Elderly Shack Up

August 2, 2002

"You're doing WHAT, Grandpa!"

"I'm moving in with my better half, my hot mama, my main squeeze."

"You're shacking up!"

"What's the big deal, Tommy? Everyone is cohabitating these days. Haven't you seen the 2000 Census results? Since 1990, the number of older couples cohabitating is three times greater - since 1980, more than four times greater. In fact, more than 112,000 older couples are cohabitating."

"But Grandpa, the social mores of your generation were always so clear. Your sacrifices won wars. Your thrift and hard work built up our country. Your devotion to family gave us stability. Your generation would never shack up!"

"Tommy, I'm retired now. Your Grandma is in Heaven. It's party time."

"Huh?"

"Tommy, all my generation did was sacrifice for the future. And what did we get for our trouble? The lousy baby boomers attacked us from every corner. They said we were rigid, square, judgmental."

"That was a lie, Grandpa. What you were was conscientious, humble and concerned for your families." 

"Well, the baby boomers didn't see it that way. They promoted cohabitation. They promoted moral relativism. They replaced our past social mores with a new one: If it feels good, go for it."

"But Grandpa, your social mores are why we always looked up to your generation. We need your good sense now more than ever before. How can you shack up with some woman?"

"Look, Tommy, my baby doll is a younger woman who looks at marriage differently than my generation. If I marry her, there is no guarantee she won't leave me for someone with a bigger Winnebago."

"Huh?"

"And if she does run off, I surely don't want her taking half the nest egg it took your grandmother and I a lifetime to build up. By staying single, I keep things simple."

"But Grandpa, new studies keep coming out that show that living together doesn't necessarily bring happiness. It doesn't force each partner to examine his or her intentions in regard to the other partner. It doesn't promote deep self-examination and honesty the way that marriage is supposed to."

"Yeah, yeah, Tommy."

"In fact, Grandpa, the couples who cohabitate before marrying are more likely to divorce than those who don't. After 30 years of experimentation, all the evidence keeps pointing back to one truth: Where men, women and family are concerned, the traditional values of your generation were way closer to truth than today's values."

"If you say so, Tommy."

"What has got into you, Grandpa! Your generation was always so hopeful. Now you sound so cynical."

"Look, Tommy, I spent a lifetime worrying about other people's needs, always worrying about the bills and the future. I spent a lot of energy trying to live right. I'm finally free to live in the here and now, and I'm going to enjoy it. You dig?"

"Do I what?"

"Look, Tommy, I got the hots for my baby - had the hots right from the moment I met her at the tattoo parlor. What are the odds that two strangers would both be getting Bon Jovi seared into their buttocks at the exact same moment?

"Bon Jovi?"

"Look, Tommy, I dig her. We have such fun. Just the other day we were at her pad enjoying illegal narcotics, and I says to her, 'Moon Unit, lets go for a roll in the hay out under the stars.'"

"Narcotics! Moon Unit! Premarital relations!"

"Yeah, and then I says, 'Moon Unit, why don't you and I jump on my Harley and head across the country for the summer. We can hang out in Berkley. See if Timothy Leary really is dead.' We're leaving next week."

"You got a Harley?"

"Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, you got to loosen up. After all, 'the times, they are a changing.'"

"You're quoting Bob Dylan? What happened to Dwight Eisenhower?"

"Tommy, why can't you just let my generation live and let live."

"But Grandpa, every generation is supposed to share its wisdom and knowledge with the generations that follow? You're not supposed to imitate the stupid stuff we do. You're supposed to lead us to the better way."

"Tommy, I'd love to chat with you all night, but I got to run right now."

"Where to now?"

"Moon Unit and I are having a shacking up party and she's counting on me to fire up the bong."

Tom Purcell