Sandra, a female reader, recently sent me the following letter in response to my blog post Divorced Dad Faces Jail for ‘Crime’ of Visiting His Little Daughter’s Kindergarten:
Abused children never seem to get taken from abusive parents enough of the time… but family law courts allow fathers to never see their children again based on an accusation? It is hard to believe. I am not saying it did not or does not happen, but I think the courts go to joint custody without looking at the whole picture. It is hard to get sole custody. It is hard to lose visitation. There is more to the story.
I had a truly abusive ex. I never got a Protection Order because I did not want to be accused of using that in divorce or custody. I most likely should have done so, but he is far away now–not by my hand.
My ex husband hit me, was verbally abusive for years and I still tried to make things work, I tried, after we separated, to foster a relationship between my ex and my children. It did not work. He claims PAS and denies the abuse which my kids saw. We have joint custody but it is just paper. He barely sees them by his choice and due to his relocation some three thousands miles away–and guess what? It is all my fault according to him. You cannot parent if you never choose to do so, if you give up all the responsibility to your ex, you have to face that you gave up on parenting. Child support does not equal true parenting…
I wish this site would not be so anti-female and anti-biological mom. I wish the children would come first in all of this. I am sorry for any good Dads who miss out on their children’s lives. There are some bad ones. I was married to one of those. He blamed everyone and everything but himself. If you give up, you’re giving up on your children. If you’re good, honest, and loving they will know that–send cards, letters, do not give up. My girls suffer so much from feeling abandoned or not important to their Dad. Forget your ex–love your kids, and fight.
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JamesH said,
Undoubtledly there are good and bad people, and it is possible that people who have their heart in the right place, may find that criticism of the bad members of their gender difficult to deal with.
I certainly hope however that this website does make members of the opposite gender examine their own behaviour.
February 1, 2008 at 2:37 am
shatteredmen said,
I have seen Glen Sacks hold many men accountable for their actions too so he is not anti woman or anti bio mothers.
As the director of Shattered Men, we do have women who have or are facing the same things you are but by far the majority of those who have been denied access to their children are fathers. This is one reason both Glen Sacks and Shattered Men focus on this area.
For each resource for a battered man, there are literally hundreds to address battered women although the victims of domestic abuse are just as likely to be a man as it is a to be a woman.
I would suggest a search for abused women and check out the hundreds of resources for women which still insists in spite of overwhelming unbiased evidence that abuse is equal that still insist that 95% of the abuse victims are women (and they claim that half of the 5% of abused men are abused by men) Ask these resources what help they offer men and also check out the NOW website and ask them too. One reason Shattered Men even exists today is because NOW told a woman who was abused by her mother that women do not abuse their children. She did her own research and started a website with I found that showed otherwise.
To conclude, Glen Sacks and I as well as almost all of the resource for men recognize that there are men who are the abuser. Although most fathers who can not see their children can not do so because they are denied access, we do however realize there are many who could but they themselves are the ones that abandon their children just as some mothers do. Most of us do encourage men to be a dad to their children if they are able even if they do not get along with their ex. A relationship with our children is a terrible thing to waste just because we do not get along with their mother or father. You are right about that Sandra; it is time to put the interest of our children ahead of our own. It is time to value ALL our people.
You are welcomed to come to Shattered Men and we will do what we can to help you. Just click on the id above and it will take you to our website and from there you can go to the bottom to the contact page.
February 1, 2008 at 3:50 am
Roger F. Gay said,
This is the root of the problem, IMO. People who lie about such things are ruining the world for everyone. People who really face problems with abuse are just as much their victims as those who are falsely accused. If false accusations were not such a rampant problem, it would be safer and saner to take every accusation seriously.
IMO, abuse victims aren’t helping themselves by targeting victims of false accusations. I understand that is not the intent of the article. But summing up in the context of the evidence - the problem is with feminist organizations that encourage false accusations and most definitely with women who make them. Wouldn’t the problem be much easier to deal with if accusations of abuse generally had a higher level of credibility? And if resources for dealing with the problem were not stretched thin by a lot of false accusations?
February 1, 2008 at 6:20 am
TheManOnTheStreet said,
“My ex husband hit me, was verbally abusive for years and I still tried to make things work, I tried, after we separated, to foster a relationship between my ex and my children. It did not work. He claims PAS and denies the abuse which my kids saw. ”
This tells me three things…. One, there is more to this story. And secondly, with all the “MY” children.. statements, PAS seems viable…
Lastly, the ever favorite “abuse” card. IF it happened as she claims, why is he not in jail? IF it was witnessed my the children, why is he not in jail instead of the other side of the country? Why is she not collecting “her due for the children”? Again, more to this story. Much, much more.
TMOTS
February 1, 2008 at 7:26 am
conservativation said,
The response this reader made and her reason fer making it is CLASSIC flawed female think.
It boiled down to “I have a different story THEREFORE the entire statistical analysis that shows overwhelmingly one thing is proven false by MY ANECDOTE”
This is maddening and no matter how many times I sarcastically type “I know a guy that smoked 4 packs a day and lived to a hundred THEREFORE smoking is a healthy activity” most of the women cannot stop bringing their personal situation in as the show stopper.
IT IS MADDENING.
February 1, 2008 at 7:56 am
GreatMRNI said,
February 1, 2008 at 9:44 am
PolishKnight said,
IF it happened as she claims, why is he not in jail?
Ooh ooh! I have the answer!
It’s clear that he “hit” her just ONCE, otherwise, she would have said he _beat_ her on a regular basis. That’s why she followed up with the claim of “verbal abuse” which can mean just about anything. It sounds like she tried to drag some PETTY ugly event from the past out to bash him in family court and it didn’t work…
Nice try honey!
He probably slapped her after she had “verbally abused” him and maybe even deliberately provoked him precisely so she could classify him as a physical abuser. He maybe took the bait, realized what happened, and wised up. She claims to have tried to make things work, but if she’s holding a grudge about a slap that far into the future, what could he do?
There’s so much about her story that doesn’t pan out. He was a horrible man who “hit” her and was VERBALLY “abusive”. EEEK! What a MONSTER! Yet, now she complains that he’s a jerk for walking away? Wouldn’t someone who had dealt with a TRULY abusive person be glad they hit the road? Translation: She knows she exaggerated and mischaracterized him as a power play and he walked off. Her passive-aggressive game backfired on her and continues to backfire and she can’t figure out why.
And don’t you know, it’s not her fault because she’s a (drum roll Anton) VICTIM! After she gets done blaming him for everything, she turns around and says that he blamed everything on others when it was all his fault. That’s projection. After all, the ONLY person we see here blaming something on someone else and not themselves is _HER_.
The real victims here appear to be her daughters who miss their father despite all the BS she’s tried to spoonfeed them. So now she’s alone and she’s stuck with children who view her as the jerk. Welcome to the hell on earth you created.
Don’t expect any pity from us.
February 1, 2008 at 10:04 am
Artfldgr said,
Its better to let bad men go free, rather than deny the rights of one just man
To the new communist ideal that”
It is better to remove a hundred good men than let one bad one go free
if one is smart enough they can see that in this way, a few bad men, can be used to remove all the good men. and if they fail to catch the bad one, they will go through ALL the good ones to find him, even if he doesnt exist!
February 1, 2008 at 12:06 pm
PolishKnight said,
It reminds me of the feminists who say they support alimony because of concern that traditional women who were married before women’s equality wouldn’t have anything to fall back on.
As Danny DeVito’s character in “Other People’s Money” put it: WHO CARES?
These same feminists didn’t have ANY room in their heart for the young, blue collar men who couldn’t compete with middle class women flooding the workplace. They didn’t care about the older men (or for that matter, even their dependent wives and children) who got laid off to make room for affirmative action hires. Their heart only bled when it was DIVORCED women who might lose traditional entitlements.
That’s why I don’t buy this woman’s hard-luck story at all. Such women who buy into feminist tripe had planned to blame the man all along. They know how to manipulate men and precisely how to see when the townspeople come by the cry wolf. But an experienced observer can spot their “tells” just as a father knows how his 5 year old daughter lies about eating the cookies.
February 1, 2008 at 12:25 pm
BobH said,
Sorry honey, feminazis have been saying for 40 years that men and women are in a “gender war”. Well, welcome to the gender war. I hope you enjoy the next 40 years.
February 1, 2008 at 1:29 pm
PolishKnight said,
I avoid the feminist web sites because I know they’ll just censure us anyway. If this woman wanders into our cootie club, and has her feelings hurt, she really has only her own conscience to blame. Boo hoo! It’s unfair that someone, somewhere might say something bad and even worse TRUE about her!
February 1, 2008 at 1:48 pm
dysturbd said,
Excuse me while I go throw up, your refusal to take any culpability and responsibility make me sick. So f@*&ing typical.
If your so concerned about your kids, pack up and move closer to their dad. Oh, that’s right why should you it’s HIS fault. God forbid you should be a parent and put aside your issues for the sake of your kids.
Oh there’s more to the story. Yeah, there always is…and none of it is your fault. Blah, blah, blah, whimper, whimper, whine, whine, cry, cry. Somone help me, it’s not my fault. I’m a victim. Big Government where are you?
February 1, 2008 at 1:54 pm
SM777 said,
Do you know why?
Because he married her.
February 1, 2008 at 4:05 pm
belista12 said,
February 1, 2008 at 5:14 pm
amfortas said,
This site - MND, Glenn’s - is far from anti-women. Far. It criticises and illustrates hypocrisy, usually but not soley feminist inspired. It allows discourse. This lady clearly sees that she will be heard and may be dismayed that she is criticised unfairly.
Let’s assume that all she says is true. We have no other story. It illustrates that there are women who suffer at the hands of unfeeling husbands. “Twas ever thus. But as is pointed out above, it is a lot rarer than the husband being abused by lying wives who poison their children’s minds against their father. This is an epidemic, not a rarity.
The feminists - some men included, Sandra - have twisted our legal and justice systems to such a degree that Truth is not allowed to be expressed and false accusation is encouraged and rewarded. It generates cynicism. It is bound to hit the occasional woman in the place where her gonads would be were she a man, as that is where the law’s kick is aimed. It may hurt, Sandra, but rest assured that you are fortunate that you don’t have the testicles, because the assault on you hurts men far more.
The system of family court was not designed to help women. It was designed to punish and dispossess men. To neuter men’s place in society at its most fundemental. That the occasional woman is hurt does not matter a jot to them. Frankly, it does not matter much to me either - I regret to say. But I dare say you, Sandra, will have little regret for the hundreds of thousands of fathers lied about and dispossessed every year in the western world.
The difference between writers and commentators here, Sandra, and you, is that most of us here look outward at society, at the damage that is being wrought and where that damage is coming from, rather than focusing on our own tale. And, Sandra, we have tales to tell too.
February 1, 2008 at 7:29 pm
tonysprout said,
February 1, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Roger F. Gay said,
February 2, 2008 at 4:40 am