Why the cougar phenomenon is more jarring than older man-younger woman romances
There has been quite a bit of publicity recently about “cougars,” older women in romances, sexual liaison, and/or marriages with much younger men. Some people wonder why this should be more jarring that its more common and acceptable reverse of older men in similar relationships with much younger women.
In fact, there are reasons that people in general may be more disturbed by an older woman-younger man pairing that its opposite. Those reason is rooted in certain facts of human biology.
Phyllis Schlafly has said, “It’s a fact of life. A man fat and fifty may still think he’s attractive to women. A woman fat and fifty is not attractive to men.” As is usual with statements form Schlafly, there is wisdom in this observation.
A man fat and fifty may THINK he’s attractive to women. He doesn’t have to actually BE attractive to us to have an extremely active romantic and/or sexual life. This is due to the biological construction of male and female genitalia. For sexual intercourse to occur, the male must be aroused. Sexual intercourse can occur in the absence of female arousal. This is part of the reason that heterosexual rape is usually a man’s crime but does not imply that heterosex in general is akin to rape. Rather, it means that we women may agree to have sexual intercourse for many reasons having nothing to do with arousal. If we are with a man who wants the act to be mutually fulfilling, we can also fake orgasms. This is also part of the reason that most heterosexual prostitution is that of male buyers and female sellers. As the late Margaret Mead observed, “Women are capable of prostitution under ANY circumstances whereas a man can’t pretend he has an erection when he doesn’t.”
This is one of the major reasons why liaisons between older men and younger women have generally been more acceptable than the reverse: we don’t have to believe that the woman is actually attracted to the man in the sexual sense. Men can be entranced by a pretty smile and even an acting job featuring some dramatic heavy breathing. Women to whom men feel no attraction are left with the honesty of the flaccid penis – or at least were until the recent invention of Viagra and similar drugs.
That we women tend to age out of our sexual attractiveness is not the result of a patriarchal plot but of human biology. The process of natural selection means that organisms with certain characteristics produce more offspring who in turn inherit those same characteristics. Thus, men are biologically programmed to be attracted to women who are of reproductive age. For millennia, those who had sex with women of reproductive age had descendants, who inherited the tendency to be attracted to young but post-pubescent women while those who were primarily attracted to post-menopausal women left no descendants.
On the other hand, women who had sexual intercourse with older men DID have descendants. Thus, young women are more likely to be – genuinely – sexually attracted to older men than young men are to be so attracted to women since we age out of the ability to reproduce while men do not.
Now, while the human male has a strong genetically based tendency to be attracted to females of reproductive age, there are factors that can confound this biologically based tendency. One is that older women have a powerful Oedipal pull on the psyche of a young man. Thus, while older women-younger men liaisons have been rare and socially frowned upon, they have always developed.
Why are they more evident in the 21st Century than in past periods? Partly because all sorts of romantic and sexual relationships are more open today. Older women and younger men who had such relationships might formerly have kept them quiet for fear of social disapproval and ridicule. Now they appear on Maury and Dr. Phil. Another reason is that modern people in the industrialized world do not age as badly as we used to. Improvements in diet and medical care mean that post-menopausal women often look more robust today than in previous eras. Cosmetic surgery and Botox have also done a lot to stave off the evidence that we are no longer of reproductive age.
However, recent advances cannot undo the results of ages of natural selection. I think it is unlikely that cougars will ever be as common as older men dating, having sex with, and marrying younger women. Social acceptability may be even more elusive as friends and family members continue to be unsettled by these types of relationships. Nevertheless, more people are having them and fewer are hiding them so to those who can make such relationships work: have fun!
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Posted in: Culture, Education, Entertainment, Feminism, Media, Men and Mating, Psychology, Science & Nature, Society, Vox Populi | 1,322 views
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Soooooo, a fine excursion around the atavistic biological drives but…. you know, the next thing you might turn your mind too is the psychological effects of contraception. Or hysterectomies. Bungs (whoops, ’scuse) a spanner in the works a bit, doesn’t it.
Anyway, on the surface I have to agree with your view here, about ‘cougars’ – interesting term. That word invokes issues that you don’t touch upon though. What does it mean to you? Associations-wise.
But you do touch upon an issue that almost skips by with guilty haste. The assymetric nature of arousal. And the power that provides to the lesser aroused.
I hear what you say about faking it. I don’t hear you talk of mendacities, the assymetric obligations. You did mention the ‘truth’ of a flaccid penis, a truth that is used against rather than respected, usually. When he is not aroused, she has to do the arousing. Not that such is difficult, but it is rarely seen.
Maybe the young man looks more lovingly to the older woman because she has topped playing demeaning sexual power-trip games that most women play. That she is grateful for his attention and, honest, love. That he isn’t about to be disappointed that the push-up bra hides an anorexic pimple or an over-easy fried egg.
At least until the botox wears off.
May 5th, 2008
Wow you managed to discuss almost every irrelevant point associated with the subject matter you chose.
Older woman younger man.
Man’s perspective. Cool I get to tap this ass all I want and I can still get a young hot chick either at the same time or I can just dump the old chick when something better comes along…….I can do this because despite the fact that she is still attractive she is older…..she will never bear my children…..there is no benefit to marrying her unless she is rich and I can get some easy cash by divorcing her later (RARE !) No one not even the older woman expects me to stick around for very long…..she is a piece of ass to me and I am an ego boost to her.
And no one seems to have a problem with older men / younger women.
Tom Cruise
Clint Eastwood
Dennis Kucinich
Fred Thompson
No one bats an eyelash
May 5th, 2008
amfortas: You did mention the ‘truth’ of a flaccid penis, a truth that is used against rather than respected, usually.
(Denise) It’s a truth that can be very painful to women who realize the man simply cannot be attracted to them.
amfortas: When he is not aroused, she has to do the arousing. Not that such is difficult, but it is rarely seen.
(Denise) If he is attracted to her, it’s not difficult at all: it’s easy.
If he is repulsed by her, it’s still not difficult: it’s impossible.
Again, this is one of my basic points: the fact that arousal MUST be present in the man and does not HAVE to be present in the woman (although it’s nicest for both parties when it is) has consequences.
May 5th, 2008
When I was much younger (barely legal), I had some liaisons with a woman who was older than my mother (in her 40s!). I was full of hormones, and happy to oblige her, and she was just as full of lust. She was completely uninhibited and taught me a lot about what to do and when to do it. It was a good experience that I’ve used in later relationships. So, I don’t think there is anything wrong with these setups, as long as there isn’t a third party being hurt by them.
May 5th, 2008
Few men fat (unless it’s his fat wallet and fifty feel atractive to women. In the book “Thy Neighbors Wife” Gay Talese wrote about how it wasn’t until he was 40 that a woman approached him in a sexual way because of attraction. Few men are ever patted on the ass and told they have nice lats, or buns, and let’s get to know each other because your body and face turn me on… it happens but it’s rare. It’s not common for women either but it’s not rare (No, not lats – smile)
You don’t find men believing that they must have a great car, cash, a “perfect” evening planned to get to hopefully get to “first base” at age 50 unless they are handsome, and or rich, funny and sexy too. You don’t have the penis described as an object that is a portal to heaven, or Holy of Holies (Scent of a woman and Pulp Fiction) in movies either.
Most of the men I have known, even in their prime, doubted that they were attractive enough without feeling some sense of having to put on a show… like wild birds, puffing up, showing off. Some hoped that if they worked hard, were kind, they could get a mercy F%$^&.
If men who are slightly above average were as attractive to women as women who are slightly above average are too men, the world would be much different than it is.
Strangers would be having sex at the the laundromat.
The reason women are more accepted as cougars is that we learn through the media that women smell good, are pretty, kind, loving and that their bodies are pure, vaginas are good – vaginas provide pleasure to both partners (sometimes) and babies come from there and sometimes men hurt women sexually. We are taught that men stink, penises are like missles, men are cruel and male bodies are ugly. For that reason a male having sex with a female who is very young defiles her while an older female with a boy – same age as the young girl – enhances him.
If not for such stereotypes you would not have women ignorantly stamping their feet and screaming in pleasure when an older women gets a girl drunk, and then has sex with a girl age 13 in the Vagina Mono… play where they would be reaching for their knives if a man had sex with a child getting him or her drunk first. In the play the line was “if it was a rape it was a good rape”
The problem is, a boy having sex with an older woman grows up to have sex with a younger girl thinking it’s OK … thinking that he is gods gift or an older woman would not have wanted sex with him, and then he goes to jail for defiling the girl thinking he was doing her a favor.
Later
SD
May 5th, 2008
(Denise) It’s a truth that can be very painful to women who realize the man simply cannot be attracted to them.
(Amf:)It is usually a temporary issue, Denise, especially with married couples, not a forever thing and certainly not a tragedy. (it should not even be a consideration with non-married ones) And why, if it is so painful to her, and she is the one who claims ‘empathy’ as a female sexual marker, why does she not see how painful it is to him when she isn’t instantly aroused by his body? That’s most of the time by your own admission. Does she not feel his pain? Maybe she is so overwhelmed by her own that his doesn’t register.
No, it is down to him to use the sweet words, the soft caresses, the showering with praise – and gifts. Not to mention moving the furniture around interminably and doing the friggin’ hoovering.
I asked about the assymetry. You offer a tear on her behalf. How about some sweet words of recognition.
What does it tell us about women that she sees the sky falling in just because a man does not get a hard on the instant she enters the room? Should men take up lying on the seeminly industrial scale that women do, and blame women to boot for having ‘fragile female egos’?
(Denise:)the fact that arousal MUST be present in the man and does not HAVE to be present in the woman (although it’s nicest for both parties when it is) has consequences.
(Amf:)Maybe she could try being nice when he has had a hard day and is facing a soft night. She is constantly banging on about being appreciated for her mind instead of her body but her mind seems to be a seeting mass of contradiction and taking advantage.
May 6th, 2008
amfortas said,
(Denise) It’s a truth that can be very painful to women who realize the man simply cannot be attracted to them.
(Amf:)It is usually a temporary issue, Denise, especially with married couples, not a forever thing and certainly not a tragedy. (it should not even be a consideration with non-married ones) And why, if it is so painful to her, and she is the one who claims ‘empathy’ as a female sexual marker, why does she not see how painful it is to him when she isn’t instantly aroused by his body? That’s most of the time by your own admission. Does she not feel his pain? Maybe she is so overwhelmed by her own that his doesn’t register.
(Denise) The point I’m making amfortas is that, at least pre-Viagra and similar drugs, men could not have sex with women who were REPULSIVE to them. Men do not have erections most of the time. They get erections in response to arousal. Thus, they will not be able to have sex with women to whom they are repulsed. OTOH, a woman can agree to allow a man’s penis to enter her vagina regardless of how she feels toward him.
amfortas: No, it is down to him to use the sweet words, the soft caresses, the showering with praise – and gifts. Not to mention moving the furniture around interminably and doing the friggin’ hoovering.
I asked about the assymetry. You offer a tear on her behalf. How about some sweet words of recognition.
(Denise) Although it is not necessary for sexual intercourse to take place, the vast majority of men want to be found attractive by their sexual partners.
amfortas: What does it tell us about women that she sees the sky falling in just because a man does not get a hard on the instant she enters the room? Should men take up lying on the seeminly industrial scale that women do, and blame women to boot for having ‘fragile female egos’?
(Denise:)the fact that arousal MUST be present in the man and does not HAVE to be present in the woman (although it’s nicest for both parties when it is) has consequences.
(Amf:)Maybe she could try being nice when he has had a hard day and is facing a soft night. She is constantly banging on about being appreciated for her mind instead of her body but her mind seems to be a seeting mass of contradiction and taking advantage.
(Denise) This is why aging is a two-edged sword for women. A woman with gray hair, a face that is a mass of wrinkles, and a worn and flabby body may find herself better able to build platonic friendships with men specifically because she has aged out of the sexual game.
May 7th, 2008
I think this article is so pathetic. Couldn’t you find anything else to attempt to make Cougars look bad? Quite frankly some younger men are attracted to older women, as are younger women attracted to older men. Period. Don’t give us this biological theory nonsense. Cougars are women in power that have every right to go out and get whatever they want. Men do the same thing and if you ask me there is no bigger turn off then a guy who can’t get it up. Guys are right out there hunting for their young “preys” as well. Got a problem with a female trying to do the same thing? If so, I think you need to take a few classes on culture and today’s society patterns. And NO, Amfortas,we do not see the sky falling in because some guy doesn’t find us attractive. We move on to the next guy. We get over it, where as you men seem to have to lick your wounds every time you get rejected. This is beyond the most pathetic article I have ever seen. Written by a women,and someone who probably makes more than the person who wrote this ridiculous article.
July 31st, 2008
Twice in one day, Jane188. And again some point of agreement heavily disguised as disenting response for some reason. – “And NO, Amfortas, we do not see the sky falling in because some guy doesn’t find us attractive. We move on to the next guy. We get over it, where as you men seem to have to lick your wounds every time you get rejected.” It was Denise who seemed to think that women get all uptight when a man doesn’t get an erection. You even seem to agree with her on that score. I am not sure what your point is. Men learn to deal with rejection by the time they are 14. Most women never get the practice. But the vindictive, rejected woman is the stuff of novels and – Denise’s speciality – crime accounts.
July 31st, 2008
janell88: "Don't give us this biological theory nonsense." I take it then that you are a creationist, that God made the world in six days, etc.
The article does an excellent job of explaining to laypersons the OBSERVED FACT that we are apparently "hardwired" to accept older male / younger female sexual relationships, and not vice-versa – because, namely, younger men in their sexual prime that have squandered their resources (time, effort) on post-menopausal women have, historically – FAILED to procreate. It lessens their Darwinian fitness.
May 8th, 2009