The Notorious John Kerry

May 5, 2004

Despite the fact that Al Sharpton is out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry insists that the Dems will still nominate a black man at their convention in Boston – that man is, uh, John Kerry.

Kerry told the American Urban Radio Network, “President Clinton is often known as the first black president…I wouldn’t be upset if I could earn the right to be the second.” While it’s true that Clinton’s poor Southern upbringing and constant battle with conservatives led author Toni Morrison to coin him as being the first black president, Gennifer Flowers let it be known that the label only applies from the waist up.

In contrast, Kerry is a product of exclusive schools, blue-blood northeastern aristocrats (his mother is a Forbes) and for God’s sake the man speaks French. Kerry would have a hard time relating to Theo Huxtable. (Although, given the number of white women he has reportedly slept with, it’s possible that he could easily bond with O.J. Simpson.)

Amazingly, Kerry’s blatant pandering didn’t go unnoticed. Paula Diane Harris, founding chief executive officer of the Andrew Young National Center for Social Change in Harrisburg, Penn., had her feathers ruffled. She told the Associated Press, “John Kerry is not a black man. He is a privileged white man who has no idea what it is in this country to be a poor white in this country, let alone a poor black man.”

You would think that Kerry would quit while he’s ahead. Ha. When speaking with Music Television’s Gidean Yago during MTV’s annual Choose or Lose forum, Kerry confessed, “I'm fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you'd better listen to it pretty carefully, 'cause it's important."

To Kerry’s defense, anyone who considers Ted Kennedy to be a close, personal friend would definitely consider lyrics that talk about ‘smackin bit$hes’ and ‘pimpin ho’s’ to be mild stuff. Even Snoop Dog doesn’t sing about driving women into a lakes and leaving them for dead.

Apparently, punching gansta rap into his FM dial helps this Boston Brahman keep it real. “I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and it's a reflection of life, and I understand all that.” It is still not known if Kerry would have been able to deliver these statements with a straight face had it not been for the botox injections.

While he was candid to the MTV audience about his fascination with hip-hop, Kerry never revealed if he voted for Ruben Studdard in the ‘American Idol’ final competition. However, he is believed to have voted for him, before he voted against him.

Even though all of this is truly hysterical – John Kerry doesn’t intend it to be that way. He expects you to believe him.

So, all of this leaves us with the $64,000 electoral question: Will John Kerry lose the election because he is insulting and condescending, or will he lose the election because he actually believes this stuff and just has no grip with reality at all?

Only time will tell. Biotch.

John Phillips

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