Parental Alienation: Why Kids Usually Side with the Custodial Parent Especially If They’re Abusive
Do your children refuse to see you since you and your ex separated? When you actually get to see your kid(s), do they lash out at you? Do they know things about your break-up or divorce that they shouldn’t know? Do they “diagnose” or berate you by using adult terms and expressions that are beyond their years?
If so, you’re probably experiencing the effects of parental alienation or hostile aggressive parenting. It’s normal to have hard feelings at the end of a significant relationship, however, you have a choice about how you handle it.
Most cases of parental alienation occur in dissolved marriages/relationships, break ups, and divorces in which there’s a high degree of conflict, emotional abuse and/or mental illness or personality disorders.
If you were emotionally abused by your ex while you were still together, then your kid(s) learned some powerful lessons about relationships, especially if you had a “no talk” policy about the rages, yelling, emotional withdrawal, cold silences and verbal attacks. Children are adversely affected by witnessing constant conflict and overt and covert relational abuse, no matter their age.
Emotionally and/or physically abusive women and men are scary when on the attack, which probably makes it all the more confusing to see your ex turn your child(ren) against you. Don’t your kids see how out of whack their mom or dad is being? Don’t they know that you love them and how much you want to be in their lives? Don’t they realize they need you now more than ever? Yes and no.
On some level, they do know this. Nonetheless, they’re lashing out at you like mini-versions of your ex. Why?
It’s not that confusing if you think about it from a child’s perspective. Children depend utterly upon their custodial parent. Seeing mom or dad lose it and out of control is anxiety provoking, if not downright terrifying. The following are possible reasons why your ex’s campaign of parental alienation may be successful.
1. You left them alone with the crazy person. You got out and they didn’t. They’re mad that you’re not there anymore to intervene, act as a buffer, protect them or take the brunt of it.
2. Self-preservation. They see how your ex is treating you because she or he is angry with you. Your kid(s) don’t want your ex’s wrath directed at them. It’s like making “friends” with the school bully so they don’t pick on you.
3. Fear of loss. They’re worried that if they anger or displease your ex that they’ll be emotionally and/or physically banished, too. This is especially true if your ex used to shut you out, give you the cold shoulder and/or ignore you when she or he was upset with you. Your kids probably fear your ex will do this to them if they don’t go along with her or him.
4. They’re mad at you. You’re no longer physically present at home, which they experience as a psychological loss. Many kids experience this as betrayal and/or abandonment. Even if they can recognize that you didn’t have a happy marriage, they still want mom and dad to be together.
Loss, whether it’s physical (death) or psychological (divorce), requires a mourning period. Children aren’t psychologically equipped to handle grief and mourning. Pending other developmental milestones, kids don’t have the psychological capacity to successfully navigate loss until mid-adolescence. If you’d died, they could idealize your memory. However, you’re alive and chose to leave (or your ex chose for you). How do you mourn the loss of someone who’s not dead? It takes a level of intellectual sophistication children don’t possess not to vilify the physically absent parent—especially when your ex isn’t capable of it as an adult.
5. Rewards and punishment. Your ex “rewards” the kids (material goods, praise, trips and fun activities—probably with your support money—oh the irony) for siding with her, being cruel to you or cutting you off. If your kid(s) stand up for you or challenge your ex’s smear campaign, they’re chastised, lose privileges or have affection withheld from them. Remember how your ex used to treat you when she or he was displeased? It’s way scarier when you’re a kid. You have options as an adult that your children don’t.
6. The good son or daughter. They see how upset and out of control your ex is and want to take care of and make her or him “better.” They try to do this by doing what your ex wants, which is being hostile toward you and/or excluding you from their lives. This creates what psychologists refer to as the parentified child. Parentification forces a child to shoulder emotions and responsibilities for which she or he isn’t developmentally prepared and is also a form of child abuse.
Emotional parentification is particularly destructive for children and frequently occurs in parental alienation cases. The custodial parent implicitly or explicitly dumps their emotional needs on the child. The child becomes the parent’s confidante, champion/hero and surrogate for an adult partner. This is extremely unhealthy as it robs children of their childhood and leads to difficulty in having normal adult relationships later in life.
7. Power and control. They see the power your ex wields by behaving in an abusive and hurtful way toward you. They can wield the same power by acting out and hurting you, too. A child or teenager’s first taste of power can be thrilling for them. Of course, what they’re learning from you ex is how to gain control by being an emotionally abusive bully.
8. It’s good to be the victim. The more your ex plays the professional victim to friends, family and the legal system, the more benefits she or he gains—deferential treatment, sympathy, power and money. The kids mirror your ex’s victim mentality and behaviors and use it to net their own gains.
A combination of the above reasons probably applies to child(ren) siding with your abusive and alienating ex, particularly when you’ve been a good and loving parent. It’s demoralizing to have your kid(s) slap or push you away each time you reach out to them. It’s maddening that family court in many cases is blind to the abuses of parental alienation. Try to keep in mind that most children aren’t consciously aware that the above phenomena are occurring. Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier to be the emotional and financial punching bag for your ex and children.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Originally published at A Shrink for Men on March 6, 2009
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Dr Tara J. Palmatier holds a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology and M.Sc. in Counseling Psychology. She has over a decade of experience delivering direct services to diverse populations in a variety of settings. She left the clinical field in 2005 to begin a career in multimedia editing, writing and consulting. Dr Palmatier is presently the principal clinical writer and editor for the Mastering My Life program, which provides confidential guided therapy sessions on a variety of life issues. She also runs her own blog, A Shrink for Men, and a private relationship consultation practice for individuals, primarily men, who are suffering emotional abuse in their relationships. Dr. Palmatier has a strong interest in the application of psychoanalytic theory to the Arts. Her dissertation, Ceci N’Est Pas Une Thèse: An Applied Psychoanalysis of René Magritte (May 2004) examines early childhood parental object loss, incomplete mourning, repetition compulsion and creative outcomes. Dr. Palmatier is a member of the board of directors of the Hospice Education Institute, a member of the American Psychological Association, a former graduate member of the British Psychological Society, and past coordinator of Jungian Seminars in Switzerland. | More from Dr. Tara J. Palmatier
Stumble It!
Though Andrey Pogudin (or Andrei Pogudin) has not visited my son in over two years, repeatedly threatened to sue me for “religious rights violations” if I raised my son in the Christian faith, claiming this violates his rights as an atheist, he has sent me two unwanted text messages letting me know he is now on “pilgrimage” in Italy, that he “saw a holy shroud in Turin. Next thing is to meet the Pope.” It is impossible for me as the parent of the most amazing little boy to believe this man not only chooses to spends his holidays thousands of miles from a beautiful son he’s not seen in years, after suing me for “frequent and liberal visitation,” but that he makes light of it, sending me outlandish texts about his religious “pilgrimage” – a self-proclaimed atheist who thought he could forbid me from raising my son in the Christian faith using his never-ending threats of legal action.
This is just one example of too many, the most recent example, of extreme parental neglect, abandonment and cruelty. Naturally, for Andrey Pogudin, claims of “parental alienation” are impossible as he lives it up on an extended vacation in Italy, after telling his son he’d be at his birthday party, would go with him to Arizona for spring break, but refusing to fulfill any of his promises for over two years.
Any child put into a situation such as this by a parent, any child whose little heart has been broken again and again by a parent will naturally feel deep pain and anger. It is the devoted parent’s job to then heal that wounded child. But if a child “lashes out” or refuses to see his or her parent, it simply may be because this is the most natural reaction to severe neglect. Again, I do not for a moment doubt that “parental alienation” is very real, that it causes profound damage and pain in families, but the very same behaviors identified in the article above are also the obvious result of the parental cruelty involved in, for example, a father who taunts his son with promises of happy visits then chooses to take off on holiday to Italy. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO COMPREHEND THE SELFISHNESS, THE CRUELTY OF SUCH A PARENT.
I am sure that any parent who is truly the victim of “parental alienation” would find himself disgusted by such cruel and callous parental conduct. One day Andrey Pogudin may just find himself curious about the wonderful child I’ve raised on my own under tremendously difficult circumstances, may actually decide he’d prefer to see that child as opposed to heading out on another European holiday, but then it will be too late. The damage has been done, and any opportunity to misuse the “parental alientation” claim died a long time ago. But my son has the unconditional love and constant support of a determined and committed mother who will assure that Andrey Pogudin will not send my son through life with the emotional baggage carried by so many neglected and abandoned children. My son will always know that he is loved and worthy and deserving of the best life has to offer – that only a fool would not recognize that.
While some parents may well play the “professional victim,” it may just appear this way when victimization takes place as a consequence of long-term abuse. While I have no personal experience with claims of “parental alienation,” I have long expected them as a defense for the emotional neglect and abandonment carried out by my son’s father, Andrey Pogudin. But he makes no defense for not having seen his son in OVER TWO YEARS after suing me for, ironically enough, “frequent and liberal visitation”!! He filed this lawsuit after he decided “he was destined to be an Oxford man” and signed up for a graduate program at the University of Oxford despite his advanced age, just before beginning a new job in a senior position at RBS in London, and while he was supposed to be fathering a toddler – suspicious timing? A child can quite inevitably come to detest a parent who makes promises to visit then breaks each and every one. Andrey Pogudin promised me and my son he’d attend my son’s 5th birthday party, then refused. He promised my son he’d accompany him on a trip to Arizona, discussed the plans with him over time and then, despite not having seen his own flesh and blood for TWO YEARS, said Arizona wouldn’t work out. The damage this does to a child is tremendous and beyond the scope of a brief post. And the rage it naturally creates in a parent who witnesses the impact on her child is very natural and to be expected. But parents who rightfully feel such rage don’t in these instances have the luxury of dwelling on their anger because they have children with deep emotional needs. I must focus my energy on building up my son’s self-esteem, his sense of trust, and must always remind him in so many ways that he is perfect just as he is and that he deserves the best life has to offer, even when his father may be sending, through profound neglect and cruel words, the exact opposite message. No easy task.
I don’t doubt that Parental Alienation is very real, but I also don’t doubt that its existence as a defined phenomenon (particularly in legal circles) makes it a handy excuse for parental neglect, abandonment, etc. It’s also gives the neglectful parent a way to behave in the most irresponsible fashion possible then blame the one parent who IS there for the child, working hard to attend to damage done, for the inevitable outcome. Children may well “refuse to see [a parent],” may “lash out at [a parent]” when that parent has so terribly hurt that innocent and undeserving child, has created such pain and turmoil in that child’s life that such a response is the only one to be expected. Irresponsible and callous parents who cause long-term emotional harm to their children may well wave the “I’m a Victim of Parental Alienation” flag when admitting the truth about the inevitable consequences of neglect and abandonment are too shameful, legally inconvenient, etc.. In the end, it still needs to be about what is best for the child, and devoted parents, as hard as it can be at times, MUST stay focused on providing unconditional love and support, especially when dealing with parents who cry “parental alienation” instead of taking responsibility for the hurt and pain they’ve caused to the most innocent.
In selfish terms, PAS is a particularly difficult thing for a man to experience. In addition to the usual social shunning and vilification process of family break-up, to reshape responsibility and accountability in a family court. The isolation from our children, that morphs into disdain and alienation, seems to finally seal our fate. Years go by and we watch our children mature through parental alienation to gender alienation. I wonder if we will ever again find anything better in ourselves.
After the mother kept the child for 14 from the father, the 22 year grown up has no interest on him.
http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/missing-woman-interest-reuniting-father-14-years/story?id=10073748
“When the Family Courts themselves are great “Parental Alienaters” with their quite standard “2 weekends a month and maybe a day betwween for the non-custodial parent (85% of the time, Dad), what can a person do that is exposed to this abuse??”
Yep, family courts aid and abet P.A. http://tinyurl.com/y8uklbo
A group of us carried that sign and others as we demonstrated in this 2009 Fatherless Day protest in front of the downtown, Los Angeles courthouse, and now it’s on Youtube,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91eY5m5KDn0
We’re (L.A. MRA’s & FRA’s) trying to reunite kids and dads.
http://tinyurl.com/y8r76t5 (This one is Photoshopped)
Those words first appeared on a truck sign and driven on the streets six years ago, when Warren Farrell ran for Governor of California, “Warren Farrell for Governor – Reunite Kids & Dads”
This society says that husbands, children, their fathers and other family members are soley there for womens sexual, economic and any other purposes she chooses at her discretion.
No other parties to the family have independent standing or status within it except women as wives or mothers. Other family members had better serve her purposes or loose their footing in the home.
Something this society overlooks of this mendacious social model however is that it literaly handicaps females increasingly to an economic, moral and spiritual parasitism.
That is, an existential parasitism in a sense that her character becomes no longer a relevant consideration to the public authorities whom eternaly reward her soleye on the basis of gender always, when her character is exceedingly very relevant to those whom are around her.
When the Family Courts themselves are great “Parental Alienaters” with their quite standard “2 weekends a month and maybe a day betwween for the non-custodial parent (85% of the time, Dad), what can a person do that is exposed to this abuse?? The children are caught, they need to get along with this beast and eventually, even the strongest submit to its grasp. The stealing of a child’s childhood is the main accomplishment of such activities and probably will lead to a life long struggle for the children to everregain their selves and any piece on this earth. I know of “children” in their 30′s and 40′s who still struggle with the effects off parental alienation. Alienation can best be compared to a hypnotists spell, but instead of the finger snap, an affected child is set off with a voice intonation, inflection, a raising of the eyebrow, or a shift in body posture by the alienater and BINGO!!! right back to be under the control of the slavemasre, alienater.
“4. They’re mad at you. You’re no longer physically present at home, which they experience as a psychological loss. Many kids experience this as betrayal and/or abandonment. Even if they can recognize that you didn’t have a happy marriage, they still want mom and dad to be together.”
Yep. http://tinyurl.com/ya9bdjk
It is a major mistake to think that only non-custodial parents are targets of parental alienation tactics. This is not the case. It can happen to any parent. Both non-custodial and custodial parents have lost their kids to alienating parents.