‘Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family’
“Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family and help other families with what we are learning. It has been quite a process, unraveling the web of lies that I had spun. I apologize to our kids and now work to tell the truth to them and others.”
I recently received this amazing letter from Gaye, a reader, about Parental Alienation. She is a former Parental Alienator who turned her life around and is now trying to make amends. I salute her.
Nine U.S. states and the British territory of Bermuda have declared April 25 “Parental Alienation Awareness Day.” To learn more, visit www.Parental-Alienation-Awareness.com.
To learn more about Parental Alienation, see my co-authored column Protect Children from Alienation (Providence Journal, 7/8/06) or my blog posts on it here.
Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family
by Gaye
My husband and I met while in college and married shortly after I graduated from college. After our 2nd child was born, my parents came to visit. My husband was still finishing college and was working also. I rarely saw him and there were some problems, although minor. I made the mistake of sharing those problems with my parents when they visited. Their solution: “We’re taking the kids, you can come if you want.” So I left without saying goodbye and fled across country with a 20 month old and a 1 week old. It was very much like a kidnapping.
Once we settled, my parents pressured me to divorce my husband, based on a 1 year separation. My parents then proceeded to try to destroy my relationship with our kids. They projected all of the behaviors they had onto my ex and myself, saying we were abusive, crazy, horrible parents. Out of my pain, I in turn then worked at destroying our kids’ relationship with their dad. By that time, he had moved across the country to be near us, got a job, bought a house, and established himself in a community so he could see the kids and pay child support regularly, which he did. This went on for 16 years.
My life disintegrated drastically because of all of the anger and bitterness that I harbored and manifested towards my ex. I only thought I was hurting him by working at destroying his relationship with his kids. I didn’t realize I was hurting the kids. By 2004, I had been in the hospital 4 times with life threatening illnesses, lost my job at a law firm, gained so much weight that I was morbidly obese, and was addicted to Methadone, prescribed by doctors for the extreme pain that I was experiencing.
Unknown to anyone but our kids, my parents had also been abusing me for years…physically, verbally, and sexually. The turning point began when our daughter called the police the last time my mother beat me. We got out of the house. A former boss and a family member got me into detox and rehab. By that time, I was on 18 different prescribed medicines.
During the detox and rehab process, I was introduced to the 12 step program, through which I studied one of the steps that talked of thinking of ways you may have hurt others and God. Another step talked of asking God to forgive you and to make amends, where possible with others. I also received extensive counseling one on one, small group and large group while inpatient and outpatient. I was able to realize that I was wrong in keeping our kids from their dad. I decided to apologize and ask his forgiveness. I tried to contact him by phone first and he ignored me. I drove to his house and he wasn’t home. I left a note spelling out the apology and left a phone number. We had not seen each other or spoken to each other in 10 years, except at our daughter’s high school graduation. He was very wary of me at first, not trusting me that I had honestly changed and would not take him to court anymore or lie about him.
Over a period of several months of talking on the phone and dating me, he could see I was genuinely sorry and that I had begun the process of changing and telling the truth. We remarried. Then I began the process of reuniting him with our kids. I was shocked to discover it was not that easy. That was when I realized all the damage I had done to our kids. It took some time to figure out that also my family continued to work to destroy our relationship with our kids and still do, to this day. But, I persist and our son now calls his dad “dad,” which he never did before and tells him he loves him.
Our daughter is starting to ask questions about her dad, but still will not talk to him. Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family and help other families with what we are learning. It has been quite a process, unraveling the web of lies that I had spun. I apologize to our kids and now work to tell the truth to them and others. I have a real burden to help others that are now targeted to give them hope for reconciliation and healing.
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My wife and I are reading this right now. My ex is an alienator to the nth degree. We have tried and tried, but it only hurts my son. He turns 14 on 3/3. I keep praying that the situation can change. You gave me hope that it might.
I hope your kids come around. Live the life and watch them believe the evidence of a changed life.
Your Brother in faith
I am a husband. My wife, an alienator, was recently featured on this forum. She is a person that is working at life. Many of you were silent in your response to Gaye’s article. Some people seemed hurt and critical of others. I understand why you would be critical, as I am often not charitable in my judgment of others. For those of you that could see things as my wife and I did…Thank you for the compliments. I want to clarify some things that might assure you as to where I am coming from: 1. I would have remarried other women, instead, but that didn’t work out (I’m glad it didn’t work out). 2. My wife lost 68 pounds and people are telling her that she should model. You have probably heard of stories of fat chicks that USED to look gorgeous. 3. It was strange to think about dating, although my wife and I each dated others while divorced. 4. I hoped that Gaye would change, apologize, and come back. 5. The children were opposed to me remarrying others and later opposed me remarrying their mom. 6. My mother disapproved the idea of remarriage to anyone but Gaye. 7. I had resolved that I would remain unmarried until such time as I was convinced otherwise. 8. I was able to forgive Gaye, not because she changed, but because we both changed and because of our mistakes. We have been reunited for 3 years and I have never been happier. Like anything worthwhile, our remarriage is taking our working at things. One person stated that I was foolish to remarry Gaye. Why should this seem foolish? When two are married, they become like one another’s own blood. I was slow to forgive. It was a process and I am still having to deal with some residual bitterness about this and bitterness about other things. So my wife failed and disappointed me over and over. There is nothing heroic about a husband taking his wife back. Numerous of you realize that. We are all to blame for many irreversible things. That is the nature of sin. “yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward”. Job 5:7
So first she blames her parents for ruining her family, and then after she herself (over a ten year period) systematically destroys the lives of her husband and children is she “shocked” to realize that they all just can’t hold hands and be reunited – like nothing ever happened.
I don’t think she learned a damn thing, except that being obese is a bummer so she might as well return to mooch off the man, bring the drama with her, and once again be the center of everyone’s attention.
And she wants to use her experience to help others? She’ll fit in quite well with the ‘abused woman / I need help’ industry.
“Over a period of several months of talking on the phone and dating me, he could see I was genuinely sorry and that I had begun the process of changing and telling the truth. We remarried. Then I began the process of reuniting him with our kids. I was shocked to discover it was not that easy. That was when I realized all the damage I had done to our kids. It took some time to figure out that also my family continued to work to destroy our relationship with our kids and still do, to this day.”
1) This man should be canonized for the perseverence and selflessness he’s shown over these 10+ long years. Why he’d take back this woman, though…It is the only way he’d ever get a chance to reconnect with his kids. This is what the vast majority of men are like; decent, often persevering in the face of incredible spousal/legal abuse, and capable of loving their children with a depth that far exceeds that of the much ballyhood “relationship-oriented sex.”
2) If this woman knows that her mother and father are that fucked up, and if she wants to heal her own family, she should be as far away gepgraphically as she can be from them, and shut off all contact. If I were her Saint-of-a-Husband, I’d make that a non-negotiable condition of any reconciliation.
Psyco-Fat-Druggie-Evil Harridan…but hey, it’s her parent’s fault.
So, after destroying her husband’s life, her kid’s life and deservedly her own life…she wants back and the guy is dumb enough to allow him into his life…after all, it’s all her parents fault and she’s blameless.
“Rights without responsibility” is the definition of a child.
“Responsibility without rights” is the definition of a slave.
Not a happy ending, but how many women like her fit the first category?
As usual, female mentality prevents her from admitting that she is at fault. She lays the blame squarely on her parents.
I wonder what detox program she went to where she actually realized that it was her fault. Must be a one in a million detox program where the truth is actually told. I wonder if the feminazis are actually trying to shut it down.
Hell of a lot of blame put on everyone and his dog.
Women lay claim to be relationship experts, superior communicators and empaths of galactic order. The 12 step here is barely apparant tippy toe. But let’s assume that she is sincere in her sorrow and is trying to make amends.
Just how do you make amends for such devastation?
Husband’s life ruined. His hopes and dreams wrecked. The kids poisoned to within an inch of their life. A dickens of a task repairing that lot let alone compensation for it. And who is doing it? Well would you guess, HE is right in there sharing her burden.
That guy is a Saint. One on a fool’s errand, methinks, while she calims credit for herself.
Sorry. The cynic in me, after so many years observing and experiencing, says, let’s see a whole lot more before we start to smile.
That was a happy ending, I guess… But I wonder how it would have turned out if the alienated father had refused to take her back, but still wanted to be a father.