The Quagmire of Older Women, Part One
December 23, 2003
by Bernard Chapin
The term “quagmire” has been in the news much as of late and it has often
been used incorrectly. However, it’s application to the dating of older women
is quite appropriate as, both figuratively and literally, it is a classification
that is difficult to out of once you’ve gotten in. I write this essay principally
for men in their late twenties, thirties and forties. For men below twenty-five,
it makes little sense to worry about whether or not a woman is older or younger.
Television and Hollywood glamorize the life of today’s older single women, but I have found that this glamorization is more outright lie than distortion. The women I have known and continue to know do not in any way evidence “having it all.” Like deposed queens living in exile, they face a future leagues away from the glories of their past, and even with hi-grade denial mechanisms, some begin to realize it.
I have three themes that I wish develop. First, single women in their thirties and forties are far different qualitatively from those in their twenties. This is due to their single years taking a tremendous toll on their personalities and outlook. I argue here that it is unlikely that after years of living the single life, these particular individuals are no longer suitable for marriage or serious relationships. Therefore, their company should be sought on a short-term basis alone.
My second point is that these older women offer unique advantages in casual relationships that younger women do not possess. I have found that their age allows one to enjoy them without the dangers of falling in love or becoming “whipped.” One always maintains a strong sense of control with older women. Relationships that have a set expiration date are a rare luxury on this earth, and women who have seen more moons than you are the easiest ones with whom to avoid emotional attachments. Their youth is like a wizard’s staff, and, without it, they can cast no spells.
Third, if one carefully maintains boundaries while interacting with them, it still remains possible to enjoy their company while keeping opportunities open for finding younger women. It is with these younger women that one can experience the full range of emotions and life.
I’ll begin with the first point about the qualitative difference of older women. It is undeniable that women who have been “on the market” for fifteen years or more are dissimilar from all others. Indeed, only one who has had no interactions with them would think otherwise. These women are not like the ones you find on “Sex in the City.” They lack the morale of those characters. Many have accumulated a century’s worth of Indianapolis 500’s on their chassis and have gas tanks brimming with vinegar instead of gasoline. They await an armistice which will never be delivered.
By the time they get into their thirties it is either time for caustic reflection or time to avoid reflection at all costs. They have seen two or three cycles of friends get married and now associate with women who have made exactly the same mistakes that they have made. Universally, these women can only come up with one culprit for their misfortune and it is the 49% of the world’s population known as men. Yes, just like popular culture and the American universities, they have decided that the monolithic block of “men” are responsible for all that is wrong with civilization including their own personal errors or choices.
When I was younger I thought that all the attractive women would be taken when I got older. That turned out to be wrong, but most of the smart ones did remove themselves from the auction at the point in which they had the most value. While obviously not true of every individual, the girls who remain have completely misjudged the game in which they play. Despite every piece of anthropological data in existence, they believed that they would age like Bordeaux but this has never been the case. The aging process has been more akin to Bordeaux with cork removed and left atop a Bunsen burner.
By the time one encounters these career single women, they have no patience for dating or meeting new people or making sacrifices of any kind, which automatically negates the possibilities of a long-term relationship with them.
In many ways, although I hate to use the word, older single women are the most conspicuous victims (just as every heterosexual is) of our the post-sixties politically correct culture. We have been taught to accept low-grade clichés about humanity rather to spend time examining the nature of man and the, not always parallel, nature of woman.
Older women reveal the fact that the unexamined life– even if Socrates was wrong and it is worth living– offers serious interpersonal consequences for those who chose to passively swallow social engineering as truth.
These women have been deluded into thinking that men and women look for the same things in respective mates. This is an incredibly damaging fabrication. Most men know such a concept is laughably inaccurate, but many single women believe it and that is the root of much strife among the sexes.
Only through personal initiative would they discover that what they read in the pages of the papers, magazines, television, or on huge internet sites like slate.com was wishful thinking at best, and political deception designed to alter behavior at worst. What self-help do these sources offer? It is that males and females Americans want the same things from members of the opposite sex. Poppycock!
I’ve heard continually that men and women are looking for “the best person” with whom to marry or have a long-term relationship with. This is ridiculous. If it were true, people would propose to their childhood best friends.
The dissemination of the radioactive idea that men and women are exactly the same exists for one purpose, to promote ideological equality of the sexes over any other goal including happiness or harmony. One either accepts equality as the highest criteria in life or you find out what human beings are really like.
As nearly anyone who’s known any men can attest to, men have a different agenda in mate selection than women have. Only radical feminists, who despise men and often are lesbians or bisexuals themselves, would dispute this state of affairs. Yet, these are often the same females writing books and advice columns on dating.
Radical lesbians don’t know any men and they’re happy not to. They’d also be grateful if a side effect of their advice was to poison all women against men. The whole reason hardcore feministas are obsessed with men in the first place is because they know that if they attempted to compete with us on an even playing field they would never win. That is why they broadcast “advice” and successfully embitter a generation of women against us. The last thing they want is for anyone to look at us as genuine human beings.
However, independent of lesbianism or radical political agendas, the error every advice columnist makes is that they never take male perspective into account. They don’t care what we think. Why should they? We’d probably tell the truth which would never fit into their theories anyway. When an ideologue encounters unpleasant truth they simply change the truth to match the pre-existing theory. That’s why they have no imperative to listen to non-metrosexual males.
My friend always jokes about going out to Borders on the weekends and trying to find women in the “Self-Help” section. My guess is that he would not like what he found there. In those aisles, wild assertions are passed off as universal psychological law. One of my favorites is the old, “women must learn to love themselves before men can love them.” What complete nonsense. This only compounds their readers’ difficulties as many of these single women already spend their days wrapped in pointless self-absorption and navel-gazing.
Danielle Crittenden in What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman summed it up well:
“My single male friends in their thirties complain about going on dates with women who spend that entire evening talking about themselves and analyzing themselves aloud. These women are no longer capable, it seems, of holding a general conversation or of even feigning interest in a general conversation.” [p.72]
When skimming self-help articles or book titles one has to resist the temptation not to condescend (my resistence failed). Without exception, nearly every single volume glosses over male desire. One, even stated as an aside, something to the effect of, “who has time for a boyfriend nowadays– with all the emails you have to return and lunches you attend.” Another was actually called Kiss My Tiara[!] with chapters entitled “Never Mind a Penis, We’ll Take a Bigger Paycheck” and “PMS is a Power Tool.” Why Men Love Bitches, would be best left in the warehouse if one a woman actually has not given up hope of finding a significant other.
To be continued…
Bernard Chapin is a writer in Chicago.
