‘Girls love jerks!…too many women who could easily be in a healthy relationship instead choose the cliffhanger…’
“As much as I hate to say it, girls love jerks!…too many women who could easily be in a healthy relationship instead choose the cliffhanger ending of dating a jerk that walks with a swagger, winks at anything that moves, and always has a one-liner at the ready.”
Though feminist bloggers often fall all over themselves to deny it, I think one of the very real grievances young men have is the way women, despite all of their complaints about men, are usually not interested in nice guys. I saw one men’s activist several years ago write on his website, “Women say they want one thing, but they sleep with another,” and it’s often true.
When I taught high school, students often came to me with their problems. Sometimes the girls would come to me with problems about their boyfriends. Often they would come in groups. Time and time and time again I would see a girl who could have had practically any guy in the school she wanted instead go way, way out of her way to have a relationship with a jerk. (The jerk was often a gang member). Then, when things don’t work out with the jerk, or when the jerk acts like, well, a jerk, they are shocked and angry.
I remember one time asking a girl the following question — “You could pick practically any guy you want. Why don’t you just go find a guy who thinks he’s lucky to be with you? Who will be good to you because he’s a nice, good hearted guy, who is pleased with his good fortune? Why don’t you just find a nice guy, and have a relationship with him?
The girl and her two friends giggled, and all three of them practically said the same thing at once — “Nice is boring.”
The article below by Christine Hassler (pictured) and Jason Ryan Dorsey discusses the problem with girls and “jerks.” I have mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I think that men sometimes get stereotyped unfairly as jerks. On the other hand, I think it is true that often women do not like “nice guys”, and it is time to acknowledge this problem.
Thanks to Dutch Martin, for sending me the story.
DATING TIPS
She Says vs. He Says: Do Girls Really Like Dating Jerks?
By Christine Hassler and Jason Ryan Dorsey
Yahoo! Personals, Feb 24, 2008
SHE SAYS: No, but we think we do. As someone who dated a jerk, whom I now refer to as my “learning experience,” I admit to falling under the jerk spell.
Here’s how the jerk spell works: we meet the jerk and in some twisted way are seduced by his confidence, charm, and passion. We don’t see these as the disguises they are: confidence is really arrogance, charm comes from him being a player, and his passion is being the center of his own universe.
The jerk sniffs out our insecurities and uses them to reel us in with compliments that eventually turn into criticisms. And if we see a red flag, like the time my “learning experience” told me his definition of a relationship was “light, fun and physical,” we play mind games with ourselves. We use our normally rational inner voice to convince ourselves that we can tame him or that with the right kind of girlfriend he will lose his jerk armor and transform into a leading man fit for a romantic comedy. Come on ladies, what are we thinking?!
A jerk loves being a jerk — way more than he loves us. I guess if they’ve always gotten away with treating people poorly and nobody ever set them straight, why would they change? Besides, a jerk seems to always have an attractive woman on his arm laughing at his mediocre jokes and ignoring his wandering gaze. How? I think it’s because deep down every woman wants a challenge or a little danger. It’s not really the jerk we like; it’s the thrill of the chase, the rush of adrenaline when the jerk’s phone number pops up on our cell (which is usually right after last call).
However, it’s been my experience that “jerkdom” isn’t some phase we can pull a guy out of. Guys only outgrow that phase when life no longer succumbs to their demands. Any woman who has dated a jerk for more than a week knows that it’s a hollow relationship that ultimately leaves you disappointed, hurt, and commiserating with your friends.
The only challenge worth overcoming when dating a jerk is to not let him affect or define your self worth. So if there is a jerk out there making your heart go pitter-pat and estrogen is messing with your reasoning, go ahead and let him woo you, but when he asks for your number tell him that you only date guys who prove their value by respecting a woman. If he’s a jerk he’ll roll his eyes, say you have an attitude and snicker as he leaves. If he sincerely accepts your ground rules, then chances are you should give him at least one date to prove he’s relationship material. Although you may not be spellbound at first, the nice guy without all the smooth answers may ultimately fulfill your needs in more meaningful ways.
HE SAYS: As much as I hate to say it, girls love jerks! At least until the jerk stops calling, which is usually right after he gets what he wants. Speaking from the guy’s perspective, I’ve never quite understood what draws sane, attractive, bright women to guys who act like jerks. Maybe it is the thrill of the unexpected. Maybe it is trying to outplay him in his own game. Maybe it is hoping that deep down he is a nice guy and you are going to prove it to your naysayer friends. What I do know is that too many women who could easily be in a healthy relationship instead choose the cliffhanger ending of dating a jerk that walks with a swagger, winks at anything that moves, and always has a one-liner at the ready.
Truth be told, there aren’t many nice guys who haven’t considered acting like a jerk, especially when they steal your girl (here I speak from experience). However, daydreaming of jerkdom fades as soon as nice guys remember one thing: being a jerk means acting like a jerk all the time. That means causing the mental pain and emotional anguish that drives a girl to phone her friends — guy friends included — crying about what the jerk did to her in public on their first date. Even guys bear the brunt of girls who fall head over heels for jerks.
Read the full article here.
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Stumble It!
March 1st, 2008 at 10:34 pm
In his syndicated radio show, Tom Leykis ADVISES his young male listeners to behave like a-holes precisely because women are more likely to have sex with a-holes.
And guy after guy phones in to announce to Tom and his listeners that IT WORKS!
Women tend to be so uncertain of themselves around men who behave like a-holes that they are willing to engage those men in sexual intercourse.
Forget being a “nice guy”, unless you enjoy being a doormat, at least as far as the dating scene is concerned.
March 2nd, 2008 at 3:46 am
He says: ” I’ve never quite understood what draws sane, attractive, bright women to guys who act like jerks. Maybe it is the thrill of the unexpected. ”
She says: “confidence is really arrogance, charm comes from him being a player, and his passion is being the center of his own universe.”
Women are marvellous at projection. Unexpected? She sees herself in the ‘jerk’ and loves what she sees. She is the arrogant one – just watch her, listen; she is the player getting you and him fight over her; she is the centre of her own Universe – “I am empowered. I am WOMAN, hear me roar”. confidence is really arrogance, charm comes from him being a player, and his passion is being the center of his own universe.
By 16 she is convinced by women’s own rhetoric. She learned it at her older sister’s feet. She is the relationship expert, with empathy and understanding of feelings pouring from every night-cleansed pore; she is the communications expert, skilled beyond any male at conflict resolution, compassion, ‘dialogue’. But rather than actually acting on these superb qualities and skills she knows deep down that she hasn’t any of such sort. What he ‘knows’, ‘intuitively’ is that men only want one thing and guess what – it’s what SHE wants. Whooda Thunk!
Hear how she segregates Men !! ™ into Jerks and Boring.
She wants ‘excitement’. Really? Boring chaps don’t ‘excite’ her. She says: “deep down every woman wants a challenge or a little danger.” So do most men at that age but do they go for jerkesses? I guess they have little choice. Jerks and Boring alike all get Jerked.
March 2nd, 2008 at 3:56 am
Yes. The terrible truth is that girls (and women) can be real jerks. It’s one of those areas where they don’t need a political movement to gain equality (and beyond).
March 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
One of the points that I forgot to mention in my first post regards the tendency of HOTTER women to have sex with men who behave like a-holes, particularly when they receive “backhanded compliments” from those men.
For example, telling a hottie that “those few extra pounds” don’t detract from her looks at all is a classic.
Not returning women’s phone calls, not being reliable, not taking them out to expensive eating establishments, not throwing gifts at them, providing plenty of backhanded compliments all work to break down women’s egos, particularly in the case of more attractive women……..
They begin to wonder “what’s wrong” with themselves and end up putting out for those men actually triggering those women’s latent insecurities.
Jerks, a-holes get laid by relatively attractive women….. and when those women are starting to show signs of wear, tear, and gravity, they start to target “Poindexters” – those “nice guys” that they have been ignoring until then.
So Poindexter gets to give her a nice expensive rock, assume her debt, become a father for HER children and become her doormat as the wrinkles start to show……
……………….but only after she’s spent a decade or two with her ankles back behind her ears for any number of “jerks”.
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:34 pm
And for those individual who believe that men need to treat women “with respect” simply because they were born with a vagina instead of a penis, this just came in on foxnews.com:
“”Women lie as a survival technique, but also to get what they want,” Susan Shapiro Barash, author of “Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie,” told the New York Post.
Barash interviewed 500 women nationwide and found 75 percent lie about how much money they spend, while more than 60 percent admitted to cheating on their husband.”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,334381,00.html
60% of the 500 women sampled in America admitted to cheating on their husbands.
But in their self-centered, egocentric little estrogen-washed brains, their cheating must be men’s fault!
March 2nd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
The funny thing is for all the talk of men “thinking with their little heads” it’s women who actually think with their clits.
They are actually the ones COMPELLED to do insane things as stated (so well by so many) above.
It comes down to sex selection, and increasing the odds for your children. In terms of technological evolution, mankind has really spent a great many generations in the hunterer/gatherer state. Mankind has spent a lot of his evolutionary clock “on the cusp” of being wiped off the globe.
Back in those days it was survival of the species time. If you think about tribal times and having negotiations on splitting the provisions, it would almost be like having a DAILY high-powered wage-negotiations. The simple fact is the tribe probably won’t ban somebody from the tribe for being a hard-ass. But they might give him a little extra cut (of whatever) to shut him up. A-holes (in tribal times) were probably A#1 choice for women to bed.
Any guy who is always ME ME ME, I deserve because I say so probably got the lions share (undeservedly) of items/food.
What women have is some kind of genetic holdover from hundred’s of generations of learned behavior.
This inherited behavior is SO POWERFUL and SO BASIC that they are literally COMPELLED to do this no matter what their beliefs, feelings, or intellect tells them. They are literally much much more a slave to their clit, than men are to their little heads.
March 3rd, 2008 at 9:06 am
I really think the worm is starting to turn in dating circles.
Things are shifting to the advantage of men. Especially as fourthwire stated shows like Tom Leykis (who I can’t get in my area) are letting the “cat out of the bag”.
Men go after beauty, women Marry docile industrious poindexters, but they F the brains out of jerks.
Well, it’s a hell of a lot easier for a man to pretend he’s a jerk, than for a woman to fake beauty.
As long as the laws are this misandric (and a vast majority of women take advantage of them–often destroying their own kids lives in the process), I think there is absolutely nothing for men to be total whoremongers well into their 50’s.
March 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
Nothing WRONG for men to be total whoremongers. Sorry had a typo.