Feminist Author Wants Your Opinion for Her Book on Dating
“My problem…is that I am a woman who spent much of my adult life paying heed to men’s fragile egos, at the expense of taking care of my own emotional and physical self. Now I realize that I do not emasculate men, rather, when I am my best, I intimidate them.”
Feminist author Colleen West is writing a book about dating called Women Seeking Men – Who’s on Top? Her goal is to see what it’s like for strong, independent, feminist-minded women who are looking for love and romance. She has been conducting some of her research for the book by placing personal ads on dating websites.
Apparently several of the men who responded to her personal ads mentioned me, so Colleen decided to contact me. What appears below is an excerpt from her book that she would like my readership’s opinion on. She would like to publish what she finds here as part of her book.
Excerpted from Women Seeking Men – Who’s on Top?
By Colleen West
What literally started as a genuine attempt to “find a man” one cold and rainy Portland Sunday morning, via one of America’s most demographically neutral websites, curiously turned into my own personal sociological study. It began when I stepped out on a proverbial limb and placed an ad under the heading “Women Seeking Men.”
I was really surprised at the number of men who responded to my ad. Also, surprisingly, I found these men’s responses to be quite enlightening, cute, funny, odd, offensive, thoughtful, whacked out crazy, and in the end; just plain entertaining. What better material is there, than this, to write a book with?
In my mind, these men’s responses to my ad morphed into a literary project, this book, a non-scientific study (of sorts) about women looking for men, men looking for women, what keeps us apart, and what brings us together.
Placing the ad itself was inspired by the fact that I recently finished reading the book Are Men Necessary – When Sexes Collide. A book written by a well known Pulitzer prize-winning political columnist for the New York Times. Her view is that of a die hard feminist which I find myself both relating to and fighting against.
When I was done reading it, I could not help but wonder, “What do real life, single, red blooded, American men think of the feminist view?” (Of course the answer begs to be asked, “Why should us women care what men think?” and yet Victoria’s Secret seems to have answered that one already…….no matter how much we don’t want to, or think we shouldn’t……we just do.)
More importantly to my life, what effect does feminism have on a single woman’s ability to find a caring and romantic man who embraces and appreciates her strength and independence?
I’m not talking about extreme feminism that drives women to emancipate themselves from anything male influenced, socially or psychologically restrictive. (Do under-wire bras and stilettos ring a bell?) I’m not talking about voting women into positions of power merely because they are women. I’m not talking about sperm donor seeking, man bashing, angry feminism.
I am talking about walking, talking, average American feminism where women embrace their ability to work and debate issues beside men of equal intelligence and who share goals for a better life, for all; those with and without external plumbing. I’m talking about women who make enough money to support themselves and their children, but who constantly feel like they have to “dumb down” to avoid intimidating co-workers, dates, or dad.
I am one of those women. My father told me that I emasculate men. His opinion was, of course, born in an era of clear gender roles before the establishment of women’s rights to our own bodies. I was not born in an era of clear gender roles however, and upon further review (and with the help of a close friend and some very candid conversation) I realize that I have lived my whole life believing him, living “down” to his expectations of me and my relationships. I have tip toed around bosses, always assuming that my ass was the subject of water cooler gossip instead of my accomplishments. I have been afraid to perform well at work out of fear of outshining male colleagues and thusly losing their friendship or support. My egg shell walking habits also extended into my personal life.
I have been married twice, once for 5 years to a man whose idea of a fun Friday night was knocking back a few beers and then knocking me back a few feet, or into the next room; and then to the father of my two children. Perhaps my first divorce goes without explanation but for the record, I finally woke up, emotionally, and gained strength enough to run. Financial ruin and emotional distance killed my second marriage. For a very long time I blamed myself for not being strong enough to change them, or strong enough to stand up and force resolution to the inequality in our relationships.
In retrospect I realize that my problem was not my inability to change men who clearly did not seek to be changed, but it is that I am a woman who spent much of my adult life paying heed to men’s fragile egos, at the expense of taking care of my own emotional and physical self. Now I realize that I do not emasculate men, rather, when I am my best, I intimidate them.
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Stumble It!
February 28th, 2008 at 2:49 am
I am not quite sure what you are looking for here but am intrigued. Let me share some ideas that come to mind.
1) I think women compete and succeed very well in the business world. They are powerful, knowledgeable, hardworking. Very Very few are bitchy. Business needs success. Do not hold back, just dont be bitchy. And if you do honest to God find a sex harrassment or hostile work environment, move on you will be successful somewhere else.
2) In the modern business world the natural abilities of women seem to be in demand. Communication, multitasking, creativity, sharing. I could give examples of this but there just my own personal experiences. Stoic men that focus on 1 technical task at a time are being off-shored.
3) I think most young girls women raised in pop culture (maybe feminist culture) have a very hard time picking out a decent guy. The decent guy isnt very sexy or fun so gets overlooked until its time to wise up. However I think in tight family culture usually tied in with religion or maybe rural life women pick a decent guy early. Again my observation.
4) Im single, in my 30’s, and I don’t date much by choice for a number of reasons, not that I really want to explain myself here even if I could. When I was younger I took having a companion very seriously, probably too seriously, my romances never seemed to work out. In my 30’s I haven’t worried about it as much and it seems I have had an easier time dating now, but my interest level is not what it used to be and have shied away from a serious relationship. This has perplexed Im sure the 30 something professional smart educated well off women that Ive met.
5) I have actually told women that they intimidate me, It wasn’t their job or profession that was intimdating, but the intesity of the expectation of being the guy they are in need of and must fit into their schedule and methods. It s like I know going in Ill never be able to disagree or be allowed to be imperfect. Correlating thought: Why are guys so into video games or even football, b/c when they lose they know they will be limited in rejection/criticism . . just a subconscious possibility.
6) I have found myself at times making advances toward women that are younger and have more of an average job and less education, it just seems more attractive or fun. But I do take stock of this and I wonder about myself why I feel this way. I realize that I might have more in common and find a much more interesting companion in someone that actually has responsibility and a lively career, but the possibility of being truly appreciated/idealized is a strong motivation.
7) Recently I met a woman who was visiting the USA from another country and I was floored at how friendly and engaging she was and I hadn’t even really made any advances toward her. In several brief conversations I found my jaw drop at the kind of things she said to me. She was shocked that I was single, not b/c I must be odd but b/c it was unheard off that such a man would be unattached in her country. “Do you have a family? Would you like to have a family?” What an inviting idea; this question has never been posed to me by one of my dates. The question was not why arent you married? How many kids do you want? What is your job? Rent or Own? She wasn’t prequalifying me, refreshing. Its was as if she was saying you are really important, like a king, she was a king maker of sorts. Our conversations were short lived as she had to return.
9) In the weeks that have passed since I met my friend from far away I have pondered the question of “Do you want a family?” and I have to tell you that the answer bubbling inside of me is . . . YES. I want to be king, not a powerless politician with a limited term.
February 28th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Hmmmm, let’s see. I sit through a three hour date with a woman who regales me with stories of her personal independence, liberation, and grrrrlpower. Then, when the dinner check comes, she RUNS for the bathroom or mentions hat she conveniently left her wallet at home. Gee, so your strong, independent and liberated when it’s convenient for you, and weak, independent and in need of caretaking when it’s convenient for you. You’re a feminist until the bill comes. It’s “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!” on the one hand, and “I AM WOMAN< HEAR ME WHINE!” on the other.
Feminists are con artists. Pure and simple.
February 28th, 2008 at 7:10 am
Ms. West claims to be a strong woman, then provides ample evidence that she is no such thing. Strength is genuinely not caring what others think about your lifestyle, work habits, intelligence…I cannot comprehend anyone who reaches middle age and continues to pretend to be something they are not, to try to “fit in”. Unsurprisingly, she blames this on the nearest male, her dad.
She exerts way too much energy trying to figure out what men want. Do you want to be strong, or do you want to fit it? Choose. Be yourself, live your life, and damn the rest. Suitors who are interested in the real you will come. If they don’t, you have to truly not care. You will find the ability to compromise with them, and to find compromise in them, if there is genuine interest and compatibility.
I am monumentally turned off by stupid women; if you can’t hold an intelligent conversation about the world, and then drop it, relax and have fun, I have no interest. I suppose it is possible that I have missed out on women that were dumbing themselves down in order to try to be attractive. Oh well.
If the author wants to play Dagny to Hank Rearden, such men are few.
Modern marriage is an extremely high-risk proposition for men, and most are well advised to avoid it. The statistics are so grim that the mere fact that any man still marries proves that “hope springs eternal”. Men have been divested of interest in marriage by hundreds of years of societal policy designed to turn them into wage slaves, shoveling resources at wife and children. Now wife and children can access a man’s resources without actually needing to trouble with keeping the man around. Wife can choose to tolerate man’s presence for whatever time she wishes, and then exercise her “put” for a very high, no-risk profit. Simple economics. Men have taken notice and are behaving rationally. Simple economics again.
February 28th, 2008 at 7:43 am
i believe mens desire for women has wained for several reasons. i learned not to touch a hot stove, sniff gasoline or eat moldy cheese. of course, it took three marriages and 30 years.
ain’t love beautiful?
February 28th, 2008 at 9:18 am
“”My problem…is that I am a woman who spent much of my adult life paying heed to men’s fragile egos, at the expense of taking care of my own emotional and physical self. Now I realize that I do not emasculate men, rather, when I am my best, I intimidate them.”"
This was enough for me to formulate an opinion of her so-called book. So in essence, she cannot “feel” empowered unless she is breaking down men and intimidating them….
And this gem:
“I am talking about women who make enough money to support themselves and their children, but who constantly feel like they have to dumb down to avoid intimidating co-workers, dates, or dad.”
And “men” are the one with the problems eh? Project much?
Furthermore:
“I have tip toed around bosses, always assuming that my ass was the subject of water cooler gossip instead of my accomplishments. I have been afraid to perform well at work out of fear of outshining male colleagues and thusly losing their friendship or support. My egg shell walking habits also extended into my personal life.”
Wow! So not only do you think that you are above reproach and the best of all bests, but you just KNOW that they only care about your butilicious ass tah boot! Gee! How many times do you tell youself that you are Gods gift to the world, and or course to men, in the mirror every morning? Speaking of EGO….. And speaking of sexist opinions….
Nuff said. Well, not exactly…
If you’re reading miss andrist, you are no better than any other race or gender baiter “author”.
You’d do well to maybe look into that magic mirror and ask yourself, WTF is wrong with ME! and then fix it. Stop blaming YOUR shortcomings on men. Stop with the men are the reason I am who I am…men are nothing but apes looking at my ass all the time instead of my accomplishments….
speaking of accomplishments….How many Sexual Harrassment cases do you have under your belt so far? Must be quite a few by now! An empowered and strong women like you would never stand for all those men gawking at your ass and do nothing about it… right?
TMOTS
February 28th, 2008 at 9:25 am
“Feminist Author Wants Your Opinion for Her Book on Dating”
No she doesn’t. What the author wants is another platform from which to spout her feminist man-bashing drivel about our “fragile male egos”, demonstrate her victimhood credentials, and in general prove how superior she is to the male half of the human race. And, Glenn has obligingly provided her with not just one but two platforms to do this.
This is nothing but a ruse to launch one more barrage of insults against men and trick some of them into defending themselves and their sex. The author is clearly arrogant, obnoxious, overbearing, offensive, and unpleasant. Decent people of either sex would wisely and naturally avoid her, which is why she believes that all men are jerks and all women are feminists just like she is – everyone else treats her like ill-smelling waste.
It does, however, serve a purpose in that it is a conversation starter and an opening for men to share with other men their perspectives on the mating situation. It allows us to compare notes on how to deal with bloated female egos when we cannot avoid them.
As a two-time loser with kids in tow, enough baggage to fill a freight train, and enough attitude to bury Pompei again, the author is a textbook case of what emotional toxic waste looks like. The most sensible course of action for good men is to simply remain invisible to her – which they can easily do by doing nothing to bring themselves to her attention while she passively sits on her butt and waits for the world to deliver to her the sort of husband/mate that she feels she is entitled to.
The sub-prime market for women, just like the sub-prime market for real estate, is beginning to crash. Used up, middle-aged women are beginning to catch on to that fact, which is why we are now seeing all these articles about “Why aren’t these disgusting creatures with their fragile egos still killing themselves in order to get a few moments of our toxic attention?”
The only practical course of action when faced with a dating pool filled with “strong independent women who don’t need no man” is to become a self-sufficient man who doesn’t need a woman. The kind of man the author claims to be looking for is exactly the kind of man who needs her the least and to whom she has nothing to offer, while still demanding everything from him. That being the case, of course she is only going to encounter the “losers” because men with something to offer are doing to have enough sense to not allow a woman like her to get her hooks into him.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:12 am
The initial qualities I look for in a woman – with the prospect of a long-term, meaningful relationship – are: 1) Is she happy, 2) Do we share the same religious faith and values – in my case conservative Protestant Christian, 3) Is she age-appropriate, 4) Do we share common interests, and 5) Do I admire her family.
Feisty, sassy and argumentative do not bode well.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
The “author” wonders if her ass is a topic of water-cooler gossip?
It may be the only thing that most of her male colleagues may want a piece of, or if it’s two lanes wide, then to avoid…
As for the rest of her, I would imagine that they don’t want any part of her life, now or in the future. Twice divorced means she is showing a pattern of making bad choices. A series of failed relationships with more bad men I’m sure have followed, which further demonstrates bad decision making.
The gossip is how she continues to make bad decisions, continues and to work, and or get promoted. Her implied history of sexual harassment accusations are how she keeps her job.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
“Roger60601
They are powerful, knowledgeable, hardworking. Very Very few are bitchy.”
I think Roger may live in another world, one that feminists running it.
February 28th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
What’s sad is that the woman still got hundreds of responses from men despite her being a “sub-prime” target. Then again, I still see plenty of rambler shacks in Northern Virgina with, get this, $459K price tags on them.
“market exuberance froth”, as Greenspan put it, is slow to dissolve. The herd gets so used to moving in one direction that most of them can’t believe the trend is over until they read it in Time magazine (and then EVERYONE knows it’s over!)
In another Glenn Sack’s article, a feminist named “Kimmy” dressed up sexily and then bashed men for looking at her. She apparently has an “enlightened” boyfriend. This is a sign that they have not yet struck bottom. How does a hairy legged, plain looking woman manage to get a boyfriend and still get looks from men? Because we live in a society where men still buy into male guilt and hope that “egalitarianism” will somehow work out. Most men still can’t figure out that women who can’t pick up a simple dinner check probably shouldn’t get paid the same as a man.
As a result, we have to have trillion dollar welfare programs to save children and families because career women can’t be bothered to spend their money on… er… bills. We’re supposed to hope that maybe, in a few thousand years or so, women will be able to handle personal responsibility like men (nevermind earning jobs on abiilty rather than affirmative action quotas.)
February 28th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
The Myth of Women’s Equality
Roger said: “1) I think women compete and succeed very well in the business world. They are powerful, knowledgeable, hardworking. Very Very few are bitchy.
Other than this statement not being based upon fact, whatsoever, he’s absolutely right.
Career women are still treated as helpless victims by the state that regards them as requiring special treatment to make up for being pampered housewives in the past and in the future requiring special daycare and family programs to help them balance work and home.
When women aren’t bitchy in the workplace, they are often bitchy with their husbands and men in their lives whom are supposed to pick up the dinner checks and live up to traditional provider standards (even as they are discriminated against by the state) and also help out with the chores at home. Even so, many men who have working class backgrounds such as janitors still do a better job of finding mates than career women. So whose got the “fragile ego?”
Sure, women can do anything a man can if there’s a trillion dollar infrastructure in place to guarantee “equal” results but I can get my cat to learn to play fetch too if I spend a month on it. In the meantime, think about all the things our society could have done if it wasn’t busy handholding career women. Remember 2001: A Space Odyssey and their vision of 2001 with moon space stations and flying cars? Oh, wait, all that money instead went to lawyers to debate the merits of throwing men in jail for telling a woman she looks pretty while in the workplace…
February 28th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Has this woman never studied? There are shelves of self-help books by mega-Gurus telling her that as an empowered women, what SHE does is what matters, so why does she do things that ‘intimidate’? Is she on a sado-masochism binge?
But does she read, or listen? (What, a woman, listen?). She is far too busy imagining things – such as men looking at her arse – to actually pay any attention to what men really think.
And of course, in the next year or two she will be able to whine that she ‘asked’. It will be men’s fault that we didn’t meet her answering requirements. She won’t mention that she didn’t listen.
She has been married twice – to men that she chose. To men she promised to love forever, through good times and bad, for richer for poorer. Did she listen to herself speaking the words? She had two opportunities to hear the words coming from her own mouth. And now the deaf cow is looking for another poor sap so she can have another opportunity. I doubt she will hear though.
I have certainly heard enough.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Well Educated Successful Career Oriented Male with a multitude of hobbies and interest has an opinion of his own and does not require any person (ie, a woman) to tell him what that opinion is.
Has the ability to determine right from wrong, and does not need any person (ie, a woman) in his life to explain it to him.
Has the ability to actually take care of himself, and has no need of a person (ie, a woman) to explain how to take care of himself the right way.
If she really wants to find a man worth having, then maybe she should look at the men who have no desire or need for a woman in their life anymore. They are the men who are strong enough to stand on their own, and smart enough to see that feminism has created monsters out of most women and many men.
March 1st, 2008 at 9:36 am
Ms West, the excerpt from your book speaks at length about what you require from a man. You want someone caring; you want someone romantic; you want someone who appreciates you. I notice you said nothing at all about what you offer in return.
Our society has beaten me down to the point that I actually feel a bit guilty asking, and I suspect (if you’re really honest with yourself) that you’re just a little offended that I would even ask. Let’s take a step back and look at one of your requirements in particular: romance. I suppose what you mean by romance is that you want to affection, you want displays of affection, you want professions of affection – let’s just sum it up by saying that you want to feel special and unique. Well, it’s actually quite a lot of work to make a woman feel that way, or more accurately, to make a woman understand that this is the way I feel about her.
But please don’t misunderstand, most men actually *want* to do this work. It’s an instinct I suppose, or maybe an arbitrary gender role authored by society. Regardless, the fact is, if you want it then I have good news, lots of men want to give it to you. So take heart.
Now let’s return to my question. Given that you are asking men to perform substantial work, what exactly to you offer in return? If I dare to suggest that you offer *anything* in return, you will label me oppressive. You’ll say that I have no right.
And this, Ms West, is the problem. You may write an entire book on this subject, but it’s really as simple as this: you want something, but you are too selfish to give anything in return. (lest I be misunderstood, let me be clear that many men are selfish too)
Here’s what I suggest: talk more about what you offer a man. You really don’t need to write a book about how you want romance and caring. That’s actually kind of obvious. But if you structure your thinking so that you can be a caring, nurturing, supportive partner, I think you’ll find that you motivate a man to reciprocate with romance. And if you write about that, I think your book will be useful.
But somehow, I know that you wont write about that, because our society is selfish, and more people want to read about their own selfish desires.
Good luck anyway. I’ll probably read your book when it comes out.