Betrayal Trauma: Do You Have Relationship PTSD from your Wife or Girlfriend?
Do you have trouble sleeping? A perpetual knot in your stomach? Do you experience chronic indigestion or gastrointestinal pain? Do you get stress headaches? Are you afraid to let your guard down with your significant other? Do you censor yourself because you’re afraid to speak the truth to your girlfriend or wife?
If so, you may have developed a trauma response from being involved in an abusive relationship. Stated more simply, you’re suffering post-traumatic stress from being involved with an abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, sociopathic or non-pathological insecure and controlling woman.
Trauma, whether it’s physical or emotional, develops in two ways. It can be caused by a single, isolated event like being mugged, a horrific car accident or a natural disaster. Trauma can also develop from ongoing, chronic, relentless stress such as being in a war, being bullied at work or being in an abusive relationship.
Can you really compare being involved with an abusive woman to water-boarding, jail, hurricanes, and war?
Absolutely. Being emotionally and/or physically abused by these women can have the same effects as being in a war or a cataclysmic event. Combat, torture, imprisonment, tsunamis, and life with a controlling abusive woman share the following characteristics:
- It’s unpredictable.
- It has the element of the unexpected.
- You feel powerless to control your environment.
- The psychological or physical abuse is repetitive.
- It’s intentionally cruel.
- The abuse occurs in a setting or is inflicted by someone whom you once trusted and with whom you felt safe.
Being emotionally abused by the woman you love, who supposedly loves you, is experienced as betrayal and a fundamental violation of trust. Betrayal trauma is caused by emotionally abusive behaviors like gaslighting, mood swings, verbal attacks, rages, alienating your child(ren) from their normal affection toward you (Parental Alienation), being nice to you only to lure you in closer for another emotional sucker punch and/or physical abuse.
Being attracted to crazy, abusive women and being predisposed to trauma share many of the same risk factors. An abusive relationship causes psychological trauma and the same reasons you became involved in an abusive relationship also prime you for developing trauma. Because you experienced emotional trauma as a child, you’re attracted to adult relationships that recreate these conditions. It’s a vicious circle.
Some of the these factors include:
- Having emotionally or physically abusive parents (e.g., they were overly critical, intrusive, neglectful and/or violent).
- Being a parentified child (having to take care of your parent(s)’ emotional and/or physical needs instead of your parent(s) taking care of you).
- Having unresolved childhood or adolescent abandonment issues.
- Having a painfully traumatic first love experience in adolescence or early adulthood with an abusive woman.
- Being the target of childhood bullying.
- Being chronically ill in childhood, which may have led you to develop a dependent personality.
What’s the difference between PTSD and Betrayal Trauma?
The primary difference between PTSD and betrayal trauma is fear vs. anger. Historically, PTSD is considered to be caused by extreme fear; betrayal trauma is thought to be caused by anger. Both evoke a fight or flight response.
However, prolonged repetitive emotional abuse can create a third response. If you can’t fight (i.e., because your abusive wife/girlfriend twists reality, blames you for everything and puts you in no-win situations) or can’t or won’t take flight (i.e., dump her warped ass) you default to the third response. You numb out, shut down and experience a pervasive sense of profound learned helplessness.
When most people are hurt or betrayed by someone, they get angry, possibly end the relationship and steer clear of him or her in the future. However, if you’re predisposed to relationships with abusive women and trauma, it’s not in your nature to respond to hurtful behaviors the way most people do.
At first, you may experience denial and disbelief that the woman you love could treat you so callously and cruelly. Then you essentially ignore her abusive behaviors. You minimize and excuse her indefensible behavior, almost seeming to forget the most vitriolic verbal attacks and rages. In fact, you really may not remember the worst of it.
Men who have developed a trauma response actually dissociate during the most bitter attacks. Dissociation is a defense mechanism in which your conscious mind shuts down, like when she’s screaming at you and you go someplace else in your head. After her rage has subsided, you actually can’t remember what happened. Your mind took you away to protect you from the abuse.
In order to protect yourself, you block out and forget the abuses (a form of psychogenic amnesia) in order to maintain the relationship. It’s a sort of “functional forgetting” or selective memory to protect you from the cognitive dissonance of being with this woman. However, there are psychological and physical consequences to ignoring the painfully obvious.
If you didn’t make excuses for, minimize, forget or deny the pain you experience because of her crazy, hurtful behaviors, then you would have to end the relationship. These are more defense mechanisms you probably developed as a child to protect yourself from the people who loved you. They helped you survive as a child, but as an adult, they’re enabling you to stay in an abusive relationship in which you’re emotionally and psychologically traumatized.
Next week, I’ll post the second part of this post. I’ll explain the three categories of symptoms you may experience as a result of staying in an abusive relationship: physical, psychological, and interpersonal.
Meanwhile, if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, please consider the harm you’re doing to yourself by not ending it. You’re an adult now. You don’t need to depend on this crazy woman like you had to depend on your parents for survival. You can break the psychological dependence and walk or run away.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Originally published on April 1, 2009 at A Shrink for Men
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit my Contact page for professional inquiries.
My Virtual Shrink
MyVirtualShrink is an alternative to traditional psychotherapy and coaching. It offers a wide range of non-gender-biased web-based interactive guided sessions for a variety of issues. For a 20% membership discount, enter this promotional code: JWLCSWPJVAY after taking the Smart Plan Assessment. For more information, please follow this link: Special Offer: My Virtual Shrink and/or email me directly at shrink4men@gmail.com
Possibly related posts...
Dr Tara J. Palmatier holds a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology and M.Sc. in Counseling Psychology. She has over a decade of experience delivering direct services to diverse populations in a variety of settings. She left the clinical field in 2005 to begin a career in multimedia editing, writing and consulting. Dr Palmatier is presently the principal clinical writer and editor for the Mastering My Life program, which provides confidential guided therapy sessions on a variety of life issues. She also runs her own blog, A Shrink for Men, and a private relationship consultation practice for individuals, primarily men, who are suffering emotional abuse in their relationships. Dr. Palmatier has a strong interest in the application of psychoanalytic theory to the Arts. Her dissertation, Ceci N’Est Pas Une Thèse: An Applied Psychoanalysis of René Magritte (May 2004) examines early childhood parental object loss, incomplete mourning, repetition compulsion and creative outcomes. Dr. Palmatier is a member of the board of directors of the Hospice Education Institute, a member of the American Psychological Association, a former graduate member of the British Psychological Society, and past coordinator of Jungian Seminars in Switzerland. | More from Dr. Tara J. Palmatier
Stumble It!
This is a truly GREAT and RELEVANT article – thankyou sooooo much!! We often dismiss what abuse men have suffered and this issue needs to be highlighed!!
This article provided a good service by definitively linking PTSD to relationship issues men experience, but in my experience, PTSD is the default state for a man in a relationship with a woman. In today’s world, how can having a wife or girlfriend *not* be traumatic? I don’t believe it’s possible. Ray’s comment is spot-on: to be a male is to be in a state of trauma.
There is a PTSD recieved among men who have bene cheated on. It does creep in and affect you in many ways. A non-affectionate and cheating wife CAN MAKE YOU PHYSICALLY ILL. Its no joke.
I’m starting to believe there needs to be a fraternity of husbands who will dish out old fashion justice to OM’s who decide to “penetrate” his marital bonds. You know 4 or 5 husbands in the local area, who will ensure that the husband is not the only one “affected” by the OM’s acts.
I can relate to this as I’m sure many men are able to.
When I look back upon it, I got off easy compared to many others, however I still remember the physical effects that manifested as a result of the whole ordeal.
There were times where I spontaneously felt like I could not breathe, it would build up in waves and I’d unconsciously start to wheeze.
I was incapable of sleeping properly for a few months afterward, there were headaches and a general feeling of malaise when any other active symptoms were felt.
I never would have thought it were possible until I went through it.
All I can say is that I’m damn thankful I’ve put some serious time between that period of my life and the present.
And the one thing I did get out of the experience is a drive to undo the damage done and come back stronger, and thankfully I was able to.
There are some men out there who are financially tied down and shot when their spouse decided to betray them, and that to me is a fate worse than death.
[...] Betrayal Trauma: Do You Have Relationship PTSD from your Wife or … [...]
Great article. The author is really doing us men a service with voicing the man’s perspective in a harmful relationship. I have experienced many abusive women and the pattern is a very difficult one to break. Yea I’ve tried therapy but it really takes years of self work and discipline. What I’ve come to understand is that by allowing these women into your life they can turn it completely upside down. It would be better if one thought through the costs associated with starting and continuing one of these types of relationships. Unfortunately there are few voices that instruct men of these dangers. Keep up the great articles.
I have never been the same since coming home from work to a house empty of my entire family with no note or reason.
I did not lose my child. It doesn’t matter. I can tell you exactly how it felt. It felt as though one of my arms had been severed. I can vividly recall this feeling.
Call it bambi but the mass trauma inflicted on the male population in the last 20 years cannot be ignored.
Just as the men of ww I and ww II were never the same. People say that you could see it in their eyes.
That is how I have felt and continue to feel over 10 years later.
But us men must buck up. We can’t complain. Especially not in a space reserved for the MRM.
Thank you Dr. Palmatier,
Your approach may not be my cup of tea, but if you are helping some guys out there, more power to you!
Keep up the good work.
Respectfully,
Tim Merritt
@ TXM
Psychologists have an amazing tendency to categorize pathologies, but they have always done a damn poor job of describing what mental health looks like.Pathologies are infinite, while health is a difficult and delicate balance that is dependant on circumstances and subjective evaluation. in other words, you can bitch endlessly about your problems and never get better!
Here’s my definition of good mental health. Good mental health is indicated by the ability to:
- be psychologically flexible in approaching life, relationships and conflict as opposed to being psychologically rigid;
- think through and reality test one’s beliefs, opinions and feelings;
- communicate effectively by expressing one’s feelings and thoughts;
- listen;
- feel empathy;
- hold oneself accountable for one’s choices and behaviors;
- set personal boundaries;
- attain goals without harming others;
- end relationships or situations in which one is being harmed without hope of resolution; and
- seek well-being and growth as opposed to self-limiting and self-destructive behaviors and situations.
This isn’t by any means a conclusive definition, but it’s a good start.
As for “bitching endlessly” about one’s problems in counseling, I refer to this as hiding out and hanging out in therapy, which I neither condone nor practice. I don’t like wasting my time, no matter how much an hour I’m being paid nor do I think it’s alright to let a paying client waste his or her time. Furthermore, letting a client bitch endlessly about another person or people isn’t therapy; it’s called paying for a friend who won’t challenge you. When this happens, a good therapist should redirect the dialogue back to his or her actual patient.
As for PTSD being over-diagnosed, this article is about betrayal trauma, which isn’t PTSD, but a relational variant. Emotional abuse and a slap across the face isn’t the equivalent of having one’s leg blown off, in a war situation, you expect the enemy to try to injure or kill you. It’s horrific, but not a betrayal. When someone you love and trust betrays you through abuse, it’s psychologically scarring and carries consequences—many of which are similar to symptoms of PTSD.
Nowhere do I recommend that men spend the rest of their lives in an analyst’s chair contemplating their childhoods. However, I do encourage men to explore what attracted them to the abusive woman or string of women with whom they’ve been in relationship in order to understand old family patterns/faulty relationship beliefs they’re replaying and what needs they’re trying to get met in order to avoid another abusive relationship in the future.
If an individual is capable of doing this on his own, with a friend or a family member—that’s great. However, some people need a little help/structure from an objective third party, like a therapist or coach and I think it’s “piling on” when you make a person feel bad about needing or wanting professional help and understanding.
…to be a healthy man, we need better ways to cope with stress than gobbledygook psychobabble. Let’s try talking about what makes an average man healthy and successful rather than categorizing all the ways we are screwed up. I think mine would be the more productive conversation.
I try to avoid psychobabble whenever possible and explain things in plain language. However, when a person is manifesting physical symptoms and is in pain and confusion because he no longer feels like himself due to abuse, it’s helpful to have the language and terminology to understand what’s going on. You have to identify the problem before you can begin to resolve it.
A good start for the average man to be happy, healthy and successful is to know and understand the dynamics of abuse and that it’s not normal or acceptable for women to behave this way; that a man’s feelings, needs and desires are just as important as his wife’s/girlfriend’s; and that it’s not okay to be continuously put down and expected to meet never-ending demands in which the bar is raised ever higher. This is a great conversation to be sure, but when a man is stuck in a painful and self-destructive relationship, he needs to understand it and work his way out before the next conversation can begin.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara J. Palmatier
@ Ghost
I don’t know if my post describes all men in the Western hemisphere; just as not all women have the traits and characteristics I describe in my work. That would be a gross generalization and very polarizing. It’s a recipe for interpersonal defensiveness that will ultimately lose you potential supporters of both sexes and doesn’t serve the causes men’s right’s groups fight for very well.
I understand it may seem like all women view men as disposable, but I can assure you it’s not the case. I think there are a percentage of women who tenaciously hold onto these views for financial gain, to maintain their illegitimate and oppressive power base, personal pathology or some combination of these factors. While there are other women who have learned from the former group, but whom you could bring around to your side if you reach out to them in conversation.
@ OpPTSD_Jason & Trust
Thank you both for the positive feedback. I appreciate it.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that BTD (Betrayal Trauma Disorder) affects more than (fill in the blank) million men. However, there is hope. The therapist lady provides confidential counsiling at $100 an hour…imagine that
It’s pretty much a therapist response to everything. Bored? Take a pill and give her $100 an hour. Can’t find your glasses? You’ve got Can’t-Find-Your-Glasses Disorder. Take a pill and . . .
(Tell you what. Pick your own pill and send me $50. How’s that for an alternative to traditional therapy for half the price?)
I agree with Mr. Elam. We need Dr. Palmatier and others like her. I’ll also add that, as much as I wish our society would just people on their intellect without regard to their sex, the fact remains that men who stand up for mens rights or against feminist nonsense are too easily dismissed as sexist–so the importance of having the support of intelligent and articulate women like Dr. Palmatier cannot be overstated.
@TXM
I have to disagree with you. Not in the idea that the profession has overly “pathologized” the culture by affixing diagnostic language to common behavior at the drop of a hat. On this we agree. And while Palmatier will likely have her own take on that matter, my stance is purely political.
Whether by happenstance or design, Palmatier is fighting fire with fire and putting out some really valid and highly qualified observations in the process.
I used to work in the mental health industry and was there to witness the invasion of feminist ideologues that brought in “feminist therapy” and with it the ensuing misandric cult of practitioners. The language of pathology was wielded like a sword, not in a fight for women’s mental health, but in an attack on men in general and in fostering a method of counseling that took female clients right down the road to a victim mentality.
One of my first reactions was to bring in counter feminist ideas into groups of inpatient men who were getting battered with disinformation and vilification in their other modalities. The reaction from my peers was incendiary hostility. And when I started presenting didactics to my male clients on personality disordered females things went ballistic.
In other words, I was doing something similar to what Palmatier is doing now with male clients and it triggered limbic responses from my more feminist inclined colleagues.
I’d say I was on the right track.
It was actually a shame. What all this boiled down to was putting clients in the middle of an ideological war. But for me it was either that or just sit back and by omission contribute to what was going on around me.
We now live in a culture that has embraced and fully adopted the jargon and mentality that feminists have been dumping into the psychiatric community now a full twenty years running. Pop psychology and relationship books that are full of feminist slant are some of the biggest selling books in the country.
Now, we can all, perhaps rightfully, point the finger at psych professionals for getting things all screwed up, but we NEED Dr. Palmatier and others to say exactly what she is saying. It needn’t result in anyone being on a couch.
Also, when I look through the comments here and see men saying they wished they had read this stuff years ago, It lets me know that there are men out there as we speak that need it now.
I’m sure Dr. Palmatier is a good person and I appreciate any help men can get these days… but her approach doesn’t seem right to me.
When it comes to men’s mental health, I think that this essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson is what right looks like:
http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm
I’ve actually been ther and done that. NOT again.
Most men experience a pattern of abuse at some time in their lives, either on the job, or at home, or at school, or in a marriage, or in a divorce, etc. It all comes from the disposable male role that men are conditioned to fill from earliest years. Some men may be lucky enough to avoid the abuse, but vast numbers of men/males don’t.
America is in denial about the status of the male population and gets its info largely from those who follow a politically correct line, or just don’t care. Far too many men in America are living shattered lives with no programs or services to help them be free of their anguish and pain.
No wonder 80% of suicides are male. Who wouldn’t be depressed to be treated so badly, denied help and hope, then watch while billions upon billions of dollars go to women’s programs and services? The message being sent to many American men is clear, “You’re life is worthless.”
Men are as a matter of course exploited in jobs and in marriages, then discarded when no longer useful, or adequately entertaining. I doubt this will change, or ever be addressed as the profits from exploiting male roles is immensely profitably. And those who are doing it have grown rich and powerful and are not about to give up such a valuable commodity as an exploitable, disposable male. The role of males as the disposable sex must end.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
God, do we really want to go down this road? Psychologists have an amazing tendency to categorize pathologies, but they have always done a damn poor job of describing what mental health looks like. Pathologies are infinite, while health is a difficult and delicate balance that is dependant on circumstances and subjective evaluation. in other words, you can bitch endlessly about your problems and never get better!
PTSD is over diagnosed much the same way rape is over accused. PTSD is for people who have been blown up, shot and tortured, not for some guy sitting in his arm chair anguishing over his childhood. Just as rape is for real rape, not for some girl who just changes her mind in the middle of consensual sex, or mearly feels guilty about it in the morning.
Gentlemen, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in some analysts chair doing pondering your childhood, etc? Look, I am an active duty Soldier, and we have combat stress, depressions and suicides to deal with every day. And not just guys who’ve been blown up; guys who’s wives have left them, money problems, drug and alcohol dependency, etc. So I am sympathetic and compassionate about these types of problems. I am certainly not advocating “being macho” and not dealing with these things.
What I am saying is that to be a healthy man, we need better ways to cope with stress than gobbledygook psychobabble. Let’s try talking about what makes an average man healthy and successful rather than categorizing all the ways we are screwed up. I think mine would be the more productive conversation.
Excuse me, but wouldn´t that describe a large percentage of males in modern day society?
-Especially the parts of censoring your speech and reluctance to let down your guard??
That seems to me to describe the working conditions for all male workers that share a job with females in the western hemisphere.
This was an amazing article. I have seen a few friends of mine suffering from both PTSD and relationship trauma. It is one of the saddest situations I have ever seen. One of my very best friends has been away from the relationship for 6 years and is still emotionally shut down. I was not aware of this situation and the fact it was actually identified. PTSD Vets are very prone to connecting with the worst possible mates. The majority of the PTSD sufferers I know also were victims of childhood trauma. The connection causes my mind to wander in so many directions. Thank you for bringing this into the open and I look forward to reading your follow up posts.
Jason
OperationPTSD.com