The Emotionally Abused Man: When Love Hurts
Does your relationship with your girlfriend or wife leave you feeling bad about yourself? Do you frequently feel misunderstood, rejected, vilified and devalued in your relationship? Do you feel trapped or stuck? Do you believe it’s possible for men to be emotionally abused by women?
Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.
They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with, “but she’s really a good person.” Ugh! Good people don’t treat you like garbage. My favorite excuse is, “but she had a really tough childhood.” Really? Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.
Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that she’s “just expressing her feelings” and that men are uncomfortable with this because “men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.” Bull—-. This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable, because it’s abusive.
Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.
Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d do anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving AND THEREIN LIES THE MINDF–K.
She’s not abusive all the time, sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.
You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?
First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.
Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
- Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
- Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
- Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
- Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
- Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
- Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
- Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
- Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
- Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?
If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often these women either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three are extremely emotionally abusive types that are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.
You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:
- Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
- Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
- Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
- Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD,
Originally posted on January 23, 2009 at A Shrink for Men.
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Dr Tara J. Palmatier holds a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology and M.Sc. in Counseling Psychology. She has over a decade of experience delivering direct services to diverse populations in a variety of settings. She left the clinical field in 2005 to begin a career in multimedia editing, writing and consulting. Dr Palmatier is presently the principal clinical writer and editor for the Mastering My Life program, which provides confidential guided therapy sessions on a variety of life issues. She also runs her own blog, A Shrink for Men, and a private relationship consultation practice for individuals, primarily men, who are suffering emotional abuse in their relationships. Dr. Palmatier has a strong interest in the application of psychoanalytic theory to the Arts. Her dissertation, Ceci N’Est Pas Une Thèse: An Applied Psychoanalysis of René Magritte (May 2004) examines early childhood parental object loss, incomplete mourning, repetition compulsion and creative outcomes. Dr. Palmatier is a member of the board of directors of the Hospice Education Institute, a member of the American Psychological Association, a former graduate member of the British Psychological Society, and past coordinator of Jungian Seminars in Switzerland. | More from Dr. Tara J. Palmatier
Stumble It!
October 19th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Dr. Palmatier,
On behalf of MND let me welcome you as our newest contributor. We are most pleased to have you.
I worked for 20 years in the mental health industry. During the last five of those years I witnessed the emergence of a paradigm that operated almost exclusively on the model of “man bad, woman good,” and saw the catastrophic sexism that it fostered.
I have read a good deal of your work now and find it not only refreshing and relevant, but a most important departure from the business as usual targeting of men in the psychotherapy community.
I hope that other MRA’s will see the merit in your efforts and pass the word around as much as possible.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Great article!
October 19th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Well said, and thank you. The only difference between male and female abusive behaviour is that male abusive behaviour is seen as wrong, and female abusive behaviour is seen as more or less normal.
There are books on sale that openly advise women on how to use animal training techniques on their husbands. The BBC ran a series called “How to Bring Your Husband To Heel” showing wives how to train their husbands like dogs, and the broadcasting standards authority rejected complaints that it was sexist. Remember that hit song that went “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother… I’m your hell, I’m your dream, I’m nothing in between, and you wouldn’t want it any other way”? That song openly celebrated emotional abuse of men by women, and I don’t remember anyone calling it. That’s apparently just how women are. Well, no it isn’t. A lot of woman behave like that because they’re never called on it. Men need to stop letting them get away with it.
I remember when Glenn Sacks was running his campaign against the anti-male ads for the Family Place domestic violence shelter in Dallas last year, one of the commenters found a page on their website listing 15 characteristics of an abusive personality. It was always “he”, but all but a few were, in my experience anyway, occupational hazards when going out with women. “He” is controlling, “he” tries to isolate you from your family and friends, “he” pushes for commitment before you’re ready, “he” is hypersensitive and takes offence and the slightest thing, “he” has unpredictable mood swings, “he” belittles you in private and in public, “he” playfully hits you.
We have to stop accepting this kind of treatment. It’s learned behaviour. If it stops working, it’ll stop happening.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Im not big on calling things like this “abuse” anyway, because I see that as giving over to the relentless claims that women have and continue to make about them being abused. The web is full of lists that tell women that an unkind look is abuse…therefore run off to the family court where abuse is codified, and make it a claim.
Thats the problem, codified things that are illdefined and nebulous.
Lets not, men, go down this slippery slope, I dont take it that 2 wrongs make a right. Im not disagreeing that this is abusive behavior, I just do not wish to see men running off whining about abuse, while we are being victimized BY claims of similar fuzzy subjective abuse.
Note, the commentary of women in strained marriages, they will use the word abuse flippantly, NEVER qualifying it, rather taking it as a power word. if PUSHED they will drop out the old saw “well emotional abuse is worse than physical because the scars dont heal” whaa whaaa whaa…..drives me nuts
October 20th, 2009 at 9:25 am
If only our “post-feminist” society did not actually encourage the physical, emotional, and psychological abuse of men by women, all in the name of female empowerment, and as punishment for men’s collective “guilt.” Is it surprising that most abusive women see their behavior as perfectly normal?
Think about how much better things could have been between men and women if the Woman as Saint, Man as Devil theme of feminism had not taken over.
Oh, well. A guy can dream, can’t he? I need these little moments of escapist fantasy to stay sane.
Thank you, Dr. Palmatier.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:59 am
This is a topic that is profoundly and importantly topical. ALso great that you mentioned the topic of borderline. A great description of domestic violence in this context is on a man by a borderline woman in the book Siren’s Dance by Anthony Walker. Walker, recounts in graphic detail his three-year relationship with a woman who suffered from borderline personality disorder. She had intense fits of anger, aggression and suicidal behavior.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Dr Palmatier, I would also like to welcome you to MND, simply as an MRA who believes we have moved past the “pissed off divorced guy” and into the “pissed off, things better change guy”.
This type of behaviour is indeed abusive, with lasting damaging effects, contrary to guys like Chris’ opinion. I know this because I was married to an extremely emotionally abusive woman for a couple years, and I still, to this day, suffer from nearly every symptom on your list. Some of it to the point where it is debilitating in some way.
For those who don’t know how bad it can get…she was trying to get me to be so miserable I would kill myself (she said…not me), and she damn near succeeded.
Awareness of these issues is not only important in the general public, but also among MRA’s it would seem.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
@ Dr.Palmatier
Among others, welcome to MND. Your writing is clear and laylanguage so people who are not in profession can understand.
@ Factory
Sad story indeed. Maybe there are many others who suffered in silence and in the end saw no way out but self destruction.
@ All readers of MND
List of books that have been erroneuoulsy labeled as chauvinist, but explain the quandrry men fac. Dr Edgar Berman;s book that was published over 20 years ago illustrated the “raging hormones” that contrubute to feminist rage and can’t be pacified.
http://www.amazon.com/Male-Chauvinist-Books/lm/R1KGKOK7V9WCZM
Reader’s review is helpful to understanding his theory.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Note. Customer review of Dr. Berman’s book. Because the book was written while the Soviet Union was in existance, feminist used the Soviet system as a role model
http://www.amazon.com/compleat-chauvinist-survival-guide-bedeviled/product-reviews/002510120X/ref=lmf_4_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
October 21st, 2009 at 9:01 am
This was both an enjoyable and a saddening read.
Enjoyable because it was well-written and true, and sad because it is entirely so true in so many relationships that I have witnessed.
Stand up and be men, not in the nebulous sense that some people would tell you to. But be a man and DEMAND your respect. You will never get it otherwise.
Women have broken free of their ‘chains’ you do not need to feel guilty about letting them fall flat on their faces for their bad decisions.
I do not deal with women (or men) who do not deal with me without some measure of civility. I have made it clear in all my adult relationships that I will not tolerate abuse either emotional or physical. And surprisingly enough, I often don’t get it. Simply because I stand my ground and stomp that right in the face every time it rears it’s ugly head.
I was attacked at knifepoint when I was a teenager, by a girl who was cheating on me no less. I didn’t kill her, as was my right. I didn’t even beat her other than to twist her arm and disarm her, and then physically throw her out. But that lesson stuck with me, and I have given stern warnings to every other woman that I have been involved with that I will not only have no patience for such behavior, but that if it is engaged I will retaliate with the full force of my capability.
If more men did this, there would be less violence. Too many men are just willing to ‘take it.’
And just to be clear, men are no angels either. It is no less despicable when a man beats a woman. I have thrashed more than a few who have done that.
I have always asked women “Do you want me to abuse you?” Invariably, the answer has always been no. To which my response has always been “Good, then I expect the very same behavior from you. If you abuse me, you will regret it.”
Enjoy gents, and keep yourselves safe both mentally and physically.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Some points to remember if a female is domestically violent with you are, (1)never talk to a police officer without some kind of record, preferably a voice recorder, at a minimum, a video is better. The cops will write up anything they want to make it sound like you the male, were the agressor, aftera”, they don’t get any VAWA funding for “protecting you a male. (2) If the cop is discriminatory and fails to see your injuries, and even if he does, always go to an Emergency Room and get every injury documentd by this very important MANDATORY REPORTER!! You may not even get a police report until days later and you never know what the cop and the DA will come up with!!, (3) Always get an incident, police report, from the agency with jurisdiction for your area, as soon as possible!! It is very hard to contradict what a FEMINIST COP has written down when you get the report several days or weeks later. (4) Always file for a restraining Order, if you don’t she will and hers will definetly put severe restrictions on your life. (5) If she gets a restraining order against you, Obey it to the letter, and DeNovo the Kangeroo Courts Order immediately!1 Most places you have as little as 10 days to DeNovo a case into a real court. (6) Take nothing for granted, these TRO are very serious and an infraction could put yourself behind bars. Bring, or subpoena, any and all witnesses and all of your audio and video records. (7) Try to avoid being around a Human Female Bowl of misery, you deserve better. When the page turns, the face, personna, go from happy, loving, to sad, mean, ornery, and vengeful, vindictive, it is not going to change back again, protect yourself!!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 9:26 am
My answer is “yes” for all 10 questions asked to see if I am being abused. Also the behaviour of the abusive women explained in the article is a reflection of my wife. I could not even take her for an evaluation because nothing is wrong with her, its always me.