I first thought it might be a good idea to write an essay like this a few months ago after I got back from a date in which a girl started our conversation by asking “have you ever wondered if Christ was actually a man? My friends and I think that Jesus could have been a woman.” I did not spit out my food but swallowed it and then sanely refuted the blasphemy. I said to her “you’re not going to convince anyone of that argument down here and, if you really do believe in God, what’s he going to say, post-mortem, about this line of diatribe?” I don’t think I convinced her but at least I did not have a temper tantrum like I would have a few years ago. Now I know how to handle myself. So, with all the bizarre exchanges I’ve had to endure over the years, I figured that maybe a few of you might profit, or at least be entertained by, the beatings I’ve taken and the insight they have provided.

The world we inhabit is a very libertine one and conservatives like you and I must negotiate it with supreme caution. We as males have no choice but to ski over the moguls that society has set up for us. Blame it on the basso nova, testosterone or the art of Steven Hanks but, regardless, you and I are in this mating game for life. We either adapt or die off and I’m choosing the former option.

One initial point I’d like to make is that my suggestions, except for Rule Four, do not apply to serious relationships. That’s an entirely different situation. You better be Mr. Open if this girl is there for the duration. What I’m preaching here is the art of confusion and omission so short-term successes are available to you. What happens after that is up to you but don’t let politics interfere with enjoying life and women are an indisputable component of happy days and nights. What I’m suggesting is that you put out spin which isn’t deceitful yet never answers any questions. What conservative males need is a way to get through the initial “icebreaking” period. This will allow the female that you’ve met to give you a chance long enough for her to know what a wonderful person you are as opposed to the hormonally-addled, protorapist that the media has portrayed you to be. Then she might be able to overlook your lack of dedication to her planned Khmer Rouge-like program for the redistribution of wealth and social upheaval that she once heard someone advocate (and would truly work provided it didn’t apply to her!).

Again, if you are able to marry a girl who happens to be a true “deep in the bunker” leftist, and not just a Democrat, then you should write a tome about it because that’s an achievement beyond amateurs like myself. If I married one of them I’d only end up mocking them 24/7 with phrases like “pass me the salt, oh, I’m sorry did I just entrench the patriarchy?” or “honey, is that you or your friends the Zapitistas cleaning their rifles on the floor?” Therefore, I proffer a few general rules for you to mull over.

RULE ONE: When you first meet a woman, never discuss politics under any

circumstances.

Yeah, this applies to the general population but it REALLY applies to us. People on the right have no idea how many young single females believe themselves to be liberals or Democrats. The odds are overwhelmingly against us and it’s Tobruk all over again. They’ve been taught that Republicans are evil “haters” of women and the poor. Why are they all like this? Sure, they’ve been brainwashed by their professors and by the media but also I hold there to be another psychological reason. I believe that an underlying desire for protection motivates them to admire the pro-big government cabal. If they vote Democratic, they will always have a hyperactive, Gore-like, government to “fight for them” out in this dangerous world. Let’s not even discuss how absurd such a belief is but the essential point to remember is that you cannot, even under torture, admit to being a Republican upon introduction. And for gosh sakes, don’t think that “Rightist” as a counter-description is helping your cause either.

Many of you perhaps believe that avoiding politics is obvious and can be easily done. Not any more. It’s a lot harder than you assume. Many of these women have been raised under the progressive education credo “that everybody has a legitimate opinion.” Well they don’t. This belief is misconstructed. A person can have an informed or an uninformed opinion. Ask me about physics and I’ll put forth a very uninformed opinion. These people have been lied to up and down about how the world belongs to them so they assume that they have very noble thoughts to share with everyone on every topic. (The Onion did a wonderful spoof on this called “Women Now Empowered By Everything a Woman Does.”)

I am improving but my capacity to keep my mouth shut regarding their opinions is always chancy at best. I can’t last very long and I usually try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I sincerely hope that you, unlike myself, are more successful in this regard. An example is needed here. Once I approached somebody and we began talking but then she instantly proceeded to “discuss” ideas with me like what a “bastard G.W. Bush is.” I stared in horror as she began ranting about the Kyoto Treaty and arsenic in the water. I icily replied that the Kyoto Treaty had been rejected by the full Senate, and that the arsenic issue was a poison pill left for Bush by Clinton. Billy ruthlessly imposed a new, and unneeded, standard into effect before he left office. I could tell by her facial expressions that it was over. After all, she doesn’t talk to feel stupid and nobody wants to date Foreign Minister Molotov. In her eyes, I had committed a grave act indeed and she regarded me as one of the Huns who threatened her life and all of her rights -which of course include abortion on demand and 75 weeks of employer sponsored, mental health leave every other year-.

Speaking of abortion, one even, after I inquired about her availability on a Sunday night, spontaneously began a long soliloquy about an article she had read in Health magazine stating that a woman’s right to abortion was about to be taken away by this “renegade administration.” I tried in vain to steer us back to what restaurant she wanted to meet at but failed to do so. I let her tirade expire without incident but the rhetoric got so offensive to me that I emailed her a cancellation and never talked to her again.

My words admittedly may not apply to you as I live in an area that is very hostile to conservatives and overwhelmingly Democratic. Chicago is as blue on the Democratic Party map as Malibu. The young women I frequently meet display a paradoxical lust for super-high status males while simultaneously fanatically worshipping their own independence as an end in itself. The predominant mindset in the city spreads quickly like influenza to newcomers and this is the case even with the nice ones who have moved to the big city from fine Illinois farming communities. Chicago seems to turn high quality red state girls into radical automatons of the sexual revolution. On two occasions I was ambushed by women who told me how ashamed they were to be from “conservative and backward” areas of our state and how happy they were to never return. One, even made fun of her friends who were married and “what suckers they were.” Now the only good thing about these types of women are that you never have to feel bad for whatever you do afterwards as nobody who disavows long-term commitments has a right to complain about quick evacuations from regions unworthy of our presence. Obviously, if they have no interest in getting married and are very promiscuous then they’ve filled out a written request for the sentence they will undoubtedly receive.

There are some guys though who refuse to adapt at all. At a street fair in Chicago, I saw a guy wearing a NRA t-shirt with a picture of Charleton Heston on it and it read “He’s my President.” I approached him and whispered, “Brother, you’re nuts to wear a shirt like that here.” He told me he “didn’t give a f—-” and that he loved the shirt. A dignified sentiment perhaps but ask yourself, as I so often do, “what am I here for?” When you’re at a huge event with 1,000 scantily dressed women and five dollar beers, it makes more sense to stay home and say I “love the shirt” without knocking yourself prematurely out of whatever box you desire finding yourself in.

RULE TWO: Do Not Bring Up Past Relationships.

I know, “that’s really obvious”, is how you’re responding to this and I understand that you may be inclined to skip reading this rule but nowadays it’s not a general rule at all but a fundamental commandment of dating. You cannot ever let a girl talk about past relationships. Such talk foreshadows doom for the conservative man. If you’re a fellow like myself and the most “experimentation” that you’ve ever done was within established heterosexual parameters and with only one other person, then you may find the “new brew” heart-stoppingly unacceptable. You can no longer even, in 2003, make the assumption that the girl you’re seeing won’t gag at the sound of the word “heterosexual.”

You are now (if you’re lucky!) dealing with women of Generation Y and you must realize that there is no way you can predict the type of Caligula-esque lifestyle that many of today’s young women have already experienced. They have been trained and indoctrinated to embrace sexuality and “being completely open” as mandates for living a fulfilled life. If you bring up the past in any form you might suddenly hear stories about multiple partners (this is what we used to call ‘pulling a train’ but ‘multiple partners’ is a PC phrase and it is intentionally banal). You absolutely don’t want to even inquire about the past when you’re casually dating someone. Once you ask and they tell you it’s as if the great gorgon of AIDS has entered the room and decided to perch itself above your bed. Then guess what happens? You feel so sick about her past, long-term considerations are gratefully unthinkable but short-term options are precluded as well.

Lesbianism is also known to this group as “experimentation.” Yes, they are open to new things and can’t wait to tell you about their minor that they just received in cunning linguism. They want to tell you about it in the same way you want to tell them about the awesome book you’ve just read or film that you’ve watched. We have no way to relate to this behavior. It usually gets ugly and almost did when I was standing with my friend at a party in January. We were talking to two girls and, all was well until one said: “Tell us about you guys? It looks like you might take showers together?” Such talk is beyond offensive to me and deserves nuclear response. I chose to use a bow and arrow instead and, in the voice of a School Master, delivered a lecture on the Kinsey study (spurious to be sure) and highlighted that male sexuality exists at two extremes with practically nothing in between. Surely I bored them to death but it was better than what I wanted to do.

One must remember that they might overstate this aspect of their lives and you can’t ever know if they’ve actually done all the things they say so the best advice is to avoid the topic altogether. They are used to the 21 year-old males with coral necklaces on television asking girls to make-out with their friends in order to entertain them. We are not like those guys. We are conservative males who are repulsed by Jezebels. Therefore, it’s best not to address this issue at all. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Homosexuality or bisexuality is never acceptable in a significant other as they cannot, by definition, be completely loyal to you. Once a card like that is put on the table, there’s no taking it off.

RULE THREE: Materialism.

I know that a lot of you will be outraged about me saying what I’m about to say but I think we have to cut women slack about their infatuation with trinkets and ‘stuff.’ We have to stop complaining about how materialistic they are. Okay, if it were up to me I’d eat at Chipotle every Friday night but it’s not up to me and I, and you, must accept this fact. They like “nice” (read-expensive) places and “nice” clothes and we can’t change it. You’ll never win this one so I think you should drop it.

Think of it this way, if you’re like me, and you only swoon for feminine women then you cannot hold their materialism against them. Look, you want them to be feminine so you have to accept that they are very concerned about their appearance and status and this means buying things from nice stores and boutiques. It goes with the territory. It’s part of the business and we must accept it- within legitimate confines. By “legitmate confines” I mean something that does not destroy credit. Heck if they have high paying jobs then they deserve to spend money on themselves. Why not? And if they save some too, then all the better. These women deserve a break. Would you prefer that they wanted to hang out at truck stops with you or that they chewed tobacco and wore baseball caps everywhere? Of course not because skirts and dresses rule! Unfortunately, some of these dresses are purchased at Neiman-Marcus. Oh well, man, you have to be flexible and tolerate an acceptable amount of shopping. It is built into the deal. We have no right to make deal breakers out of issues like these.

RULE FOUR: Break out the truth went the city is under siege.

If you are a genuinely foolish individual who publishes things under his real name (particularly if you have a strange name like, say, I don’t know, “Bernard”) and you document in writing your inflammatory views regarding the phonies and phonynesses of political correctness, then there is a good chance that she’ll find out that you’re a conservative regardless of what subterfuges you attempt. Toby Young documented the practice of females googling males to see how significant they are in his book How to Lose Friends and Alienate People and I can tell you that it’s happened to me several times with unpredictable results. When this happens and the troops begin sacking your house and burning your possessions, it is time to tell the proud truth.

The truth that you’ll tell is the entire truth and not what they’re expecting to hear. Admit to everything but admonish, “Yes, I’m a conservative but what girl in their right mind would want a man who wasn’t?” That’s a tough one because it’s accurate. Conservative men make the best fathers. (If the girl has no interest in marriage, see rule 2 above. Deploy in the short-term and then get out!) What kind of woman wants to marry a Bill Clinton relativist type anyway? No sane one, that’s for sure. If your motto is “smash monogamy” then you have no business getting married in the first place. Those guys view being faithful as “a part-time reality” and will skillfully deconstruct their vows anytime their wives leave the room. Society doesn’t need any more of them and point out to her how you’re superior.

Don’t be afraid to use Reagan’s words about the Vietnam protestors in your defense: “They say ‘Make Love, Not War’ but it looks to me like those guys can’t do much of either.” Conservatives like Reagan are the real men. The others are irresponsible clowns. There’s no reason to sugar coat it. We’re proud of our haircuts just as we should be. “Yeah, I look like a balding version of a Marine in Iraq but what’s wrong with that?” Absolutely nothing.

Make sure to tell them that these “feminist” guys are the first ones who’ll stab them in the back. They’ll faultlessly confess “I gotta be me, you gotta be you, and that’s why I did your sister.” Some analysis. I’ve received lectures from these losers before and they’re hypocritical scum. Oh, sure, Bern’s an anti-radical feminist but these guys are the ones who go around lying all the time. At least conservative men are more likely to honestly say what we think. Under the amphibian constrains of political correctness no one, particularly leftist man, can live a life as a legitimate human being. These guys don’t care about family and view children as a hassle or being perspective friends. Children are neither and these bozos will never be the paternal type. We are. Even if these girls outwardly hate conservatives, there’s something deep in the genes that warmly receives us. Most girls are not looking for a b-tch and could never respect someone they dominate all the time. We fill an inherent need in their long-term plans even if it takes a while for them to appreciate it.

What about the conservative lifestyle? Is a coke-head or a guy who smokes so much dope that he can barely walk up a flight of stairs an attractive option for anyone? Eventually they’ll see these guys for the waste of life that they are. Conservative men take women to places they’ll long remember. We’ll never say “Baby, let’s pack some tofu and get in the hybrid to go chant at the Pentagon” but we’ll be the first to stop the chatter and appreciate the things in life that are most important. Conservative man is far more likely to take someone to the symphony to hear the classics. Both conservative man and his Bach are well-tempered. There’s no need to see some guy atop a lama playing a sonata he wrote in the bathtub the week before. No, our existence is too short for gimmicks and the conservative man isn’t afraid to say so.

Once you’re identity is uncovered, it’s time to play your Mozart, rub her neck, shut the blinds and ignite the kind of fireworks that only a conservative man can produce.

Bernard Chapin