Can an Abusive Borderline Personality Disorder Woman Really Change?

Oh poor scott. Run run and never look back. I’ve been through this, she won’t change, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. The last thing you want is to have children with this woman then a divorce. You will be a slave forever and nobody will care one bit, unless you miss the support payment.

Your self esteem is ruined, work on that, you deserve better!

@Scott

I know you’ve probably been pretty busy getting this whole thing psycho analyized, but you might try to find time to call CPS to investigate the “well being” of that child. Especially now that you know “SHE IS A DANGEROUS PERSON” and “she should be in jail for physical abuse and reckless endangerment”.

And then, if you are not completely satisfied with Dr T’s advice, you might want to try that drill sargent on the Geico commercial. He is sure to get you straightened right out with your healing process.

Awesome as Always!

Great article!

You Da Woman!

Micky T says, “… you might try to find time to call CPS to investigate the ‘well being’ of that child.” That is horrible advice! Don’t EVER call the “Child Protective Service” on someone. There is no quicker or more reliable way to ruin a child’s life than to get government A**H***s involved. Before you make such a suggestion again, I implore you to do some research into who those people really are and the incredible damage they do.

@ Jdl

Firstly, Iv’e seen no suggestions, or better yet, any mention of the child’s safety here. All I see is focus Mr “healing process” and how lucky we are to have the good doctor anaylize this unfortunate man’s perdiciment in such an “Awesome” way.

The purpose of the suggestion is to show people that they should consider others who are less fortunate than themselves, instead of being consumed with self. What does that remind you of?

“That is horrible advice! Don’t EVER call..”

We called, and it helped some without doing harm. Of course, we didn’t expect it to do “wonders”, but again, it helped.

Do always make such absolute assertions about things which you can’t possibly know everything about?

I am well aware that CPS can do more harm than good. But, sometimes just the knowledge that they are on the case will cause the mother to “behave” better, which is exactly what is happening in my family
right now.

Dr T gave us her professional opinion stating that the mother is “DANGEROUS” and she “should be in jail for physical abuse…” and Scott, an adult male is “lucky to be out of this relationship physically intact and alive”. A child living with a person like that is alarming.

I’ve not heard anyone say that anythiing is being done to investigate etc, so if it is between CPS and nothing, I’ll go with CPS.

Calling CPS may help or it may make things worse. There’s no way to predict. Although, my experience of children and family services is that they often do more harm than good. Generally, they are staffed by underpaid, bitter, female-biased social workers with an axe to grind (usually against men) and lots of power issues.

Typically when CPS is called, mom gets her shit together for the afternoon, children’s services does their scheduled home visit, they check to see if the child and the home are clean and case closed. Or, worse yet, as I witnessed when I worked at a Methadone clinic, the drug addled crazy mothers get chance after chance after chance after chance until the child gets hurt or sick and then, finally, CPS intervenes…maybe.

For example, I had a former male patients at the methadone clinic who had been drug free for 3 years, was on maintenance and doing well who had had a child with an off-the-charts BPD woman who was still actively using heroin, oxy’s, benzos—basically anything she could get her hands on (she was court ordered to submit to drug screens, btw, and it didn’t deter her). Everytime her tox screens came up dirty, she would quickly check herself into rehab (on the state’s dime) to avoid losing custody and the checks she received from the state to care for their son. My patient was a good dad and was actively seeking custody, but the courts wouldn’t take the child away from its “mother.”

Finally, one afternoon, my client went to her Sec. 8 apartment in the worst part of town (my patient had a home in a good neighborhood with a good school district) to pick up their son at the mutually agreed upon visitation pick-up time. When he arrived to his ex’s apartment, the door was ajar. He walked in and saw his ex passed out on the couch, cigarette burning and dangling between her fingers (lots of cigarette burn marks on the carpet surrounding the couch), ashtrays overflowing with butts and ashes on the coffee table and their 4-year old son in dirty diapers scavenging through MacDonald’s wrappers in the kitchen garbage for food.

My patient took photos and videos on his camera phone, went back to court and was granted emergency custody. Even after all this, his ex’s children’s services MSW/caseworker was still pushing for his ex to resume custody after her umpteenth stint in rehab. She didn’t get it (thank goodness) and my former patient was granted permanent full custody, but only after his son was subjected to 4 years of this hell.

My point is that calling children’s services is like playing Russian Roulette. It may work out great, it may not accomplish anything (except to make the BPD more enraged and paranoid) or it may make things much worse. In a perfect world, you should be able to call CPS for a child to get help. This is not a perfect world.

Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara,
We readers at MND are so lucky to have a female mental health professional who tells it like it is, rather than ambiguously leaving loop holes for lay readers to get confused. The feminist likely hat you for being so direct.
The headline can BPD change proposes the possibility that they may change for worse. Or if they change for better, revert to their previous behavior.
I particularly like your explanation about “love bomb” , when I met religious people or some women I didn’t now there was a method to their madness.

It is difficult to take the targeted “victim” in your analysis seriously, while ignoring the real victim.

So good to see Dr. Tara here again!! It’s been a while.

Hi Mickey,

The child didn’t write to me, the ex-bf, who was indeed a target, wrote to me. His ex-gf’s child is not his, therefore, even if he did want to intervene to protect the child, he wouldn’t have a legal leg to stand on. Additionally, he would probably end up being charged with harassment and child molestation as a form of retribution for reporting her to children’s services. As for the real biological father, who knows where he is. Probably cut out of his child’s life by the mother and the system and no doubt sending her a fat support check every month.

As far as I’m concerned, the child is not Scott’s responsibility. If you want to be angry and indignant, why not direct it toward the abusive woman and the crazy effed up system that doesn’t really protect the safety and rights of children, but rather protects and enables their mothers, no matter how toxic, abusive and dangerous they are just because they’re women who have reproduced (like the tens of thousands of other lower level species) and nothing is more sacred than that in our society. (Sorry for the sarcasm).

This is clearly a woman who has no business having a pet bunny rabbit much less a dependent child, but some poor bastard ignored the warning signs and got her pregnant so that she could have a weapon/small hostage/bait (many of these types of women use their children to entrap new targets/men by fostering an attachment between boyfriend du jour and child, to keep them in the relationship).

I feel sorry for a child with a mother like this and, in an ideal world, there would be a way to intervene. Unfortunately, this kid will become the next generation of abuser/abused. This is just one of the tragic results of becoming involved with a fertile predator.

Best,
Dr Tara J. Palmatier

Firstly, You’re are sort of “preaching to the choir”. I saw the inequities between men and women around the age of puberty, which was before the women’s movement began. I’ve watched women steadily erode our culture for the past 40 years, and I put forth efforts to fight it for all those years. I’ve taken a great deal of abuse from women all through the years because of my views and actions.

I don’t think that child is Scott’s responsibility, however, as a man, I believe he should show some concern, which I couldn’t see. I don’t know his age, but he seems old enough to know that. Also, he should be aware that MOST women today use, abuse or neglect their children in one way or another (dispute it if you will, but that debate is for another day). It is the Scotts who are partly (some would argue entirely) responsible for the cesspool we all now live in. Again, age.

Although I don’t know many of the details of Scott’s specific situation, I use him symbolically. A man holds another man to certain standards. It appears, he could have walked away from the disaster waiting to happen, at almost anytime, making a clean break. And, that child is symbolic of the “inhumane” priorities of today’s decaying culture.

Thank you for suggesting where I might direct my “anger” etc, but I need no advice on that. I’ve been focusing most of my resources, for at least the last 15 years, on the unborn. Which is, in my opinion, our greatest societal ill. If we slaughter our young for ANY reason, not just to appease a certain of women, we are nothing more than barbarians.

You are right, there is the least amount of protection for the most innocent and helpless. Beginning with the unborn.

As far as those gals carelessly spitting out babies for money or lack of responsibilty, I’ve always been in favor of mandatory. sterilization.

But, since we know how this decadence came about, I choose to focus much of my effort on the political aspect.

@Dr. Palmatier

I have been ‘mobbed’ in the workplace by a group of feminists. The frustrating part is white males have no legal protection against harassment and so are fair game for female BPDs. In the end the support I got was from, now get this, older successful feminists in positions of authority. Women who have actually experienced discrimination and overcome it found their ‘sisters’ behavior repulsive. They helped me turn the legal tables. Look if a woman goes around claiming that 95% of men are ‘abusers’ then the best thing men can do is ignore her. Don’t talk to her, ever. She is eventually going to ‘bait’ you into saying something she can twist so just don’t open that door. They are out their and most are alone for good reason.

…and election time is like christmas in certain circles… offensive and idiotic personalities aimed at “woman” is heavily produced.

I am a woman with BPD, professionally diagnosed. Thank you so much for this comment: “It may explain some of her behaviors, but it does NOT excuse them.” I can’t speak for all of us, but I feel such extreme guilt for my mood swings and emotional outbursts (which are never, ever like what the letter-writer described; they are more like crying “feel sorry for me” emotional swings or rants against strangers, which is dangerous) that I am constantly apologizing. When I’m back in “normal” mode, I think back on my behavior and am absolutely humiliated, and there really is no excuse for it. Yes, it is perfectly explained, but completely out of line and changeable. I am currently in therapy, and the first thing I need to learn is how to recognize when I’m having an “episode.”
My boyfriend is amazing. However, he can’t change me. He can only learn the skills to protect himself (we are making some good strides in that regard), and I am the one who needs to re-learn my personality. That said, if this woman does not recognize her behavior as unacceptable, if she can’t get out of the cloud long enough to admit she has a problem, I suggest you leave. You can’t change her, and constantly being abused and defensive will have a psychological impact on your own brain.
I really do love the response to this question, because the strongest thing you can do for yourself is learn to recognize when you are not being treated as an equal, and to pay attention to “emotional bullshit” in yourself and others. You can only sweep your side of the street, so to speak.
While the “no one gets a pass” section gets a wee bit subjective, the message is completely true. It is my own responsibility to learn to control my behavior, and that’s exactly what therapy for BPD entails. No one can do my legwork for me.
Interestingly enough, psychological literature regarding BPD says that “women with BPD go to treatment. Men with BPD go to jail.” There will always be double standards, and yes it sucks.
My relationship works because I know I have a problem. I want to hear how I make my partner feel. I want him to be able to tell me when I hurt him, and I desperately want to control my behavior. If he left, I would think very hard about why I lost the best thing in my life. It would be a wake-up call like no other. We are making awesome progress, because my eyes were opened and I knew what was “wrong” with me, rather than to continue being and making others miserable. I could catch it and see it happening, and I became accountable for my actions in a way that is indescribably freeing. I can change my personality.
I say “we” are making progress, because we all want to be our best person. When I am open about my faults (and there are many), he says it causes him to think about ways he could make his own life better. The keys are respect, communication, and accountability. I was not able to start working on this problem until last year, when I was diagnosed. Once I saw the problem, I could start fixing it, and I am.
Some people just never see the problem. Run away from those people.

Sounds like this person is suffering from the Toxic Trio’s.  Sounds like my ex-son-in-law.

Sorry, but not everyone works on their behavior like you have done. Most don’t believe they have a problem. They believe their own lies.