Come Meet Muffin! – A failed foray into children’s literature

If the fat EOC woman, who doesn’t want male-dominated jobs, says its Girlfireperson, its girlfireperson. And chapter nine makes reference to people who love to light fires, secretly, so they can fight them out again. Hehe.

But if that’s all you can say as a review I guess I shall have to be thankful. I am glad you enjoyed it. It is a small return on the enjoyment you give to us.

Many people have tried to write for children. Why, Denise, it is high time you had a go.

Even I have dabbled.

But one has to engage children with up-to-date concepts otherwise they see right through you. Modern kiddies are very hip. And such books have a PC censor to get past these days.

I did one along the lines of the old (40s/50s) Ladybird books on ‘People at Work’. That genre had a nice picture on one page with text opposite. Here it is for you to review with indications as to what the pictures would show. I think you will agree it is a step up from Oates’ efforts:

The Fire Station at Piddlewick Green.

Face page.

Here is a carefully planned reference book which will help to answer the many pertinent questions that lively, modern children ask.

Interesting and accurate information about the work and social milieu of the Fire Station is given within the limits of fairly simple vocabulary. Even children whose reading experience has been guided by politically correct educational theories will be encouraged by the carefully crafted text and illustrations to find out for themselves what they need to find and at the same time gain extra reading practice.

A FemiBird Easy Reading Book.

Title Page.

A FemiBird Easy Reading Book

People at Work

The Fire Station at Piddlewick Green.

By
A,M, Fortas, BA., BA(Hons)., MSc., PhD. JGC.
Air Vice Marshal , RAF (Retd)

With Illustrations by
Dr. D. B. Anner MD., BMBS., I.Acad o’Fart., BG., ORRA.

Page 1,

Picture: looking through a fire station door. A foreground man dressed in fire gear. Background fire tender, shiny red.

Here is a Fireman getting ready to do his job. He is the Fire Chief. He looks very strong and fit, doesn’t he. His name is Steve.

Firemen have to hurry all over the village to put out fires. See his shiny fire engine all clean and red. It has a bell. It is bright like that so you see it coming and get out of its way.

The Fire Chief didn’t see what was coming last year when the Equal Opportunity Commission lady visited.

She didn’t smile at all and she didn’t like his trousers. And she wanted a different coloured face too. Do you like Steve’s thick, fire-resistant trousers? They protect him from the flames. His shiny black boots look nice but she didn’t like those either. Her face was like his boots.

Page 2.

Picture. A line of firemen infront of the tender. One is sliding down a pole from upstairs.

Here are Steve’s friends, Bruce, Barnaby Puce, Arbuthnot, Cuddles and…. Tubbs is late but he is hurrying down the fireman’s pole.

That pole went in the first week after the EOC lady Inspected. It was Phallic, she said. Poles that offend female sensitivities are not wanted are they, unless they do plumbing. The firemen’s favourite barmaid is a Pole. She does one of her country’s cultural dances on Tubb’s pole now. The EOC lady would smile at that, I’m sure.

Firemen do a lot of training. Not just in the pub. Barnaby went on a course. And Cuddles. They went to learn about harassment. You can’t put fires out without a harassment certificate.

The nice EOC lady sent replacements though. They arrive tomorrow.

Page 3.

Picture. Outside the station, four crew (two female) practicing, . Water from a hose in a big arc falling onto a tray of fire. One woman in a tight sweater holds onto a hose. Slightly built but curvey. Short hair. The other coloured, wearing an African skirt and headdress.

The new team need to do a lot of training together. Leslie Behan and Jiousleswhyna Krishnaramavenkishli have joined the Firemen. Les is holding the hose and learning to put fires out. It all looks pretty hot, doesn’t it?

Look at her face. She doesn’t really like hoses. She had an unfortunate incident when she was three when she saw her Uncle’s hose. He was watering the garden with it after a party. I think that hose will go too, don’t you?

They have buckets on order. With nice handles. It might take a while for them to come but she is used to not coming. Les wonders how to say her new friend’s name on the radio. Maybe a shortened name like she has would be better. What would you call her? Do you have nick-name?

Page 4.

Picture: Fire Tender rushing down a street. Buckets hang from the side; ladder on top. The Chief’s car ahead with Les in the passenger seat. Smoke in the distance rising in a column.

Hurry, hurry, ring the bell. There is a fire in the Community Centre, next to the Women’s Centre, across from the Mother’s Club Building and just up the road from the Girl’s Special Educational Opportunities centre. They can’t miss it.

It has smoke pouring from it. Look at the smoke. But Les will get them there as she has the map. She got it from Steve’s office. She said she was just in there tidying. Isn’t that nice of her. Now she rides with the Chief. He drives, of course. He went on a course.

Les is going to show Steve the pretty route, around by the park and the farmer’s Market, across the old stone bridge and the barn where she met her live-in life-partner, and because she wants to avoid the busy High Street. There is a lot of traffic there. And a hairdresser that she hates.

Les knows how to turn the map as they go around the corners. And she hasn’t even been on the course yet. Isn’t she clever.

Page 5.

Picture: Back at the station. Les is filling in a form. The crew room is otherwise empty but outside, through the window, the crew is doing ladder climbing practice.

It isn’t all hurry. There is lots of paperwork in a fireperson’s job. And meetings.

After the fire yesterday when the Community Centre burned down before they got there, Steve called a meeting. That’s what Fire Chief’s do. They talked about map reading and radio protocols. Steve was a bit rude. He told the crew to do more practice on the ladder drill. He has a rude name for the ladder. I think he will be going on an Anger Management course soon, don’t you?

Les had struggled with her new friend’s name too, and tried to shorten it, But that annoyed her friend who criticised her pronunciation. She was rude as well. “Its Ewe, not Jew” she said. “And I am a Buddhist”. Les had cried. Les hated her like the hairdresser with the too-hot curlers. Steve made her do three push-ups. Brute ! Teamwork is hard sometimes.

But Les has been given some of Steve’s administrative work to do and is filling out forms. She has started with one to the EOC lady. That’s because Steve had told everyone to use more initiative. That’s a big word, isn’t it. But not a rude one.

Page 6.

Picture: Outside the window. Ladder, hoses hung up from a tall tower. A large stream of water being pumped out of the side of the tender. The crew trying to fill buckets. The African woman is as in a wet T-shirt competition. Off to one side a man with a camera.

They are all practicing with the new buckets. It looks hard filling them all with that fast water. Arbuthnot is trying to turn the tap down a bit.

Poor Jiousles is all wet. Her attractive traditional Nigerian costume is clinging to her and all the colour has disappeared. But she still looks very lovely, doesn’t she. Bruce thinks so. He is looking hard to see where all the pretty patterns were.

It was lucky that the man from the local newspaper was on hand to take a photograph so readers could see them practicing. Actually he was slightly annoyed a minute ago because he has colour film in his camera, but he’s cheered up now. He thinks it will be quite fine to show how hard things get for firepersons. He’s taking a close-up photo of Steve’s trousers too.

Les is watching Jiousles from the window and she’s impressed as well. And feeling quite damp too. She has forgiven her for being rude and will help her out of her wet things. Do you like to play getting all wet with water buckets in the garden, children? Or do you play with your Uncle’s hosepipe?

Page 7.

Picture: In the locker room. Lockers, bench, open window, door to shower. Steam from under the door. No people. Some pin-ups of Fire trucks on the wall.

Firepersons get wet a lot. And dirty. Its all that water and smoke and dust and carbon emissions. Jiousles is in the shower. She doesn’t mind hoses and is warming up under the nice hot stream. She is smiling.

Les has been helping her out of her wet clothes. They were cold and clammy. Not a bit like Les’s cool hands. Les is happy too. She is really enjoying being a fireperson, for the first time. She likes first times.

The newspaper man is delighted too because he saw Les being so helpful, taking off each of Jiousies’ clothes, with such carefulness. He saw them kiss and make up. He thinks his readers will like his photos. Well, the Editor will anyway.

Isn’t it nice that everyone is happy. It is important to be happy at work.

Page eight.

Picture: (From some distance away) Fire tender in a suburban street. Lots of police cars and swat cops and firemen. Fire tender at back. House. Superman on the roof.

Not every call is for a fire. Today the crew has been called because the ladder is needed. They are always rescuing cats from trees and dogs from wells. Today it is a man on a roof. He has a Superman costume on and the Prime Minister isn’t happy.

It’s Deputy PM Ms Harman’s house. It is just next door to Wee Gordie Broon’s mum and new partner’s home and the PM is threatening to play his bagpipes. He wants to scare Superman off Harriet’s roof. But he won’t come down.

Superman is an ex-father just like Mr Broon’s ex-father who now lives in a bedsit by himself in Macrahanish and he says he wants Justice. The Policemen don’t want Mr Broon to play, and they have automatic machine guns. They shoo’d him away.

The policemen weren’t happy with Ms Harman coming out and reading 12 hours of her speeches through a megaphone, either. An ambulance came for her. Superman is very strong but it was Arbuthnot who put the bucket of water over her head. Arbuthnot is a Father too. Steve will have company on his No Naughty Words course I think.

Page nine.

Picture: In the countryside. Fire tender parked by a field. Cow(s?) in the field. The crew standing by watching Les with a wheel brace in her hand.

Phew. It’s a good thing Superman took a shine to Arbuthnot. He climbed down the ladder all by himself after two days and went for a cuppa with the Policemen. They wanted to talk about Superman’s tights. Then the fire crew set off back to the station. But look, they have a flat tyre.

Its a chance for the new crew members to practice changing it. Every fireperson has to know how. Les tried the usual way, She stood by the wheel looking wistful. But that was worse than Jiousles who hitched up her skirt to show her legs. No one came by.

Good job they had plenty of water in their tanks for a cuppa. Bruce lit a fire. It surprised everyone. No-one saw him do it. There are some firepersons who are very good at lighting fires. They practice where no one can see them too. I hope someone remembered to put it out after or there will be more forms to fill in. I hope they managed to get the tyre fixed.

Page ten.

Picture: Les is in the Chief’s office. Another, long haired, blond woman sits at another desk. She has a very short skirt and a deep cleavage. A big microphone on Les’s desk.

More paperwork for Leslie. A woman’s work is never done. But she has help now, just like the cleaning lady she has at home. Les is the Chief Assistant to the Fire Chief now and is looking for an Assistant to the Chief Assistant.

Larissa still speaks only Lithuanian but both are women so they are excellent communicators. They empathise together. Les doesn’t let her near the radio though because the men are in the fire truck. Firemen don’t use empathy.

Arbuthnot is leaving to do that Course. That makes room for Larissa, and the Fire Chief is doing more ‘hands-on’ work. Arbuthnot’s. “All hands to the pumps”, used to be his favourite phrase but Steve wonders about his superannuation. He joins Arbuthnot on the Course, tomorrow.

Larissa will have to do all the same work as the firemen. She has to do just the same training as the men but of course she will do it much quicker. She has a special new program worked out by the EOC lady. It s a bit shorter than the men’s because women can do anything a man can and much better. Except speaking English. That’s because they work twice as hard, isn’t it.

Funny how people go on Courses but don’t come back. Good job Steve has an Assistant to the Chief now.

Page Eleven.

Picture. Fire truck rushing down the street. (view from the left side rear) Les in the passenger sea, short hair, arm on opened window opening; Larissa behind her, leaning out, map fluttering in hand, her long, blond hair flowing in the wind. Cleavage to the fore; Jiousles ‘s tall, Nigerian head-dress leans too, as she sits on the ladder on top of the truck. Her long, colourful skirt is blowing open. (No sign of the men except maybe a helmet in the inside of the truck)

Off to another fire ! Larissa has the map today. She is using sign language and road signs. There is equal opportunity for everybody. The Chief is having a turn on the radio, back at the Station. The girl firepersons are really showing those men what they are made of, aren’t they. By Gollyperson, they are.

Les likes to be on top, but Jiousles has bagsied the ladder today. She practiced very, very hard on the control panel and found could erect the fireman’s ladders just by touching their knobs. All the men left said it is great fun when she sits on the erections she has made. She certainly does well and looks great up there. The EOC lady’s new plans are working out well.

She will be pleased and get a first-hand view because that’s where they are going. Someone accidentally set fire to a waste paper basket. There is a lot of waste paper at the Commission. Accidents happen anywhere, even in Safe Workplaces. I hope Jiousles can go on a safe erection course very soon.

Page Twelve.

Picture: Four storey building ablaze. Ladder up to top floor window. Jiousles at top (in Traditional costume, of course) with a manual in her hand. Very large lady in the window, waving podgy arms.

Jiousles is rescuing the EOC lady. Good Girl ! It took a while to get there, due to traffic and cluttered signage in the High Street, and Les shouting not to go past the Hairdresser’s. Larissa didn’t like the shouting and wouldn’t speak to Les. Not even in Lithuanian. But all is well now.

Jiousles is consulting the manual that the EOC lady wrote for girlfirepersons. She is reading aloud paragraph 19 sub section a) vii) about how much weight she is allowed to carry, and the rules in Para 27, c) xiv) about not showing a lady’s underpants when she is thrown over a fireperson’s shoulder. They are communicating, but the EOC lady doesn’t feel empathetic today.

She is upset that it appears she is too heavy and is claiming she is really only a size eight. Joisles is trying hard not to roll her eyes on the job as Para 44, f) xxii says that is harassment.

The fire crew is very well equipped for emergencies though. They even have a Work Safety Manual. That says how many people can be on a ladder at the same time. Oh dear ! It will take a while to get to that page and it looks like the EOC lady’s floor is just giving way. Hear that rumble?

Better move that ladder clear before someone gets into trouble. Where’s Tubbs? There’s never a man around when you need one.