SATIRE

9. He defecates hope, urinates dreams, perspires justice, expectorates butterfly kisses, and cries tears of racial equality.

8. While his home planet was in the throes of destruction as the result of a thermonuclear chain reaction deep within its unstable uranium core, Obama (nee Bar-El) managed to escape and make it to Earth where he is well on his way to fulfilling his destiny.

7. Admits that getting body art of Jim Jones on his back as a young man showed “a grave error in judgment.” Has since covered it up with a tattoo of David Keresh high-fiving L. Ron Hubbard.

6. While it is widely acknowledged that Denny Terrio taught John Travolta to dance for his role in the iconic film Saturday Night Fever, it is not as commonly known that Terrio learned his art by studying at the feet of one Barack Obama.

5. After doctors removed kidney stones from the senator in 2006, they accidentally dropped them on the operating room floor. Within minutes fifty money trees sprang up, neatly framing the entrance to the newly formed gum-drop swamp and hot fudge waterfall.

4. Feels that those who have dubbed his personal entourage his “posse” are racist and small-minded, noting that he much prefers the terms “apostles” or “disciples.”

3. Contrary to popular belief he does not walk on water. He prefers a light jog.

2. Is second only to Robert Byrd in Senate history for the record of talking for the longest time without actually saying anything.

1. Was actually born Eugene Michael Boyce, but changed his name just to make the 2008 election close.

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9? lists and other organizations “Top 10? lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

Buckley F. Williams is an MND satirist

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