“My problem…is that I am a woman who spent much of my adult life paying heed to men’s fragile egos, at the expense of taking care of my own emotional and physical self. Now I realize that I do not emasculate men, rather, when I am my best, I intimidate them.”
Feminist author Colleen West is writing a book about dating called Women Seeking Men – Who’s on Top? Her goal is to see what it’s like for strong, independent, feminist-minded women who are looking for love and romance. She has been conducting some of her research for the book by placing personal ads on dating websites.
Apparently several of the men who responded to her personal ads mentioned me, so Colleen decided to contact me. What appears below is an excerpt from her book that she would like my readership’s opinion on. She would like to publish what she finds here as part of her book.
Excerpted from Women Seeking Men – Who’s on Top?
By Colleen West
What literally started as a genuine attempt to “find a man†one cold and rainy Portland Sunday morning, via one of America’s most demographically neutral websites, curiously turned into my own personal sociological study. It began when I stepped out on a proverbial limb and placed an ad under the heading “Women Seeking Men.â€Â
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I was really surprised at the number of men who responded to my ad. Also, surprisingly, I found these men’s responses to be quite enlightening, cute, funny, odd, offensive, thoughtful, whacked out crazy, and in the end; just plain entertaining. What better material is there, than this, to write a book with?
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In my mind, these men’s responses to my ad morphed into a literary project, this book, a non-scientific study (of sorts) about women looking for men, men looking for women, what keeps us apart, and what brings us together.
Placing the ad itself was inspired by the fact that I recently finished reading the book Are Men Necessary – When Sexes Collide. A book written by a well known Pulitzer prize-winning political columnist for the New York Times. Her view is that of a die hard feminist which I find myself both relating to and fighting against.
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When I was done reading it, I could not help but wonder, “What do real life, single, red blooded, American men think of the feminist view?†(Of course the answer begs to be asked, “Why should us women care what men think?†and yet Victoria’s Secret seems to have answered that one already…….no matter how much we don’t want to, or think we shouldn’t……we just do.)
More importantly to my life, what effect does feminism have on a single woman’s ability to find a caring and romantic man who embraces and appreciates her strength and independence?
I’m not talking about extreme feminism that drives women to emancipate themselves from anything male influenced, socially or psychologically restrictive. (Do under-wire bras and stilettos ring a bell?) I’m not talking about voting women into positions of power merely because they are women. I’m not talking about sperm donor seeking, man bashing, angry feminism.
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I am talking about walking, talking, average American feminism where women embrace their ability to work and debate issues beside men of equal intelligence and who share goals for a better life, for all; those with and without external plumbing. I’m talking about women who make enough money to support themselves and their children, but who constantly feel like they have to “dumb down†to avoid intimidating co-workers, dates, or dad.
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I am one of those women. My father told me that I emasculate men. His opinion was, of course, born in an era of clear gender roles before the establishment of women’s rights to our own bodies. I was not born in an era of clear gender roles however, and upon further review (and with the help of a close friend and some very candid conversation) I realize that I have lived my whole life believing him, living “down†to his expectations of me and my relationships. I have tip toed around bosses, always assuming that my ass was the subject of water cooler gossip instead of my accomplishments. I have been afraid to perform well at work out of fear of outshining male colleagues and thusly losing their friendship or support. My egg shell walking habits also extended into my personal life.
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I have been married twice, once for 5 years to a man whose idea of a fun Friday night was knocking back a few beers and then knocking me back a few feet, or into the next room; and then to the father of my two children. Perhaps my first divorce goes without explanation but for the record, I finally woke up, emotionally, and gained strength enough to run. Financial ruin and emotional distance killed my second marriage. For a very long time I blamed myself for not being strong enough to change them, or strong enough to stand up and force resolution to the inequality in our relationships.
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In retrospect I realize that my problem was not my inability to change men who clearly did not seek to be changed, but it is that I am a woman who spent much of my adult life paying heed to men’s fragile egos, at the expense of taking care of my own emotional and physical self. Now I realize that I do not emasculate men, rather, when I am my best, I intimidate them.
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