You Have Two Cows…
Nobody’s Flash of the day: This is going around the “e-mails.” Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe not. There is no claim to authorship on it, so because I have no idea who wrote it, I can’t tell you. Nevertheless…enjoy.
HOW THE WORLD OF POLITICS WORKS; DEMOCRATIC: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You fell guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
AMERICAN STYLE BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the mild down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORTATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternative to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish’s cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLOIRIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking cow. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal’s. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
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I am a nobody. If the different classes of America were color-coded, I would be in your yucky brown, one rink up from the bottom. I grew up in Naples, Florida and live near the Mississippi River now with my husband and two dogs. I am part of the slowly disappearing middle-class. I was a musician most of my life;drummer/singer/keyboards---but I retired before the plastic surgery flu hit. I have no degrees, which could be a good thing...depending on how you view our educational system. I do have three patents...but that really doesn't make me a somebody. The one thing that is constant in my life is my OPINIONS...which I have more of than perhaps even Carl Sagan could have imagined, mostly political. Hopefully other nobodys will put their opinions on my site. But if you are a sombody...you're more than welcomed to help out. I will try to prove that sometimes nobody knows the answers, sometimes nobody cares, sometimes nobody wins, and most importantly...NOBODY is perfect. Please bear this in mind when you read my thoughts. I don't mean to offend nobody, it's all in good fun. | More from Joyanna Adams
Stumble It!
A dumb pollack joke. Sheesh, I haven’t heard one of those since the 5th grade. (I thought they were all transformed into blonde jokes.)
I’ll do my best to write a Polish version:
You have two cows. They are both incredibly endowed and have sweet milk but they won’t mate with a bull unless they’re formally married in a Catholic ceremony. Germans are constantly annoyed you sell better quality milk at a lower price but they can’t do anything about it.
(Next time you enjoy “Swiss” chocolate, it might be made from Polish ingredients.)
(I think it’s rather silly to joke about getting killed trying to “milk” a bull. One would think that a bull would enjoy being “milked”…)
Once again, amfortas says it best. Missed you Joyanna.
Gald to see you back, and where you should be Joyanna.
American Democrats
America has a white cow. It also has a pibald bull. The cow and the bull talk endlessly on TV. They moo and roar from field to mountains and back again. There is a huge amount of methane generated. The world heats up. Many people are Gored. They like the bull’s droppings but they elect the white cow to the White House.
Thanks for bringing back a classic!
I believe it was PJ O’Rourke who wrote this.
Though recently seemingly coined by Obama as a word with more profound meaning than it really has, the American Corporation cow joke here left out “change” and how they blather on about embracing change etc. In fact now American Corps are copying the Japanese (imagine that) and holding these meetings called Kaizan Events….and it means…..yep, Good Change.
So that needed to be worked into the joke about 2 cows and the American Corp.