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8 Red Flag Dating Phrases that Should Send Men Running

2010-01-23
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I came across a website called YourTango and saw an article titled 6 Red Flag Phrases That Should Send You Running: If a man tells you he’s not boyfriend material, believe him. Plus 5 other verbal red flags. It piqued my morbid curiosity, so I read the post. It’s the standard fare on how to avoid men who are jerks and “commitment phobic,” etc. The article doesn’t give equal time to female verbal red flags, therefore, I’m going to take a crack at it.

Here are 8 phrases that should send men running for the hills or a comfortably appointed cave when dating:

1. “What woman doesn’t go a little crazy now and then?” If a woman utters this rhetorical question or some variation of it, my advice is, “Run, Forrest, Run!” Get while the getting is good and don’t look back. Otherwise, ask for an operational definition of “a little crazy” and then decide if it’s a deal-breaker.

There’s a certain kind of woman who believes that acting out, extreme selfishness, entitlement, throwing tantrums, pathological jealousy and having narcissistic rages are normal and acceptable female behavior. They’re not. She will try to minimize the severity of her craziness by sugarcoating it or glossing over it as a natural occurrence, tell you to make your peace with it and imply or explicitly state that you are the one with the problem if you don’t accept her unacceptable behavior.

For example, the blogger in the YourTango article cites the following red flag if a man isn’t willing to put up with a little crazy female behavior:

“All the girls I’ve dated were just too much.” Translation: He isn’t willing to compromise. We know our kind can overreact. Overanalyze. Cry at the wrong times and get all worked up over things that, perhaps, were nothing. But beware the man who says all the girls (but not you, of course!) he’s dated were crazy. You may initially delude yourself into thinking you’re cooler then the average chick and have the ability to melt that steely exterior with your no-frills stylings, but sooner or later you too are likely to have demands that are just going to be “too much” for him.

This is pretty frightening. Basically, the author of the above quote states that if a man is unwilling to put up with crazy, hurtful, irrational behaviors from his girlfriend/wife it means he is “unwilling to compromise.” Damn straight. No one, man or woman, should have to “compromise” on crazy hurtful behaviors.

2. “I expect to be treated like a princess” (or a queen, empress, czarina, etc.) Unless she’s some long lost member of the Hapsburg, Romanov or Plantagenet family, I don’t think so. Even then, who cares? She’s a person just like everyone else. When a woman fancies herself royalty, it denotes a level of entitlement, one-sided-ness and probably an incredible lack of empathy. She’s basically stating, “I expect you to be subservient to me. My needs and wishes trump all others.” Do you want to be a lover and equal partner or a manservant?

3. “I expect my man to put me first.” Here’s the unspoken second half of this phrase: “at the expense of his own best interests” or “just like I put myself first.” If she puts herself first and you put her first, who takes care of your needs? Who is looking out for your best interests? Not her, that’s for sure.

If you marry this woman and later divorce, this mentality morphs into, “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. In fact, everything is mine. Gimmee. Gimmee. Gimme.” A healthy relationship between two equal partners is reciprocal. Furthermore, when you truly love someone you don’t expect or demand that he or she neglect or harm themselves in order to make you happy. Each person is responsible for his or her own happiness and needs. You’re dating to find a partner, not an autocratic dependent.

4. “I like the finer things in life.” Your response to this statement should be, “So what do you do for a living?” If she’s not an attorney, doctor, executive or in some other high paying profession, guess who’ll be on the hook to pay for the finer things she professes to like so much? That’s right; YOU or any other poor sucker who’s willing to let her pimp him out. Also, take note if she’s obsessed with designer labels, expensive cars and other bling. Does she read a lot of celebrity and fashion mags? These are other potential red flags.

5. “I’m a drama queen” or “My friends think I’m a drama queen.” Drama is something better left to professionals like Meryl Streep and “reality stars.” Self-proclaimed drama queens are draining, toxic and probably have a touch of Histrionic Personality Disorder. If you want to spend your life wading through disproportionate reactions to minor events, that’s you’re prerogative. However, pushing the broom behind the bejeweled elephant in the room eventually becomes tiresome.

6. “All of my ex-boyfriends/ex-husband(s) are jerks.” Maybe, maybe not. Maybe the problem is her. If you read my site, Shrink4Men, regularly, you understand that a person can choose the wrong type of partner many times before they “get it” and make healthier relationship choices. This is usually because the individual is reenacting an unhealthy relationship pattern from childhood as an adult.

As I’ve stated elsewhere, you want to hear a potential mate take some accountability for their past relationships. For example, “I was immature. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was attracted to the wrong kind of guy for awhile, but I’ve grown up.” At some point, the only common denominator in all your failed relationships is you. Whether it’s because you’re the one with the issues or because your issue is that you’re attracted to people with issues.

7. “I don’t speak to my father.” This is either a healthy choice, for example, if her father is an abusive NPD/BPD type, or a sign that she has a lot of issues that will make an intimate relationship with her a living hell. Beware of unresolved father issues and proceed with caution. You definitely have to do some detective work on this one. You also want to discover how her mother treats her father.

8. “I like it when the man makes the plans.” This is the flip side of another YourTango red flag. If a woman expects you to make all the plans and entertain her, it may mean that she is unwilling to take responsibility in a relationship. It’s another entitlement issue that puts you into a subservient role and also sets you up for failure. For instance, she expects you to make all the plans and you inevitably choose something she doesn’t like. She then gets to tell you what a disappointment you are and you “never” do anything she likes.

This is another device by which to control you and undermine your confidence. She pretends she’s in the passive role when she’s actually the one pulling your puppet strings. Meanwhile, you’re doing all or most of the work. In a healthy relationship both partners contribute.

The dating world is a jungle and there are a lot of predators and emotional terrorists out there. My advice is:

  • Pay attention to your instincts.
  • Know your deal-breakers and deal-makers.
  • Don’t minimize or ignore crazy or unsettling behaviors and conversations.
  • Remember that your needs and feeling are just as important as a potential mate’s needs and feelings.

Outer beauty fades, but crazy, entitled and abusive are forever.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Originally posted at A Shrink for Men on October 28, 2009

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  • Sam

    The simplicity of the natural desire for the opposite sex and the desire to be loved become complex beyond reason when viewed from the wrong vantage point.

    Our society is set up to produce competition among the people, not cooperation. Expecting cooperation among two lovers is not a reasonable expectation in this environment. The competitive nature of our nation is pervasive and finds its roots in our laws and national values.

    We as a nation value the “star”, the achiever, the rich, and that which has the public spotlight. As a rule we compete for the best mate we can get and have personal expectations about what that mate can do for our competitive aspirations. When a woman chases a rich man now it has nothing to do with how likely her offspring will be to survive and prosper. Her motivation is purely competitive and is designed to bring her what she does not already have inside, value.

    So we see then that dating and sex have become about status, power, wealth, and position in society with respect to ones peers and ones own selfish motives. Somewhere in there is love and sex hiding in the corner of this madhouse.

    Not everyone subscribes to this madness, some people believe in love and sex in their simplest forms and have good lasting relationships. For the most part I would have to say that competition and power struggles have taken over the garden. Perhaps we should weed it.

  • Richard

    Dr. T makes a shared and VERY consequential observation that many people do not know what they want and I’ve realized how dangerous that can be. Others will gladly tamper with your life- its limited you know. After many years of observation, it appears to me that their behavior predominately reflects unchallenged and most likely unconscious social-cultural and childhood conditioning. A successful real estate investor/teacher once said “if you’re not making your own plans, someone else will make them for you.” I used to be very unaware and immature so I know there’s hope for those who have an hunch that they are being cleverly brainwashed globally. The strong undercurrent of cultural forces on women is compelling. Awareness and “the whole truth” are key for those who search.

    Also, it’s my opinion that irrational stereotyping words like “neediness” lock you into an illusion that emotional states are not fluid and possibly lack justification. A male friend frequently characterizes his wife as “needy” but I’ve seen him routinely provoke her into it with lies, emotional abandonment and alienating manipulative behavior. She might be open to improvement if he were to be aware of the consequences of his behavior.

  • Robert Stevens

    The warning signs are always there in dealing with a woman. The one thing to remember is that women today are usually, not always, but usually socially, legally and morally irresponsible. They have been taught that they are entitles to “rights” ( no there not really rights, but women think so) that a man is not . That a women is never wrong, never lies, especially if it involves a man and that the abusive treatment they and their state Codefendants give men is somehow OK!
    One day the bubble will burst and women will be in for a very rude awakeing. There will be a lot of kicking, screaming and crying, but it will be to no avail. As my old uncle who used to be in the mafia says, ” pay back is a bitch”

  • Bombay

    “If you’re dating, ask your potential mate what he/she wants. If they reply, “to fall in love and be happy,” ask them to define both conditions as concretely as possible. If they can’t or respond with more vagaries, you should probably move on and find yourself a fully developed individual who can answer these questions without bursting a brain cell.”

    I would have loved hearing this 40 years ago. Great advise both ways.

  • stu

    I have my list of deal breakers too. If the woman indicates at any time that she wants anything other then completely no strings attached casual sex………..run.

    During completely casual no strings attached ongoing things……..as soon as they find out your real name…….or where you work….or any other identifying information………..run.

  • Keyester

    A woman’s “values” Dr. Tara, are whatever the media tells her they are and whatever her friends think. Rarely is there any independent thinking going on. It’s important that they stay as fashionable as current trends dictate, and that they have validation from the grrls club.

    It’s this natural dynamic, among others such as chivalry, that feminists exploited to advance their agenda.

  • Reality2010

    Red Flag: If you ask a woman what she is going to do for you in a relationship- what she has to give- and she just gives you a blank stare and is speechless, run. (This is all American women today. I have never met a woman who can answer this question. Go ahead try it- ask any woman you start getting serious with or get to the point of marriage.. it’s beyond pathetic and this is ALL women today).

    Red Flag: If she is well educated. It is now a scientifically proven FACT that the more educated a woman is, the more abusive she is. It’s the sick & perverted essence of femininity.

    Red Flag: If she has children already. The ways you will be screwed over are too numerous to mention here. No. 1 reason is the overwhelming possibility of false accusation by one of the children landing you in prison for 30 years & no evidence is even needed nowadays.

    Red Flag: Any woman who tells you she’s been raped of a victim of domestic violence. There is over a 50% chance she made a false accusation of either of these and will falsely accuse you. You cannot fathom the deep, deep psychosis of even what seems like the average woman.

    Red Flag: Shops a lot at malls. This means she is very superficial and shallow and ultimately a bore but even worse is if she is superficial it means that she will ‘upgrade’ by dumping you one day.

    Red Flag: She watches day time TV and/or soap operas. This means she is extremely stupid and childlike in her thinking and can never understand your adult thinking as a man.

    Red Flag: If she is really quiet a lot. This usually means something really, really bad. She is hiding an enormous amount of horrifying thinking process that is all to your detriment.

    Again, there is no woman today living in America that does not fall under one or more of this red flags, American women are hopelessly defective and mentally ill with the feminist sickness.

    Red Flag: Any woman living in the U.S.

  • http://jayhammers.blogspot.com/ Jay Hammers

    I’m not sure I agree with #8 every time. There are some women who like the man to make most plans, sometimes with her input, simply because they like the man to decide. I tend to know exactly what my lady would like to do and we tend to be in sync, so I guess I’m lucky. I think it depends on their true motives for letting you decide.

  • Reality2010

    As usual, there isn’t any woman in the U.S. I’ve ever met anywhere who doesn’t exhibit any one or more (or all) of these red flags. A human-like female does not exist in the U.S. anymore. It’s called culture and expectations and women are horrendous herd-like creatures who are incapable of thinking for themselves and follow all the current mantras of 3rd wave feminism and whorism and utter self centeredness blasted at them from all directions only to happy to jump on the bandwagon.

    If you’re male and read the article and are lonely, just go to your local grocery store and observe all of the women there- look at their body language and listen to what they say. Then ask yourself, “lonely for… what… exactly?’

  • Bill

    I’m looking for my best friend. Someone to share romantic evenings out or cuddled up on the couch. My ideal man/woman has a good sense of humor, is attractive, adventurous, likes to travel, movies, loves to laugh . . .

    And if you attempt to be a woman’s best friend, they immediately put you at the top oftheir “friends” list, right next to their gay hairdresser.

  • http://shrink4men.wordpress.com Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

    @ Jerry

    The question, “What do you want? isn’t just a head scratcher for women. Both sexes often have a difficult time answering this question.

    Lots of people sleepwalk their way through life. They’re basically in a societal and self-induced trance. Additionally, most people who say they have “values” don’t really know what their values are. Alternatively, if they have some vague sense of values, they don’t know how they came by them. Are they their parents’ values? Their religious/spiritual teachings’ values? Societal values? Have they used critical reasoning to ascertain if these values are congruent with who they are as adults?

    We’re constantly bombarded with “should’s,” “ought’s ,” “never’s,” “mustn’ts” and “always” from an early age. Some people never think to question what they were taught as children or, if they do, only do so selectively (e.g., don’t have sex before marriage).

    Many of the rules and values we learn as children don’t make sense for us as adults—yet people still blindly adhere to them. For example, lots of people feel like they should get married and have children. Society tells you that if you don’t, there’s something “wrong” with you—that you’re commitment phobic or unable to form an intimate attachment. In reality, not getting married is just as valid a choice for some people as getting married and having children is for others.

    Many people who choose to commit to one another without a marital contract have profoundly deep and intimate relationships. Whereas many people who march down the aisle don’t know the first thing about a deep and lasting commitment. Getting married isn’t an indicator of true love, commitment and emotional maturity. If it were then the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.

    Another example: A woman spends nearly a decade to become a physician. She gets married, has children, quits working, becomes resentful and and complains bitterly about what a thankless task being a SAHM is.

    “Education” is a value and so is “family.” Clearly, this woman isn’t clear about what her values are otherwise she would be happy and in alignment with her choice. So whose value system told her she had to give up her career and stay at home? Alternatively, perhaps she received conflicting values growing up: Get an education and good mommies stay at home with their kids, which now puts her in a double bind. She doesn’t think to question that she can still be a good mom and use her degree for which she worked so hard.

    My point is that it’s no wonder people can’t answer the question, “What do you want?” They honestly don’t know. Look at dating sites for another example. Typical profiles read something like:

    I’m looking for my best friend. Someone to share romantic evenings out or cuddled up on the couch. My ideal man/woman has a good sense of humor, is attractive, adventurous, likes to travel, movies, loves to laugh . . .

    Pretty vague requirements. No wonder people are perpetually disappointed in their relationships. People who don’t know who they are, what their values are and what they want in life and in love (and not what their parents, society and friends tell them they are) expect others to help them figure out who they are and what they want. It’s a recipe for disaster.

    If you’re dating, ask your potential mate what he/she wants. If they reply, “to fall in love and be happy,” ask them to define both conditions as concretely as possible. If they can’t or respond with more vagaries, you should probably move on and find yourself a fully developed individual who can answer these questions without bursting a brain cell.

    Kind Regards,
    Dr Tara

  • Ken

    “…why, for a majority of women, answering the question “What do you want?” is such a conundrum?”

    Because it’s a very simple, and at the same time, very complicated question Jerry.

    The answer is EVERYTHING.
    And it’s their nature to expect it be provided by men, and more so now, government.

  • http://shrink4men.wordpress.com Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

    @ Paul Elam et al,

    Whenever I hear a woman emphatically proclaim:

    I don’t need a man to___________

    I typically chalk it up to a case of “the lady doth protest too much.”

    Self-sufficient, grounded, independent, loyal people with self-worth generally don’t have to make announcements re: how independent, confident, attractive, etc., they are. If a person truly possess these qualities, he or she lets their actions speak for themselves. They walk the walk and their grace and dignity naturally shines through.

    When a man or woman makes a point of telling me how moral, ethical, creative, independent, blah, blah, blah they are I brace myself because it usually means they’re exactly the opposite of how they’re trying to portray themselves.

    Kind Regards,
    Dr Tara J. Palmatier

  • Bill

    Great article, but rather depressing in that you’ve just eliminated 99.9999% percent of women from the dating pool. Every women I’ve ever dated has exhibited at least one of these traits.

  • Jerry Fino

    Dr. Palmatier, another ‘winner’ of an article. Perhaps you can unravel the mystery of why, for a majority of women, answering the question “What do you want?” is such a conundrum?
    I have found that if they claim to know, and you deliver on what they say they want, it’s not *really* what they want at all OR, more the case, they just can’t answer the question because they don’t know. Yet, the demands, bullying, belittling, complaining and manipulation go on.
    Ah, what’s a bruthu to do (sigh).

  • Trust

    @Paul Elam: “Great article. If I may presume to add one to your list, Dr. Palmatier, it is the ubiquitous:

    “I don’t need a man to___________”
    _____________

    Excellent addition. It’s not the statement itself that is the problem. The problem is in the need to say it. Not needing someone is one thing, setting out to prove it is another and problematic.

    In other words, being involved with a modern woman marinated in 2 or 3 decades of feminist propaganda who must make sure her man know she “doesn’t need him” would be about as desirable as being skinned alive and rolled in salt.

  • Squiggy

    When women say that they don’t need a man to __________,……..

    The only time this phrase isn’t death to men, is when the blank is filled in with “pay the bills”. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to have a woman say that to me.

    Okay, once, when I dated a doctor. But she was so schizo/needy that the money aspect faded quickly.

  • Kimski

    @Ken 8:08pm

    I concur.
    The re-direction-strategy is eminent when dealing with the female gender, especially if you tell them something nice about themselves. Works like a charm.
    And when you realize, that only kids buy into the same BS without thinking, then it becomes down-right hilarious to do it with a straight face !!
    Great article!!

  • JimM

    Another great article from Dr. Palmatier; hopefully the wisdom she offers on relationships will make more readers consider becoming MGTOW.

  • Ken

    9. “I like a man who isn’t afraid to open up and share his feelings.”

    NEVER tell a woman what you’re thinking.
    She’ll store this information in her ammo dump to be used later at best.
    She’ll view you with contempt for having feelings at worse.
    Redirect her prying by saying, “I was just thinking about how beautiful and sexy you look today”.

  • Bombay

    Nice article. There was mention of deal-makers – perhaps a future piece could review these.

  • Mr. Knight

    Mr. Elam:

    When women say that they don’t need a man for __________, they are saying that they attribute no value to men and don’t recognize any rights to be accorded to men.

    Paradoxically, they tend to still expect men to pay their bills one way or another.

  • Mr. Knight

    I look forward to this author’s work. It’s great.

    The response recommended for statement #4 is awesome.

  • http://avoiceformen.com/ Paul Elam

    Great article. If I may presume to add one to your list, Dr. Palmatier, it is the ubiquitous:

    I don’t need a man to___________

    Fill in whatever you like at the end, up to an including, raise a child.

    There is certainly something great about independent women, and neediness is a real turn off, but really confident women don’t need such proclamations, especially when just getting to know someone.

    I have heard this one from more than a few women. ALL of them were absolute losers.







Right.

Man up.

Buy the book now on Amazon.com. Or listen to Ronnie tell a story at escaping-from-reality.com.

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