The Power of Professional Victimhood
Does your girlfriend or wife blame you for everything that’s wrong in the relationship, even her bad behaviors? Does she refuse to take responsibility for her own actions, especially the hurtful ones? Do you frequently feel forced into a role of contrition in which you have to make up for some transgression or that you “owe” your girlfriend or wife?
If so, you may be involved with a woman who is a professional victim. Don’t be fooled, she is no victim. Victim-hood is a powerful role, albeit an illegitimate one, in which an individual gains power over others through guilt, obligation and shame. In fact, individuals who play the victim are usually the aggressors in relationships. Playing the “victim” is a control device by which they hold others emotionally hostage.
Professional victims are often stealth bullies. If your girlfriend or wife is a professional victim, being caught in her never ending blame game will eventually exhaust you and induce a sense of learned helplessness.
The following characteristics are signs that you’re involved with a professional victim:
1) She never acknowledges when she hurts others. She has exclusive rights to the role of “injured party.” When you call her on her behavior, she provides ample excuses for why she’s not accountable. These excuses assign blame for her actions to someone else, usually the person she’s wronged. It’s always your fault or someone else’s fault, but never, ever is it her fault.
2) The victim must be victimized. If you’re not an abusive person, she’ll pull it out of you in order to play the victim script she has in her head. For example, she needles and needles and needles one of your sore spots until you can’t take it any more and snap at her in defense.
Presto! She just got you to “victimize” her—never mind the previous 2 hours in which she psychologically tormented and bullied you into it. She needs to play innocent victim to someone’s bad guy. It’s the foundation of her identity.
This is a very primitive defense mechanism called projective identification, which, if you’re on the receiving end, is truly awful in that it makes you feel like the crazy person. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy whereby she believes you’re a “bad guy” and she’s a “victim.” She then behaves or interacts with you in such a way that you change your behavior in response to her actions and become the “bad guy.” A telltale sign is that you feel like you’re being coerced into being someone that you’re not. It’s highly, highly emotionally abusive and if this is occurring in your relationship, I encourage you to end the relationship before you sink to her level and do something you regret.
3) She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures. The professional victim lives in “Never-Never Take Personal Responsibility Land,” which is bordered to the North by “The Land of If Only.” This allows her to blame her parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, professors and you for her life, career and relationships not being as she thinks they should be.
She’d be running the business if only her boss recognized her talents. She’d have graduated from design school and been wildly successful if her professor hadn’t looked at her cross-eyed. She’d have sex with you more often if you did more of x, y, and z. Don’t fall for this malarkey. She’s right in that there’s someone to blame for her sad life. She need only look in the mirror to direct her blame accurately.
4) She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. This is a fascinating aspect of the professional victim: They defend those who harm, exploit and bully them and vilify and lash out at those who want to help and care for them. She may fondly describe a relative or ex-boyfriend who sounds like a real S.O.B. and follow it up with, “but he’s such a good person.” Meanwhile, you bend over backward to tiptoe around her extreme sensitivities and she accuses you of “beating her down” and “not being supportive.”
The fact that she admires and respects bullies and people who abuse their power is a huge red flag because we emulate those we admire. Let me make this point crystal clear, SHE ADMIRES BULLIES AND ABUSERS BECAUSE SHE IS REALLY AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BULLY IN VICTIM’S CLOTHING.
It’s impossible to have a loving relationship of equals with a professional victim. A professional victim goes through life feeling slighted and angry, never taking responsibility for her actions or life. Good luck trying to talk to her about this. You’ll meet with extreme defensiveness and more blaming behaviors. Her only identity is that of victim: If she doesn’t believe she’s being victimized, then who is she? Someone who treats other people badly, let’s life pass her by and has a long list of excuses for why she’s not responsible. It’s a matter of psychological self-preservation versus ego annihilation.
You can’t have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who holds you hostage and controls you through guilt, emotional blackmail, and blame. This type of person rarely changes and usually has characteristics of one of the dramatic cluster B personality disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder or some variation.
If you’re involved with one of these women, I encourage you to reconsider the relationship. When I come across them in life, I try to avoid them altogether or, at the very least, minimize contact. It’s really the only way to deal with them as they’re highly toxic and draining.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Originally posted on A Shrink for Men on January 27, 2009.
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services via telephone and/or Skype chat. Please visit my Contact page for professional inquiries.
Dr Tara J. Palmatier holds a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology and M.Sc. in Counseling Psychology. She has over a decade of experience delivering direct services to diverse populations in a variety of settings. She left the clinical field in 2005 to begin a career in multimedia editing, writing and consulting. Dr Palmatier is presently the principal clinical writer and editor for the Mastering My Life program, which provides confidential guided therapy sessions on a variety of life issues. She also runs her own blog, A Shrink for Men, and a private relationship consultation practice for individuals, primarily men, who are suffering emotional abuse in their relationships. Dr. Palmatier has a strong interest in the application of psychoanalytic theory to the Arts. Her dissertation, Ceci N’Est Pas Une Thèse: An Applied Psychoanalysis of René Magritte (May 2004) examines early childhood parental object loss, incomplete mourning, repetition compulsion and creative outcomes. Dr. Palmatier is a member of the board of directors of the Hospice Education Institute, a member of the American Psychological Association, a former graduate member of the British Psychological Society, and past coordinator of Jungian Seminars in Switzerland. | More from Dr. Tara J. Palmatier
Stumble It!
October 26th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
@ Dr.Palmatier,
Coincidentally Dr. Phil show today (Oct. 26m 2009) seemed to have a guest that fits your description. I did not see the show’s beginning, but she blamed her mother, sister, Ex-husband (who now is in jail for allegedly pushing her). After her husband went to jail she found another boyfriend in about a month and lives with her.
She has a custody hearing coming up, her tears are so persuasive that she likely wins. Dr. Phil’s site descriptiom of today’s show.
http://drphil.com/shows/show/1338/
October 26th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I used to work for and with some number twos. These broads could hardly get a sentence out without trying to push one of my buttons. It eventually started getting to me and I’d snap here and there and they’d act like victims. They knew exactly what they were doing and would stop in certain situations but as soon as they thought it was safe they’d be right back pushing me around. I was young and they broke me down pretty far before I got out of there. I hardly have to deal with any of that anymore and it is a huge relief. These people will drain every ounce of energy from people who have to deal with them.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:02 am
Ironically (I’m sure I’m using that word wrong) my life sucked so bad, anytime a female would pull a victim card on me, I’d pull out my notorized, glittered, double lamenated, extra large victim card. Of course, instead of invoking just pity, I’m sure I invoked pity with a healthy side of disgust with a smattering of condesention for dessert. Men aren’t supposed to have problems, and when we do, we’re not supposed to talk about them. Hell, I was an artist for godsakes. If you can’t be a brooding artist and still be attractive to females, we really are shoved into a confining masculine box. I know that wasn’t my only problem, but still, playing the victim as a man gets you no where. I don’t think many people (men or women) even feel sorry for the wounded veterens returing home from war with PTSD. We are always expected to man-up.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:50 am
To be fair, I am sure that there are men who fit this profile, as well. It is just that it has been made so much EASIER for women to get away with this stuff.
Thanks for the sage advice, Doctor!
October 27th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Jay R,
Sometime ago I saw a TV program where a mental health professional had evaluated a serial killer whom he described as anti-social sociopath.
Surprisingly he also said that sociopath make EFFECTVE law enforcement officials since they lack sympathy, compassion, empathy, guilt, remorse etc. Since District Attorneys in states are elected they can not be evaluated, Similarly for elected officials while police presumably is given back ground check. But sociopath also can be charming and manipulative. What does the doctor think about it? Link:
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
October 28th, 2009 at 7:21 am
While I agree with the thrust of the article, and think I’ve been exposed to some of this in my latest relationship, I’d be interested in any suggestions on how to overcome the problem myself.
We can become that which we hate, and I see my actions in some of what has happened. Is there anything short of professional evaluation and intervention?
October 28th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Jean,
These people have a very strange yet real way of rubbing their behavior off on you. It’s almost as if you develop the same behavior as a survival strategy. The best thing to do if someone is constantly throwing guilt trips at you and baiting you to behave badly is just to leave. You may love this person but chances are they don’t love you they just want you to be there so they can get under your skin. It is the only thing that gives them a sense of themselves and you are basically hosting an emotional parasite. Yes get professional help but do it alone first don’t bring her along at first at least. But I can tell you right now that the very best thing you can do is end the relationship. If you live with her and you are in a house that you lived into prior then you are in trouble. If you are living with her and you are in a residence that she was in before, then just quietly make plans to leave and don’t tell her that you are leaving until AFTER you have moved out.
This is the best advice I can give you my friend.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Thank’s to AmeriKa now being a woman’s entitlement nation, the number of women who fit the above description is high. Reading the above description and knowing that any woman could be like that is scary, knowing that there are many Amerikan women conditioned to be like that by women’s studies, women’s commissions, VAWA, etc., etc., etc. makes the situation absolutely terrifying.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Very good article. Certainly, frightening.
This behavior is glorified on television daily… I think many women believe it’s their right to be the designated victim in all instances. And the really sad part is that men buy into it.
A friend of mine was telling me a story of how he kindly asked the woman who rear ended him if she was OK and if there was anything he could do to help her out. The striking part of this story was that even though she was the cause of the accident, she was treated as though she was the victim!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Unfortunately, the victim mentality is contagious and widespread. Both women and men are susceptible to it. Victimhood is illegitimate, but easy power to wield. You can make as big a mess as you want and it’s always someone else’s fault. We’ve become a nation of entitled 5-year olds.
As for this kind of behavior in the workplace, I know it all too well. In fact, recent studies show that women tend to bully other women more than men in the office (although they bully men, too). I’ve been on the receiving end of this more times than I can count.
After my last clinical setting position, I vowed to never work for another woman again or for a company where the women outnumber the men. The mental health clinics where I worked were some of the sickest environments I’ve ever been in—and not because of the patients.
Of course, the biggest offenders of workplace bullying also make themselves out to be the “victims” of the person they attack. They attack a co-worker and the co-worker gets punished. This happens in interpersonal relationships, too. There’s a great book, The No-Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace or Surviving One that Isn’t by Robert I. Sutton, PhD that addresses these issues. Many of his techniques can also be applied to family and personal relationships as well.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Anyone noticed how the description of the behaviour of these professional victims as individuals, bears a very strong resemblance to the behaviour of feminists as a collective? You can tick nearly all the same boxes.
The only difference I can identify is that feminists do not appear to admire or respect people who treat them badly; but then again the feminist movement has probably really never experienced anyone treating it badly, or at least not with any demonstrable damaging effect – unlike an individual who can be easily abused and hurt.
On the contrary, the feminist movement has hitherto found precious little resistance, particularly in the high places where it has ensconced itself. Which in turn enables us to see, very clearly, how the professional victim collective behaves when it keeps getting its own way and is not properly challenged. It just demands more and more privileges, resources and obeisance from its targets. I guess pretty much the same as the individual manipulator does, until her target is beaten down into a cringing, apologetic shell.
Am I right?
October 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
People who liked this article would probably also like to review Karpman’s “drama triangle”, where Victim is one of the three corners of the triangle, Persecutor and Rescuer being the other two. These mirror the old stock melodrama roles of hero, villain, and damsel in distress.
For example, a page such as “The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Drama Triangle” (http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html) might go into more detail than a regular healthy/sane person would ever want to know.
People who are gamey often tend to prefer one position on the triangle over the others, adopting it as a stance, and will find those who complement them in other positions to play their various games with. For the drama to really get going, one or more of the players has to switch positions. What the article basically describes is how the habitual Victim often switches to the role of Persecutor (that part about bullying).
It’s maybe worth noting, for those who want to learn up even more on this, a book from 20 years ago called “Breaking Free from the Victim Trap”, by Diane Zimberoff.
Anyway, good article.