An Interview with Osama

November 15, 2002

Last week, Osama bin Laden released his first audio broadcast in several months, proving he is still alive. After bribing locals in the foothills of Pakistan, I was able to track down the elusive Al Qaeda leader for a one-on-one interview.

Purcell: You survived intense bombing in your Afghan mountain stronghold of Tora Bora and managed to flee the country. How did you escape?

Osama: I follow advice of David Letterman. I wear pretty dress and pass myself off as Sigourney Weaver.

Purcell: In your audio address last week, you threatened more violence against America and its allies. What the heck do you really want?

Osama: Osama demands end of U.S. support to Israel in campaign against Palestinian people, the withdrawal of troops from Islamic Holy Land in Saudi Arabia and a presidential pardon for Martha Stewart.

Purcell: A pardon for Martha Stewart?

Osama: Yes, Al Qaeda financial adviser tie up funds in her stock. We had such hopes for her spring line! But Osama also demand end of sanctions on Iraq and big trouble will come if Bush attack Saddam Hussein.

Purcell: Are you telling me that you, a religious extremist, are allying yourself with Hussein, a brutal dictator and the most secular man in the Middle East? That's kind of dumb, isn't it?

Osama: How is this dumb?

Purcell: Look, Bush has been trying to make the claim for months that we must dispose of Hussein because his weapons of mass destruction could be used by terrorists. But nobody had evidence that your boys and Hussein did, or might, work in concert with each other to harm America.

Osama: Osama has no comment.

Purcell: That's what puzzles Americans about you, dude. Your actions are delivering the exact opposite response than the one you seek.

Osama: Explain.

Purcell: Tom Nichols writes a great piece in National Review. He says it could be argued that your tactics before 911 were effective. Your attack on the USS Cole, for instance, produced a retreat, as Navy ships were pulled out of ports. But your attack on 911 was a strategic blunder.

Osama: But 911 was victory for Al Qaeda!

Purcell: Sure, you and your boys were dancing in the streets. But soon enough, allied forces led by America kicked you and your Taliban pals out of Afghanistan.  We destroyed your training grounds, locked up your terror cells in 90 countries, killed many of your key people and have no intention of letting up.

Osama: Your road to safety begins by ending the aggression. Reciprocal treatment is part of justice. The killing of Germans in Tunisia, the bombing of the French tanker in Yemen, the killing of British and Australian tourists in Bali, the takeover of the Russian theater by Chechnyan rebels: all are reactions to what Americans and west do to us.

Purcell: More bonehead moves. Look, just as France, Germany and Russia were questioning Bush's proposed use of force against Iraq, you and your boys attacked France, Germany and Russia. You're causing the very things you say you are trying to prevent.

Osama: Why should fear, killing, destruction, displacement, orphaning and widowing continue to be our lot, while security, stability and happiness be your lot? This is unfair. It is time we get even.

Purcell: That's the difference between you and us. We're not interested in getting even.  Sure, we have allied ourselves in the past with corrupt regimes; we have made what we saw as pragmatic decisions to best protect our interests. But what we really want is for every country, including Muslim countries, to be democratic, free and prosperous. Because then you will trade with us instead of attack us.

Osama: You will be killed just as you kill, and will be bombed just as you bomb!

Other articles by Tom Purcell can be found in the Men's News Daily archive.

Purcell: Dude, aren't you paying attention! The more you strike us, the more license you give us to destroy you and any government that harbors you. Believe me, we are going to win this war and you should be afraid.

Osama: Afraid of what?

Purcell: Jay Leno says America is ready to send in its most potent weapon yet.

Osama: A weapon worse than carpet bombing?

Purcell: Yes, Anna Nicole Smith. Within six months she'll have all your money, and you'll be dead.

Tom Purcell