you have not had sex by now. If it is lack of confidence, know that you are not alone; other guys like Brian on a thread regarding middle-aged male virgins had this to say:
FYI, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 34…..The reasons were clear. Being 5`5 and overweight, I wasn’t that good looking. There are times that I was just completely shut out of the dating scene entirely. People have asked me how could I go for so long? My answer, how could you want something that you have never experienced. I didnt know what sex was until I had it myself. I will have to admit though, I was pretty horny because I was J*rking off twice a day.I don’t think there as many female virgins(if any) because there is more pressure on men to perform. It`s simple as that..
Perhaps your lack of confidence is a result of being terrified to engage in sex with anyone. A violent sexual encounter in your formative years can shape how you view sexuality as an adult. Unfortunately, you may now tie sexuality with violence, shame and unhappiness. Since you have not had any other sexual experience to prove otherwise, this negative pairing may be forefront in your mind when you think of trying to approach someone of the opposite sex.
This terror may keep you from entering into a relationship that might lead to possible sexual relations. My suggestion at this point is to seek therapy with a licensed therapist or certified sex therapist who is knowledgeable about sexual abuse and sexuality. You mentioned that you have never told anyone about the sexual abuse you mentioned; discussing the abuse and its impact on your future sexuality in confidence with a professional might start you on the road to the relationship you are looking for or help you to realize that you are where you need to be. Good luck and keep me informed.
Any male readers out there who started to have sex at a later age than is typical — after your early twenties — why did you wait, and do you have any advice for our “40-year-old virgin”? If so, drop it in the comments below.
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If you have a question you would like answered, please leave it below or email me at askdrhelen@hotmail.com. Your questions may be edited for length and clarity. Please note that your first name only or no name at all will be used to identify your question—if you want me to use your name, tell me, otherwise you will be referred to by your first name or as “a reader” etc.
Helen Smith is a psychologist specializing in forensic issues in Knoxville, Tennessee and blogs at drhelen.blogspot.com . This advice column is for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not purport to replace therapy or psychological treatment.
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Stumble It!
January 23rd, 2008 at 5:58 am
Sound advice there Dr H. He certainly thinks that the sexual assault was behind his difficultiies and whether it is or not, it needs to be looked at. He could be using that as a shield. I doubt though that a female therapist would have the face-to-face empathy to resolve the issue one way or another, despite your good attempt at remote reading. It is a long reach for a woman to make. A chap would be more likely to understand him.
A good friend would likely help. A mate. Has he some chap he could talk to, rather than a therapist, I wonder. A better option than a ‘licensed sex therapist’ may well be found in a friendly ‘Madam’ in a brothel who could could accommodate him with one of her more understanding, nice hookers. (One with a ‘heart of gold’.there might be one or two left) It would certainly be cheaper. Not only more ‘hands on’ but someone elses for a change. Actions speak louder than words.
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’m with amfortas, go get yourself a hooker. You say you’re to afraid to “trick” a girl into having sex with you, of which i say “whatever”, so just pay her a couple hundred bucks, and get er done!!
Overly zealous moral prudes get a grip on yourself, as I’m quite moral myself..But this man is 47 and needs to do it!!
January 28th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
“Get a hooker”?! You’re not actually serious, are you? Whether or not they choose to have sex, people need more of a human connection than “leave your fifty on the dresser and call the next person in line in.”
Thank you, Dr. Helen, for not taking the same condescending, “you need to see a doctor” tone that so many do when discussing asexuals.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I think the asexuals are among the lawmakers who passed IMBRA. In fact, I still cannot understand how an active heterosexual could hold himself back from walking into a federal courtroom to challenge IMBRA himself if he had the time and geographic opportunity to do it.
I seriously wonder if this 47 year old male virgin is a Democrat who might vote for Hillary Clinton…I wonder what his position is on victim feminism and the NOW…or maybe the men who support all this are masochists in their sex lives, who maybe get off on being with Hillary types as opposed to being asexual.
There might be no causal connection between this asexuality affliction and politics…but I cannot help but assume that the men who support radical feminists…must also have no interest in sex.
It is a serious question anyway. I do not mean to demean the afflicted.
February 2nd, 2008 at 8:31 am
I can understand his predicament. For a long time I was chronically shy and inhibited, and never had sex until well into my 20s. I felt quite embarrassed at the thought of initiating sexual encounters as well as going through with it. I guess I was brought up believing that sex is something that only men like or need, and that most women don’t really want sex. Rather, it is something women will only do in return for other benefits. So I suppose I’ve always thought of it as an imposition.
The other thing is that because there has been so much hype about sexual harassment and abuse, and because male sexuality has been so stigmatized as inherently abusive and demeaning, I tend to assume that women will react badly to the thought that you might want to shag them.
The obvious solution here is to hire a hooker. There should be no shame in purchasing something that you are unable to get through ordinary interactions. It is better to pay for sex than to bullshit a woman into sleeping with you by pretending that you are interested in a relationship or that you have fallen for her incredible personality. I have never been that good a bullshitartist, so I have found the hooker option better. If you are not someone who knows how to manipulate others for your own benefit, it is mighty difficult to engineer sexual encounters.
Simply save your money, and treat yourself to a quality hooker now and then. Then once you’ve got that monkey off your back, you can get on with other things in life.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I’m a 53 yr. old male virgin. I’m Catholic so that colored my sex choices more than anything. Even masturbation is considered a sin today by the Church! How I ended in this sorry state is a combination of factors:
I never had money to date until in my 30s, my first date was at 35, and I’ve only five in all. NONE of them was really any fun, they were mostly nice losers. After 30 your dating choices will be limited, and the longer you wait the worse it gets. I relied on porno and masturbation to satisfy my needs, but after 48, my hormones just shut down. Also I’ve had ulcerative colitis since age 20, and that is a terrible disease. I feared marriage and having kids because I didn’t want to pass it on to them. All of my life most women have been cruel, nasty, hostile, and rude to me with VERY FEW exceptions. I’ve never understand what it is about me that draws such hatred. I live as a sexual hermit, and I expect it to end that way. My only advice is get help if you can, the dating world isn’t fair, and good luck. Some of us just aren’t going to get asked to the party. Sorry–that’s life. Parents need to help their kids during those teen years to at least get them out their to meet people of the opposite sex any way they can. My parents just didn’t care about this, and I got lost in the shuffle. I never learned how to date, and first dates in your 30s were a total disaste for me. I finally quit trying 8 yrs. ago. It wasn’t worth the agony and rejection to keep going. Dating women with kids, divorcees etc. is a total nightmare. Sorry but that is the truth. The older you are the less available most people are.
March 7th, 2009 at 10:55 am
A final word–sex for lots of people is not as fulfilling or great as the media has led us to believe. Once your hormones taper off, as mine have, you’ll find maybe you’ll still be okay. Lots of people are stuck in terrible marriages, have little sex, and try to fool everyone else that life is great in the bedroom. I’ve handled divorces and custody paperwork as a paralegal for 20 yrs. Most folks have no clue as to how to handle sex in a responsible and meaningful way. Too many marriages are just a front for both parties. Sorry if I sound bitter, but I was told for years I just haven’t met the right person yet, or there is somebody out there for me etc. Guess what–that’s crap!! Don’t buy it guys! This society is very ANTI-MALE, and we have almost evolved to the point where men are NO longer necessary in American life. It’s a huge tragedy, and lots of kids lives are being ruined by this feminist agenda. Sorry, but I see the social damage every day brought on by this ideology.
Good luck dating, start early, look hard, and if you don’t land anyone, you’re still okay, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I am a 50 year old male virgin.
Basically (for heterosexuals):
1)Attractive men are having sex with attractive women.
2)Attractive men are having sex with unattractive women.
3)Unattractive men are not having sex.
Attractiveness = good looks and/or money.
Like the singer Beck said:”I am a loser,why don’t you kill me?”