An interesting tidbit from an advice column. First the letter, then my response. From Wife always criticizing 'wonderful' husband (Toronto Star, 3/22/08):
"Dear Ellie:
"Q. My husband of three years is a wonderful husband and father whom I love. However, I constantly tell him when I feel that he's acting inappropriately or saying something that doesn't make sense.
"I believe that I do things the best way and that I know everything. Yet I know this is ridiculous and unfair to him. Though he'll get upset when I tell him these things, I still feel that, as his wife, I should tell him what I really think, e.g., if he's putting something together too slowly for me, I'll tell him how incompetent he is. I feel horrible when I do this but don't know how to shut my mouth.
"Controlling in Chicago
"A: I'm sensing a roar of responses from readers who, like your hubby, have had to deal with know-it-alls. I'm sure they're saying a collective, "Watch out!"
"Consider this possibility: Some day, your husband will find someone who lets him be himself, and he'll soon be putting things together, in just the right amount of time, for her.
"Start controlling yourself. Since you already recognize your oppressive behaviour is unfair (your children will come to resent it, too), start figuring out what in your past made you need to always be 'right' and the teacher of everyone. If you can't source and stop this compulsive drive, which is ultimately unhealthy for any of your relationships, seek professional help.--Ellie"
As for me, I'll give "Controlling in Chicago" credit for at least recognizing her behavior and wanting to change it. The advice columnist's response "Some day, your husband will find someone who lets him be himself" is dead-on accurate, but let me add a little bit.
Yes, someday he will find a woman who does like him for what he is, and with whom he isn't always wrong. He'll go to her and either have an affair or leave his wife for her. In either case, he'll be vilified for "betraying" his wife, "abandoning" his family, etc.
He'll be the bad guy and she'll be the long-suffering saint, and she'll make sure that one way or another their kids see it that way, too. The story will always be seen as woman good/man bad, and the husband's protestations that his wife mistreated him will be shunted aside and given no weight by anybody.
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rastus said,
I don’t know if therapy can help someone like her, but I would have told her to run, not walk, to a good shrink. And if I could advise the husband, I’d tell him (assuming it’s legal in his state) to hide a few cameras and microphones around the house to get as many of those incidents as possible on disk, just as protection against future accusation.
March 24, 2008 at 7:14 am
roger said,
hubby should just tell her, “dear, since you have the higher competancy in doing this task, I hereby assign it and all tasks similiar to it, to you.”
March 24, 2008 at 8:23 am
amfortas said,
Yes, he is likely to leave one day, but she ought to be maced and handcuffed, dragged from their home and thrown in jail, just as a man would be. No chance though. No chance she will have to go to a re-education program.
“I’ll give “Controlling in Chicago” credit for at least recognizing her behavior and wanting to change it”, says Glenn. Nice guy.
Hah !
“Oooh look at me. What a naughty woman I am. Teeheehee.”
March 24, 2008 at 8:30 am
Free Man said,
March 24, 2008 at 8:58 am
PolishKnight said,
I want to be tough on her, but Glenn is correct that she is the one writing the letter and not the husband and not to bash him, but rather ask about her own behavior. That puts her way above and beyond most such people (not just women) who believe their primary shortcoming in life is that they’re too humble and forgiving. No kidding.
If possible, it would have been ideal if she had married another man similar to herself. Believe it or not, they are out there: Men who are nitpicker “Monks” who thrive on avoiding mistakes at all costs and pointing out the shortcomings of others. Since she is already married with kids though, moving on is somewhat more difficult.
My wife showed some of these tendencies (though not as bad as this) and the therapy was simple: I just had her hang out with similar minded women friends and when they criticized her choices and decisions, and she wailed to me about it, I pointed out “Now you know how I feel when you do that!” Being the nitpicky type, she was quickly able to recognize such behavior in others when it was directed towards, or near her, and she learned to sympathize with me. She’s a totally different person in that respect now.
But yes, sometimes she does try to micromanage something I’m doing such as cooking dinner and I give her a choice: Either get out of the kitchen OR take it over and I’ll go watch TV. She does either one about half the time which is ok by me. By the same token if I’m not happy with something she’s doing I offer her the option of being relieved or taking very delicately worded criticism.
March 24, 2008 at 10:26 am
fourthwire said,
If he’s so incompetent, then why did she choose to marry him?
And what does her decision to marry an incompetent man say about her?
Don’t marry.
Don’t co-habit.
Don’t procreate.
March 24, 2008 at 11:39 am
conservativation said,
I always failed to understand why being beaten didnt leave emotional scars….but thats just my overly logical brain speaking into what is clearly best dealt with in the realm of emotions
March 24, 2008 at 7:39 pm
mdkn1 said,
I do like the hidden camera idea. He will probably also catch her with her lover as well.
March 25, 2008 at 2:53 am
Robert Stevens said,
|A man does not have to put up with a woman who wants to control him. I am a big boy and run my affairs all by myself, without some woman wanting to be my boss.
Now on the other hand, A woman who can take the situation in hand and manage things is a blessing, just along as she does not go overboard and start thinking she is “man” in the arrangement. If she acts as helper and you do the same, there will be bliss in paradise. No fights, few arguements and no serious difficulties caused by the relationship. But too many women today believe that they should run things and they believe the media propaganda that men are idiots. finding a woman who still knows she is the woman is difficult , but not impossible. I know I did!
March 26, 2008 at 10:34 am
emarel said,
“This was verbal abuse. As the cliche says, the scars of physical abuse heal, but these scars are for life…therefore this is worse than being beaten.
I always failed to understand why being beaten didnt leave emotional scars….but thats just my overly logical brain speaking into what is clearly best dealt with in the realm of emotions.”
Physical abuse does leave emotional scars, due to the realization that someone who should be loving and cherishing you is literally slapping, scratching, punching, gouging or kicking you, or pulling your hair, or attacking you with some object. Sure, the physical scars heal, but the sense of betrayal doesn’t.
March 26, 2008 at 11:14 am