Because America has not been able to get its message through to Saddam Hussein, President Bush sent in the only man in the world who might help: Bill Clinton.

"Saddam, Bush is gunning to attack you, but I think we should attempt to reason with you one last time. They figure you and I have some things in common, so they sent me to talk to you."

"Saddam have nothing in common with Bill Clinton! Saddam use biological weapons to kill his own people. Saddam murder traitor son-in-law with his own hands. Show me how tough Bill Clinton is."

"I married Hillary."

"Good point."

"Look, Saddam, we got plenty in common. I had to laugh when your mistress went public in that ABC interview."

"You do not laugh half so hard as Saddam did when Bill Clinton's tubby intern do Barbara Walters interview. Monica, Monica, Monica!"

"Look, Saddam, I know your toughness is a front. The fact is you are weak. Your mistress says you are soft and affectionate in private. She said you even use Viagra."

"She lies!"

"She said you're extremely vain, too, Saddam. Your mistress said you use an herbal relaxation mask to reduce your wrinkles. She said you dye your hair."

"Like Bill Clinton never have plastic surgery. I remember tubby photo of Bill Clinton in swim trunks on the beach. If Bill Clinton did not have liposuction to remove third chin, Saddam will eat his own head."

"I did not… have… liposuction… with… that… chin!"

"Monica, Monica, Monica!"

"Look, Saddam, you are a self-centered man who puts himself before everyone and everything. I'm here to tell you this: If you don't change your ways, you're headed for a boatload of trouble."

"What you talk about, Bill Clinton?"

"You lost the war back in '91 and the deal was no more weapons of mass destruction. Yet you kicked the UN inspectors out, built up your inventory and now you're trying to arm yourself with nuclear weapons."

"That is not true, Bill Clinton. Since Saddam defeat Yankee imperialist pigs in mother of all battles, Saddam has spent his time knitting."

"Look, Saddam, Bush isn't like me. He knows you've supported and sheltered terrorists. Your terrorists plotted to kill his own father. If you've paid any attention to Afghanistan, the Bush people don't take kindly to folks who support and shelter terrorists."

"But Saddam no support and shelter terrorists."

"Bush fears that if you develop nuclear weapons, you'll not only have the means to wreak more havoc on the Middle East, but you'll arm terrorists with the chemical, biological and nuclear weapons that will bring horrendous harm to innocent Americans."

"But Saddam know nothing of this weaponry. Saddam has made several nice quilts, however."

"Come on, Saddam. Everyone knows that every other word you speak is a lie."

"Funny, Saddam thinking exact same thing about Bill Clinton."

"Look, Saddam, don't you get it? Bush is gunning for you. He wants you to slip up. If you don't cooperate fully - and I mean do everything America and the UN wants - Bush is going to turn your Baghdad palace into a parking lot."

"Ha! Last time America punish Saddam, you fire missiles into empty Iraqi buildings. You remember that, Bill Clinton?"

"I'm telling you, Saddam, the folks running America now don't believe in half measures. They've got lots of powerful weapons and can't wait to use them to get rid of you."

"But American people have no guts for real war with Iraq."

"Not true, Saddam. Most every poll shows the American support hovers between 53 and 65 percent. These numbers will surely go up once the Bush team fully launches its PR offensive."

"But UN will not support unilateral attack, and only Britain is crazy enough to support U.S."

"Bush doesn't seem to care about that, Saddam. He would appear to have his mind made up."

"But why all of the sudden everyone out to get Saddam again?"

"We went through the one year anniversary of 911 last week. It reopened wounds that aren't going to heal for a long time. There is an incredible resolve in America to prevent such terrorist attacks from ever happening again. Bush intends to crush anything that stands between him and an end to terrorism. You are clearly standing in the way. So what are you going to do?"

"Knit one, pearl two."

Tom Purcell