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‘My ex husband hit me…he claims PAS and denies the abuse…I wish this site would not be so anti-female and anti-biological mom’

2008-01-31
By

Sandra, a female reader, recently sent me the following letter in response to my blog post Divorced Dad Faces Jail for ‘Crime’ of Visiting His Little Daughter’s Kindergarten:

Abused children never seem to get taken from abusive parents enough of the time… but family law courts allow fathers to never see their children again based on an accusation? It is hard to believe. I am not saying it did not or does not happen, but I think the courts go to joint custody without looking at the whole picture. It is hard to get sole custody. It is hard to lose visitation. There is more to the story.

I had a truly abusive ex. I never got a Protection Order because I did not want to be accused of using that in divorce or custody. I most likely should have done so, but he is far away now–not by my hand.

My ex husband hit me, was verbally abusive for years and I still tried to make things work, I tried, after we separated, to foster a relationship between my ex and my children. It did not work. He claims PAS and denies the abuse which my kids saw. We have joint custody but it is just paper. He barely sees them by his choice and due to his relocation some three thousands miles away–and guess what? It is all my fault according to him. You cannot parent if you never choose to do so, if you give up all the responsibility to your ex, you have to face that you gave up on parenting. Child support does not equal true parenting…

I wish this site would not be so anti-female and anti-biological mom. I wish the children would come first in all of this. I am sorry for any good Dads who miss out on their children’s lives. There are some bad ones. I was married to one of those. He blamed everyone and everything but himself. If you give up, you’re giving up on your children. If you’re good, honest, and loving they will know that–send cards, letters, do not give up. My girls suffer so much from feeling abandoned or not important to their Dad. Forget your ex–love your kids, and fight.

Families Against Confiscatory Child Support (FACCS)
FACCS is the national voice for fair and reasonable child support. FACCS believes all parents have an obligation to support their children financially.  However, in high income cases, state and federal laws often result in excessive awards that are effectively alimony in disguise and have little to do with supporting children. Huge child support awards lead to protracted custody disputes, undermines co-parenting, and leaves children worse off financially.www.faccsonline.org / contact@faccsonline.org
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  • sick of it

    ok so after readying this womans story, I could relate a lot. Then just to be fair I wanted to read all the comments and nearly fell out of my chair! What a one sided attack against this woman! I know for a fact that men get abused, I know they get denied access to their children unfairly. I hate domestic violence in anyform against men and women alike. I think children get the short end of the stick in most divorces because a lot of parents are so focused on revenge. I was abused by my ex-husband. He did not beat me regularly. He pushed me down on the ground several times over the years hard enough for me to get rug burns on my face and black eyes from hitting the ground. He choked me twice. It didnt seem like much as I viewed them as individual circumstances until after many years of verbal abuse and more instances I had to get a protection order and file for divorce. My ex-husband has many mental issues and a problem with alcohol. I did not report any of the previous physical abuse and I did try to work through what I viewed as our problems. Our children witnessed most of the abuse. In the interest of protecting his parental rights the court completly ignored all of the things our children were exposed to and gave him unsupervised visitation. During those visits he drank heavily and threatened our daughter that if she didnt get him a beer she would spank her. She earned money from him by picking up all his beer cans and cleaning up his trailer. During those visits he left our children alone in an rv park at night to go get a friend of his who had gotten a flat tire. That is what tow trucks are for. During those visits our children were constantly told negative things about me. They were afraid to tell me they loved me on the phone when he was in ear shot because of the negative ramifications from him. It is very challenging to take the high ground all the time but I remind the kids that he is their father and they absolutely can love him. It is a shame that the courts do not take the time to look at each case individually to really look at the best interests of the children and that many ex spouses have such a hard time putting away their personal feelings for each other to do what is in the best interest of their children. There are mothers out there who should be ashamed of themselves for their behaviors too, that abuse the system. They make it hard for those of us who really do face real challenges and would love nothing more than their ex-husbands to be a posotive influence in thier childrens lives. I recognize that my children yes I said my children would benefit from having their father in their life if…big if…he could get past himself and do what is right by our kids. He could hate me so much that i would melt on the spot if i looked at him as long as he didnt attempt to inject that poision in our children. I am no longer a victim, I am an ex-wife, I am a parent. I want the best possible outcome for the kids. I wish people would just stop bashing each other, women bashing men, men bashing women about thier views long enough to put the kids first and recognize that true abuses happen and they happen to women and to men.

  • http://www.geocities.com/rogerfgay/ Roger F. Gay

    Well come on. It’s an old ploy. Feminazis hate everyone and aggressive behavior is the common trait. They’ve been out to destroy civilization for quite some time. They generalize to “women” (as in all women everywhere) to provide themselves with cover and in the hope of getting support from the larger group. It’s simple misdirection. Responding to a specific group of extremists by honestly exposing them isn’t an attack on the whole of a more general class they happen to belong to and normal women should not provide them with support. Over-generalization is an age old propaganda technique. Recognize it for what it is and move on.

  • tonysprout

    To say Glenn’s site is anti-female is the crux here. Glenn is not anti female or anti mother. Some posters may be. To label the entire site as such is akin to calling Wal Mart a jewelry store. As Amfortas said, it’s not about her or the dispossesed. It’s about a man hating, father hating system sponsored by a gov’t that forces men to pay taxes that goes to destroy men’s lives.

  • amfortas

    belista 12, I agree. We only have what Glenn has posted. It is enough for some comment but well short of enough for personal condemnation.

    This site – MND, Glenn’s – is far from anti-women. Far. It criticises and illustrates hypocrisy, usually but not soley feminist inspired. It allows discourse. This lady clearly sees that she will be heard and may be dismayed that she is criticised unfairly.

    Let’s assume that all she says is true. We have no other story. It illustrates that there are women who suffer at the hands of unfeeling husbands. “Twas ever thus. But as is pointed out above, it is a lot rarer than the husband being abused by lying wives who poison their children’s minds against their father. This is an epidemic, not a rarity.

    The feminists – some men included, Sandra – have twisted our legal and justice systems to such a degree that Truth is not allowed to be expressed and false accusation is encouraged and rewarded. It generates cynicism. It is bound to hit the occasional woman in the place where her gonads would be were she a man, as that is where the law’s kick is aimed. It may hurt, Sandra, but rest assured that you are fortunate that you don’t have the testicles, because the assault on you hurts men far more.

    The system of family court was not designed to help women. It was designed to punish and dispossess men. To neuter men’s place in society at its most fundemental. That the occasional woman is hurt does not matter a jot to them. Frankly, it does not matter much to me either – I regret to say. But I dare say you, Sandra, will have little regret for the hundreds of thousands of fathers lied about and dispossessed every year in the western world.

    The difference between writers and commentators here, Sandra, and you, is that most of us here look outward at society, at the damage that is being wrought and where that damage is coming from, rather than focusing on our own tale. And, Sandra, we have tales to tell too.

  • belista12

    wait a second, sooo….. if you guys dont know the whole story of what went on in her life… then why is everyone right now attacking her? maybe her husband did abuse her, maybe not. maybe she abused him, maybe not. You guys are generalizing this women as some kind of criminal because of a story that she has sent to us, but if we dontt know for sure the whole story, why are you calling her a liar. Lets be fair to this woman.

  • SM777

    Quite honestly, it’s the husband’s fault completely and totally.

    Do you know why?

    Because he married her.

  • dysturbd

    yeah, ok…we know, no woman ever contributes to the situation she finds herself in. You, along with every other women are all just a bunch of level headed, logical thinking, innocent little wall flowers, innocently and viciously attacked by a big bad man. A big bad man with whom you married, had children, and began to build a life with until HE mysteriously turned evil.

    Excuse me while I go throw up, your refusal to take any culpability and responsibility make me sick. So f@*&ing typical.

    If your so concerned about your kids, pack up and move closer to their dad. Oh, that’s right why should you it’s HIS fault. God forbid you should be a parent and put aside your issues for the sake of your kids.

    Oh there’s more to the story. Yeah, there always is…and none of it is your fault. Blah, blah, blah, whimper, whimper, whine, whine, cry, cry. Somone help me, it’s not my fault. I’m a victim. Big Government where are you?

  • PolishKnight

    Who says they “have to” listen?

    I avoid the feminist web sites because I know they’ll just censure us anyway. If this woman wanders into our cootie club, and has her feelings hurt, she really has only her own conscience to blame. Boo hoo! It’s unfair that someone, somewhere might say something bad and even worse TRUE about her!

  • BobH

    So this site is anti-female, so what? That woman wants to enjoy the benefits of living in a feminazi police state, without having to pay the costs, in this case listening to men complain about persecution heaped on them by American women, via male elected officials. Instead we’re just supposed to sit quietly and validate the feelings of the manipulative hypocritical bitches.

    Sorry honey, feminazis have been saying for 40 years that men and women are in a “gender war”. Well, welcome to the gender war. I hope you enjoy the next 40 years.

  • PolishKnight

    It is better to remove a hundred good men than let one bad one go free

    It reminds me of the feminists who say they support alimony because of concern that traditional women who were married before women’s equality wouldn’t have anything to fall back on.

    As Danny DeVito’s character in “Other People’s Money” put it: WHO CARES?

    These same feminists didn’t have ANY room in their heart for the young, blue collar men who couldn’t compete with middle class women flooding the workplace. They didn’t care about the older men (or for that matter, even their dependent wives and children) who got laid off to make room for affirmative action hires. Their heart only bled when it was DIVORCED women who might lose traditional entitlements.

    That’s why I don’t buy this woman’s hard-luck story at all. Such women who buy into feminist tripe had planned to blame the man all along. They know how to manipulate men and precisely how to see when the townspeople come by the cry wolf. But an experienced observer can spot their “tells” just as a father knows how his 5 year old daughter lies about eating the cookies.

  • Artfldgr

    The issue is really the conversion of the american old liberal idea that:

    Its better to let bad men go free, rather than deny the rights of one just man

    To the new communist ideal that”

    It is better to remove a hundred good men than let one bad one go free

    if one is smart enough they can see that in this way, a few bad men, can be used to remove all the good men. and if they fail to catch the bad one, they will go through ALL the good ones to find him, even if he doesnt exist!

  • PolishKnight

    The so-called exception proves the rule!

    IF it happened as she claims, why is he not in jail?

    Ooh ooh! I have the answer!

    It’s clear that he “hit” her just ONCE, otherwise, she would have said he _beat_ her on a regular basis. That’s why she followed up with the claim of “verbal abuse” which can mean just about anything. It sounds like she tried to drag some PETTY ugly event from the past out to bash him in family court and it didn’t work…

    Nice try honey!

    He probably slapped her after she had “verbally abused” him and maybe even deliberately provoked him precisely so she could classify him as a physical abuser. He maybe took the bait, realized what happened, and wised up. She claims to have tried to make things work, but if she’s holding a grudge about a slap that far into the future, what could he do?

    There’s so much about her story that doesn’t pan out. He was a horrible man who “hit” her and was VERBALLY “abusive”. EEEK! What a MONSTER! Yet, now she complains that he’s a jerk for walking away? Wouldn’t someone who had dealt with a TRULY abusive person be glad they hit the road? Translation: She knows she exaggerated and mischaracterized him as a power play and he walked off. Her passive-aggressive game backfired on her and continues to backfire and she can’t figure out why.

    And don’t you know, it’s not her fault because she’s a (drum roll Anton) VICTIM! After she gets done blaming him for everything, she turns around and says that he blamed everything on others when it was all his fault. That’s projection. After all, the ONLY person we see here blaming something on someone else and not themselves is _HER_.

    The real victims here appear to be her daughters who miss their father despite all the BS she’s tried to spoonfeed them. So now she’s alone and she’s stuck with children who view her as the jerk. Welcome to the hell on earth you created.

    Don’t expect any pity from us.

  • GreatMRNI

    ‘Female think’ is an affliction for which there is no cure and seems to be infectious. Smaller brains (on average to males) infused with estrogen, breeds attitudes of privilege, victimization, and ill-logical thought processes. ‘Female group think’ can be as destructive as a nuclear bomb, just not so abruptly.

  • conservativation

    I used to be cautious about making generalizations regarding female communication. Then I spent months debating women at a Christian marriage and divorce forum. Now I do not fear the generalizations.

    The response this reader made and her reason fer making it is CLASSIC flawed female think.

    It boiled down to “I have a different story THEREFORE the entire statistical analysis that shows overwhelmingly one thing is proven false by MY ANECDOTE”

    This is maddening and no matter how many times I sarcastically type “I know a guy that smoked 4 packs a day and lived to a hundred THEREFORE smoking is a healthy activity” most of the women cannot stop bringing their personal situation in as the show stopper.

    IT IS MADDENING.

  • http://www.false-accusers.com TheManOnTheStreet

    I am NOT saying that she is BS’n us, but;

    “My ex husband hit me, was verbally abusive for years and I still tried to make things work, I tried, after we separated, to foster a relationship between my ex and my children. It did not work. He claims PAS and denies the abuse which my kids saw. ”

    This tells me three things…. One, there is more to this story. And secondly, with all the “MY” children.. statements, PAS seems viable…

    Lastly, the ever favorite “abuse” card. IF it happened as she claims, why is he not in jail? IF it was witnessed my the children, why is he not in jail instead of the other side of the country? Why is she not collecting “her due for the children”? Again, more to this story. Much, much more.

    TMOTS

  • http://www.geocities.com/rogerfgay/ Roger F. Gay

    Abuse of restraining orders and false accusations have been pretty well documented for a long time. The problem of false accusations related to domestic disputes was recorded in academic literature since long before the MND website was created and Glenn Sacks made his first radio appearance.

    This is the root of the problem, IMO. People who lie about such things are ruining the world for everyone. People who really face problems with abuse are just as much their victims as those who are falsely accused. If false accusations were not such a rampant problem, it would be safer and saner to take every accusation seriously.

    IMO, abuse victims aren’t helping themselves by targeting victims of false accusations. I understand that is not the intent of the article. But summing up in the context of the evidence – the problem is with feminist organizations that encourage false accusations and most definitely with women who make them. Wouldn’t the problem be much easier to deal with if accusations of abuse generally had a higher level of credibility? And if resources for dealing with the problem were not stretched thin by a lot of false accusations?

  • http://www.shatterdmen.com/ shatteredmen

    Sandra, I am not sure if you will see this but here it is.

    I have seen Glen Sacks hold many men accountable for their actions too so he is not anti woman or anti bio mothers.

    As the director of Shattered Men, we do have women who have or are facing the same things you are but by far the majority of those who have been denied access to their children are fathers. This is one reason both Glen Sacks and Shattered Men focus on this area.

    For each resource for a battered man, there are literally hundreds to address battered women although the victims of domestic abuse are just as likely to be a man as it is a to be a woman.

    I would suggest a search for abused women and check out the hundreds of resources for women which still insists in spite of overwhelming unbiased evidence that abuse is equal that still insist that 95% of the abuse victims are women (and they claim that half of the 5% of abused men are abused by men) Ask these resources what help they offer men and also check out the NOW website and ask them too. One reason Shattered Men even exists today is because NOW told a woman who was abused by her mother that women do not abuse their children. She did her own research and started a website with I found that showed otherwise.

    To conclude, Glen Sacks and I as well as almost all of the resource for men recognize that there are men who are the abuser. Although most fathers who can not see their children can not do so because they are denied access, we do however realize there are many who could but they themselves are the ones that abandon their children just as some mothers do. Most of us do encourage men to be a dad to their children if they are able even if they do not get along with their ex. A relationship with our children is a terrible thing to waste just because we do not get along with their mother or father. You are right about that Sandra; it is time to put the interest of our children ahead of our own. It is time to value ALL our people.

    You are welcomed to come to Shattered Men and we will do what we can to help you. Just click on the id above and it will take you to our website and from there you can go to the bottom to the contact page.

  • JamesH

    I do not think that this site is anti-female and anti-biological mom.

    Undoubtledly there are good and bad people, and it is possible that people who have their heart in the right place, may find that criticism of the bad members of their gender difficult to deal with.

    I certainly hope however that this website does make members of the opposite gender examine their own behaviour.







Right.

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