January 2, 2006

What follows is a section from an essay which will be included in a book on women scheduled for completion in May of 2006. Selected chapters of the new book will be published as MND exclusives. In book form, this essay will have a different title, but “The Final Quagmire” will primarily be composed of new material.

Contraception Via Self-Deception.

For every living thing on this earth, aging and death are eventualities. All of us will return to the soil where we will be described, not as Mister or Misses, but as hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon. There is no way in which to combat this truth. Once life’s preconditions are acknowledged it becomes far easier to enjoy every day as our existence is the ultimate takeaway sale. While these observations are blatantly obvious, it is unfortunate that so many adults instead act as if aging is something that can be put off entirely.

Nowhere is this habit better illustrated than in the outlook of many older women who believe that their value remains unchanged regardless of the oxidation of their bones, joints, and limbs. This cannot be as, for both women and men, our places are not fixed in relation to our peers. It is highly unlikely that winning a 10 million dollar lottery will not improve a man’s standing on the market. The same can be said of a woman who loses fifty pounds or suddenly takes up an intense exercise regimen. However, in light of time’s wear, it is wise to alter one’s standards depending on “where you’re at.” With older women, there seems to be a tendency to take the complete opposite course that they should. Indeed, they often become pickier in their thirties. This is completely counter-productive, and ensures a higher level of bitterness for the future.

The mating game, like all games, must reach an endpoint, and while there is no formal declaration of winners and losers, certainly those whose relationships have added texture and pleasure to their lives can be thought of as coming out ahead. Those who delude themselves with magical thinking that the glory days will never end are the ones who come out behind. That older women so often fall into this category is due to the fact that…well, it isn’t due to any facts at all. It is the result of emotion based thinking which is many dimensions away from analyzing actual events. They still see the same young vibrant girl whenever they look in the mirror even though they may be closer to retirement age than the prom. For those who see their appearance more objectively, they may rationalize that the changes which occurred do not matter because they are counter-balanced by the wealth of experience acquired, new social connections, increased personal wealth, and a host of other factors which do not impact men finding them attractive.

That men are a woman’s target audience should be a given but I am not certain that this is the case. Many times the woman herself seems to be the crowd for whom she performs. Numerous actions are undertaken with the full knowledge that men will not be appreciative. When a girl suddenly chops off her hair the reason often cited is that, “it’s easier.” Well, easier it is, but so is sleeping in every morning and not taking the time to write checks to one’s creditors. Only a woman immersed in fantasy could believe that men prefer short hair over long. The hacking of Demi Moore in G.I. Jane moved her from a 9.5 to an 8.0 on a 10 point scale which meant that she still remained attractive to the majority of us, but how many women can afford a 1.5 percentage point drop in their desirability? I will turn to Billy Bragg for guidance here (although surely he overstates the point): “And then one day it happened. She cut her hair and I stopped loving her.”¹

That the views of men are discarded is one thing, but that they not even considered relevant is most peculiar. It could be reflective of an innate human desire to avoid the truth. Or as psychologist Dr. John Feeney put it in another context, “Unfortunately, the need to preserve self esteem tends to be stronger than the willingness to confront oneself honestly.”² It’s hard to understand how one’s cause could be advanced by side-stepping veracity for 80 years, but many women do just that when they regard male feedback as being superfluous to their lives.

The influence of the ever-pervasive self-help industry cannot be underestimated. They hawk their wares on talk shows and in publications of all kinds. An endemic theme is, “It’s not you, it’s them.” Such a message undoubtedly makes its subjects feel better while guaranteeing that they will never improve or grow. I eagerly await the day when bookstores create subsections entitled, “Why Men are So Messed Up” and “He’s Just Not Worth It.” Why be subtle? Say the conspiracy loud and proud.

Within the greater cultural scheme none of this is really surprising. When one sincerely believes that men are inferior to women then it becomes common practice to distrust whatever a man says about anything. For those women who regard men as distant Cro-Magnon cousins whose minds are not capable of grasping much beyond sex, drinking beer, and napping on random couches then it is fully expected that our views will mean absolutely nothing.

Perhaps they feel that their eternal desirability cannot be questioned. As one commentator observed:

“Even if her looks are a bit more ordinary, nevertheless she still believes that her body is worth a high price, and she will hold out for a surgeon or a stockbroker for as long as her biological clock permits, having failed to notice that the men with the level of salary she desires will pass her by in favor of a woman with superb looks or youth.” ³

She preserves herself for a championship match in which she will never play. When she realizes the full extent of her folly, it will then of course be too late.

Another explanation I have often heard is that if a man really loves a woman then their flaws won’t matter. Such a notion is ludicrous as their flaws may prevent a man from ever falling in love with them in the first place. This is glaringly true should the imperfections be found in what I would term, “The Essential Areas.” Age, of course, is one of them.⁴ The likelihood of finding a man who is above age or beauty is akin to encountering a prospective dog owner who longs for puppies averse to eating meat. Imagine the fellow walking into the local pet store and announcing,

I’m here to buy a Labrador! Now, my only requirement is that the animal be a vegetarian. The last thing I want is a dog hanging around the barbeque salivating over the steak I’m cooking. It’s like they all want to corrode their arteries or something. I don’t think I’m being picky. It’s not like they have to be vegan. I’ll take whatever vegetarian puppies you have and be quick about it. I really think it’s a new millennium issue. These dogs are watching too many Chuck Wagon commercials. They’re socially constructing carnivorous taste. It’s capitalism and George Bush who are chiefly to blame.

The shop owner would then examine the customer wide-eyed, and, if he were particularly savvy, try to stall long enough for the man’s medication to kick in. Our puppy analogy is more apt than it may seem because, just as the animal’s ears become erect upon hearing the word “treat,” men of all colors, shapes, and creeds redirect their attention upon hearing the words “college girl” (which works even better as a command).

Not in keeping with their supposed supremacy, it appears that many of these older women only manage to outsmart themselves by believing that have consistent value regardless of the earth’s rotations. The final metaphor on the subject concerns a property owner who decides to put his land up for sale for the price of $2,000,000 even though the assessor’s office lists it at $100,000. When the foolishness of the figure he advertises is questioned, the seller responds by saying indignantly: “Well, it’s mine so I know what it’s worth. I know how special my property is.” He’s the only one who ever will because he’s going to die with that “special” property. Just like the owner, the prospects of older women will improve when they develop a healthy respect for the truth.

Bernard Chapin