Learn to Screen Her Baggage
Lessons from Childhood
Have you ever argued with your girlfriend or wife and realized — after hearing her words and voice tonality, viewing her facial expressions and body language, weighing the facts of the situation, and objectively assessing your personal behavior — that she was fighting not with you but with her father, mother, siblings, ex-boyfriends, or ex-husbands?
Of course you have, and I’ll bet it was recently. She hurled phrases, displayed fears, and used battle tactics that seemed incongruous with the matter at hand and inappropriate for you. Striking a chord yet? Congratulations! You know how to spot her emotional baggage. Now the question is, will that baggage ruin your journey?
What is baggage? Emotions from her childhood home or previous relationships and marriages that affect her current attitudes and actions. Her ability to resolve conflicts with you is a function of the age, size, weight, and style of her baggage.
There are three categories of conflict in the childhood home. The two polar extremes are 0% conflict, where her parents never argued at all, and 100% conflict, where they argued incessantly. I believe both of these to be detrimental to children.
If one’s parents never argued, they lived a somewhat superficial, disengaged life — with certain topics never broached, emotions never revealed, and words never uttered. Accordingly, with all that avoidance, there was no reason for conflict.
But, all people who are fully intermeshed have conflicts of one kind or another, at various times, whether they be spouses, paramours, business partners, or fellow citizens. Navigating those conflicts in healthy, constructive, respectful ways is the secret to successful human relations.
Navigation Skills
So, it follows that the child raised in an environment of either zero conflict or total conflict never learns those navigation skills, because he never sees adults successfully resolving conflicts and loving each other afterwards. Interestingly, this child, as an adult, will seek two extremes in mates: either one who is passionless, boring, and “safe,” or one overly emotional, anarchic, and given to explosive fits. The common thread in these two extreme relationships is the lack of closeness, confidence, and trust — and lots of avoidance.
The fundamental difference between the child of round-the-clock conflict and the one from total calmness is the amount of emotional baggage. Anyone emerging from a battle zone will carry forward some of the characteristics of that zone. Look at soldiers returning from a war — some of them never recover from the post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
Consequently, the child who lived in his parents’ battle zone will mimic many of their words, thought processes, emotions, and actions. On the other hand, the child who never saw his parents fight will have a naive, unrealistic view of relationships, expecting his to replicate the artificial serenity of theirs, and will tend to avoid every future romantic conflict — even a healthy one.
The third case is the one in which the child’s parents had only occasional conflicts (I believe 10-25% of the time is a healthy range) and resolved them quickly, rationally, and lovingly. The child who grew up in such a household is not only rare but extremely fortunate — considering the high number of miserable marriages, the 50% divorce rate, and the 40% out-of-wedlock birthrate. His skill for resolving conflicts — if he was paying attention to his parents — is likely the highest of all cases, as is his ability to recognize and choose a mate with similar skills.
Add the baggage of childhood to that of previous relationships and marriages, most people need porters to help them carry it all — because they make no effort to emotionally downsize. Even though this baggage prevents them from enjoying life and new paramours, they cling to it as Linus clings to his blanket in the Peanuts cartoon. It amazes me that people find comfort and security in discomfort and insecurity, but that’s what keeps psychiatrists’ couches full.
The NoNonsense Bottom Line
We are taught by a schizophrenic society, one that purports to love religion and politics, to avoid discussions of religion and politics. Nonsense. I say talk about everything with every woman you meet: money, sex, marriage, divorce, men’s rights, religion, politics, business, history, music, sports, and the culture wars. Only by getting into tough subjects can you expose her baggage — and yours. You want a modicum of conflict with her, to determine how both of you handle it.
Why would you become emotionally involved with a woman and not know your ability to navigate inevitable conflicts with her? Yet, that’s what most men do: wait until the wheels come off the relationship, especially in divorce, to find out. To avoid conflict, to avoid learning about your respective conflict-resolution styles, is to become Tiny Tim tiptoeing through and around her “two-lips.”
The Transportation Security Administration screens all carry-on and checked bags. Why? They are heavy and can be explosive. Because of rising fuel prices, American Airlines is now charging $15 for the first checked bag. Accordingly, every man must screen his woman’s baggage, because it can be heavy, expensive, and explosive — ask any divorce lawyer.
If you don’t learn to screen her baggage, the whole journey of your life could be filled with her parents and siblings and all her ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands, in absentia. If that’s not the trip you planned, and I’ll bet it’s not, here’s what to do: When your warning buzzer indicates her explosive baggage is aboard, ask her to ditch it. If she won’t ditch her baggage, ask her to deplane.
About the Author
Marc H. Rudov is a globally recognized radio/TV personality and author of 80+ articles and the books Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables (ISBN 9780974501727), and The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth (ISBN 0974501719). Mr. Rudov hosts The Marc Rudov Show, a radio talkshow for men, and is a regular guest on Fox News Channel’s Your World with Neil Cavuto and The O’Reilly Factor.
Rudov’s books, articles, blog, and podcasts are available at TheNoNonsenseMan.com.
Copyright © 2008 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.
| More from Marc H. Rudov
Stumble It!
May 25th, 2008 at 6:56 am
The problem is that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, with well over two-thirds of them filed by women. Plenty of “normal” women are wrecking their marriages, because our society provides them with all kinds of incentives for doing so.
Suggestion: when doing the screening, watch out for compulsive liars and hystrionics– that may mean the difference between that bogus PPO and that false rape or molestation charge. The good news is that female compulsive liars are easy to spot, if you’re deliberately looking for them. Just pretend to believe whatever they say, and encourage them to elaborate on their stories; soon they’ll be contradicting themselves, and you’ll know to run like hell.
May 25th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
The risks of divorce, and or false allegations are just too great. Don’t date or marry… Stay single, you’ll be glad you did.
May 25th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
i have found in my vast warehouse of experience, that a LOT of women live from lie to lie. the truth is just not an important part of their lives.
imho, this is a learned behaviour and a deadly form of this “baggage” marc talks about. she learns from a very early age, from whatever sources, that marriage is profitable/desirable for her.
that being said, be careful you don’t become a serial liar yourself when trying to deal w/ them. i am a man and meant to have women in my life. so i am forced to date, to even have a meaningful relationship at times, but not to marry. i am too wise to the ways of “family” court to ever do that again. but, when in a relationship with a woman you are required to lie about your motivation. it’s inevitable, after a set period of time the “M” word comes out. why? because she has a goal…to get married. as soon as just about any woman finds out you are not interested in marriage, she will have no more interest in you, and you instantly become that immature $%^& that just won’t grow up and commit; and, she will repeat that to anyone who will listen.
so you learn from her to lie, constantly. to not lie means to not be around women. and is that really an option?
May 25th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
My article has nothing to do with lying. Nothing. How you guys completely changed the topic is beyond me. I suggest you reread it.
May 25th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Hi Marc,
We all love ya, no disrespect intended. But we probably work off our own comments… Although, you topic was “Learn to Screen Her Baggage” we see it as pointless because dating and marriage are NOT an option. No disrespect to you or your article.
May 25th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Don’t let this happen to you. Lord know what ended up happening to these poor men!
http://mensnewsdaily.com/2008/04/17/rape-charge-slaughter/
May 26th, 2008 at 6:38 am
This is a really well-structured and well-written article.
May 26th, 2008 at 7:17 am
If you discuss religion, politics, and sports with every woman you meet, but don’t make any effort to determine if she’s a potential Faber or Mangum, then you are making flank speed for the rocks.
May 26th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Discuss anything you want here, sex religion, politics, mans rights, ……BUT do not discuss lying……..HERE
May 26th, 2008 at 8:16 am
conservativation,
It is proper to discuss the article at hand, when posting a comment, not to further your personal agenda by piggybacking that agenda off the author’s article.
If you want to become an author, reveal yourself (real name, please) and write your own material.
May 26th, 2008 at 9:38 am
“We are taught by a schizophrenic society”. (Marc)
that is so true.
according to the Medical Reference On-Line schizophrenia has as a major symptom – delusion.
delusion (Webster): something that is falsely believed or propagated. (propagated means passed on, as to our young).
i like the part about “only by getting into tough subjects can you expose her baggage – and yours”.
good stuff marc. we are on your side you know. just not in lock step.
but that whole piece did make me (like the others) think of constant lying, and how that too is baggage from the past. maybe even some of mine, as you pointed out.
May 26th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
In other words– this isn’t Womyn’s Studies! We’re allowed to think.
May 26th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
daveinga,
You don’t have to follow me in lockstep, but you do have to stick to the topic.
I will delete any piggyback pseudoauthor with his own agenda and topic. I’ve yet to see a multipost discussion about the negative effects of tolerating a woman’s baggage. Still waiting.
May 26th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Marc,
Very well written and easy to understand. Very valid points. I get in a lot of homes due to my work and get to see how a LOT of people live. You are correct in your assumed numbers, by my observations at least. There are quite few households where difficult subjects can be brought up and hashed out without some display of tantrums, silence, pouting, passive-aggressiveness and/or outright aggression. It’s sad really.
There are very few men OR women who are of the type you describe as extremely rare and fortunate. I think Marc’s point, his point in a lot of his writings, is that you have to look for them, and not settle for less. So many of us have simply quit. And “when you quit, you neither live nor win.”
May 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am
For an American male, it is safer not to marry, maybe even not to date.
I had similar test of character for a future mate, however, ultimately the test failed to protect me from losing what I valued.
I suspect that American men lose, with or without a personal test, mostly because of greed from women and the government’s divorce incentive system, for example, for no reason, unilaterally (one person decides) the woman will divorce you, then the government rewards her with your children, over 1/2 your property, while reducing her debt (you are ordered to pay her credit cards, mortgage, lawyer bills), and she also receives eighteen years of tax free income paid by you.
Hard to pass up such an offer (even for a guy), especially she now has the freedom to have sex with other men, while those same men pay her entertainment expenses.
An American marriage is essentially a government-sponsored woman’s lottery paid by ex-husbands. Why do you think woman look for men with good paying jobs? It’s the incentives stupid.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Based on the comments above, nobody has a clue what my article is about. That is proof positive that men do not screen for baggage — because they don’t even understand it.
This article is about YOU, not about HER. It is about YOUR ability — or, more appropriately, inability — to screen a woman’s baggage. Yet, I see that the same comments posted in all other articles, regardless of subject, are plastered here.
Instead of running on autopilot, parroting the same, old lines ad nauseam, try holding up a mirror to examine yourself and admit where the faults really lie.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:46 am
When it comes to women men are “visual.” FAR too “visual” and women know this and take advantage of them. Most men don’t screen for almost anything, if she has a nice body, and is cute they think she must be a great person. LOL
May 28th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Here is a classic example how being just a visual person can get you into trouble:
Merchant raiders are ships which disguise themselves as non-combatant merchant vessels, whilst “actually” being armed and intending to attack enemy commerce. Germany used several merchant raiders early in World War I, and again early in World War II.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merchant_raider
May 28th, 2008 at 11:36 am
By all means screen for baggage,even before women “grow up” and I use that term loosely, they have issues. These issues, are often, in combination to the lesser standards women are held to,create serious problems for men. The rebellious nature coupled with emotional baggage make for a very rocky relationship. And given the women attitude that they can do any damn thing they want without consequence, brother watch out!
Stay away from women like this, in fact I only half jokingly suggest to the younger guys, do an FBI background check on any woman you will date or get intimately involved with.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Joi said, May 28, 2008 at 10:46 am
‘When it comes to women men are “visual.†FAR too “visual‒
When I learned to control my lust for women (my head use to spin on my shoulders), I observed a shift in my ability to discern character and competency in a woman, among other things.
Today I use Billy Graham’s definition of lust – “two or more looks.” When you look at a woman with lust in your heart, you have committed adultery.