Male Biological Clock

October 18, 2002

I think I smell a rat.

A new study presented at the American Society of Reproductive Medicine conference last week concludes that men also suffer from a biological clock. According to the University of Wisconsin study, damage to sperm routinely starts to cause infertility in men as young as 35.

But I'm suspicious about these findings.

Other articles by Tom Purcell can be found in the Men's News Daily archive.

See, there have been numerous studies documenting the female biological clock. Infertility research clearly shows that a woman's eggs deteriorate with age. Hence, many articles and books now suggest that career women can't have it all, that if they want families they should put their careers on hold and have children while they're young and biologically able.

But us men? We never had to worry about such constraints. No, we always believed we could dilly dally through our 30's and 40's, acquire some dough, then marry an attractive young woman who will bless us with a couple of healthy rug rats. Still single at 40, that has certainly been my operating strategy.

Until those lousy scientists started meddling with my plans.

They said their study offers strong biological evidence that men over 35 suffer lower sperm count. They said our little guys can't swim as fast as they could when we were young, and that they also have higher concentrations of broken DNA strands, which can increase the risk of schizophrenia and other maladies.

They suggested that if we are still crazy enough to procreate after 35, then we better give up tasty high-fat foods, forsake smoking and drinking and everything else that could damage our reproductive capacity.

That's why I think there is a conspiracy under way.

Look, years ago, we men had it made. Women didn't have careers then and were dependent on us to bring home the bacon. They made delicious meals for us, brought us coffee and the paper, and even said nice things to us every now and again.

In the good old days, women were forced to consort with boring men of high moral character. Women wanted a man who would be a good father and provide. As a result, even a bald chubby guy could land an attractive wife, so long as he had a CPA.

But in recent years, women have made tremendous strides. They are well educated and make fine incomes. Now that they no longer depend on us for sustenance, they are doing to us what we have always done to them: judging us by our looks. Now a fellow won't even get a second look without six-pack abs and the kind of noggin featured on the cover of GQ.

In fact, the tables have turned so completely, women don't even need men to have and rear children. They simply make a visit to a fertility clinic, buy the seed of some young fellow whose DNA strands haven't started breaking down yet, then hire a nanny to bathe and feed the spoiled little runt.

In this new era, we men have been discarded at every turn. In fact, we had only one shred of male dignity left and that was this: if we worked long enough and hard enough we might acquire some status and some dough. In our mid 40's, we might still be able to find a young trophy wife who would be willing to trade her looks and biological health for access to our wealth.

And now scientists are trying to take that away, too. Well, nuts to that. 

Look, my little scientist friends, I don't know what your agenda is and I don't care (though I'm certain we could trace it back to the National Organization for Women or some other female group that is out to get us). I'm telling you right now your study is bunk, and I have proof.

Tony Randal had his first kid to a young woman when he was 78. Novelist Saul Bellow sired his fourth child at the age of 84. Author George Plimpton has 7-year-old twins and he is now 75.

And let us not forget the gorgeous Catherine Zeta Jones, who has just given birth to her second child with aging actor Michael Douglas (or is that Kirk Douglas? They both look so old, I get confused).

Anyhow, my feminist scientist friends, I'd love to debate this matter further, but I have to run. I have a date with a lovely young woman and her parents tend to get nasty when I show up late.

Tom Purcell