The "Prize" Times 70

March 29, 2002

Strap some TNT your body. Walk into a crowded mall surrounded by women, children, teenagers, and the elderly and blow yourself up. Why would any Islamic terrorist want to take out so many infidels in such an abrupt and personally final way? It must be the 70 virgins.

And at the risk of sounding totally sexist, what’s so great about that?

If the 70 virgins are part of the ultimate reward, there are two possible scenarios that must be examined.

ONE: The Stepford Factor
Personally one Stepford wife would get old real quick. Being around a beautiful woman whose only purpose is to look good always, say the right thing always, tend to your every need always. Well, okay. It would get old after awhile….

But seriously, to be around someone who always agreed with you instead of sharing an alternate, possibly better solution to a problem, would become a source of resentment after a given amount of time.

Even the most beautiful looking of women becomes ordinary to the eyes of the beholder. There aren’t too many trophy women in Hollywood that haven’t been screwed around on and I’m sure most of them aren’t beautiful and air-headed.

So if one were to multiply them by 70? I doubt in time it would be that much fun.

TWO: The Real Woman Factor
Here’s where things get testy.

If the reward is 70 virgins who are thinking women, is that really a reward? One woman, yes. But 70?

First of all, it wouldn’t take long for the 70 virgins to lose that untouched status. So let’s refer to them now as 70 women.

I now have a woman in my life who sends icy cold glances to any woman who looks in my direction. Although I’ve assured her through my words and actions that she has no reason to doubt my loyalty to her, her genetic tendency toward jealousy remains.

Now put 70 women in one room together with the one man they’ve all sworn their love and devotion to. I think it would be easier to negotiate peace between the Israelis and Palestinians than 70 mutually jealous women. And it would probably require 70 different peace negotiations since one size won’t fit all.

I will spend one brief paragraph on sex.

You will have 70 women who will have to compete for affection in the only individual and personal way they can. Sex. That will eventually lead to gradually kinkier sex from partner to partner and a sexual competition that will lead to an incomprehensible climax. Could be a good thing. But such a scenario is totally unrealistic given the 70 attempts at one-upwomanship that would ensue. The jealousy factor would come back into play and with sex as a competing ingredient, it will get ugly. Guaranteed.

You will have 70 women with issues.

One for me is a handful. Having to walk on eggshells when your woman is having one of her moods. Not knowing what to say and what not to say. Not knowing what wrong word will set the "tone" for the foreseeable future. Is it something you said, something you did? Is it something you forgot? Is it something you were supposed to do a certain way? Was there a misinterpretation along the way? Why didn’t you realize that was what she was feeling and why? Even if an apology isn’t warranted, do you offer one anyway? Are you ready to be accused of being insensitive or patronizing? Will some sexy offering on your part solve or exacerbate the problem?

Now multiply that by 70. Ouch.

Again we are talking about 70 normal women. 70 women who can at any time amongst them be menstruating simultaneously. Not else much to be said about that besides "The horror…"

Now I will assume that these 70 women will be eternally naked, since setting 70 normal women loose on a mall for clothes can be a terrifying thought. And I doubt they’ll share one credit card. Are these women all barren?

I have two sons. I’d like to think I’ve brought them up right. I have a personal saying: I love my kids but I hate everyone else’s.

Some people raise good kids, and some are housing monsters.

Kids who replace the word yes with "yaaa". Kids whose favorite two words are "I" and "me". Kids who believe that parents were put on this Earth solely for the purpose of taking care of them when they want it. Duties like providing free food of their liking, a clean bed, new clothes, cable TV, the newest video games and platforms, rides to and from their friends’ homes on four minutes notice, and fairly frequent trips to amusement parks. Kids whose least favorite words are "thank you".

Now, multiply kids by 70.

That may be enough to make me want to strap some TNT on my body and… okay, just joking but I think you get my point.

I seriously hope that the terrorists have thought this through.

Being known as a martyr in such a warped and evil way is one thing. But I’d have to give the 70 virgins thing some extra thought.

One good woman is enough for me.

But as we all know, too much, even as much as 70 of a good thing, ceases to be good eventually.

So then again, let the punishment fit the crime.


Bob Parks