When Divorce Kills: How Gender Bias Pushes Some Men Over the Edge
Chicago, IL – (April 9, 2009) – In the past two weeks, the nation has been shocked by three cases of domestic violence ending in the deaths of innocent children. Two weeks ago, two Illinois boys and their father, Michael Connolly, were found dead in an apparent case of murder-suicide. Last week, James Harrison, a father in Washington, allegedly shot to death his five children before killing himself. On Monday, an Alabama man, Kevin Garner, allegedly killed his estranged wife, their daughter and two other relatives before committing suicide. A common factor in these three cases is divorce: a father in distress probably because he was losing all that he held dear.
I lament these terrible tragedies; as a parent myself, I can imagine the agony the death of a child must bring to a family. As a fathers’ rights attorney, I regret that these high-profile cases are reinforcing the malicious stereotype of the brutal father, a stereotype that sabotages the efforts of many good fathers who love their children.
The fact is that most fathers do not harm their children. Domestic violence is not gender specific, as some mothers have also committed similar unnatural acts. For example, I am currently representing a soldier, formerly deployed in Iraq, who is now struggling to rescue his daughter from the alleged abuse of her mother in Chicago.
Divorce is often regarded as one of the most stressful events in an adult’s life. However, it is especially painful for men in our society due to blatant gender bias in our system. Most divorced men lose custody of their children, and have to pay substantial and sometimes onerous child support. This bias is evident when examining the raw numbers of custody rulings from jurisdictions across the United States. Mothers win 85 percent of all such disputes. According to the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, divorced and separated men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide than married men. By contrast, the incidence of suicide among divorced women is no greater than that for married women.
The notion that divorced or otherwise estranged fathers don’t want or need continuing involvement with their children is insensitive and false. Fathers suffer very real pain and an overpowering sense of loss when excluded from their children’s lives. In my book “Fathers’ Rights,” I warned of the agony suffered by fathers affected by the gender bias, pointing out that “fathers from all walks of life find separation from their children to be a torturous, devastating experience.”
While most divorced men are able to cope with the unfair treatment by our system, some individuals collapse under the pressure of their emotions, destroying their family and themselves. Sometimes all these fathers need is someone who understands; someone to share their problems with. This and more can be provided by the not-for-profit organization which I founded in Illinois, the Fatherhood Educational Institute (fatherhood-edu.org), as well as the government agency that I chair, The Illinois Council for Responsible Fatherhood (responsiblefatherhood.com). Similar organizations are needed everywhere. Both organizations offer resources to educate fathers to deal with their emotions, and to assist them in times of crisis.
The stress of divorce is well-known. However, it is manageable and should not lead to killings. Instead of focusing on those three men who allegedly committed unforgivable crimes, we should look at our society and our attitudes towards the role of fathers after separation and divorce and correct these unhealthy stereotypes.
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Jeffery M. Leving is the author of two ground-breaking books, Fathers’ Rights and Divorce Wars. He co-authored the Illinois Joint Custody Law and has made frequent appearances as an expert legal analyst and commentator on CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX National News, and ABC News. He is the Chairman of the Illinois Council on Responsible Fatherhood, President Emeritus of the Fatherhood Educational Institute and Publisher of LevingsDivorceMagazine.com.
For more information, visit dadsrights.com.
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Stumble It!
April 28th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
For every tragedy like the three referred to above there are thousands more that never make the news.
Millions of families being destroyed, thousands upon thousands of suicides and murders, millions of children taken from their families, and all the good lawyer can do is form an organization called “The Illinois Council for Responsible Fatherhood”.
How about “The Illinois Council for Responsible Jurisprudence and Equal Rights”.
The criminals running our courts need to be held accountable for their crimes. The blame for this criminal racketeering does not belong to fathers; (irresponsible or otherwise) they just perpetuate it by paying the extortion called “child support” and “attorney’s fees”.
If fathers want to turn this around they need to stop paying child support, stop hiring lawyers and stop paying taxes. When it’s no longer profitable to encourage divorce for the purpose of kidnapping and extortion the practice will stop. Then it’s just a matter of rounding up the criminals for prosecution.
April 29th, 2009 at 3:15 am
You cite no further facts about any of those cases and are seriously downplaying the real effects of domestic abuse in this country and elsewhere. Murder by a spouse or boyfriend is in the top five causes of death for women; for men it is statistically insignificant, even though woman on man abuse does occur. I have represented woman in divorces, and in every case the ex was willing to grind my client down with discovery and motion abuse even if it impoverished him too with legal fees, because he was such a control freak that he couldn't stand to share finances or authority over the children fairly. The most common story in those murder-suicides is the man's declaration that if he can't have the woman [and kids], no one can. If he were merely depressed about how things have worked out, he could just kill himself. Why does he have to kill others too? Because he is an asshole and was during the marriage too. If you don't want to support the kids you father, put a glove on your dick or get a vasectomy. If you don't want to pay a lawyer when divorcing, be reasonable in the first place and/or use a mediator. I have NEVER heard of a case where a mom was richer after a divorce than before.
April 29th, 2009 at 4:32 am
The Illinois Council on Responsible Fatherhood is a government agency that Fathers Rights' atttorney Jeffery Leving runs. It is good that he runs it because if a feminazi ran it, it would be a disaster for jurisprudence and equal rights. In his private practice Leving is fighting an uphill battle against all odds for Fathers' Rights and has saved a lot of children's lives by convincing the courts to give custody to good fathers. He keeps on winning unwinable cases and I and all the Fathers he has helped hope he continues to do so..
April 29th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Wow…we can see someone stepped on your toes! It sure seems that when a feminist gets their toes stepped on, the vulgar language comes out and we sure do see it here.
Got a few news flashes for you. Often the child or children a man has to pay child support for are NOT his children and parental fraud is a crime for which the victim is forced to pay for years while the criminal is rewarded. A third of the men who are paying for children are not even that child's father. There are also several ways this fraud can and does take place.
I have talked to far too many men who have told me that they have not been able to see their children for years because "mommy will not let them" In fact, it is the most common reason a father does not keep in contact with "his" children after a divorce.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Many of the times a father does take the life of his children after a divorce is to keep them out of the hands of their real abuser. NO it is not right but often even after given solid proof to family courts that the mother is very abusive to both him and the children, nothing is done. Just recently, there have been several news reports of fathers burying their children after mommy killed them but this does not make the national news much does it? Most of our children are murdered by the mother acting alone. This does not include Susan Smith who wanted to have a relationship with someone who did not want kids to tag along (so I guess you will say it was his fault that Susan murdered her boys?)
As to your opening remark, abuse is not even in the top ten causes of death for women:
http://www.cdc.gov/Women/lcod.htm
http://www.shatterdmen.com/RadioRejects.htm
http://shatterdmen.com/Fire.htm
I would suggest you peddle your Misandry somewhere else!
May 1st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MURDERING CHILDREN! Those of you who are making excuses for Connolly's actions are sick and need of some serious help. I'm sorry if you had a messy divorce and things didn't work out perfectly for you. But please, show some common sense. Connolly had major psychological problems.
Connolly was always allowed supervised visits with his kids, and starting in November 2008 he was allowed to have unsupervised visits. So her murdered them because …. ???
May 1st, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Hey shattered, abuse might not be in the top 10 causes of DEATH for women, but it's one of the top causes of INJURY.
In 1999, it was the #1cause. https://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/abstract/341...
"Conclusions Women at greatest risk for injury from domestic violence include those with male partners who abuse alcohol or use drugs, are unemployed or intermittently employed, have less than a high-school education, and are former husbands, estranged husbands, or former boyfriends of the women."
In other words, women are at greatest risk if the men have problems. No surprise there. I suppose you'll blame their lack of education or their alcohol or drug abuse on the women.
(If I searched longer, I could probably find proof that it's the leading cause every year.)
September 24th, 2009 at 9:08 am
My wife of 25 years walked away from our marriage… her reasons were unclear, but she said she needed to do it for her. No infidelity, abuse of any kind, etc., I was shocked, the kids were shocked… and our extended families were shocked. She would not attend marriage counseling and instead used the legal system to hammer me for money and custody… no settling, no mediation… all the way through trial – she spent two of our children’s college educations in the process on legal fees. She looked mad at me, but never said why. The problem isn’t the men, it’s the unfair treatment men receive by the legal system.
My solution to the problem… never get married, never have children, never cohabitate in a common law state. Getting married only invites the government into your life via divorce. Women like my ex simply leave their husbands and families so they don’t have to compromise anymore… they can have it all their own way – and use the legal system to fleece their husbands in the process.
I’m not saying all women are like my ex… but I am saying I’ve been victimized once and learned the hard way. Saying “I do” actually means you relenquish the power in the relationship to your wife and the legal system. Believe me… I don’t care what they look like if you marry them the day will come that cup cake will drag you through hell – even if you treat her right and give her everything she wants.
Again, don’t get married, don’t have children. I’m on marriage strike.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
These simple stats shed some light on WHY men are more domestically murderous than women THESE DAYS …
http://www.angryharry.com/esOnlyWomenAreOfferedAnAlternative.htm
September 25th, 2009 at 2:03 am
@SOB #2 “I have NEVER heard of a case where a mom was richer after a divorce than before.”
You have now. My ex.