There are libraries full of dysfunctional psychological books about how marriage is an impossible proposition. Prior to the feminist revolution, most books were about how to establish a marriage or how to make one better.

One of the reasons marriage is on the rocks is because most of us are programmed from birth to fear the opposite sex and to adopt behavior patterns and beliefs that make it impossible to find a good marriage partner, and make us poor marriage partners as well.

Both men and women must fully understand that feminism is an optional illness. Anyone who wants a good marriage can set a path, beginning this moment, to achieve a happy book of life.

There are many very nice women out there. Men brought up under feminism tend to fall for feminist signals: the bellybutton show at the mall, makeup and cute clothing, “attitude”, or waifs needing to be saved from themselves.

There is no instruction manual on how to choose a good wife or husband (or how to prepare yourself to be one), so many go quietly about their lives or make uninformed choices in a partner, ending up another unhappy divorce statistic.

Men in “protection mode” tend to vacillate wildly between avoiding meaningful relationships with women (to protect themselves from ending up another divorce statistic), going berserk latching on to one night stands, or trying to have affairs with married women (which safely cannot go anywhere). This inevitably ends up with a beleaguered trip to the men’s abuse center (more commonly known as a “bar”, and too often a terrifying trip for a paternity test.

Women also have problems finding good men. Many men are terrified of serious relationships and marriage, and justifiably so. Few men know what to look for in a woman, so they do not look seriously. Women who have one foot stuck in feminism are likely to present themselves in feminist ways that have the effect of attracting only men looking for a hookup.

Women stuck in feminist thinking have tremendous difficulty choosing a sane male or keeping one. Feminism expects women to be perfect, overly independent, and strong. At the same time, it tells they they should collapse in tears as victims when some wrong is imagined. Feminism dislikes men who are strong, and also denigrates wimpy feminist men who behave like servants and furniture around the house.

In feminist theory, there is no such thing as a “good man”. The emotions rule the intellect, with no exceptions. No wonder so many women become strippers.

Let us look at what feminism does to men and women in simple psychological terms. Feminism strongly encourages psychologically-dysfunctional behaviors by both men and women.

Feminism slyly defines relationships in terms of “power-plays”, meaning that men and women both try to be on top of a “one-up, one-down” relationship. “Victim-feminism” is just another word pair describing a destructive combination of “aggressive-aggressive” and “passive-aggressive” behaviors guaranteed to ruin any relationship.

Trust cannot be built within this framework. At the same time, defense mechanisms tend to be in high gear. Rules are more important than building a relationship. Those who conduct themselves at this level tend to have trite relationships at the local singles club for years on end.

To grow out of feminism, one must identify the dysfunctionalities one has adopted, and walk away from them entirely, and then make a constant and conscious effort not to fall back into them when things start getting “comfortable”.

There is another way to live. It is entirely possible to find women (and men) who are good marriage partners, if one knows what to seek and what to avoid. This piece, containing a simple toolbox of litmus test questions, can help you evaluate a potential marriage partner with a fairly high degree of certainty.

This toolbox can also help you change your game and the shape of your emotional gears, removing your self-defeating defense mechanisms, while providing a very clear image of what to wisely avoid. When one knows what to avoid, arbitrary defense mechanisms are no longer necessary.

Over the past twenty years, I spent thousands of hours doing group support work with divorced men, women, and second marriages, and thousands of hours doing co-dependency treatment support work. I have helped many men who, after recovering from the grief and agony of divorce, were ready to try again – but (as before) still did not know how to find a trustworthy partner.

In my support group work, I developed a list of simple questions any man or woman can use to accurately assess a potential life partner. Some of the questions below refer to divorced women (or men), and some to all women (or men).

Second wives can be far better marriage material than their inexperienced never-married counterparts who have stars in their eyes and expect a huge wedding and a rock the size of a bowling ball.

Many divorced women who followed the feminist prescription of “divorce for the hell of it” find out that being a single mother makes marriage look pretty darned good. These women have realized that having to “do it all”, and work a full time job, but have less net income, without a supportive marriage partner is torture.

I often refer to second wives as “recovering feminists”. They learned from personal experience that feminism has hurt them deeply, and want little to do with it.

By the same token, “second husbands” who also learned from their prior marital mistakes can be a much smarter choice for women than that flashy young fellow whose only knowledge of relationships comes from hookups.

Being a good marriage partner requires much more than walking away from feminism. It also means a lot of work on oneself changing habits and thinking patterns that have been deeply ingrained. A good marriage is based on a healthy form of mutual interdependence, not unhealthy forms of dependence. Two one-leggers do not make a marriage that walks.

I also suggest that young, mature never-married men who find their pouty, immature female peers terrifying should seriously consider the unthinkable: more mature divorced women who do not play silly high-school games, who have already made all the mistakes of youth, who have grown from their mistakes, and who are not about to repeat them again. By the same token, more mature young women should not be afraid to consider older men. In both cases, professionals commonly recommend an age differential of not more the ten years.

Below is a list of very simple questions you can use to help evaluate whether or not a woman (or man) is good marriage material. Some of the questions are more important than others. Generally, when someone fails one of the tests, there will be many others they will fail too.

Sometimes women (and men) do not take off the “dating mask” and show themselves until nearing the altar. You must be prepared to walk away right up until the time the marriage vows are said, no matter how much you are enamored, if the red flags of dysfunctionality start waving wildly.

Love must be a decision first, and feelings second. Love built on infatuation or unhealthy forms of dependency will nearly always end up in disaster.

Questions to help you wisely choose a good wife (or husband)

Ask yourself these questions about the person you are considering as a potential marriage partner. For women, change the sex from “she” to he”.

• If she already has children, does she yell and scream at her kids or call them “stupid” frequently? If she does, you are next in line.
• If she is divorced, does she always talks badly about her ex? If she does, get to know him. If he’s not a jerk, run!
• If she has children does she exclude the father by always referring to them as “my children”.
• If she has children, is she encourage letting them see their father?
• If she has children, does she raise them by leading them into good behavior, or does she prefer scolding, punishing, or spanking them constantly?
• If she has children, does she insist on handling all discipline, and undercut you when you need to act? Is she willing to let you play a serious role as a parent, or is she just looking for a babysitter with no authority? (Note: you do not have to pretend to be the “real” parent. Both parents in a marriage must have equal parental authority, and both parents must uphold the other parent’s authority, otherwise children will “triangle” the parents off each other and manipulate them to get what they want, causing serious friction between the parents.)
• Is she unreasonably permissive or authoritarian in her style of child discipline?
• Does she take responsibility for her emotions, or hold everyone else responsible for them?
• Does she use false displays of anger to scare you into doing what she wants?
• Is everything a big deal and an emergency?
• When she makes decisions, does she do it calmly or with a lot of emotional involvement or indecision?
• When she does make decisions, does she constantly second-guess them and frequently change her mind later?
• Is she responsible, predicable, and reliable?
• When she makes a mistake, does she take full responsibility for it, apologize to anyone her decision might have impacted, and make reasonable amends?
• Does she respect you for not subscribing to feminism?
• Does she value your differences in interests, and take time to value them? Does she sometimes criticize you because your interests are different?
• Does she expect you to both have all the same interests?
• If you have as good a job as you can get given your employment qualifications, and you are taking steps to improve your career or earning ability, is she critical of you anyway?
• If you become unintentionally employed, and you are doing everything you can to seek reasonable temporary or permanent employment, does she belittle you anyway?
• Is she forgetful?
• Is she chronically late without good reason?
• Does she lock her keys in the car frequently, run out of gas frequently, miss highway exits often, have frequent migraine headaches, or fall up or down stairs a lot?
• Does she ever say “If you loved me, you would _____, to manipulate you into doing what she wants?
• Does she spend a lot of time feeling sorry for herself?
• Does she pout or burst into tears whenever things don’t go her way?
• Does she ever hint about attempting suicide to get you to do what she wants or to make you feel sorry for you?
• Does she expect you to “walk on eggshells” around her emotions?
• Does she say that she loves you one day, and hates you the next?
• When she has had a rough day, is she capable of letting you know nicely so you know not to bring up major items or disagreements for discussion?
• When you nicely let her know you have had a rough day and that you are in a bad mood, is she tactful in not pushing you?
• Does she have a lot of bad days? Is she in a bad mood much of the time?
• When she has a rough day, does she take it out on you, her children, her parents or friends, or her pets?
• Is her dog or cat friendly and well-balanced? If the animal spends a lot of time hiding and avoids her — pay attention to what the animal knows.
• If she was previously married, is she openly able to admit her mistakes that killed the last marriage? Is she repeating them on you?
• Is her use of alcohol, drugs, or pharmaceuticals associated with “having a bad day” or as an emotional prop? Does she ever get really drunk or high?
• When she gets angry or upset, does she leave and then disappear for hours or overnight without her whereabouts being known?
• Does she hide alcohol or drugs around the house and use them secretly? Does she hide her use of alcohol or drugs from you?
• When you go out, does she refuse to go to events where alcohol is not served? Does she bring alcohol herself if she does go?
• Do her closest friends drink a lot or use drugs?
• When you go to parties, do you see her finishing off other people’s drinks before leaving?
• Does she have a lot of mood-altering pharmaceutical drugs around the house? Does she frequently get prescriptions for more mood-altering pharmaceuticals? When she is having a bad day, does she run for a pill to fix the problem? Does she mix them with other drugs or alcohol?
• If she is in Alcoholics Anonymous or a similar program, has she been demonstrably clean and dry for at least four years? If she is in one of these programs, does she ever use any mood-altering chemicals, pharmaceuticals, or alcohol? Does she have any of these items around the house?
• When she has free time, does she prefer watching Oprah, Jerry Springer, feminist entertainment, or other trash TV?
• Are there trashy love novels laying around her house?
• Is her house a messy disaster area, or does she keep it insanely clean?
• Does she spend a lot of time writing in a diary that nobody is allowed to see?
• Does she muse about being a stripper or a prostitute? Has she ever been one?
• Does she muse about trading boyfriends for a few days, or being a swinger?
• Does she spend a lot of time with girlfriends who she is helping get divorces?
• Does she ever slap, hit, or kick you to get what she wants, or threatened to do so?
• Is she capable of calmly working out minor disagreements most of the time without losing her temper?
• When she is angry about something, does she often mis-state the events that transpired to justify her position or her anger?
• Does she ever go “off the wall”, running around the house or up the street yelling senselessly?
• Does she create situations in public embarrassing to you to manipulate you into doing what she wants?
• Does she ever pull the “invisible jury” on you or others to beat them into submission, i.e. “Everyone I know thinks that _____”?
• Does she threaten to throw you out or break off the relationship to get what she wants?
• Is she into “revolving door relationships”, throwing you out to get what she wants, and then begging you to come back or waiting for you to beg?
• Is she comfortable spending quality time at home with you and the kids, or is it just a place to crash and throw dirty clothes around?
• Is she “addicted to excitement”, i.e., arguing, fighting, crying, drinking, gambling, or chasing or flirting with other men?
• When things normal, happy, and going well, does she see that as “boring” and do things to create an uproar?
• Does she flirt with other men a lot?
• When you are in public, does she introduce you to her friends and make a place for you in the circle of conversation, or does she act as if you are not there?
• Does she make lists of things for you to do, and then get angry if you don’t do them according to her schedule? Or is she happy when you do something around the house to contribute, and show appreciation for it?
• When you do simple things such as cooking, housework, or driving, does she get angry if you don’t do things exactly her way? Does she move in and tell you she will do it if you do not want to do it her way?
• When you are discussing how something should be done, if you have more knowledge or experience on the subject than she does, is she willing to defer to you, or does she insist that you do it “her way” regardless of the consequences?
• Does she write up a “contracts” to make you do what she wants?
• Is she grateful for the good things in her life, or is her primary focus on the negative?
• Is her heart constant, or does she practice “conditional love”.
• Does she expect a conditional relationship: “If I do this, then you must do that”, or “if you don’t do this, then I will ____ ?
• Does she freely give to the relationship, while graciously appreciating your willing contributions?
• Are “rules” more important than maintaining a good relationship?
• Does she demand apologies when you have done nothing wrong?
• Does she regularly take minor issues and emotionally turn them into crisises of major proportion?
• If you are not doing anything wrong, do you find her secretly looking through your things frequently?
• Does she demand that you tell her everything about past girlfriends?
• Does she demand that you love her “her way”, or does she let you love her as you are naturally capable and demonstrably appreciate it?
• Is she as interested in growing a relationship above the beltline, or more interested in one below the beltline?
• Does she value and appreciate lovemaking as “your gift to her”, and accept it unconditionally, or does she see it as a chore that she has to do, and act resentful?
• Does she ever lie about using birth control, or appear like she does not care if she gets pregnant? Does she dislike it if you take birth control seriously?
• Does she appear pre-focused with having children – and you simply being a means to accomplish that end?
• Does she withhold sex to get what she wants?
• When she misunderstands something, or things don’t work out as she wanted, is her first response to become angry or combative and blame the situation on somebody else?
• Does she accept you for who you are today, or is she always saying things like “you should ______”.
• Does she fight constantly on the phone with her mother or father?
• Has ever said that she is looking for her “knight in shining armor”?
• Does she spend a lot of time focusing on male Hollywood stars or rich athletes, and muse about how much she would like to get one for herself?
• Does she lie on welfare forms to get additional benefits she is not entitled to?
• Does she lie to collect on car or house insurance?
• Does she have a lot of credit card debt and a nasty shopping problem?
• Is she happy living within her means? Does she talk about needing a rich guy to take care of her?
• Does she appear to be more interested in your money than you? Does she seriously muse about being rich one day?
• Does she spend a lot of money on lottery tickets, or gamble more than very occasionally?
• Does she expect you to “disappear” when an ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, her parents, or her friends come around?
• Are there certain days of the week that she does not want you to call her?
• Does she say she is too tired or sick to do things with you, but then she goes out to do something else instead?
• Does she lie about being sick to play hooky from work?
• If she is religious, is it to the extremes?
• If she is religious, does she live the principles or simply mutter the words and then do what she wants?
• If she is atheist, does she believe in a power higher than herself, and trust in that higher power to help her through difficult times?
• Does she work for a women’s abuse center or similar volunteer service?
• Is she an attorney or work for one as a paralegal?
• Is she overly anti-dependent (“I don’t need you”) or overly dependent (“I can’t live without you”)?
• Does she see marriage as a relationship of healthy interdependence, or an avenue for “being taken care of”?

Questions to help you wisely be a good wife (or husband)

Take the above points, and insert yourself in the questions. If you find yourself doing the above, you probably are not ready for marriage.

You will not be ready for marriage until you can walk into a room and find yourself naturally attracted to the healthy people of the opposite sex in the room. If you walk into a room with 100 women (or men) in it and you always pick a dysfunctional date every time, you are not ready for marriage. You must reshape your own emotional gears before you will be ready for marriage.

This process takes time and a great deal of brutally-honest self-examination — perhaps under the guidance of a good tough-love or co-dependency counselor for a minimum of one year. This sounds like a scary thing to do because we are often our own worst enemies. I can assure you from personal experience that this journey is tremendously meaningful and will likely result in a fabulous outcome that is far better than the alternatives.

Misery and loneliness are optional illnesses. When you get truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will do what you need to do.

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David R. Usher is Senior Policy Analyst for the True Equality Network, and President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children, Missouri Coalition

© 2008 David R. Usher

All Rights Reserved

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