The Truth About Men: Revealing the Mysteries of the Men’s Weekends

The Truth About Men: Revealing the Mysteries of the Men’s Weekends. By Howard J. Fox. Rhinebeck, New York: Epigraph Books, 2009. 153 pp. $16.95. www.epigraphPS.com; www.howardjfox.com

Los Angeles-based “cooperative divorce” lawyer Howard J. Fox has produced a book that I believe is unique: a true introduction for the uninitiated to the benefits of and issues that can be addressed by men’s weekends and by weekly men’s groups.

Fox confronts an awkward difficulty in writing this book: It is hard to devise a way to meaningfully convey what these groups and weekends do because of the confidentiality of such groups, and the fact that naked transcripts of events going on there, even if suitably anonymized, might seem strange and hard to relate to for precisely those readers for whom his book is designed.

The author finds a good solution: He strategically combines overviews of the types of issues treated by such weekends and groups with specific, though anonymous, examples, of actual problems men have successfully addressed. Unfortunately, the schematic outlines proliferate over the focused examples, and inevitably the former prove much less interesting and also significantly less successful at conveying the flavor of the weekends and groups.

I took minor issue with the author’s impatience with men discussing barriers and problems in their life. I generally agree with Fox that groups and weekends focus on the positive and do not allow men to wallow in self-pity or in exhaustive, exhausting reviews of the various forces supposedly (or even actually) arrayed against them. Nevertheless, in my experience in (gulp!) almost a quarter-century of participation in such groups and weekends, men are allowed to vent their frustrations for a bit longer than the “30 seconds” for which Fox tells us is the period in men’s work for which complaints are listened to. Similarly, I cannot entirely agree with the author’s statement, “Men’s work is concerned only with positive messages and positive results.” I believe that wholesale exclusion of supposedly “negative” energy would itself (to use a term from men’s work) create a “shadow” that would impede the full success of the work. However, I fully agree with the author’s statement later in the same paragraph, “We dwell on the positive; we strive for what positive changes we can make in ourselves.”

It is not hard to see that in fact Fox does see value in “negative” self-expression. One of the most powerful parts of the entire book is the half-page devoted to the story of the legless veteran who attended a men’s weekend and “began to talk about the missile that killed all his buddies and blew off both his legs, but his first words ended in piercing cries and screams, and his entire body shuddered in grief.” Movingly, without a word, the men picked him up and marched around the room, spontaneously shouting, “Warrior! Warrior! Warrior!” This man thereby received the honoring and accessed the grief that he had suppressed up to that time. His life was transformed from then on out for the rest of his life, precisely through the expression of what some—though not Howard J. Fox–might mistakenly view as “negative” emotions.

Fox is excellent in showing us how helpful it is for us to identify our “terms,” meaning principles that define us as men and that we will not compromise. Examples of common terms include: I protect and provide for my family, I am impeccable at work, I keep my word, I take responsibility for my health, and I have one night a week for myself. The book’s last proper chapter is excellent also, showing us how to “go for the gold” or truth within ourselves and how other men can serve as our mirrors, showing us facets of ourselves that it is easier for us to see externally rather than within ourselves. Such “mirrors” can often be painful, and we may project onto that other man “negative” characteristics due to our unhappiness at seeing displayed aspects of ourselves that we don’t like. But once identified, such “mirrors” can help us move ahead in our growth.

Fox’s book is extremely accessible even if you have never spent one minute at a men’s group or men’s weekend and don’t have the slightest idea what they are. In fact, I would especially recommend reading this book if you know little about such events and have a mild or even strong feeling that there is nothing in men’s weekends or men’s groups for you. The author’s empathy shines through on every page. And you may well discover a new set of resources that can move you ahead in the rest of your life.