So the first day of the Democratic convention is in the can, but what to make of it? The show opened with Terry McAuliffe wielding a gavel and trying to look legitimate in front of an embarrassingly empty hall and one almost got the sense that in between speakers he was outside dragging people to the floor.

After watching the opening afternoon’s slate it was easy to see why so many delegates avoided the main hall. Speaker after speaker either bordered on the somnambulant or shouted as if they needed to be heard over the dozens in the audience--the echoes were deafening.

One highlight of the early opening session had to be McAuliffe’s hilarious attempt at introducing Bill Richardson en Espanol. Another was the queasy feeling one got while watching various and sundry sons and daughters of ‘sharecroppers’ preaching class warfare while simultaneously shilling for two rich white men.

As for the evening’s featured luminaries, it is interesting to recall that John Kerry was not their first choice. Both Al Gore and Jimmy Carter supported Howard Dean while the Clintons gave tacit support to Wesley Clark.

At the podium, perpetual victim Gore was quick to launch an attempt at self-deprecation in addressing his 2000 defeat, an event more easily understood when witnessing his oratory stylings. Later on, President Carter demonstrated once again why the term, ‘misery index’ will be eternally associated with his name.

Bill and Hill performed as one would expect, which is to say that she played the bride while he outright lied. Still, he is the megastar of the party, and the looks of worship on the conventioneers’ faces and the palatable heartbreak that the 22 nd Amendment forbids his return to the White House suggest that the highlight of the convention has passed.

Scattered around the night’s speeches were filmed, feel-good testimonials, endorsements from ‘regular’ Americans around the country and some really bad dancing on the Fleet Center floor. Also included was a depressing “Remembrance of 9/11” which oddly omitted any reference to the perpetrators of that attack.

The only notable mention of homeland security was Bill’s support of Kerry’s plan to defend against future attacks by increasing funding for ‘first responders’. The left doesn’t believe in pre-emptive strikes but they’ll sure be ready when it comes to treating the wounded. Democrats apparently feel that the best offense is a good defense.

Most of the talking-points expressed to this point generate more questions than answers. Many of the participants railed at the evils of job outsourcing. Why not challenge Teresa Heinz Kerry, whose company has 57 foreign plants? Why not ask which party supports the three things that force companies to flee overseas; high taxes, suffocating regulation and excessive union demands?

Others complained about our dependence on foreign oil and high healthcare costs. Again, which party refuses to allow domestic and offshore drilling? Which supports such severe standards on our own oil that we cannot use it and must sell it to other countries? Which is it that opposes medical tort reform that would reduce malpractice suits and counts trial lawyers as its biggest donors?

Probably the most popular rant was that President Bush has alienated our allies and launched a ‘unilateral’, pre-emptive war. Why don’t Democrats understand the meaning of the word unilateral? Why are they insulting the many countries who have stood strong with us? Do they not remember the fourteen months the president spent pleading his case before the U.N., after which that worthless body refused to act on the “serious consequences” it threatened in the unanimously passed Resolution 1441?

Most puzzling though is the notion that the president of the United States of America should somehow be ready, willing and able to unite and rule ‘the world’. Which poll shows that our enemies’ view of America is of even miniscule importance to voters? What makes the left think that Joe Six-pack gives a damn about old Europe’s opinion of us? And why on Earth would Democrats suppose that we Yanks feel that the ability to speak French is an asset?

Still, you have to give Kerry’s handlers credit for toning done the hateful rhetoric and putting a happy face on their showcase even though it is a tad disappointing. But after seven straight hours of watching the donkeys struggle to call off the dogs, my last question is: When does Dennis Kucinich go on?

Lisa Fabrizio