Unequal in Arguments

2010-02-02
By

Insistence: While we might expect men to be more forceful than women in marital arguments, the research shows just the opposite, surprising our expectations.

Women tend to be more insistent, according to various researchers including John Gottman [i] at the University of Washington. Women argue more forcefully in almost half again as many marriages as men.

In the most lopsided arguments where only one argues and the other remains silent, by a ratio of 6 to 1, it is the woman who continues to argue and the man who remains silent. So in these most severe arguments, we see an almost complete separation between men and women.

Overwhelmed and confused. Men are typically more stressed and confused in arguments with women and remain bitter for longer afterward, while women are more comfortable amid verbal jousts, recover from them more quickly, and are ready for another round. Generally, it is fair to say that men are more intimidated in confrontations with women than the other way around.

Men are not blindfolded and gagged in arguments with women  — it just seems that way.

Origins: Insistence has been a viable tactic for women, to test the strength of a commitment, while a reluctance to offend has been a more viable for men, who must rely on women to transport their genes into the next generation.

Suggestions: Marriages are better when men and women participate about equally. Amid our typical arguments, we offer a few obvious suggestions for men and for women:

To better resolve conflict, you must learn to be more comfortable with it. Recognize that it is normal for women to be more easily upset and irritated than men, but that women also get over it faster. Do not interpret it as a great catastrophe when your mate is bothered about something. Stay involved, and try to talk it out.

You might realize that men are more vulnerable in conflict than they appear and slower to recover from it.  Be careful to accurately gauge how much stress your accusations inflict, and make allowances.

Implications: If men were ordinarily more forceful in marital squabbles, then an increase in female power would promote equality. But since women are ordinarily more forceful, as observations indicate, the same solution pushes us farther apart. Men withdraw in the face of female accusation, leaving marriages emotionally barren and inhospitable. The challenge is to strike a proper balance, so that men and women can participate together and gain the best from each other.

Adapted from Opposites as Equals by Richard Driscoll, Ph.D., with Nancy Ann Davis, Ph.D.

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[i] J. Gottman and R. Levenson, “The Social Psychophysiology of Marriage.” In P. Noller and M. Fitzpatric (eds.), Perspectives on Marital Interaction (Clevedon, Avon, England: Multilingual Matters, 1988), 182–202.

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  • http://www.shatterdmen.com shattered men

    “Men are typically more stressed and confused in arguments with women and remain bitter for longer afterward, while women are more comfortable amid verbal jousts, recover from them more quickly”

    This is just the opposite of what I have seen. Often jokes can tell a lot about a society and some of the jokes center around women remembering what a man was wearing, exactly what he said and the date he said it. Most men do not remember what the last agrument was about and they are more forgiven. One has only to look at almost every man that has spent years in prison for a rape he did not do and see that most do not seek revenge.

    I do wonder…was this from more feminist research?

    It is also one reason many men will not report being abused

  • Phillip

    I can’t say I agree with this article. Perhaps it is just the women I have known but in my experience I have found that women are by far more intense, insulting and out-of-control as well as the one most likely to hold a grudge and wreak vengeance, deserved or not, long beyond any real or perceived wrong done them.
    Divorce is one example; women are far more ruthless and vengeful even to the point of using and damaging their children in the process to obtain their pound of flesh sometimes long after the alleged action that is blamed for the split.

  • http://theOppositeSex.info Dr. D

    Phillip, shattered men:

    Good comments, and I agree with you fully. Women do tend to be more easily offended and quicker to anger, and are more apt to hold grudges and initiate further arguments.

    The Gottman finding is that men are more stressed in arguments, tend to feel trashed and bitter afterwards, and take longer to recover. Women, in contrast, are more comfortable in arguments and tend to recover faster from them.

    So, who is ready to start the next argument? The man who felt overwhelmed and trashed in the last argument, who got the wind knocked out of him? Probably not. He wants to forget about the whole altercation and find some way to reconcile and avoid further arguments.

    How about the woman who had a relatively easier time in the last argument? She would be the one who is ready for another round.

    While it may seem paradoxical, those who are most trashed in arguments want peace and quiet, while those who are better at arguing are willing to do more of it. Taking offense, tracking grievances, and holding a grudge are all ways to prepare yourself for the next argument.

    I hope this helps.

    Dr. D.






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