Hurried Man Syndrome

December 13, 2002

"Good morning, viewers. Today Dr. Arliss Manhood, a leading expert on male behavior, will tell us about 'Hurried Man Syndrome.'  Doctor, please explain."

"Tom, earlier this week a Dr. Brent Bost introduced 'Hurried Women Syndrome,' a malady that supposedly affects 60 million women in the United States. If such an illness affects women, then surely there is one that affects men."

"Can you elaborate, please."

"Hurried Women Syndrome is caused by stress brought on by today's frantic lifestyle. Busy women who suffer stress at work are even more stressed when trying to meet the demands of their family. The four major symptoms of this malady include weight gain, low sex drive, moodiness and fatigue."

"I thought these were the symptoms of marriage?"

"Actually, Tom, the illness affects not only married women but single women with challenging careers. One-fourth of all women between 22 and 55 supposedly suffer from it."

"That's a lot of women. How is this related to Hurried Man Syndrome?"

"Whereas Hurried Women Syndrome is caused by the stress of contemporary life, the cause of Hurried Man Syndrome IS Hurried Women Syndrome."

"Doctor?"

"Tom, all men really want is to please their women. We fail at it miserably, as we are hopelessly perplexed by them, but it is all we really want. And as our women have got more rattled, so have we."

"I'm not grabbing your point."

"Tom, long ago women bought into the feminist logic that they can do anything men can do and do it better. They also believed that they could work in high pressure careers AND be the world's greatest mother, wife, sister and daughter."

"Heck, we men can barely do one thing well."

"Well, at the same time women have taken on an absurd number of duties, the demands of each duty have grown immensely. Americans work longer hours in their jobs than people in most countries. And being a parent today means running your children to a million different organized events. It's impossible to keep up with it all."

"But I still don't see how this affects men, doctor."

"You single men are so naïve. The more frustrated our women become, the more they launch into us. They complain that they bring in the income, as men traditionally have done, but that they are also burdened by the lion's share of domestic responsibilities because we men refuse to help."

"Domestic responsibilities?"

"Yes, cleaning up after dinner, getting the children to bed on time, or doing something proactive, such as buying toilet paper so we can change the roll when it runs out."

"They expect us to change the toilet paper roll!"

"As our women become more frustrated and agitated, so do we. As a result, more than 60 million men are now suffering from Hurried Man Syndrome."

"Can you elaborate on the symptoms, doctor."

"The symptoms include fatigue, confusion, weight gain and an increased sex drive."

"Increased sex drive?"

"Of course. We're still men. However, I have one patient who is so disoriented by his wife's unhappiness, he was unable to keep up with his fantasy football picks. Another says he was forced to give up Sunday football to go grocery shopping with his wife."

"The horror! Is there a treatment for Hurried Man Syndrome?"

"Yes, but it is not something men can do alone. Both men and women need to work on the cure together."

"Go on, doctor."

"First, we all need to step back and remember how blessed we are in America. While we're fretting over unfinished household chores, many on the planet aren't sure how they will feed their children tonight."

"An excellent point, doctor."

"Sure, our contemporary life is more hectic than in past times, but so what. Too many of us have been turning the smallest of matters into the largest of affairs, and we must stop that."

"To be sure."

"Additionally, we all need to slow down and just say no to the silly demands being placed on us. Most importantly, husbands need to voice their appreciation of all the hard work their wives are doing. And wives need to step back and remember that their lunk of a husband isn't such a bad fellow after all."

"Anything else men can do, doctor?"

"Absolutely. Go take out the garbage. Before we are told to."

Tom Purcell