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Maureen Dowd Two Minute Mock Testosterone Fetish by Bernard Chapin
Before we begin, I’d like to caution that Dowd, although a hysterical leftist at every level, suddenly no longer cares for her fellow hysterical leftist Howard Dean anymore. This seems to have had nothing to due with his outbursts on Monday because the split occurred the day before. You see, in Sunday’s column, she, perhaps with great pain, informs us that Dean blew her off after he said he’d do a scheduled five minute interview with her. “While I was waiting for him to call, I grew more and more afraid that he'd get angry at me for wasting his time with piffle [What about us Maureen? I know, I’ll have my lawyer, Johnny Cochran, call to discuss plausible terms for a settlement]. I cowered by the phone, jumping when it rang. I never got the five minutes with him. Which left me five minutes to think about why his candidacy was sputtering.” Recall the words of William Congreve, “Hell hath no fury like a resentful hasbeen who gets housed by a person of superior fame.” (Well, maybe his words were slightly different four hundred years ago). In response to this act of rejection, Maureen banished Howard from the pantheon of the Democrats and into that great, ever-increasing, legion of men who once disappointed her or turned her down. Here again she illustrates that the personal really is the political–especially if you happen to be a sour former temptress who spends emotion the way the rest of us spend five dollar bills. Here Dowd blasts the candidate who, unlike her, did not have the wits to confine his public lunacy to newspaper form: “Whoa! That was quite the steroid-infused performance. Who's the guy's political consultant — Russell Crowe? He was so in-your-face, smirking his trademark smirk, it was disturbing to think of him in charge of the military.” Remember, “Steroid” is a four letter word to Dowd. When she writes “steroid,” she is referring to the sex hormone, Sustanon variety as opposed to the more common glutico cortico variety. Those two syllables are as offensive to Dowd as any other in the English language (other than maybe “weathered” or “jaded”). Steroids are male essence in injectable form, which, regardless of their negative physical side effects, makes them the juice of Satan himself. She next confirms my observation with, “You wonder how many votes he scared off with that testosterone festival: the taunting message, the self-righteous geographic litany of support?” It’s the testosterone that frightens her even though she may have considerably more of it than any of the Democratic candidates for the presidency. The Weekly Standard put it well in their most recent issue: “What is it with New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd and testosterone? Nexis her byline and the word crops up so often you'd think she moonlights as a urologist.” Or, if not a urologist, someone who has a Manichean view of the world with woman always equaling “good” and man always meaning “bad.” It is testosterone that truly puts Miss Dowd off as it sometimes correlates with increased aggression which is the exact opposite of what she desires in a president. She doesn’t really object to Dean being crazy or unbalanced, but what truly bothers her, is that he’s crazy and unbalanced in a masculine, aggressive, non-liberal way. Our Oprahesque philosophe would deem Dean the perfect candidate for Commander in Chief were he merely debilitated by depression. Melancholia would be just fine with her. It would prevent the afflicted from acquiring the initiative to act in the country’s interests or defense. Such inertia would meet her fashionable need for social justice (commonly defined in New York Times circles as “get the westerners”). However, in the following sentence, we discover that George W. Bush is never far from her mind as she irrationally links to his State of the Union address. Just when one thinks she’s going to list off the states that the unglued Dean planned a victory procession in, she melds him into Bush: “The Philippines. Thailand. Italy. Spain. Poland. Denmark. Bulgaria. Ukraine. Romania. The Netherlands. Norway. El Salvador. Can you believe President Bush is still pushing the cockamamie claim that we went to war in Iraq with a real coalition rather than a gaggle of poodles and lackeys?” This is really too much isn’t it? How can these anti-liberals pretend that they’re anything other than elitists when they look down on any country they don’t happen to live in. Of course they don’t care about Iraq or the 3,000 people who died on 9/11. Why should they? They weren’t personally in any towers or in the desert. Anybody outside of them is meaningless, testosterone-drenched, abstraction. With this accusation, Mo is only displaying her hallucinations as the media argument Bush effectively refuted with his list never concerned the quality of our allies, it concerned the claim that we acted UNILATERALLY. His speech clarified that we did not. There is no counter-argument, so Dowd, to fit it into her parade of twice weekly complaint, completely changed the argument. Besides, what is a supposed multicultural liberal doing looking down on Thailand and El Salvador? What countries does she prefer? We know their names: France and Germany. If I knew her, I’d let her taste her own dogma and accuse her of being a Eurocentric oppressor. Really, Maureen, what about diversity? “His State of the Union address took his swaggering sheriff routine to new heights. ‘America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country,’ he vowed. Translation: Hey, we don't need no stinking piece of paper to bring it on in other countries. If it feels good, we'll do it, and we'll decide later why we did it. You lookin' at me?” Translation: Crazy Train Mo doesn’t know the reason why we have a government in the first place. It is to protect our people. She doesn’t want to acknowledge this because self-defense interferes with the counter-cultural constitution of subsidizing the production of gay and feminist art. If we waited for the approval of the UN, a body we masochistically pay for, then we’d never defend ourselves and Osama could run around encouraging others to slaughter us all over the world. Why not? We’d continue to meet his definition of a “weak horse.” The actions of the Bushian coalition have even benefited Maureen Dowd’s personal security but, as he doesn’t wear Armani clothes, Kenneth Cole glasses or attend trendy events, she is unable to discern his value. [By the way, her reference to, “‘if it feels good’ I’ll do it” would make a superlative name for an autobiography.] Then she asserts, in case there are any high school students or theatrical majors out there still listening, “President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are better at looking cool. But their dissing the U.N. — that palace of permission slips — and their doctrine of pre-emption are just as hot, and so was Mr. Bush's cocky implicit defense of the idea that if you whack one Middle East dictator, the rest will fall in line.” That doctrine, although described with moronic hyperbola by Dowd, is the correct one and appears more brilliant with each passing day. Syria and Libya proved its usefulness, and now, perhaps even Bin Laden has learned from the crash, daisy cutter course in respect we delivered: “The large number of Muslim deaths caused by al Qaeda terrorist attacks in Iraq has created p.r. problems for Osama bin Laden, who now appears to be having second thoughts about his holy war against coalition forces there, The Post has learned. New articles in al Qaeda's biweekly Internet magazine Sawt al-Jihad, or ‘Voice of Jihad,’ are urging al Qaeda supporters to stay out of Baghdad and concentrate on hitting U.S. military targets in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar and Bahrain, according to terrorist expert Rita Katz, whose SITE Institute monitors al Qaeda propaganda on the Internet. "My instructions to the people of the peninsula [Saudi Arabia], young as old, men as women, is to fight Americans in their homes and the people of Yemen should fight the Americans in their bases, battleships and their consulates," wrote an al Qaeda propagandist named Muhammad bin al-Salim in an article titled ‘Do Not Go To Iraq.’” In the words of John Cleese, “say no more,” but we know Maureen will. DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE IN THE FORUM! Bernard Chapin is a writer in Chicago. |
Today,
Big Mo decided to set aside her vendetta against our sitting president
for a couple of sentences in order to comment on Howard Dean’s primal
screaming the other night. I believe that she entitled the column
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